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Original poster

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 13/06/2022 18:08

BadNomad · 13/06/2022 16:34

Of course she doesn't have to lose weight for him. But how do you make yourself fancy someone or something you don't? I really don't understand the people saying HE needs to change what he finds attractive. How does he do that? He doesn't find her attractive. He is unable to sex with someone he isn't attracted to. So is their marriage just over then because the attraction is gone? Or are they both expected to accept a sexless marriage? Because that goes well, right.

Totally agree

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:09

@Adamantspants

Is sex purely linked to attraction for you? And is attraction solely linked to looks?

Youre not attracted to your oh because you love them or they are a good person? Or because they make you laugh?

I find lots of people objectively attractive. Men and women. I dont want to have sex with them though

I think it would take way more than a bit of weight gain for me to stop finding my oh attractive or to stop wanting sex with him

I'm not repulsed by overweight people or fat phobic though right enough

Catlover1970 · 13/06/2022 18:09

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 16:45

How do you propose he gets a horn if he is not into fat? It is beyond his control.

Show quote history

Totally agree. You can’t force yourself to fancy someone

5128gap · 13/06/2022 18:12

People should not be vilified for not being sexually attracted to someone with a physical trait they dislike. Otherwise we're basically saying people should be prepared to have sex with anyone who wants them to, as long as the person has a nice personality.
The fact its a spouse makes no difference. Marriage is not unconditional access to the other person's body for sex whether you're attracted to them or not.
Its unfortunate when a person's appearance doesn't aline with a partners' preference, but just as the one shouldn't be pressured to change their appearance, the other shouldn't be shamed into having sex with them. Its stalemate.

RhiRhi1996 · 13/06/2022 18:13

@OneMoreUsername very well put!

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:20

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:09

@Adamantspants

Is sex purely linked to attraction for you? And is attraction solely linked to looks?

Youre not attracted to your oh because you love them or they are a good person? Or because they make you laugh?

I find lots of people objectively attractive. Men and women. I dont want to have sex with them though

I think it would take way more than a bit of weight gain for me to stop finding my oh attractive or to stop wanting sex with him

I'm not repulsed by overweight people or fat phobic though right enough

I am not fat phobic but it doesn't turn me on sexually, in fact it turns me off. That's the truth of it.

I am attracted to lots of people, funny people, kind people, book lovers, music lovers etc but I do not want to sleep with them.

I am attracted to hairy backs though and I am sure others wouldn't be. I think it is incredibly sexy. Fatness....not for me. We all have our sexual attractions and an overweight man is not one of mine.

Sex for me would be very heavily based on physical attraction, I think it is with most people, why would you shag someone you find unattractive??

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:30

@Adamantspants

Because you love them?

If your oh lost his back hair would you stop finding him attractive?

A fat person is still the same person.

Thats what I dont get. Saying you'd literally be repulsed by the person you say you love enough to share your life with just because they're a bit heavier

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2022 18:36

Thats what I dont get. Saying you'd literally be repulsed by the person you say you love enough to share your life with just because they're a bit heavier

I don’t get it either. Marriage vows don’t include caveats. You either love the whole person or you don’t. And if you don’t you shouldn’t marry them.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:38

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:30

@Adamantspants

Because you love them?

If your oh lost his back hair would you stop finding him attractive?

A fat person is still the same person.

Thats what I dont get. Saying you'd literally be repulsed by the person you say you love enough to share your life with just because they're a bit heavier

He doesn't have any back hair unfortunately ha ha but has many other attributes that I find physically attractive. Like baldness! I loves me a bald man.

The difference you are NOT getting is that I would still love my overweight husband with all my heart because of the person he is BUT I would not want to have sex with him.I would not be up and ready for sex because I would not fancy him at that weight. It must be even harder for men because they have to get and maintain an erection and I am sure there is many a man who will try regardless and then get blamed with erectile dysfunction just because he doesn't find his obese wife attractive anymore.

What you are saying is have sex anyway because you love them and the person they are. It is incredibly hard to engage in sex with someone you do not find attractive. It's soul destroying going through the motions.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:39

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2022 18:36

Thats what I dont get. Saying you'd literally be repulsed by the person you say you love enough to share your life with just because they're a bit heavier

I don’t get it either. Marriage vows don’t include caveats. You either love the whole person or you don’t. And if you don’t you shouldn’t marry them.

They were not grossly overweight when I married them..or I would not have married them. Simple.

BadNomad · 13/06/2022 18:41

I don't find beards attractive. They actually turn me off. If my DP grew a beard, which is his right to do, I would struggle to find him attractive. Sure, I could still let him have sex with me because I love him, but yuck. Men can and do have sex with women they aren't attracted to, too. Horny is horny. But, love or not, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't find me attractive.

Stevie6 · 13/06/2022 18:43

BadNomad · 13/06/2022 18:41

I don't find beards attractive. They actually turn me off. If my DP grew a beard, which is his right to do, I would struggle to find him attractive. Sure, I could still let him have sex with me because I love him, but yuck. Men can and do have sex with women they aren't attracted to, too. Horny is horny. But, love or not, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't find me attractive.

You "let him have sex with you" - that sounds fun

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:43

@Adamantspants

No.

I'm definitely not saying have sex any way. No one should ever be having any sex they dont want to have

I'm saying I dont really believe you thar it would make that much of a difference.

Especially not at a size 18.

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2022 18:44

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:39

They were not grossly overweight when I married them..or I would not have married them. Simple.

Show quote history

But you made promises for life. Did your marriage vows state that all bets were off if he put on weight? It’s so superficial.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:46

I guess everyone has different ideas of what fat is. A big gut and boobs on a man would turn me right off.

BadNomad · 13/06/2022 18:47

Stevie6 · 13/06/2022 18:43

You "let him have sex with you" - that sounds fun

Show quote history

It wouldn't be. But there are people here who think the OP's husband should still be having sex with her because he loves her, even though he isn't attracted to her.

Stevie6 · 13/06/2022 18:49

@Blossomtoes you still don't seem to grasp to difference between sexual attraction and love. I have been with my DH over 20 years and still look at him and think "oh yeah", if he put on a significant amount of weight I wouldn't - but wouldn't mean I loved him any less

Pluvia · 13/06/2022 18:49

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:09

@Adamantspants

Is sex purely linked to attraction for you? And is attraction solely linked to looks?

Youre not attracted to your oh because you love them or they are a good person? Or because they make you laugh?

I find lots of people objectively attractive. Men and women. I dont want to have sex with them though

I think it would take way more than a bit of weight gain for me to stop finding my oh attractive or to stop wanting sex with him

I'm not repulsed by overweight people or fat phobic though right enough

This YY.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:50

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2022 18:44

But you made promises for life. Did your marriage vows state that all bets were off if he put on weight? It’s so superficial.

Show quote history

It's not superficial. I would have tried to find him attractive being overweight, I would have done my level best to overlook it but my body would not be able to lie. I simply would not find a fat man attractive, I would not desire him in my bed. I would find sex difficult with a husband who had piled on weight. The desire for sex with him would be gone. You cannot pretend.

Again, as I keep saying, it would affect my sex life, no other aspects of my life, just the desire to have sex.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:50

Stevie6 · 13/06/2022 18:49

@Blossomtoes you still don't seem to grasp to difference between sexual attraction and love. I have been with my DH over 20 years and still look at him and think "oh yeah", if he put on a significant amount of weight I wouldn't - but wouldn't mean I loved him any less

This.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 18:52

Clearly you would love him less

Part of love is attraction, surely?

mmmmmmghturep · 13/06/2022 18:54

We have the full set now Erectile dysfunction being blamed on the woman. You do know that can be caused by excessive porn use. Or on medical conditions like diabetes in older men. It can also be a symptom of heart problems. So the misogyny of blaming this on the woman might actually lead to illness and even death of the man if medical help isnt sought. Bit ironic eh.

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:54

Another thing I will say though is that I would be incredibly hurt if my husband thought that I had put on too much weight and did not want to have sex with me. I would imagine that really really hurts. BUT if he was right and I was way more overweight than when he met me, it was affecting our sex life and in turn our relationship you can bet your bottom dollar I would do something about it, especially if he suggested we do it together which is what OP's DH suggested. he wants to fix it.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/06/2022 18:54

Adamantspants · 13/06/2022 18:46

I guess everyone has different ideas of what fat is. A big gut and boobs on a man would turn me right off.

Me too. I just would not find any attraction to that whatsoever. And I couldn't and wouldn't try to fake it.

Stevie6 · 13/06/2022 18:56

No, it's not. Love is a million different things, you can be attracted to someone without loving them, you can love someone without being attracted to them - but for a long term relationship you need both