Feel pathetic - he’s gone on holiday

[ellsy99]

Been with boyfriend for a year. I posted already. I feel pathetic even writing this but I struggle with anxiety, I have OCD and struggle from trauma so am quite codependent and insecure.

My boyfriend is so lovely and he’s had a 3 week trip booked for years now with his friend, kept getting cancelled due to covid. He’s gone today and I’m so sad about it.

I’m so excited for him but it’s also been an awful few weeks. I’ve started new medication so I’ve been extra anxious, nit picking and always asking him questions. Like a self fulfilling prophecy lol. It’s got to the point where he told me it’s been hard, draining and taking up all his time. He’s reassured me to not worry, that everything will be ok, he’s happy and there are no issues, but I can tell he’s ever so slightly off and I’m now the more affectionate one because he used to be and now things aren’t quite the same. He said it’s just because it’s been hard and that he will be himself again soon.

He went yesterday and I’m trying to be okay but I haven’t heard from him. Even little things, he got to the airport and didn’t text me at all in the airport, even though he was delayed - usually he would as tbh he’s on his phone quite a lot, takes pictures and sends them to me etc but I didn’t hear anything from him.

I’m so worried I’ve ruined things and he will realise while he’s away. I feel so guilty about how I’ve been with him but I can’t talk about it because it’ll ruin his holiday and I want him to have a great time. Things don’t seem quite right and it’s going to be a seriously long 3 weeks especially as I won’t hear from him much due to the time difference

What have you got planned whilst he is away? Do you have a project you can get on with to keep busy and to talk about with him? A room to decorate, a craft project, weekend away with family/ friends? Show him that you are ok and doing stuff without him.

The gardening is a great idea or a couch to 5k or yoga with Adrienne or something physical will help too.

Anxiety is a nightmare but try to keep yourself occupied, however that is, it will be better than being home alone overthinking.

The occasional positive message is ok, but I wouldn’t text him first more than once a day.

If you know what she's experiencing, then you'll know how easy it is to catastrophise when you're worried. Also, there's no rule on MN that you can only post once about an issue! The previous thread was her worrying about him going away, this thread is for advice on how to cope now he's gone. In her mind, with her MH issues, three weeks may as well be a year. Maybe show some compassion, eh?

It's really positive you acknowledge that your anxiety drives these feelings, it sucks that accessing support takes so long. My friend has crippling anxiety and found that writing down her worries and concerns as she felt them really helped- along with leaning on friends etc.

Every other day is way too frequent. Maybe once a week.

Let the man have his carefree holiday! He's not her doctor or therapist.

Thank you everyone! As sad as it sounds I’m trying to adjust to not talking to him (he doesn’t have data). Will keep it light hearted and happy when he makes contact!

I think I’m most worried about him being happier out there and realising he doesn’t want me, which is hard to deal with

If you text him you will push him away.
If you give him some peace and let him enjoy his holiday he will respect and love you.
Simples.

I mean this in the nicest way: please get therapy.

He is probably just caught up with his pals, busy or enjoying himself. I just got back from a holiday and turned my phone off for the whole time! It was liberating!
Let him come to you; you badgering him wont make him want to talk to you.

Exercise is your friend. It'll put you in a much better mood and it'll be good for your body as well.

Honestly, I know 3 weeks feels like a long time but it will fly by and he'll be back before you know it. Distract yourself with anything and everything. Put your phone down.

Male psychology says that men tend to fall in love with a women's absence rather than her presence. So just give him space to miss you. He is not going to suddenly forget about you after 3 weeks when he's been with you for a whole year, it just doesn't work like that. So don't worry.

Thank you all. I have such a weird mindset that it feels like we don’t have a relationship anymore because we’re barely in contact. He’s messaged once since he arrived, saying he hopes I’m ok and a picture of his hotel. It’s just so strange after we usually speak so much.
i kept it light and said it looks amazing and I hope he has an amazing time and he’s just read it. I have a weird thought that if we don’t talk much it means he’s not interested anymore. Thank you everyone for being so kind xxx

I have a friend who was once in a relationship like this. When we did anything together she was constantly expected to text him and take photos of what was happened and then respond to his texts.

It was bloody awful and she couldn't enjoy herself or focus on what she was doing in that moment became she was expected to communicate with someone else all of the time. I will just take a photo of the menu for Andrew. Let's take a photo of us outside this museum for Andrew.

She was like a cat on a hot tin roof all of the time. It was as if she firstly had to prove she was doing what she had said she was doing and also as if she was responsible for his happiness. Like he was a child she was leaving with his grandmother for the first time. Or a tamagotchi.

@LollyGrabbing your friend was in a coercive controlled relationship having to prove to her Bf that they were in a relationship by constantly communicating with her bf. Her bfs neediness and desire to be shown that they are together is very suffocating.

Oh I know.

Thanks all. I really don’t want to be controlling. I think I’m finding it hard because we spoke so much at the beginning of the relationship and when he went on holiday once before he was texting me lots, saying how much he missed me, sending me updates and pictures etc throughout.
I guess I just worry now that it’s completely different to how it was because I got used to it? And I’m like, he wanted to do that before and now he isn’t bothered

What makes you so sure he's not going to bother this time, ellsy99, aside from the fact he's in a location where wifi will be v. v limited this time, plus there's a time difference?

You need these 3 weeks to find yourself without him. A relationship should enhance your life and not drain it. You can be in a successful relationship and have your own independence. Co dependency is off putting and will drive him away.

I’m not sure, I just have a feeling, he has wifi in his hotel but didn’t say goodnight and he always has done no matter what, also he put a story up, and it was an activity he didn’t tell me he was doing which is strange for him

When I’m away on work trips without my family, I like to be away. I’m enjoying the place where I am and the people I’m with and I’m living in the moment with them. I’ll message home, or call once or twice, but that’s it. It doesn’t mean I love them any less but I am enjoying being me, the individual. It’s crucial for my own mental health and well-being. DH gets this and tends to leave me in peace if I’m away.

Understandably because of your anxiety, your focus is very much on you and how you are feeling. Can you try to reframe it to think about what your boyfriend needs from this time away and the good it is doing him?

Your last couple of messages sounded more grounded, working on coping with your anxiety yourself. This one is worrying. This is too much focus on the what and when of someone's else life. Let's snip this strand of thought off before it spirals. Redirect it. Did you read or watch something good last night? Message a friend? Write in your journal? What are you doing with your day? It's sunny where I am, how about you?

Your poor bloke likely needs respite from your anxieties almost as much as you do! Leave him alone. Even in your head!

He doesnt need to tell you if he is joining an activity, he is on holiday. He has kept in touch, what more do you really want from him. What is the worse thing that could happen, a relationship should be fun and rewarding for both people , not full of anxiety and mistrust. Do you think you can switch off from worrying about him and the what ifs and channel your energy into something else more constructive that will help you focus on your own well being.

Okay, deep breath. Him not saying goodnight when he's on the other side of the world in a different time zone means nothing, nor does him doing an activity he hasn't run past you first. He's probably going to end up doing a lot of spontaneous stuff during the three weeks and you need to get in straight in your mind that it has absolutely no bearing on your relationship if he does! He's also likely to meet people, other women included. Again, it will have absolutely no bearing on your relationship if he does! But if he thinks you're sitting at home obsessively scrolling his feeds for signs he's gone off you, it might. I suggest taking any SM apps that might fuel your anxiety off your phone so you're not glued to them.

He can do whatever the hell he wants on his holiday without informing you ffs

Why do you keep directing so much anger at, OP??? If her thread annoys you that much, stay off it!

It’s only because he’s been on holiday before and he used to message all the time with updates, saying how much he missed me etc. All I’m saying is it feels very different and that’s what’s bothering me - if he was always like this it’d be fine

Sometimes a relationship is more intense and lovey dovey at the beginning, after a while couples settle down if they are happy and content and dont feel the need to constantly keep in touch. Have you had relationships before, what is it about this one that worries you so much, it may not last, you know that not all relationships are forever.

Hiya Ellsy!
What have you been doing today?
Up to anything interesting?

Leave him alone. Even in your head!