Feel pathetic - he’s gone on holiday

[ellsy99]

Been with boyfriend for a year. I posted already. I feel pathetic even writing this but I struggle with anxiety, I have OCD and struggle from trauma so am quite codependent and insecure.

My boyfriend is so lovely and he’s had a 3 week trip booked for years now with his friend, kept getting cancelled due to covid. He’s gone today and I’m so sad about it.

I’m so excited for him but it’s also been an awful few weeks. I’ve started new medication so I’ve been extra anxious, nit picking and always asking him questions. Like a self fulfilling prophecy lol. It’s got to the point where he told me it’s been hard, draining and taking up all his time. He’s reassured me to not worry, that everything will be ok, he’s happy and there are no issues, but I can tell he’s ever so slightly off and I’m now the more affectionate one because he used to be and now things aren’t quite the same. He said it’s just because it’s been hard and that he will be himself again soon.

He went yesterday and I’m trying to be okay but I haven’t heard from him. Even little things, he got to the airport and didn’t text me at all in the airport, even though he was delayed - usually he would as tbh he’s on his phone quite a lot, takes pictures and sends them to me etc but I didn’t hear anything from him.

I’m so worried I’ve ruined things and he will realise while he’s away. I feel so guilty about how I’ve been with him but I can’t talk about it because it’ll ruin his holiday and I want him to have a great time. Things don’t seem quite right and it’s going to be a seriously long 3 weeks especially as I won’t hear from him much due to the time difference

You're in a very difficult place. All you can do is give it time and see how things pan out. Your hand are tied. Can you use the time to meet friends.

I have met a friend for lunch today, it was nice but I have a sicky anxious feeling. Also seen a TikTok of someone’s boyfriend on holiday texting things like “it’s not the same without you/I miss you so much/I don’t feel whole” and it’s seriously triggered me!

Can you set yourself a project for while he's away? Repaint a room/have a rearrange of furniture/clean drawers and cupboards out. Find a focus.

He is probably just as drained and exhausted by your MH issues as you are, in the kindest way. Let him enjoy this holiday and just send breezy "so glad you're having a good time" replies.

Its good you are getting out, it will give you something to talk about when he gets back.

That's really sad that the Tik Tok boyfriend doesn't feel "whole" or can't have a nice time on holiday without his girlfriend there, that's not healthy at all. You wouldn't really want your boyfriend to be miserable on holiday without you, would you? You love him and want him to have a great time.

Great you had lunch! It's been a long time since I ate out. How's your friend? What do have planned for this evening? Anything fun, or Sunday chores?

That TikTok sounds ewwww, like a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

It might be a good idea to put him out of your mind for these next three weeks. Stop checking to see what he's doing/when he's read your messages etc. I know it's hard to do (I've been there), but you're just adding to your anxiety. Just let him go (from your thoughts). Take care of yourself. When I would spiral like this, I would go for a long walk (leave your mobile at home). I also got a lot of solace from doing collages. It was literally the only activity (besides walking) that would get me out of my head space. Buys some magazines (or use what you have) and just cut out and glue images that appeal to you. There's no wrong way to do it, and it is very relaxing.

You say that you're afraid he'll realise he's better off without you. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that ... either now or when he gets home (again, I've been there). The best you can do is try to find ways to be happy within yourself. That's really the only thing you can control. And if you can learn to be independent while he's gone, you can keep up that behaviour when he's back, and that can only help the relationship.

Lunch was lovely thanks, we went for an Italian! Going to take the evening to myself to pamper myself before work tomorrow.

He texted early this morning asking what I’m doing today and he said that he thinks I’d love the place where he’s staying. I replied but it didn’t deliver so I guess he’d gone out for the day. I’ve said I hope he has an amazing day and left it at that

Yum! Now I fancy a pizza. With olives and anchovies.

Sounds like a great text and reply. You don't need to know whether or when he's read it, so stop checking for that. Remember: leave him alone, even in your head.

Have a lovely pampering session, Ellsy. Keep practicing keeping your attention on your life, your friends, your activities ❤️

I remember your first post. You sounded very intense and smothering last post.

Let him enjoy his holiday. 3 weeks of not a huge amount of time. Keep yourself busy.

Just let him do all the messaging now he is away and don't tell him how worried you are. You are in danger of pushing him away. I couldn't be with someone that was so draining. Keep your insecurities to yourself and get help without sharing it with him. He sounds like a nice person who wants to be with you so don't ruin it

Sorry you're feeling rotten OP. Some people have mentioned the word controlling, I don't think you are, but you do have a level of generalised anxiety that produces the same negative end result. You presumably realise that continuing like this is not viable (for either you or the people around you), which is why you are seeking help in the form of medication and talking therapy. Well done for that, as it's a big step. Anxiety loves a worst case scenario, so you can take some of the power out of that by actively confronting it. If he does decide while he's away that you two are ultimately not compatible, you worrying now will not do anything to change that - and it won't have been solely due to you pestering him in the days leading up to the holiday, so don't berate yourself about that. I have no idea about your relationship, but perhaps if you really dug deep, you might even come to the same conclusion (you said yourself you'd been having some issues). Maybe your fretting about the relationship isn't so much about him specifically as about trying to keep things safe and the same. Again, I've no idea - but just some things to think about based on my own experience of anxiety. My point is, that's the worst case scenario - and if it happens, you'll survive, and not only that, but it means you weren't perfect for each other anyway. Why would you want to stay in that relationship? If he comes back and all is fine, all the better. For the meantime, try to acknowledge and accept your anxious feelings rather than expecting to magically wake up without them and then feel even worse when you realise they're still there. Have realistic expectations for the next three weeks - you're unlikely to suddenly start having the time of your life, but you can and certainly should make sure the time is not wasted. Eat well, do some exercise you enjoy, spring clean, see friends, do your hobbies and work on your own personal plans for the future - even if you have to force yourself. See any communication from him as a bonus, and try to convey that you're happy for him to be having good experiences. You're a complete person without him, and either way you'll be okay :)

This is just someone on TikTok sharing personal messages for exactly the outcome you're giving them - people feeling jealous / that they don't measure up / that it's extraordinary etc.

A secure, happy, healthy couple doesn't feel the need IMO to make those kind of conversations public. It's attention seeking and immature as fuck!

You know that your feelings about your boyfriend being away are not healthy I think? If you're honest with yourself, you'd rather he told you he wasn't having a good time because you weren't there.

Think about what that means - Wanting someone else to be having a worse time to make you feel better isn't what healthy love looks like.

You're projecting your insecurities onto him and unfortunately it's backfired because if you hadn't kept guilt tripping him about being away and fishing for an unhealthy level of reassurance, you would likely be actually feeling MORE secure and reassured now because he wouldn't have pulled away as much.

You've unfortunately pushed him so much that he is understandably probably feeling smothered and even less inclined to keep reassuring you. I've been on both sides of this (yours when I was much younger and his later on - different relationships, neither current) and both are absolutely fucking exhausting.

If you need the level of 'reassurance' you've described (I've used quotation marks because it's not reassurance so much as constant proof of being his sole interest to an unhealthy level) then you need some counselling or it will spoil all your relationships, either ending them or making them toxic.

Healthy, happy, well balanced love is calm. It can be passionate, it can (and should!) be fun and full of laughter. But it is calm, secure and not anxious or panic inducing. I didn't know that until I had done the work in therapy, had a decent chunk of time single and only dated once I felt I didn't actually 'need' someone, I wanted someone IF they were right and brought out the best in me but not otherwise.

You've made him a huge part of your identity. So much so that him being on a three week holiday is making you completely obsessive about what he's doing / thinking and has rocked you. You've lost sight of yourself being a whole, entire person separate to him.

See, you are already making progress! He texted (showing you he's thinking about you) but you didn't spin and responded calmly. Good you've got a plan to occupy yourself this evening too. You'll find the weekdays easier because you're working, so organise something now to fill up next weekend. You are already doing loads better than you feared you would, so well done!

But stay off TT! It's a soul sucker.

I think this is normal. My DH and I messaged each other constantly at the beginning, when it's new and exciting. Now, we sometimes message each other a lot or sometimes barely at all, depending on whether we have anything interesting to say. And while we enjoy spending time together, we do lots of things independently of each other because we both value that space to be individuals as well as a couple.

It doesn't mean that we love each other any less, it's just not that intense, can't-get-enough-of-you infatuation that we felt at the beginning. The balance that we've arrived at (although I think that we might spend less time together than many couples, there's no one size fits all) feels comfortable and sustainable. Plus, doing things apart means that we always have lots to talk about when we spend 'couple' time together.

I have read most of the thread but not all of it, and it sounds like your partner is a decent man. And his need for some space and independence sounds very healthy and not an indication of any lack of commitment.

This is a great idea if you have a garden. Being out in the sunshine, doing something physical and creating something lovely is a great distraction (and good for your health.) If you don't have a garden, perhaps find a lovely garden near you (national trust or something) and spend some time walking outside somewhere beautiful. Although I needed therapy to help with anxiety after a trauma, gardening and time outdoors was far and away the most helpful thing I did to care for myself. And I might be talking bollocks, but I truly think there's something about getting lots of natural sunlight that helps.

I love the idea of the gardening! Unfortunately I live in a flat but may ask my parents if I can use their garden lol. 🥕🥕🥕

Thanks all so much. I definitely realise my expectations are unhealthy and I’m trying really hard to challenge them and regulate myself! I have a spa weekend with a friend next weekend after a week of work so it’s looking good 😌

He texted again “wish you were here, it’s so cool, you’d love it! Have a great evening xxx”

Thanks all again for being so kind despite how pathetic I am sounding. You are all really helping me feel more positive ❤️

That's such a great update, OP! He's texted that he wishes you were there, you have a spa weekend lined up with a mate and you've really taken on board how you need to moderate your clinging behaviour. By the time he comes back I reckon you'll see this him going away separately as such a healthy thing to do you'll be booking your own girls' holiday! x

You’re doing great! And you’ve given him the space to miss you, which is good, doesn’t matter how loved up we are, everyone needs a bit of space and to do their own thing once in a while. It’s hard when you feel anxious but that space can often increase love and closeness in the long run, which sounds like what’s happening for him with that text.

Looks like you’re really trying with new ways of coping and you’re getting some benefits, that’s really fantastic, I hope you feel proud of yourself.

See, it's not as bad as you imagined it was going to be 😊

Now that you've taken a step back and focused on yourself a bit more, it's given him some space to breath, to enjoy himself, and also to miss you as well. Just let him take the lead on messaging and just keep yourself busy in the meantime.

Even though I don't know you, I feel so happy that you appear to be in a much better mental state than you were when you started your original post.

please please build on these positive steps you’re taking. This is your big chance to stop this unhealthy behaviour. Don’t waste the opportunity. Your fear s are probably unfounded and i bet he is really missing you. You sound lovely so keep trying to regulate your behaviour - it would be such a shame to drive him away xxx

You have a short-term challenge and a longer-term challenge here. The short-term challenge is to manage your anxiety day-to-day while your boyfriend is away. Your longer-term challenge is to learn how to manage yourself in order to have a happier life. This might include therapy, getting your medication in order, and learning more about self-help approaches, making lifestyle adjustments eg getting more exercise, social interaction, all things which add up to nurture you. Baby steps, so let's focus on managing today and tomorrow first.
DIY mental first-aid - I have a note pinned to my phone home screen which is 'first aid' for when anxiety or obsessive thoughts start to spiral. Just bullet points for things which I know distract me from intrusive thoughts, feelings of panic etc. Can you make a list of distraction activities which work for you? For me, it has to be something which requires too much concentration or effort for me to be able to 'ruminate' while I'm doing it. When I was really bad, I had to avoid going for walks because my mind would run overdrive whilst walking, no matter how fast, yet cycling, rowing or jogging worked brilliantly because I had to concentrate so hard on them, my thoughts couldn't spiral. Ditto for things which are more creative or mentally demanding than what I usually do.
Here's what's on my list:

• Intensive exercise eg rowing, cycling. Great as it's making me healthier and happier long-term as well.
• Gardening - there's something about weeding and trimming which drives away the dementors of intrusive thoughts.
• Decluttering - choose a drawer, cupboard or room and go through it thoroughly. Lots of help online. Even if it doesn't help with your anxiety, it will make your home nicer. And it really, really helps mine.
• Clean the hell out of something. Scrubbing kitchen unit doors or table legs works for me. Nb I am not OCD about cleaning, the house really does get grimy.
• Engage my creativity by practising a musical instrument, singing, or crafting. Lots of free tutorials online for anything creative you might fancy. This seems to require so much concentration for me that the intrusive thoughts don't get a look in. Practising music scales - repetitive, rhythmic - really helps me.
• Duolingo languate app/website - fun, and really distracts me plus I learn languages.
• Do a DIY job around the house, or something else that I've been putting off. One of those tasks on your to-do list that silently nags you every time you remember you haven't done it yet.
• Loud music which is either motivating or soothing, maybe angry, but definitely not navel-gazing music!

You've had some great suggestions on this thread for first-aid when your thoughts start to spiral - various posts I've noted for my own future use eg from @Minoloso and @Stravaig and @elle1005 and many others. I loved the idea about trying new make-up styles etc , will definitely add that to my list! Knowing that you have the ability to manage your own mood to some extent is an important step to getting better - part of knowing that true happiness and mental health has to come from you, not from your relationship. Re longer-term things you can do, in addition to the big steps of therapy etc, you could think of goals which would make you more confident, so that you are more able to appreciate your own value in or out of a relationship. Keeping fit and healthy can be an important part of that. Maybe learning new skills. Getting out and trying new hobbies.
Wishing you lots of success

So many good ideas in here @sleepymum50

At this juncture there is a chance he goes away and enjoys the break from your anxiety
but there is also a chance that you back off and he misses you
we don’t know

what I will say and it echoes everyone else
if to use these three weeks for some self care

I totally emphasise , and all the practical stuff really works
lets the meds settle
make dates to see people and connect
exercise like crazy
make daily fresh air mandatory
eat right
sleep
try some practical self help books , look at Amazon reviews and see which resonates

don’t text him , let him message when he has data

again I emphasise and this shit works for me
and I’m older and have many more bruises !

He deserves a break. Send him one happy text saying 'have a great time' then forget about him for the rest of his break. Don't torment yourself.

Keep yourself as busy as possible - see friends, etc.

If you're self-aware enough to know that you're co-dependent, then you're self-aware enough to stop yourself when you feel yourself being unreasonable or controlling. This is a relatively new relationship, and your bf may decide it's all too much hard work otherwise. There are lots of self-help tools out there while you're waiting for counselling. Good luck.