Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Herein lies the difference. Some people do not mind their partner getting fat, I love you and still fancy you at 8 stone or 18 stone, it makes no difference to me. I still want to have sex with you, I still can maintain an erection, I look at you and I fancy you no matter what size you are. Fat does not turn me off.

Some people DO mind their partner getting fat. I met you at 8 stone and you are now 18 stone, I love you but I no longer fancy you at this weight. I find it hard to want to have sex with you or to maintain an erection because rolls of fat turn me off. It is not something I can help and I wish I could look beyond it but I just can't, it is beyond my control.

It really is as simple as that.
It is NOT fucking shallow.

What do you want a man to do to get an erection with a woman who is very overweight that is not attractive to him? HOW can he control that, HOW can he fake a horn? It's not something you can hide.

What do you want a woman to do? Lie there and think of England while her obese partner has sex with her anyway even though she doesn't find him attractive nor does she want to?

It is a real problem for people. You cannot be attracted to fat if you are not attracted to fat, your normal bodily functions will not work, you cannot help it, the drive is not there, you cannot pretend and if you do, you can only it for so long.

I am so fucking tired of this bullshit. You can bet your bottom dollar all the ones calling people shallow are the ones who are overweight themselves and won't even TRY do anything about it and have the notion if you can't fuck me at this weight then fuck off.

It is not about love, the love doesn't change it is about what your body, your hormones and your fucking sexual organs deem as attractive and if fat ain't it, it ain't it!

You are not careful about someone's feeling when you make them responsible of how you feel.
If he isn't attracted to the OP becaiuse of her weight then ut's HIS issue and HIS responsibilikty.
He can chose to deal with that many ways but it should start by having a conversation to find a solution NOT by basically tellig the OP the marriage is dead if she is loosing weight (see the I cant live wo sex and i am not attracted by you in that state talk).
Plus most peopole would know that by talking like tbis, they are likely to see resistance going up, barriers up and the person in front of them saying 'Nope. Im not doing that'. Childish maybe but it's not an unusual reaction when you feel cornered and made to feel guilty.

I just really, really don't want to be in a swimming cossie feeling fat. It's as simple as that. I want to feel more attractive. I used to have a lovely figure, but I've been over eating and drinking wine every night. I want to make positive change and feel good when I go on hols. It will be good for my health also.

Keeping sex satisfying all round in a long term relationship is a challenge and flippant, simplistic comments like this are unconstructive.

Yes to this

Also lots of people stop having sex entirely in long term relationships and it's not necessarily an issue if both parties are happy with that.

Loads of men go off sex as well due to being overweight, drinking, using porn and work stress. I'd see if any of that is an issue for DH before you look to yourself.

Ageing is a given and something we all signed up for when getting hitched. Gaining several stone isn't directly comparable.
That said, I don't actually have a firm view on the OP's situation, and appreciate that lifelong commitment has to assume unexpected/ unpredictable changes over the life course.

I don’t think it’s misogynist to be attracted to a healthy partner? If my DH became obese you can bet I would be encouraging him to get to the gym, I do it now and he was only mildly veering into a dad bod after the lockdown indulgences and bad habits - me too, and I’m dieting and exercising to get myself to a place I’m happy with. It’s your body your choice but I would feel pretty let down if my DH just piled on the weight and never bothered to lose it to stay in shape for me.

You do seem determined to pretend that obesity is not a health risk, and isn’t a perfectly valid reason not to find someone attractive. Irrespective of your squawking no-one actually believes that the average person finds a person the shape of Jo Brand as attractive as someone shaped like Jessica Ennis.

It avoids the indignity of having strangers cover you with wet towels and trying to roll you back into the water, which I can tell you is mortifying for all involved.

I disagree, it's far, far easier to be overweight in modern life- I have barely touched normal BMI for 13 years after having kids in spite of constantly watching what I eat and exercising - than it is to be the right weight and maintain it. I did get up to being obese once and that was certainly unhealthy and uncomfortable, being being overweight and fit is comortable day to day and has absolutely no ill effect on my heart - my resting heart rate is 45 and my BP is 110/65.

I was slim before I had kids (though slightly overweight as a teenager) and thought I would be able to lose the weight easily using the same methods. Wrong - because my hormones levels and metabolism are totally different and it's so much harder and I have to eat a lot less which is much harder. I've probably buggered it up with years of dieting since I was a teenager and got away with it for years before I had kids.

I've certainly not let myself go, it's a lot of fucking effort not to be the size of a house and I am at least fit and healthy if not quite the right weight and I will keep going!

She may not. Other size 18 women may well. My own mother was 'only' a size 18 but due to height and body shape was very overweight. She struggled with joint pain, depression related to her appearance, and eventually died of an obesity related illness in her 60s. Clothes size alone is as good as meaningless as an indicator of health, especially as the measurements of the sizes keep getting bigger; and even less of a guide to the very subjective notion of how attractive one is.

@5128gap

Clothes size alone is as good as meaningless as an indicator of health,

exactly

He's telling you how he feels. I understand why it's hurtful but if your husband let himself go and you found him unattractive it wouldn't be fair to have to stay with him and continue having sex when you don't want to.

What's the real issue is that you don't have time to look after yourself. I've piled weight on since having DS, I actually weight more now than when I went into labour! I've told DH that he needs to have DS for a day a week so I can go to the gym, and take some responsibility for food. I think you should do the same. I know my weight is making life hard, my knees are bloody killing me!

@NotKevinTurvey

I havent said being overweight doesn't pose increased health risks

It does.

Plenty of people find others of all shapes and sizes Attractive

I'm sure there's someone who would find you attractive too

Likewise. We should never forget there’s a paraphilia for every size.

@NotKevinTurvey

Sure is

Not so sure the same can be said for dreadful personalities

Even if you lose weight, your marriage is unlikely to survive. You will be rightfully resentful towards him.
It is never a good idea to have someone so shallow for a life partner that bodily changes will mean they will want to ditch you. Our bodies change as we give birth and get older. You can get cancer and have your breasts removed, or alopecia and have your hair fall out. No one should select a life partner on the basis of their bodies not changing much. It is unrealistic. And a man who does this will trade you in for a younger woman when you get old anyway.

Don’t be so negative, you might still find someone who is willing to take you as you are.

@NotKevinTurvey

Thats the spirit. Keep those hopes up.

Men who choose a partner based on them always looking slim and very attractive almost all trade those women in when they get older.

There's so many responses in this thread, so I didn't read them all, but my opinion is that: it's your choice not to lose weight for your husband. But it's also his choice to refuse sex or intimacy, because he doesn't fancy you anymore.

I think there's a difference between love, even romantic love, and sexual attraction. If DP doubled in size it wouldn't change my love but it would probably change my sexual attraction

The average woman was a size 12 in 1957

except that size 12 in 1957 was nothing like size 12 today thanks to vanity sizing.

@YRGAM Then I feel sorry for your DP. What happens if your DP is in a car accident and gets facial injuries? Or has cancer and needs parts of their bodies removed? Or has alopecia?
Oh I don't fancy them anymore so off they go.