Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

My Auntie could exercise because of her condition.

COULD NOT

Totally agree

Of course she doesn't have to lose weight for him. But how do you make yourself fancy someone or something you don't? I really don't understand the people saying HE needs to change what he finds attractive. How does he do that? He doesn't find her attractive. He is unable to sex with someone he isn't attracted to. So is their marriage just over then because the attraction is gone? Or are they both expected to accept a sexless marriage? Because that goes well, right.

Hideously old fashioned and uncool of me, obviously, but having been in a relationship for 22 years, I was under the impression you stayed together because you loved each other enough of the time to make it all worth it.

So he doesn't fancy you now you've had a child and have put on some weight. What a shallow, selfish man he is. And how does he think he'll cope if you lose the weight now but get a bit crinkly and grey in your 50s and 60s? You're not a doll for his pleasure.

It's not the 1950s. It's no longer 'Keep you and beautiful, It's your duty to be beautiful, keep young and beautiful of you want to be loved.' 100 years of feminism and still all the anti-women BS being spouted here.

How do you propose he gets a horn if he is not into fat? It is beyond his control.

Best not look at himself in the mirror then, considering his weight.

Stupid answer. He suggested they BOTH lose weight to become attracted to each other.......some people are not into having sex with fat people and that is just human nature. Doesn't mean you don't love them, it means you don't want to fuck them. You can't fake desire.

Stupid answer.

Nope HTH

Good woman 😁

Just divorce him, then, if tou want, lose the weight and when he sees you just laugh at his face.

Could be.
I mean, the man sounds like he deserves a
fuck-able looking wife to show around to his friends.
Maybe someone has said something about OP’s wife, or because summer, his seeing more revealing clothed women around and he got angry.

Best not look at himself in the mirror then, considering his weight.

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain are you the OP?

Oh, your comment made me actually think!

Maybe most of these comments are from older women, from the time where they believed woman’s worth is tied to her weight and looks.
And that’s why so many comments are so toxic.

The fact that i mentioned my weight loss earlier and was told i would have to put the weight back ON if a partner preferred me bigger proves this is not about health. Its about being what your husband wants.
Might as well go back to the days when women were given the "husband stitch" after childbirth.

@AllAloneInThisHouse Yes Im 49 (this week) and ive certainly noticed that attitude in women over 60, over 70 even more so.

I find it hilarious as the "what the man wants" and "fifties housewife" comments are rolled out on this thread. Classic..."I will be fat if I want to and you SHOULD still get a horn when you look at me or you are a misogynistic pig" Brigade.

For those still not grasping the concept........ this is not about love, respect, being a man or a woman's worth.

This is about sexual preference, attraction and ability to have sex.

It's not a light switch that you can turn on and off. It is about not wanting sex with someone you don't fancy because they are overweight. Overweight does not turn you on, in fact it turns you off. You are not up for sex but your partner is and feels rejected because you have to fake it or look for excuses.

Dress it up any way you like but this is not a man thing. LOTS of women have said if their husbands or partners were overweight it would turn them off sex. It's a normal, human reaction. I would imagine it would be the same if someone lost way too much weight and were too bony...not a turn on for some people. Hard to find the attraction, the want, the desire because it doesn't work for you.

So you are more or less telling others to ignore their feelings and they should want to have sex with someone whether they are a size 8 or 28 and your desire should never wane...

Tell your dick or vagina that then when it comes to sex because it will let you down every time.

@Adamantspants 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m 70 next year. If my bloke suggested I should lose weight he wouldn’t know what had hit him. Fortunately he believes sex appeal is situated between the ears and wouldn’t even think of it. This belief that women should be handmaidens and do everything to pander to their man is so toxic.

Nope. I'm very happily married. HTH

@Blossomtoes Exactly. Going by this thread you would think sexual chemistry doesnt exist.

its what ive had/have with OM and its never changed whatever weight i am

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain just asking a question, what's with the bitchy HTH? Take the stick out your arse

That is great for you that is has never waned no matter how big or small you are.

Doesn't work like that for everyone.

I was laughing at that myself.😂

I think this is a communication and entitlement issue. On one side, if your husband just admits to you that he finds you less attractive because you're heavier than you used to be and leaves it at that, without pressuring you or throwing a fit about it, then he's really just being honest. If he just throws it in your face, randomly and repeatedly, then he's just being a jerk. Thats where the entitlement comes in, if he's pressuring you to lose weight then what he's really saying is "I deserve to feel attracted to you more than you deserve to feel comfortable with yourself."

However, on the other side, of it is this: if your weight is outside of his tastes and it's affected how attracted he is to you, that can be a real problem. The sexual side of the relationship is also important. So, if you're happy with your body then that's wonderful and you should absolutely not lose weight just become someone else wants you to. Its your body and he should understand that. If however, you don't want to lose weight then you also need to accept that he's just not going to be attracted to you. It's been a running thing for a while now that you're not 'turned' gay or what have you, right? It goes that way for attraction. You don't get to pick and choose what you're attracted to, it happens naturally. So, if you also simply 'dig in' and refuse to find some middle ground, you're also being kind of entitled and saying "I deserve to be happier in this relationship than you do." So you're kind of both at fault here and need to have a real talk about whether or not it can realistically work out. He absolutely has no right to pressure you to lose weight just so he'll find you more attractive and you absolutely have no right to hold his unconscious preferences against him, simply because he's attracted to a body type that isn't yours.