Feel pathetic - he’s gone on holiday

[ellsy99]

Been with boyfriend for a year. I posted already. I feel pathetic even writing this but I struggle with anxiety, I have OCD and struggle from trauma so am quite codependent and insecure.

My boyfriend is so lovely and he’s had a 3 week trip booked for years now with his friend, kept getting cancelled due to covid. He’s gone today and I’m so sad about it.

I’m so excited for him but it’s also been an awful few weeks. I’ve started new medication so I’ve been extra anxious, nit picking and always asking him questions. Like a self fulfilling prophecy lol. It’s got to the point where he told me it’s been hard, draining and taking up all his time. He’s reassured me to not worry, that everything will be ok, he’s happy and there are no issues, but I can tell he’s ever so slightly off and I’m now the more affectionate one because he used to be and now things aren’t quite the same. He said it’s just because it’s been hard and that he will be himself again soon.

He went yesterday and I’m trying to be okay but I haven’t heard from him. Even little things, he got to the airport and didn’t text me at all in the airport, even though he was delayed - usually he would as tbh he’s on his phone quite a lot, takes pictures and sends them to me etc but I didn’t hear anything from him.

I’m so worried I’ve ruined things and he will realise while he’s away. I feel so guilty about how I’ve been with him but I can’t talk about it because it’ll ruin his holiday and I want him to have a great time. Things don’t seem quite right and it’s going to be a seriously long 3 weeks especially as I won’t hear from him much due to the time difference

Are you receiving therapy for this because if you don't you will sabotage and ruin all of your relationships. I will be honest, I couldn't cope with this controlling behaviour if my dh did this to me. Relationships aren't meant to be hard work all of the time & this would make me want to leave. Please get some decent therapy so you can live a normal life.

I remember your last post, you need to give him space to enjoy his trip. Sitting at home for 3 weeks worrying wont do you any good. Can you get yourself out and about, dont just sit around having this in your head. You could text him to say hope he arrived safely.

I am on the waiting list for therapy and can’t afford private. I really am trying with self help books etc but nothing is working or making me feel at ease

Being so codependent it really unhealthy and a lot to expect of someone else. I would find it incredibly draining tbh.

Have you had much help dealing with your past trauma?

www.mind.org.uk/

I couldn’t cope with this sorry. You need to back off. I think you get a dip of anxiety with antidepressants when you start them. You feel worse before you feel better. I hope you start to feel better soon. Do you have anything planned to distract yourself from obsessing?

Oh gosh OP I think it’s not good to be so dependent on someone and could turn a lot of people off and be a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe whilst he’s away take the chance to fry and find other things/people to take support from

All that's happened is he hasn't texted you from the airport.

You need to work on finding ways to limit the impact of your anxiety on your boyfriend. It’s tough, but it’s your responsibility to manage.

And yeah I guess because we talk and text a looooot and he was always initiating it at the beginning when he was really into me and before we had problems. So I’m now worried I’ve put him off and I’m worried he won’t want to come back when He’s home even though he said it’s all okay

I think he deserves a break because you are demanding and needy because of your mental health problems.

You can't help being like that unless you have treatment that helps you cope and builds up your inner strength.

In the nicest possible way, it's utterly draining to be with someone anxious and needy and whilst he loves you he is enjoying lack of contact so he can unwind and have his thoughts to himself without having to cater for your needs.

Use this time not to get bogged down by feeling low and naval gazing but to try and get some positive energy around you by perhaps doing some things you wouldn't usually do by yourself.

Or be creative, achieving something or making something are huge self confidence boosters.

OP, I agree with others you need to work on some issues, but you know that. In the meantime you need to become a really good actress. Because while it's great to be authentic, sometimes revealing our real thoughts when they're unreasonable, is going to harm us.
You have entered a downward sprial here where your neediness has caused him to distance and your response is to cling tighter. This only ever goes one way unless you nip it in the bud and control yourself.
If you want to save this you need to act very differently. Try to wait for him to initiate contact and respond casually and lightly. Try to fill your time and tell him what you've been doing in an upbeat way. Nothing heavy, no displays of insecurity. Whatever he thinks at the moment, if you put a dampner on his trip by being needy, I think it will be the end. Try to relax and distract yourself. And good luck.

The onus shouldn't be on him to make you feel better. It's on you to sort yourself out.

I’m so sorry.
please try to give him his space. I hope you get into therapy soon

Keep trying things until you find something that sticks. You might have to be a bit creative and tailor your activities to your life and personality. For example, if i’m anxious and need to settle down and kill time I will listen to an interesting audiobook or podcast while playing some easy/mindless game on my phone like Tetris. It helps to distract and let your mind and body calm down a bit.

I know it’s tough but the reality is he probably does want space to enjoy his holiday especially as it’s been planned for so long.

Try and use this time to explore every option you can think of to distract yourself and keep calm. You need to learn to do this and while counselling can help, it won’t do these self-soothing activities for you - seeing a counsellor won’t magically make daily anxiety better unless you actually utilise helpful techniques every day and are disciplined about it. It’s highly unlikely a counsellor will be able to suggest any activity you haven’t heard of before for self-soothing so it’s on you to find what works and be strict about doing it. And don’t just say nothing is working, you have to keep at it so you can feel the impact over time.

In my experience, that’s the only way. You have to bring the focus back to yourself and what you’re doing every time not obsessing about what he is doing and how he feels.

On the plus side though, it's a real positive that you can identify how you're feeling and admit to it. You're actually pretty self-aware! Many people would do what you're doing but not know why.
Some counsellors will accept what you are able to pay. Why not look into that now?

In this three weeks, get out & start exercising - gym, running, walking - anything. Get a good book on the go. I suffer from this kind of anxiety and it really helps.

You need to take a big step back, let him enjoy his holiday. It’s amazing (in my extensive experience!) how leaving boyfriends to it, not texting, not answering their messages straight away - really works at drawing them closer to you.

You have three weeks to turn this around. I know you need therapy (I had it) and it does really help, but in the short term really steel yourself & get on with your own life - once you start seeing the results of pulling back from him it should spur you on!

I wasn’t expecting such kind responses. Thank you all so much ❤️

I definitely know I need help and god knows I’ve tried! Counselling didn’t work for me, I’m in the midst of my meds and I know I need to keep on trying. I keep getting intrusive thoughts and urges to apologise to my boyfriend over and over but I know I can’t

I remember your last post about this.

mean this very gently, because I know first hand how crippling anxiety can be. However, as others have said, you really do need to back off as otherwise there is a good chance you will drive him away.

A few years ago I was seeing a fella for a few months and I went away on a pre-arranged long weekend trip to Spain with my friends, something we do every year He pretended to be all cool with it, but made loads of passive aggressive snippy comments in the lead up. I did send a few text messages while I was away, and called, so he had no reason to be ‘off’ but on my return he said he’d had a dreadful weekend because I wasn’t with him. He moaned so much about how much he’d missed me, and how he’d been upset seeing my Facebook pictures. It was a very hefty nail in the coffin so to speak and I finished things shortly afterwards. I’m not saying that to worry you excessively but it was suffocating and a huge red flag from him.

Please try to take a step backwards here.

Sorry OP but you really need to back off before you sabotage the relationship. You’ve only been together a year and you’re already super codependent on him, as though he is your carer. You sound stifling. You need to learn to love yourself (you say you’re insecure) and do things by yourself, thereby increasing your independence. I have PTSD (not as bad now) and I didn’t get into a relationship until I was mostly recovered (still not fully but it doesn’t affect me day to day).

I posted on your last post. You really need to leave him to enjoy his trip otherwise you'll end up slithering him and he run a mile.

Look try and think about things the other way around.

You have been together a year, this holiday was going to happen whether he had met you or not. The endless disappointment if Covid restrictions and finally, finally he and his friend have found a window to go.

So in the lead up instead of building excitement he has had to constantly reassure you about your relationship.

He's just following a dream whilst he is young, whilst he can. Would you prefer he puts all his dreams off now and just concentrate on you and reassurance you? Because then he wouldn't be the person you love.

Yes it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what can you do about it?

Personally I would try to love him and his dreams. If he messages you "we did the Inca trail" or whatever it is he is doing you replies should "oh that sounds amazing I am so jealous hope you are both looking after each other can't wait for all the gory details when you get back. Take photos lots of photos X"

That sort of thing.

I am going to be really blunt here to try and help you but if I had had weeks of a needy one year partner just before I went away on a holiday that was booked long before them I would be so relieved to be away from them for 3 weeks. What would make it better though would be lovely response texts that didn't apologise, I am sure you have said sorry for being needy already so that last thing you need to do is more passive fishing for reassurance.

When, if, he texts just think about your response in what he needs right now not you.

Yes he might come back with an epiphany that he isn't the right guy for you and there is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is now in the future.

Worrying yourself ill about all this is not going to help or change the past.

Get out, exercise, spend these weeks as if you aren't together if nothing else just to prove you can. That should help you as well.

Don't text back drunk or upset, rushed or tired.
Wait until you feeling calm, happy, strong.

Not sure what else to advise.
But you will be ok regardless.

I used to be exactly the same as you. I would push all my relationships to the brink of separation and I'd struggle to eat and stuff.

The best thing that ever happened to me (hand on heart) was being dumped by who I thought, at the time, was the love of my life.
I was on my own for 5 years and in that time I found out who I was, what I expected in a relationship and wasn't even arsed about having one or about having kids. I was early 20s when we split and I then met my DH 5 years later at age 27.

In those 5 years I had an absolutely amazing time with my friends, I got confident, I realised I didn't need someone else to make me happy. I was ruthless with men to be honest. I'd been treated like shit so many times as soon as someone started being a knob they'd be gotten rid of asap.

Now I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in because I did the work on myself.
Yes I still struggle with anxiety but it's not about my relationship and my DH is super supportive and helps me if I start to spiral.

You are absolutely going to ruin things unless you chill out! En don't like needy women. Don't pester him, let him enjoy his holiday. Occupy yourself with things to do, you can't go on in life being codependant on others, especially men! And remember absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Brilliant advice frozendaisy

OP you need to get out of the inside of your head and become your own person again: that will be what your partner wants, you, not a needy/ clingy shadow of you.