Feel pathetic - he’s gone on holiday

[ellsy99]

Been with boyfriend for a year. I posted already. I feel pathetic even writing this but I struggle with anxiety, I have OCD and struggle from trauma so am quite codependent and insecure.

My boyfriend is so lovely and he’s had a 3 week trip booked for years now with his friend, kept getting cancelled due to covid. He’s gone today and I’m so sad about it.

I’m so excited for him but it’s also been an awful few weeks. I’ve started new medication so I’ve been extra anxious, nit picking and always asking him questions. Like a self fulfilling prophecy lol. It’s got to the point where he told me it’s been hard, draining and taking up all his time. He’s reassured me to not worry, that everything will be ok, he’s happy and there are no issues, but I can tell he’s ever so slightly off and I’m now the more affectionate one because he used to be and now things aren’t quite the same. He said it’s just because it’s been hard and that he will be himself again soon.

He went yesterday and I’m trying to be okay but I haven’t heard from him. Even little things, he got to the airport and didn’t text me at all in the airport, even though he was delayed - usually he would as tbh he’s on his phone quite a lot, takes pictures and sends them to me etc but I didn’t hear anything from him.

I’m so worried I’ve ruined things and he will realise while he’s away. I feel so guilty about how I’ve been with him but I can’t talk about it because it’ll ruin his holiday and I want him to have a great time. Things don’t seem quite right and it’s going to be a seriously long 3 weeks especially as I won’t hear from him much due to the time difference

I agree.
All that has happened so far is that he hasn’t texted you.
Stop catastrophising. Let him enjoy his trip. He will be with his friend so probably busy with other things.
send him a text when he arrives to say you hope he had a good flight etc… don’t make it heavy. Check in with him from time to time. That’s it.

For all you know, he might need time to relax himself and recover from those few weeks.
And don’t listen to MN on how awful you are and it’s impossible to live with you. In RL, people act in very different ways. They are often caring and compassionate when MN goes LTB/couldnt cope with you/your behaviours.

Use this time not to get bogged down by feeling low and naval gazing but to try and get some positive energy around you

Thats the sort of comment someone with little knowledge of MH illness would say…
You have no idea how serious the issues of the OP are advice on ‘stopping navel gazing’ are out of line to say the least.

What we do know though is that the OP is doing her best to help herself. She has tried self help books, is waiting for counselling through the NHS, has medication What else are you expecting her to do except just snapping out of it (which is what your comment as basically saying)?

Can you try some of the following.

When you find yourself thinking the disturbing thoughts put them in a mental box, to look at later, and make yourself think/do something else. The idea is you allow yourself a time to think these scary thoughts, say twice a day for 15 mins only, but start training yourself to think of other things, and don’t dwell on the intrusive thoughts.

Reframe his absence as an opportunity for him to miss you (absence makes the heart grow fonder), rather than an opportunity for him to think about leaving you.
as another PP said, become a good actress. Send texts light and casual eg “hope you are having a fab time”

Visualise and imagine yourself on his return being the person you would like to be. Think of all the things you could show him you have done in his absence ( gardening, decorating, hobbies or exercises) show him you can manage without him (more acting needed).

My DH was in the military, so when I was much younger he was away an awful lot and even had a couple of detachments which last 4 and 5 months each.

As others have said, keep busy, and try and train your brain not to dwell on these negative thoughts.

Keep reading articles and books on anything that you think might help you.
it is hard work, because you have to be watching yourself all the time (like a smoker giving up smoking) and your brain will want to revert to worrying.

Op I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. As PPs said it's really good that you understand that you're acting irrationally and know that you're codependent.

Have you looked into Coda at all?
codauk.org/

It's free and lots of meetings are online.

@frozendaisy had some great advice about when and what to text him.

In my circle of friends

It's totally normal to go on holidays with friends

It's totally normal to different hobbies

It's totally normal to have time apart

So that when you ate together, you have stories to tell, photos to share

You can then appreciate your time together

Being stuck together with just one person is not healthy

Do you have some hobbies ?

I remember your last post and I think you should be really proud of yourself that he's gone away and you aren't having a meltdown already and texting him incessantly – that's progress! Can I make a suggestion that might help? Every time you feel anxious and overwhelmed in the next three weeks and want to text him for reassurance, send the message to your own number instead. Seeing the texts pop up on your phone might help you realise how needy they come across and how he will read them, and it might calm you down a bit. But you're doing so, so well – the fact you recognise your behaviour is a good thing.

Get out walking. A lot. And fond something productive to do, volunteering or helping others, to take your mind off yourself.

Whatever you do, leave him alone to enjoy his holiday.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this! I've struggled with OCD and reassurance seeking, both with my health and in relationships.

I personally found venlafaxine incredibly helpful for my OCD, alongside person centered and CBT therapy. I'd really recommend going on the bacp website to find a suitable therapist. They often do sliding scale costs so it depends on your income/personal situation.

Whilst doing some things in the short term will help (exercise, fresh air, seeing friends etc), this is something that needs to be managed long term and will not be fixed or helped by the reassurance you crave from your partner. The reassurance from them will never be enough and will exacerbate the cycle you are in.

Really wishing you luck and hope you can get the support you need. Do try to be kind to yourself as well x

Whilst I understand what you are saying, and the comment does sound a bit flippant, it's also true.

I lived with depression and anxiety for years. I had therapy and medication and, in the end, what worked for me was doing exactly what people are suggesting on here.

Eg taking responsibility for myself and being proactive in how I felt and experienced life.

The bottom line is that, of the OP is currently not capable of doing so, then she really shouldn't be in a relationship.

Can you put your phone away for a few hours at a time and try to focus on doing other things? You might find after the first half an hour or so you forget about your phone and thus the compulsion to to text. Do that a few times throughout the day and the days will pass quickly enough if you aren't checking every 5 seconds for a message coming through.

You know this already but you are wanting to apologise in order to get reassurance. It's not because you are sorry and want to change (I mean, you do deep down, but that isn't what's causing the compulsion). You want him to respond and sh "that's okay, I love you" because it gives you a quick spike of serotonin, which is what is out of whack. But it's like a sugar spike, you come crashing down quickly enough and feel worse than you did before. You have to learn to cope with the dips and pangs - the ADs are there to try and smooth the ride, but you have to learn that false spikes (forced reassurance) actually isn't helping the way it feels it is at the time.

Thank you all I’m surprised at how kind you’ve all been! really appreciate it.
I think you’re right, @Keladrythesaviour i never thought of it like that. I apologise because I am deep down sorry but also because I want to hear that it’s okay, that he hasn’t changed his mind, because if he hasn’t said it for a while I worry 😭 it’s ridiculous really

We survived when there was no mobile phones or social media in the past

Some places there is still no connection

Life still goes on

I understand how you feel, OP. I’ve felt like this in the past and still do sometimes. Anxiety is an absolute arsehole & it can turn us into irrational, unreasonable people.
My boyfriend went away for 4 weeks and I was an absolute wreck. The only thing that ‘knocked some sense into me’ was my mum (she’s a fan of tough love) asking “would you rather cope with the anxiety of him being away OR would you rather cope with a breakup because your behaviour has pushed him away?”.

Try to keep yourself as busy as you can and do things you enjoy so that when we comes back you can both tell each other about the fun things you’ve done during the time he’s been away. I find that even just sitting and playing with new makeup products or styling my hair nicely takes my mind off my anxiety for a few hours.

If you feel like you need to message him constantly, write the messages out in your Notes app and read them back. You’ll probably realise how ‘needy’ you’d appear if you actually sent them to him and how you wouldn’t like to receive messages like that while you’re away trying to have fun.

I hope you’re not waiting too long for therapy. If you’re not already, I would maybe look into going down the medication route. There’s no shame in it, especially when it changes your life!

Best of luck & look after yourself 💐

Are you seriously still going on about this? The last thread melted my head, this one even more. I can't imagine how melted he is. It wouldn't surprise me if he changed his ticket to one way tbh.

Don't beat yourself too much OP. You're a perfect human being in your own way. Just take your time and try and control yourself. There's someone for you on the other side of the door who'll accept you for you are. You're not that controlling. Yust need a little help.

I’m not going to be cruel or accusatory because at the moment you can’t really control your anxieties. May I make a suggestion however? Can you timetable a contact time say every second day to have a text only catch up - no chatting no details just how are you? Fine type thing. It will give you something to look forward to and he won’t feel so on edge about having to check in? Making it regular but not daily will give him the break he will need (it’s draining on his side too) and it allows you to plan out things to fill your time when he’s away.

Now there is a danger of this process in that if you are sitting by the phone from 3pm for a 5pm text every day or two it’s not working. This only works when you busy yourself and find some fun in your alone time. You know you’ll get what you want (contact) but it’s not the focus of your day. You need to find things to fill your time and your mind or your behaviour will push your boyfriend towards the one thing you don’t want him to do, leave.

What an unnecessarily horrible response to someone who is clearly struggling with anxiety.

Dig a veg patch. Not even kidding. Find a bit of garden and dig away. Read up on what to plant, go to the garden centre. The exercise and fresh air will make you feel better and it's a nice little project to show him on his return! I always found digging or something strenuous helped my anxiety as I was too physically tired to be anxious by the end of it x

I also suffer from anxiety and depression, I have done for almost two decades. But as she was told in her last post many times, he's away for a 3 week holiday ffs, not away on a year long trip around the world.

You need to work on this, or he'll probably walk. Get outside. Do something every day that takes you away from the phone. Let him enjoy his holiday.

Brilliant suggestion (if Op has a garden). When my dad died I gardened my way through the grief. The garden had never looked so beautiful and I was so tired that I didn't need the sleeping tablets the doctor gave me.

Very gently, because I know you are suffering and trying really hard, you need to let go of 'being at ease'. It is the striving for this which keeps anxiety going. Feel the fear and do it anyway is a really good book on anxiety but unless you can accept that feeling uncomfortable at times is normal, you will stay stuck in your anxiety spiral. However bad it feels, you CAN cope, and you will be ok - it may not feel like it but no feeling lasts forever and you can get through it. The more you face your anxiety without trying to reduce or avoid it, the quicker it will decrease next time. Good luck.

Are you the poster who was on holiday with their boyfriend and was upset that he didn't sit next to you?

I totally get why you are catastrophising this - you are allowing a core belief that you are unlovable and will end up alone so intensively into your brain that you are reacting to it both directly and indirectly. But you really do need to back off and give your boyfriend some space now. If he's going to leave, he will leave regardless of what you do now - however, he's more likely to leave if you carry on seeking reassurance when he's provided it.

As other posters have advised, engage with lots of self care. If he wants to schedule certain times to speak, let him take the lead. Don't bombard with messages, or check up on him, as much as being 'casual' is going ti be hard after such a long time of being full on, you've almost got to fake it until you make it. Eventually you will be able to deal with the core belief that you cannot trust the intent of people, but until then you've just got to take that step back or end the relationship as it's not fair on either of you.

OP, please, please, please leave him alone to enjoy his holiday! Use these few short weeks to reach out to your own family, friends, mental health resources. You need your own network of support, your own interests. You'll drive him away with such suffocating dependence.