Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Thank you for your opinion.

You have not been incredibly rude. Just honest.

I wonder if this is a journalist looking for a story??

What a depressing and pathetic thread, full of fucking shallow twats with fucking shit advice for the most part. I don't think AIBU is worth bothering with these days, it has been infiltrated by MRAs and their handmaidens and is thoroughly fucked up about weight and eating, but apparently now this has spread to Relationships.

OP, I suggest you print out the thread and burn it as a sort of catharsis.

Well what would be more helpful? Because people can sit on here all day long saying her H is shallow and her weight doesn't matter, but what difference is that going to make to her life? We're not the ones she wants sex with so it matters little either way.

Yep, I thought so a while ago.

What's an MRA??

Child neglect is literally illegal. I wish we would start prosecuting men for not being proper parents.

As for everything else, you have divorce.

@justasking111 Mens rights activist. It's always thrown out by someone when a poster doesn't automatically think the man is in the wrong and agrees.

Thanks 👍

According to the calculator though you're right it's not obese. It's at the obese end of overweight though.

Calculators don't into account a lot of factors though and a lot of the time they are way out.

Or just people with opinions that differ from yours?

Pointing out the effects of obesity isn’t rude.

People trying to pass of being massively overweight as not an issue on the other hand need to have a word with themselves. It’s so selfish.

BMI is less important than waist size really as where the weight is carried is the biggest health risk. If you're a size 18 because your waist is 34" your health is going to be more impacted than if you've a smaller waist but need an 18 to accommodate your hips. Apple shaped women typically need a lower BMI to avoid health risk than pears.

This. You might think that the OP's DH should be attracted to her regardless. We already know she thinks that.

But you cannot force sexual attraction. Physical attraction isn't logical and it's based on very distinct preferences that people form very early on in life.

Personally, I'm deliberately single right now, because if I land a man who finds me attractive at this whale-like weight, he's probably not going to be attracted to me when I lose it, and ultimately, I don't want to live like this. I want to be thinner.

You can find a partner at any weight... but you can't necessarily keep them after a significant decrease or increase.

Love and wanting sex aren't the same thing.

It is possible. So is climbing mount everest doesn't mean its doable for most

@Topgub Anyone can physically lose weight. People go on about 'starvation mode' slowing down weight loss, but it doesn't make it impossible. Put in a situation with no access to food, sadly even Tess Holliday would eventually die.

Losing weight and keeping it off is hard, but achievable. No one has a set point where they're supposed to be, which is outside the healthy BMI range.

BMI is less important than waist size really as where the weight is carried is the biggest health risk.

Being an unhealthy BMI is unhealthy in and of itself. Abdominal adiposity 'just' makes it worse.

@me4real

Another strawman

I'm a size 16, and starting a new diet today.

I have been as small as a size 8 in the past, and every size in between 8 and 16.

There is absolutely no denying, that I look way more attractive at size 8, 10 or 12.

Once I get over a size 14, I get a pot belly and a double chin. To say otherwise would be for me to be in denial.

Most people look better at a healthy weight. To say otherwise is a bit disingenuous, I think. Or is perhaps burying ones head in the sand, because you want the biscuits, chocolates and wine.

I know I've buried my head for far too long. I'm going to be on a beach in September and have to lose some pounds.

@TortugaRumCakeQueen

Why do you need to lose pounds to be on a beach?

Ime, living with being overweight is much much harder than losing it and keeping it off. Partner preference aside, the increased comfort, confidence and wellbeing. The ease of buying clothes, coping with weather, moving about.
By far the hardest part is getting motivated. Once it kicks in, life just gets so much easier in pretty much every way.

You definitely aren’t being selfish, and I think it’s unfair for your husband to make you feel unattractive or expect you to lose weight without stepping up and giving you time to exercise.

That said, my DH has put on about 3 stone since we met. He’s now overweight. (My weight has stayed the same) I worry about his health and we don’t sleep in the same bed as he snores so much. I would absolutely love him to lose weight for these reasons and when he goes to the gym and looks after himself I do find him more sexually attractive. So in that sense I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable - he just needs to be kinder about it and give you time and space to make changes if that’s what you want to do.

3 years ago I went from 14/16 down to 8/10 and have maintained it, you have to want to do it for yourself though and be committed as it really is a forever lifestyle change.

I think you're being a bit harsh. It's a sensitive subject and I think it comes across as though he's trying to be careful of her feelings.

@5128gap

The op is not morbidly obese.

I'm not sure at size 18 she'll struggle with any of those things