Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

That is different, they cannot DO anything about that. Fatness on the other hand.....

Lol. In their dreams they do. The vast majority of men choose partners based on their looks at least initially. The vast majority of men lose their own looks a lot sooner and more extremely than their partners. Some might want to trade their partners in for for a younger model, but very few get the chance.

@HeavyHeidi standard sizes are still fine. It is why a size 12 varies so much by shop. The resizing that did happen at one point was because women were getting taller, their hips were thus wider and their shoulders broader. My mother is slim, but because of her age, she is shorter, has much slimmer hips and far less broad shoulders. Young women of the current generation could not fit into her clothes no matter how slim they are because their shoulders are too broad and their bone hips are too wide.

@Adamantspants But if you are not attracted to them why would you have sex?

I wouldn't???

@Adamantspants

Why does being able to do something about it matter?

The end result is the same.

If your oh is medically unable to lose weight you'd no longer be attracted to them and the relationship would be over just the same

@antelopevalley sorry I misunderstood, you mean if they were facially disfigured or something, that is is a different matter because the person cannot do anything about it. I don't think missing a limb would bother me in fairness, neither would baldness.

I don't know what I would do if they were facially very disfigured but I sure would be a hell of a lot more receptive due to it not being an thing they have control over rather than them just not bothering to address an issue that affected our sex life.

@Adamantspants so you would stay out of pity with your partner with cancer or alopecia but would not have sex with them?
In reality men are far more likely to leave their partners than women when women get cancer. Too many just fuck off.

When I chose my life partner and got married I chose someone I love, am attracted to, and that I was certain would stay with me through the trials and tribulations of life that have a negative effect on the body. My DP still says I am beautiful even though my body looks nothing like it did when I was in my early twenties and fell in love.

But then I have never been attracted to shallow men.

Enjoy the debate but the OP has gone.

No, it's not the same. If someone CHOOSES to stay obese when I have told them it affects our sex life then yes, it would be over because they are choosing their unhealthy lifestyle over our life together.

The VAST majority of people are NOT medically unable to lose weight.

This is tough - he shouldn't of put it that way but both parties have a right to request some changes if it means a lot to them.
As others said it needs to come from you - and your motivation for health / child / hubby etc.

I have the opposite situation I've lost 15kg since having DS that's from my pre pregnancy weight. I've gone from 18/20 to 14/16. Hubby married me when I was 16/18 and he lives my curves and he noticed certain areas smaller and when I told him how much I lost he was a little disappointed. But he is not nasty or days no longer attracted etc. I know his preference he has told me.

@Adamantspants

But that was the question

So either you'd find them unattractive and not want to have sex even though they couldn't help it or you'd be ok with it and find away to make it work.

It is NOT the same, you cannot compare the two.

My body is not the same as it was in my 20's at all and yes my husband still finds me attractive but I am not overweight or obese but things have sagged and drooped and that is normal with the ravages of time and children.

This all people must find fat beautiful is bollox.

They don't.

Yes true me and hubby had a certain chat pre marriage about all the possible issues and deal breakers. We are in the same page - sickness and in health.

I don't know but I would certainly not be feeling like they couldn't be fucking bothered to get healthy and allowed themselves to eat to a degree that they are now a million miles away from the person I originally met.

What you are describing is something beyond their control so yes it would be shallow to up and leave because now they have half a face but I bet people still do it it.

But what is NOT shallow is for someone NOT to find their OH attractive because they are now fat and refuse to lose weight because they either cannot be bothered or say it is too hard.

@Adamantspants

So its not really to do with what you're attracted to

Or even the weight.

Its your perception that overweight people are lazy and disrespectful and should care more about how others see them

Which is a pretty odd view

Well glad you are not my partner.

Couldn’t help it?

What’s the actual story here, why are you so determined to try to convince others that obesity is not something that people can control, and doesn’t affect aesthetics?

I was overweight once, it was awful, and so I stopped. Being unwilling to make the changes necessary doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, it just means that you prefer being overweight to the effort needed to be in good shape.

Nope.

Overweight people should not be surprised if their partner no longer finds them attractive and realise that it is a deal breaker for some who are not attracted to fat. Your husband has no problem so you are doing fine. It doesn't affect you but affects many others who DO have a problem with it. Refusing to do anything about it to save the relationship is the choice an overweight person makes.

As per usual on these threads we have some interesting yet unsurprising posts

a bunch of people have a go at the man for being horrible, shallow, fat phobic

a bunch of people say they feel the same as him and would find a fat partner unattractive

at no point do any of the first group say to the second what they said about the man. Apparently preferring a slim man is fine but preferring a slim woman isn’t

Said better than I could. Thank you.

Not lazy, most are just overly keen on cake. It takes an awful lot of exercise to burn off the chocolate hob-nobs which supposedly didn’t count because they were a treat and it’s been a bit of a hard week, or the chips which didn’t count as they were only a few from someone else’s plate.

Fat people are fat because they eat too much, and eat the wrong things. It’s not “their glands”, it’s their eating habits.

Ask any of the women who’ve posted they don’t like their partner if they’re bigger that question!

of course you wont

@Adamantspants

Yup.

You're projecting your own insecurities onto other people's relationships.

Its a bit odd.

You also don't need to comment on my relationship that you know nothing about, it's not part of the discussion