Feel pathetic - he’s gone on holiday

[ellsy99]

Been with boyfriend for a year. I posted already. I feel pathetic even writing this but I struggle with anxiety, I have OCD and struggle from trauma so am quite codependent and insecure.

My boyfriend is so lovely and he’s had a 3 week trip booked for years now with his friend, kept getting cancelled due to covid. He’s gone today and I’m so sad about it.

I’m so excited for him but it’s also been an awful few weeks. I’ve started new medication so I’ve been extra anxious, nit picking and always asking him questions. Like a self fulfilling prophecy lol. It’s got to the point where he told me it’s been hard, draining and taking up all his time. He’s reassured me to not worry, that everything will be ok, he’s happy and there are no issues, but I can tell he’s ever so slightly off and I’m now the more affectionate one because he used to be and now things aren’t quite the same. He said it’s just because it’s been hard and that he will be himself again soon.

He went yesterday and I’m trying to be okay but I haven’t heard from him. Even little things, he got to the airport and didn’t text me at all in the airport, even though he was delayed - usually he would as tbh he’s on his phone quite a lot, takes pictures and sends them to me etc but I didn’t hear anything from him.

I’m so worried I’ve ruined things and he will realise while he’s away. I feel so guilty about how I’ve been with him but I can’t talk about it because it’ll ruin his holiday and I want him to have a great time. Things don’t seem quite right and it’s going to be a seriously long 3 weeks especially as I won’t hear from him much due to the time difference

I think this resonates with a lot of people! It's really hard when you're anxious and you are craving for that person to fix it by being attentive and loving but they have no idea and they're just doing their thing. It can feel torturous sometimes if you're in that frame of mind.

You say you've tried workbooks, which ones and how long did you stick at them? I can share some self help stuff for anxiety (Evidence based, that the NHS use) if you want. You have to really stick at it though, even if it doesn't initially feel like it's working. You didn't get to this level of anxiety overnight, it'll take time to work to bring it down and see things in a different light again.

Ultimately I hope you can get to a point where you don't feel you 'need' him and as sad as you'd be if it ended, you know that you will be able to cope and move on. That's the only way out of this, as you'll repeat this pattern with the next person too and the next.

Morning all!
Been reading through all your responses today again and they’re honestly all so so helpful. I’m bored out of my mind at work at the moment lol!
Taking it one day at a time. After work I have physio and then netball training 😀

I woke up to a text saying “tried to call you but you must be asleep, just heading out for the evening, I love you”. No other messages since then, so no idea what he did last night, but I’m trying not to worry myself!

Also remembered I have a week off work next week. Half tempted to jet off somewhere myself and catch some rays! ☀️

That's all really positive @ellsy99 and hope it puts your mind at rest. Definitely organise something fun and trouble free for your week off next week. Each time you feel wobbly or worried, come back to this thread for a reminder!

I think I panicked because it would’ve been early evening, and he sent nothing for the rest of the evening when he’s usually always updating me, or at least say goodnight or that he’s home. Really trying not to worry though

I think it's one of those situations where if you didn't reply, he wouldn't have any need to. And he's with friends, having a good time, it won't cross his mind to text if you're not actually talking. He said he loved you, he reached out to you - relax!

You’re doing great OP - and look! Not texting him or showing your anxiety to him is drawing him closer again! Keep it up and don’t worry! Sounds like he is really missing you too.

You are on a journey which will take time; it took me 6 years and some bad relationship choices, therapy (and lockdown) to realise I needed to be ok on my own, that I wasn’t a failure until I could have a healthy relationship with someone else. Now because I feel safe & secure on my own i feel so much better about relationships. I still have wobbles but don’t look to my partner for reassurance but to myself.

You are aware there is a problem, well done! Don’t give up trying to grow and learn. You may have past experiences from childhood perhaps that have contributed to how you are or it maybe something else, so don’t beat yourself up.

Op
you are doing so great ! And he’s sending lovely messages
i like what a op said about short term and long term goals

I had a dive this weekend too , and today I’m back on track a bit

Because unless you change the way you are treating him he may very well back off

as other pp mum said “you want him to be far from you for 3 weeks while he has a holiday, or for him to end it?”

I think a lot of your actions are fuelling the anxiety

so stop.

it would freak me the fuck out if I knew that every tick on a WhatsApp or Delivered/Read on a text or fgs every story was pored over in real time

invest in YOUR adventures, put something into your life to tell HIM about. You can’t pour from an empty pot. If all you’re interested in is Him and his validation of you, that’s not sustainable

YOU have to reassure yourself

you.

not him, not Mumsnet, nobody but you.

and the other point to bear in mind is that people are with us for the journey if they want to be and we can’t cling on to them because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

you say therapy hasn’t helped you, but you’re not putting any of it into practice

new routines and set yourself boundaries and targets - fake it till you make it

yup it’ll be uncomfortable, but it has to be uncomfortable for us to change

Oh and your narrative about yourself is mean.

you’re not pathetic, you’re brave.
you’re not losing him, you’re winning over anxiety because nothing is going to happen to change things unless you let anxiety win. So deep breath, feel uncomfortable and then distract yourself

MzHz
that’s a very good message

Thank you for the advice that’s so helpful. I definitely need to put more work in putting these things into practice!
I haven’t heard from boyfriend today but he’s posted pictures on Instagram, my instant reaction was anxiety but I’m trying not to worry and I haven’t sent any messages

Dear op, I also find this hard. One thing that's helped is starting a mood diary. Basically get a notebook and every time you feel a strong mood write it down in as much detail as you can. You can also use the book to write out messages you would send him. Just write them down in there! When you look back over it you'll get some insight, and writing them down is cathartic at the time, too. Try it.

One thing I have learnt about trust is that it is a choice. Do you trust him? Consider it seriously using real information you have about how he has behaved so far. If you don't find him trustworthy you shouldn't be with him. If you do, consider that a job done, and stop testing him. Realise that the problem is not that he is untrustworthy/disinterested but that you find it hard to trust (and I'm sure, bless you, that you have your reasons). This, then becomes the problem to work on. Privately, work for you to do. Good luck.

How are you doing OP

Hi! I’m doing ok, I guess. Pretty much the same story in that I’ve barely heard from him, but he is posting a lot of stories. I haven’t said anything though and I’m staying strong!
Work has been quiet this week which hasn’t helped. I have booked a short getaway with a friend for next week though!

Use this time to feel the anxiety, process it and then tell yourself that everything will be ok, and there is no point to worrying

you’ll have lots to ask him about when you see him

well done on booking the trip.please don’t bore the shit out of her about this? 🤣😂

Hi all!
I’ve been doing ok this week but for some reason really struggling today 1 week in. I had the last day at my new job today - we’ve been counting down until my notice ended because it’s been horrible - and he hasn’t acknowledged it. He also keeps ignoring my nice supportive messages (eg have the best day, enjoy XYZ) and not responding tov to them.

I just can’t deal with the anxiety of not knowing how things are going to be when he’s home as honestly I don’t know ☹️

@ellsy99 I think the best things that could happen here is for him to finish this relationship with you.

I say that with kindness btw. But it's very clearly not something you can deal with or handle and it would probably be best for your mental health

Honestly, stop messaging him. Just stop. The more you do, the worse it is

ellsy99 You need to stop messaging him if he's not answering or messaging you first! You're putting him under pressure again, whether you mean to or not. Because of the issues you had before you left, he'll be able to read the sub-text that you're spiralling and he won't want to engage because he's on holiday and trying to enjoy himself. Don't push him into sending a message you won't like. It's like prodding a wasp's nest – at some point it will retaliate and sting you on the arse. So leave it now and if he does message you again, tell him you're going away next week yourself and will be in touch when you're back.

Hello all just thought I’d update. Went on my trip and it was amazing! Also feeling pretty good. I miss him but I feel much more in control of myself. I haven’t heard from boyfriend much but I have had some really nice messages. One week until he’s home
Wanted to thank you all so much for your supportive messages xx

Well done Ellsy, sounds like you've made some good progress 💐

Where did you go on your trip? I'm really glad you're feeling better ❤

What a great update! So pleased you had a great break yourself and you're feeling stronger. You've come such a long way in just a week!

Good to hear you are feeling stronger. Have you thought about some strategies you can implement when he is back again too, so you don't go straight back to what you were doing before he left?

Hey all!!! He came back today!
I’m so happy because he came home with a little gift for me and so excited to tell me all his stories. He is of course now jet lagged though which means he is fast asleep 🥲😂
I feel like I had nothing to worry about though!

thank you all for helping me ❤️❤️

That's really good to hear - hopefully you can see you've made progress and are stronger than you thought 😁