Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

@FloydPepper

Are

You sure you've read the thread?!

You brought your own relationship into it not me 😆

@Adamantspants

Where?

I apologise @Topgub I got you mixed up with @antelopevalley

@Adamantspants

Fair enough

Blessed! But I am glad for you that your husband doesn't mind. That is kinda cool but weight would certainly bother me. Doesn't make me shallow. Makes me honest.

And human.

Absolutely @Johnnysgirl

Oh wow.

You might want to update your knowledge around why people put weight on instead of the very lazy view that these people are just lazy and eat too much cake.
That would help you understand the situation more and actually give you a different outlook on the issue the OP is facing

AGAIN.........

The VAST majority of overweight people are that way because they overeat/eat shit/ binge eat.

Fin was iut being honest but your feelings about attractiveness towards the person you are supposed to love ‘in health and in sickness’ etc… are yours to deal with. Not your partner.

I was reading some interesting stats about men’s attitude towards illness and disability showing that a lot of men actually will leave their life long partner Wo a backward glance at the first sign of illness of disability. Things like being diagnosed with cancer or having had a serious car accident.
I supposed that putting weight in is in the same category which will explain why men seem to think it’s ok to put pressure in their partner to loose weight or else I’ll leave. Whereas women often have a different attitude.

Having said that, I hope that all the people who claim that they would not be attracted to their partner if they were putting weight in etc… have told their partner that in the first place. And are not waiting for the time when said partner has put weight on to let them how repulsed they are by them now. Then it will also leave the door open for that them to decide whether they actually want to build a life with someone holding those views.
(Same with I cope with illness so if you become ill, ill leave attitude btw)

@Adamantspants and you know that because …..

I will also say losing weight is VERY hard. There is nothing easy about it BUT it can be done and is done every day by millions and millions of people who want to improve their lives.

I understand there are also mental health issues surrounding overeating but there is also help for this too.

Sitting there and not doing anything at all about is ok if you are prepared to accept and deal with the consequences it brings to your health and your sex life if your partner is not into fat.

It the VAST majority of cases it is your choice.

The World Health organisation says so.

What causes obesity and overweight?
The fundamental cause of obesity and overweight is an energy imbalance between calories consumed and calories expended

Fin was iut being honest but your feelings about attractiveness towards the person you are supposed to love ‘in health and in sickness’ etc… are yours to deal with. Not your partner

Yes they are and they affect me not wanting to have sex with said partner which affects our sex life and relationship in general but they continue to shovel down the grub and not care about this.....so at the end of the day, I put forward my feelings and they are dismissed as not being important enough to save a marriage...and you call me shallow?

Does it now?

Weight loss and gain is a very complex thing involving many different aspects from the microbiome (did you that if you do a faecal transplant for, a person who is slim to one that is obese, the obese person looses weight Wo changing their diet?), blood sugar regulation, stress management, thyroid issues and emotional issues.
One very common situation is the person (like anew mum) who is exhausted because she is doing it all with little support (crap partner), is stressed out because of all the pressures on her to do it all and is basically self medicating with food (peak in blood glucose level will give that feeling of energy that she is craving).
So yes you can summarise it as that person being lazy. But I’d say the issue is quite the opposite and she needs to stop, do less, reduce her stress level and start looking after herself rather than everyone else. Telling her she is lazy and making her feel guilty is likely to add just one more layer - using food to feel better.

Of course, this is only a very small snapshot of the all the potential reasons why someone can put weight on. You can add (female) hormone issue to the mix for example.

So yes I’ll stand by comment.

Btw i agree that being overweight can be an issue and is an issue worldwide (even though I’d argue the issue is more blood sugar regulation rather than weight - yes including in people Wo diabetes or pre diabetes).

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the issue the OP has (bar maybe the high level of judgement associated with overweight=lazy and nothing else)

I never said anything about being lazy, I said it was overeating and the wrong food. I also mentioned mental health issues which cause binge eating. I also mentioned that there is help out there but you have to want it.

People lose weight all the time, there are folk on this thread that make out it is impossible.

It is not.

Obesity is Preventable......that is not coming from me but the WHO.

Make all the excuses in the world you like.....

I do understand it. I’ve a scientific background, and when I decided that I needed to deal with the weight I’d put on I did my research, worked out what I needed to do, and returned back to where I wanted to be.

It was very hard, but not at all complicated. It’s nearly never your glands, or a slow metabolism. Work out a sensible diet, do the right amount of exercise, and you will lose the expected amount of weight.

I actually never take lazy into account when talking about obesity. I don't think fat people are lazy. I think the vast majority of them eat too much of the wrong foods that make them fat. I never have them down as lazy. Some really overweight people I know work harder than anyone else I know and are far from lazy but they overeat massively.

My Uncle and Auntie both had two different conditions that meant if they didn't lose weight they would be in serious trouble with their health. They both managed to lose to good deal of weight. They even had mental health issues as they had lost a child but wanted to be around for their other children and Grandchildren.

I think some lazy people are slim and some are overweight and some active people are overweight and some are slim.

Isn't it more to with what you eat than what you exercise?

Something like Diet 80% & Exercise 20%