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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

683 replies

Boo123456 · 12/06/2022 19:42

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

OP posts:
Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:38

@NotKevinTurvey

I'm not.

I've said of people want to lose weight they should.

I think its important to be healthy. But part of that includes mental health and being happy and confident regardless of how you look

And not giving a shit what others think of you

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 11:39

Alltheleavesaregreen1 · 13/06/2022 10:56

Not if they have cravings for food constantly. If you do a bit of research, you will see that the “eat less move more” stuff is nonsense. Yeah, eating less will cause weight loss and if someone imprisoned me and only fed me rations, I’d lose weight. However, if I am constantly hungry, eventually whatever will power I have will cave. Those who claim it’s super easy probably don’t spend most of the day starving hungry. Some peoples bodies really are their own worst enemies and people who haven’t experienced that can’t understand.

The feelings of extreme hunger are driven in large part by hormones, signals out out from your fat cells when they are called on to give up their energy reserves, and they pass, normally within two or three days of having changed your diet.

Slip up, and have a packet of job-mobs though and you can go straight back to the beginning again, and have to go through another few unpleasant days before they subside again.

It’s worth persevering. As I believe it was Kate Moss said, nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/06/2022 11:40

Calories in/calories out (CICO) has been debunked. The only way to access stored fat is to lower your insulin production as you cannot access stored fat in the presence of insulin. By reducing carbohydrate you drop your insulin and in order to run, your body turns to your fat stores, (once it has used the glycogen in your liver first and your muscles second). This is why ketogenic diets work. This is why the paleo diet works. This is why the carnivore diet works.

The second you eat carbs, your body runs on carbs instead of ketones/stored fat because the circulating sugar that it is turned into by the liver, is damaging to our cells.

If you keep topping up your carb load all day and half the night, your body cannot ever access your fat stores because of the insulin in your blood stream and this is why CICO doesn't totally work. You can be in caloric deficit but if the calories you have had is carbs, insulin is present and nothing will change. You just feel ropey af.

OP if you are still reading. Your DH probably used the 'royal we' to be nice. He is being nice. His thoughts and feeling are valid as are yours. He's not shallow or horrible or a woman hater. He knows his own mind is all and on threads on here where posters have said that they no longer fancy their DH because he has become massive/stopped washing/ stopped going to the dentist or started drinking five bottles of vodka a week, those posters are told that they are right to feel that way or at least that their feelings are valid.

He has been decent enough to raise it and by the sounds of it, in a kindly way. You have a choice of what to do with that information.

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 11:41

Redruby2020 · 13/06/2022 11:01

So size 10 is normal then, so we've all got to be that then. I'd love to be a 16!

Then get on the pizzas and nachos. Gaining weight is generally a lot easier to do than losing it.

Bear in mind though the functional capacity that you’ll lose and the cost to your health.

WouldBeGood · 13/06/2022 11:41

I calorie count with quite high protein and am always full. Eat anything, small calorie deficit as spoken about by pp so it’s a long term thing. But I had to decide to do it and motivate myself.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:42

Oh yes

Kate Moss.

The paragon of health.

🤣🤣

BiscuitLover3678 · 13/06/2022 11:45

Everything everyone else has said, but what is he doing to HELP you lose the weight. Is he giving you time to exercise, rest so you have energy to cook healthy meals etc?

if I were him I’d be worried about your health more than attractiveness and I wish he’d phrased it that way!

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 11:45

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:42

Oh yes

Kate Moss.

The paragon of health.

🤣🤣

She’s far more attractive though than anyone size 18.

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 13/06/2022 11:46

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/06/2022 11:40

Calories in/calories out (CICO) has been debunked. The only way to access stored fat is to lower your insulin production as you cannot access stored fat in the presence of insulin. By reducing carbohydrate you drop your insulin and in order to run, your body turns to your fat stores, (once it has used the glycogen in your liver first and your muscles second). This is why ketogenic diets work. This is why the paleo diet works. This is why the carnivore diet works.

The second you eat carbs, your body runs on carbs instead of ketones/stored fat because the circulating sugar that it is turned into by the liver, is damaging to our cells.

If you keep topping up your carb load all day and half the night, your body cannot ever access your fat stores because of the insulin in your blood stream and this is why CICO doesn't totally work. You can be in caloric deficit but if the calories you have had is carbs, insulin is present and nothing will change. You just feel ropey af.

OP if you are still reading. Your DH probably used the 'royal we' to be nice. He is being nice. His thoughts and feeling are valid as are yours. He's not shallow or horrible or a woman hater. He knows his own mind is all and on threads on here where posters have said that they no longer fancy their DH because he has become massive/stopped washing/ stopped going to the dentist or started drinking five bottles of vodka a week, those posters are told that they are right to feel that way or at least that their feelings are valid.

He has been decent enough to raise it and by the sounds of it, in a kindly way. You have a choice of what to do with that information.

This is nonsense actually. I'm losing fat and gaining muscle steadily just by counting calories. I eat carbs all the time. CICO has not been 'debunked'...

Alltheleavesaregreen1 · 13/06/2022 11:47

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 11:39

The feelings of extreme hunger are driven in large part by hormones, signals out out from your fat cells when they are called on to give up their energy reserves, and they pass, normally within two or three days of having changed your diet.

Slip up, and have a packet of job-mobs though and you can go straight back to the beginning again, and have to go through another few unpleasant days before they subside again.

It’s worth persevering. As I believe it was Kate Moss said, nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

No, in my experience, the cravings don’t subside after a couple of days. In fact, I can go for a couple of months and be okay but sooner or later they come back really strong. The evidence suggests that that’s a common experience - weight loss is okay in the short term but fails over long periods.

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2022 11:49

daisyjgrey · 13/06/2022 11:13

The recent ‘body positivity’ craze has seen the average dress size go up from a 10 to a 16 in the last few years.

Citation for this please?!

It’s not true. The average woman was a size 12 in 1957. The average size has never been a ten. It’s nothing to do with body positivity and everything to do with leading more sedentary lives and eating more processed foods.

In response to the OP, doesn’t anyone take their marriage vows seriously any more? Nobody promised to love their spouse as long as they were slim and attractive, the vows are for unconditional love.

5128gap · 13/06/2022 11:49

Its not selfish, no. He has basically given you an ultimatum, which is lose weight or not have sex. You are completely free to choose from those options as you see fit.
Just as he is free to chose to have sex with you, not have sex at all, or leave you and try and find someone else to have sex with.
Whether objectively you are attractive or not, or how many other men might choose to have sex with you is irrelevant. When it comes to choosing sex, only the opinion of the person concerned matters and he has been clear about his.
You might decide this makes him too shallow to want to be with, or you might decide the relationship is worth it in other ways. What you can't force him to do is want and have sex with you at your current weight.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:53

@NotKevinTurvey

In your opinion.

Not in mine.

Either way, she's not healthy and doesn't look it.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 13/06/2022 11:54

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:53

@NotKevinTurvey

In your opinion.

Not in mine.

Either way, she's not healthy and doesn't look it.

Going byvthe OP he's pilled on the pounds too. Don't see any on here saying he's unhealthy.

NippyWoowoo · 13/06/2022 11:54

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 11:45

She’s far more attractive though than anyone size 18.

At least someone is copping to the fact that being slim is really about looks and not, as many claim with faux concern, about health.

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:57

@NippyWoowoo

That someone has spent most of the thread claiming its about health though.

🤣

Alltheleavesaregreen1 · 13/06/2022 12:03

At least someone is copping to the fact that being slim is really about looks and not, as many claim with faux concern, about health

Yes, the health risks to someone who is overweight with BMI 26-29 are actually fairly minimal, especially if they don’t smoke and drink and are relatively active. No, they won’t cause the NHS to buckle so those that are worried can rest assured. Size 14-18 women who are being told by partners and others to lose weight for their “health” are being lied to.

Johnnysgirl · 13/06/2022 12:04

The average woman was a size 12 in 1957
I doubt a size 12 in 1957 was anything like a size 12 now.

SupremeDreamz · 13/06/2022 12:04

Jesus Christ.

These responses are so depressing. I appreciate my relationship a lot more after reading them.

Even if people think losing weight is the way to go, do you really think the Dh's actions here are encouraging?

This whole thread just reminds me of my mother's eating disorder and how she foisted it onto me. Shame = health, love and happiness, right? Ugh.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/06/2022 12:09

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:57

@NippyWoowoo

That someone has spent most of the thread claiming its about health though.

🤣

Can't it be about both? I'd be concerned if my partner was overweight, for their health, and also I wouldn't be attracted to them. It can be both.

NotKevinTurvey · 13/06/2022 12:09

Topgub · 13/06/2022 11:57

@NippyWoowoo

That someone has spent most of the thread claiming its about health though.

🤣

No, I haven’t; why this dishonesty?

I said that what we find attractive and what we believe to be healthy are correlated.

You might be fine being with someone who needs a cloth on a stick to wipe their bottom, and who often finds a mars bar that they lost tucked under a roll of flab, but let’s not pretend that that’s normal.

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/06/2022 12:13

SarahAndQuack · 12/06/2022 23:57

I'm curious: would the people who think the OP is in the wrong here also expect their husbands to leave once they hit a certain age? After all, if your husband married you when you were 25, isn't it only natural he will find you a disgusting, hideous crone when you're all of 40? If he left you to date more 25 year olds, that would just be him being 'honest,' right?

Exactly. For me, love means being attracted to someone whatever changes physically because it transcends that. If I had cancer and lost a breast I wouldn’t be ok with my DP deciding I wasn’t attractive anymore because he’s a boob man. For me weight fluctuations are an inevitable part of my life. My weight goes up and down by several stone depending on stress, emotional upheaval and anxiety as well as what job I’m doing and how much I eat etc.

My recent ex and I both put on 3-4 stone during our time together and both found each other equally sexually attractive at any weight.

HarryStottel · 13/06/2022 12:14

I don't think anyone can judge it as black and white as fat/overweight = unattractive.

I'm sure we can all think of celebrities or people in the public eye that are noticeably overweight but you still ' would' .

As a man, I'm much more likely to find a very slim/skinny woman sexually unattractive than I would a size 18 + .

Topgub · 13/06/2022 12:14

@NotKevinTurvey

Being incredibly rude about overweight people isn't make you appear attractive, thats for sure

SupremeDreamz · 13/06/2022 12:18

Topgub · 13/06/2022 12:14

@NotKevinTurvey

Being incredibly rude about overweight people isn't make you appear attractive, thats for sure

High five, mate!