Am I being selfish to not lose weight for my husband?

[Boo123456]

My husband keeps saying that 'we' need to lose weight to become attracted to each other again to save our relationship. For the record I have never once said I don't find him attractive. I still do but apparently he doesn't find me attractive enough to initiate sex. He said he can't live in a sexless marriage. I am a UK size 18 and pretty sure plenty of men would have sex with me looking like I do. We have a 4 year old daughter and I do most of the looking after so I don't find it easy to find time to look after myself. Am I being selfish by not losing weight?

Also, some medication can cause people to gain several stone in a few months, usually by massively stimulating appetite. Telling someone to eat 1500 calories a day when their body is (constantly) telling them to eat 3000 is a difficult battle. It’s not that people are stupid or lazy, it’s that for many, especially once they have been obese, their bodies are programmed to gain weight wherever possible.

No, a size 18 isn't necessarily obese, I'm 5'7 and hit size 18 at around 13 stone which is a 29 BMI.

And then OP goes and loses the weight and he leaves her anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

So size 10 is normal then, so we've all got to be that then. I'd love to be a 16!

Never realised that for most men, so that means we can all sleep well tonight knowing that we must be attractive to somebody then. There was always a saying that men will sleep with who they can. And i believe that is true even for a husband!

@Alltheleavesaregreen1 it isn't nonsense. You don't have to go in a big calorie deficit. A 250 calorie deficit will have you losing half a pound a week. Slow but you won't be starving.

Perhaps your not eating proper foods that fill you up , that's why your starving

But yes on a diet / ina calorie deficit you should go to bed a little peckish but not STARVING

Maybe your just so used to your stomach being overstuffed with food that anything less is now starving.

If your on a small deficit and maintain your STARVING then I don't think you actually know when your hungry or not. Many people actually don't. They eat when they're full. Anything less than a full belly is room for more food.

Even if you were STARVING , you're not actually starving and if you just continue, you will lose weight.

As long as your not eating a too low calorie diet or having poor unwilling food choices, you will not be starving.

There is some days when I've been dieting , Nd I also want to have nice meals , home cooked spaghetti bol etc but I like to have the full works cheese etc and I struggle to fit in Mt calorie limit, so you know what I do ? I go to thr gym so I can burn an extra few hundred calls then I can happily have my extra cheese.

So if you don't wanna eat less, eat your maintainance calories then just burn a few hundred calories exercise a day.

People love to overcomplicate it cos it's difficult, and people don't like doing difficult things.

id hate my partner to say this to me really. I could do with losing a bit of weight, as could he, but it hasnt affected how we feel about each other or our attraction to each other.
I think it would make me feel really pressured

No, that might have worked for you but it’s not going to work for everyone and statistically won’t work for you in the long run either. Most people regain all weight lost simply because while it’s simple in theory, it’s very difficult in practice if your body keeps telling you to eat more. If it really was simple, then people wouldn’t be having bariatric surgery.

@Alltheleavesaregreen1 nobody is saying eat 1500 calories a day. Calorie needs are worked out using factors such as height, weight, age , activity level etc.

A big calorie deficit isn't the only way to lose weight. The problem is people want results fast , and do unsustainable diets.

I can lose weight (slowly) eating 1900 calories a day. For OP or someone who is bigger , the calorie amount would likely be even more, depending on their activity level.

So don't act like the only way to lose weight is a heavily restrictive diet

... and we will all be in the DM tomorrow. On an article about obesity and fat shaming.

Even if you were STARVING , you're not actually starving and if you just continue, you will lose weight.

it’s the “just continue” thing that shows you don’t get it. If your body tells you it is starving (whether it actually is or not), you can’t “just continue” because you can’t concentrate on other stuff/sleep etc when your brain is telling you you’re starving. If you read some research on metabolic changes that occur once the body becomes obese, you will see that “just eat less” is useless advice to someone who is very overweight.

@RhiRhi1996

Yet you keep pretending it's easy

🤣

i think people are confusing love and sexual attraction. My Dh put on weight and whilst i still love him and told him i was worried about his weight gain, I didn't find his eating habits attractive either. After we had our second baby we both went on a diet. He and i were better for it. His weight still fluctuates and i do love him but don't always find him sexually attractive.

So don't act like the only way to lose weight is a heavily restrictive diet

im not saying it is. But some people’s bodies will tell them they need more food than they actually need. Working against your appetite is incredibly difficult and is the reason the vast majority who lose weight don’t keep it off for long. If that’s not you, thank your lucky stars but don’t assume all are the same.

The recent ‘body positivity’ craze has seen the average dress size go up from a 10 to a 16 in the last few years.

Citation for this please?!

Does not sound correct to me.

5 foot 7 and 13 stone is a size 18? Who knew?

I[m 5 foot 9 and 10 stone and a size 10.

@Topgub @Alltheleavesaregreen1 you two just love to nit pick information.

I am not condoning a diet where you are starving. I am saying a small deficit to lose weight very slowly. The slower you lose weight aka more sustainable the diet the more likely to keep the weight off & stick to it.

Top grub I never said it was easy, I've repeatedly said it isn't easy, but is entirely possible. It is hard work, more so mentally, to stick to a diet. But you can do it.

Your just making excuses cos it's easier to think weight loss is impossible for you or other people have it so much easier than to accept you don't have the willpower to not go to bed with a full stomach.

Anyway, we can argue all day but this is going nowhere so I'm out

It's almost like different bodies are different shapes and sizes and weigh more or less due to a multitude of different factors...

I'm surprised people genuinely think sexual attraction has nothing to do with how someone looks.

It's pretty obvious isn't it?

I am not condoning a diet where you are starving. I am saying a small deficit to lose weight very slowly. The slower you lose weight aka more sustainable the diet the more likely to keep the weight off & stick to it.

and I am saying that for many, their bodies will tell them that IS starvation, even if it clearly isn’t, due to hormonal conditions in their body. When I was on anti depressants, I could eat 6000 calories a day and my body still thought it was hungry. Yes, deeply fucked up and it’s better now because I no longer take the meds but advice of a “small deficit” was as useful as a chocolate tea pot at the time.

@RhiRhi1996

Its not nit picking. Its stating the obvious.

It is possible. So is climbing mount everest doesn't mean its doable for most.

I dont have to justify anything either, I'm not trying to lose weight.

It is possible to understand the facts objectively

Genuinely, I don't know.
I mean it.
On one hand, it is true that most of females appearing in pornography are slim and conventionally attractive but then again women who are overweight and not at all conventionally attractive get pregnant so I simply do not know.

I say this not to be goady at all.
My ex used to say overweight women turned him off. I was not overweight at all. He still got a very large woman pregnant.

What's that all about? I think he was trying to control me but I'm not sure 100%.Maybe some candid input from men is needed here.

Yes, and obese is known now to be unhealthy. Those pretending it isn’t, or that it isn’t normal to prefer a healthy-sized partner are being disingenuous.

You seem to be trying pretty hard to suggest that others should just settle for being obese too, though, which isn’t very nice.

@NotKevinTurvey

There's nothing normal about attraction its not abnormal to not care what size someone is either