Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

@Adamantspants

You keep repeating that some people don't find overweight people attractive.

What you can't grasp (so to speak) is that some people might still be attracted to someone if they gained weight. Even if that wasn't their on paper preference.

Again, some people might want a partner who could find them attractive if they gained weight. Not a huge leap of understanding.

Saying basically, lose weight or I don't want to shag you is a big turn off for some people. Perhaps almost like fat is a turn off for you.

Also, do you think the Op's partner is really wanting them both to embrace a new healthy lifestyle together and to be a team in that respect?

Or is it... you do everything you already do which makes you knackered but exercise on the top of that, buy in all the healthy food, cook it, listen to me whinge about it, watch me buy and eat unhealthy food while you nibble spinach leaves etc. Basically he gets the smaller wife he wants and does wtf ever he pleases. That's what a lot of men really mean by "we" should get healthier.

FWIW myself and my partner have recently improved our health/lifestyle and we worked together to do it. That involved things like saying, oh let's have extra veg tonight, I've got it ready so you can cook it, let's go for a quick walk etc. Not, get thinner or I won't fuck you.

In sickness and in health...as long as it's a size 8-10 as per pre-vanity sizing.

@Adamantspants In short, if you LOVE someone, then you support them. You don't just say, oh I can't get "the horn" for fat so do one.

No one is suggesting having sex with someone you aren't attracted to.

Part of love is attraction, surely?

I would say not really. Attraction is what draws you to a person. Love is what keeps you with them. Longer than you should sometimes.

Not what I said at all. I am saying there are men who would not hurt their wives by telling the truth and saying that they are not attracted to them when they lose an erection. I know 2 men who let their wives think it is erectile dysfunction rather than fess up.

Absolutely.

I know 2 men who let their wives think it is erectile dysfunction rather than fess up

I don’t believe you.

The other way round I think. Part of the attraction to a long term partner is your love for them.
You can however love very much indeed, and feel zero attraction. Maybe due to changes in their body maybe due to changes in you.

LOADS of people find fat people attractive....as i mentioned in a previous post there are those who don't care what size their other half is and that's fantastic.

And there are those where is does matter to them. I never said ANYONE should say lose weight or I won't fuck you!!

I don't care if you don't believe me, it's true.

What do you do when the attraction is gone??

Oh come come now (pardon the pun) @Blossomtoes dont you have male friends sit and discuss their erectile dysfunction with you over a coffee. I know i do 😕

Nope, I could be attracted to the milkman but I wouldn't love him.
I wouldn't love my husband any less I would want to have sex with him less. Huge difference.

What do you do when the attraction is gone??

I don’t know because the things I find attractive don’t change.

It might be true they said it, but that doesn't make it true. Men can get very embarrassed when they reach a point where things don't work as they should, and its saves face to blame 'the missus' rather than visit the doctor.

It was actually a man from my husband's job he is friendly with and a family friend we know a long time, They did not tell me, they told DH and he, probably wrongly, told me. I know one wife and I don't know the other. The wife I know is not overweight so I don't know what waned for him and I have not met the other wife so not sure if she is overweight or not.

I agree with you there, that happens in the majority of cases I reckon. A lot of men blame it on their wives but like I said, there is a small number of men who are not willing to hurt their wives by telling them they are not attracted to them.

It seems like some people here keep getting hung up on 'love' but that's not really the issue here. The OP didn't say anything about her husband telling her he didn't love her anymore and I think it's important to note that 'love' and 'attraction' can be mutually exclusive.

I love my wife and I find her attractive. She was thin and fit before we had kids, put on a fair amount of weight after two pregnancies (which happened back to back) that she held on to for a handful of years, and now she's back to being thin and fit after deciding she wasn't happy being overweight. I've found her attractive the whole time, but, sure, there was a dip when she was at her heaviest, in some respects but there were positives also (for me at least. I'm sure her enlarged chest was more annoying to her). I never stopped loving her and I never mentioned a dip in attraction because it wasn't a big enough deal to me to even bring it up.

That being said though, there are other things I don't find even remotely attractive that would cause problems. I'm not particularly into tattoos, for instance, so if she got a particularly bad one (I saw a woman once that had a giant spider tattooed over her whole crotch so if you were to have sex with her you'd be putting your junk directly into it's maw) that would be a huge and unmitigated turn off. I would, of course, still love her, but you can't force a change in what you find attractive and I definitely struggle there. A size 18 is a pretty big person and I don't know that i've ever found anyone that big sexually attractive so if my wife did decide to let herself get that big, it'd be a real bridge we'd have to cross. And if I let myself get to the point, one way or another, that my wife didn't find me attractive anymore I'd definitely want to know. It's not fair for someone to force you to change, but I love my wife and I know she loves me and I actively WANT to keep myself at a build that she's sexually attracted to beyond just the emotional love.

That's really cool, I sincerely mean that.

You said you knew two men who said it was ED rather than fess up Now you admit that one of the wives isnt even overweight. So @Blossomtoes was right when she called bullshit. You have issues.

And yet the vaginal dryness that comes with menopause doesnt get blamed on men.

To fess up that they did not find them attractive anymore. There are a lot of things that can affect someone not finding someone attractive. The wife I know is about a size 14 so to me that isn't fat, to him, maybe it is. she was tiny little slip of a thing when he met her but 14 is not fat so I don't see that as overweight.

I'm aware you can be attracted to people you don't love and vice versa but I also think in relationships there is a cross over

emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm not sure where you are going with that one ha ha.

This is a really good post.

ED is a lot more complicated than that. Any man who wrongly blames his condition on a woman might get a nasty shock when she refuses to care for him if it does turn out to be a medical condition. Being blamed for something that isnt your fault is not exactly going to bring out the caring gene.

@Adamantspants Thank you! :)

@pixie5121

“A bit”? There are people saying they are size 18, that’s not a bit heavier than being slim, it’s huge.