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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

214 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 19:01

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again Hmm

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

OP posts:
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AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 19:07

I will 😊 I'm nine days in, no contact and it's killing me.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 19:11

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur sorry you have to join this type of club, but glad you're here. NC is awful isn't it, I keep looking at my phone hoping to here from him even though I know it's for the best that I don't! Are you keeping busy?

OP posts:
AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 19:16

It's horrendous going from messaging all day to just nothing. I hate my phone for being so quiet. I deleted our WhatsApp thread on Tuesday which has helped so I don't see him popping up online but I also miss that last little link so much, we're not on each other SM and he lives nearly an hour away so I have no connection to him whatsoever. Trying to keep busy and doing all the 'right' things but sometimes I feel like it's getting worse, not better.

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 19:17

That was so self indulgent, sorry!

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 19:31

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur absolutely not! I feel your pain (literally). Have removed and blocked my ex on all SM too as I was becoming obsessed at seeing when he was online and what he was posting. You've done the right thing by removing him from line of sight! We just have to stay strong

OP posts:
AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 19:40

I wish I could be angry with him and that he'd done something wrong but he hasn't, it was my suggestion to end it (and he didn't exactly fight against it) and he said about being really good friends and he'd get in touch... nothing. Makes you doubt the whole relationship doesn't it? Where does all that passion go? Is it really possible he's not feeling anything like I am? I don't think I will ever see him again and I can't bear it, it takes my breath away. I accidentally deleted all my pics of him today and nearly threw up in panic (managed to recover them) I feel like a ridiculous teenager but I'm sinking.

SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 19:40

Can I join please?

Im embarrassed by how many times we’ve broken up and got back together, it is a weekly occurrence and it’s always because of him; I do something he doesn’t like and I get the silent treatment.

Sucks doesn’t it?

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 19:51

SophieSoSo, do you think this is it now?

SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 19:57

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur yea, it has to be.

It affects my mental health, we’re in a horrible cycle of abuse and I can’t take it anymore.

I miss him so much it physically hurts but I have to find a way through to the other side, I can’t live like this anymore.

From talking all day every day to nothing hurts, I’ve blocked him and deleted our conversations because I keep re-reading them, and at least with him blocked I know I won’t hear from him rather than my heart leaping every time my phone beeps.

Cdw2m · 21/04/2022 20:00

Broke up with my partner of over a year yesterday

I thought I'd found 'the one' after a horribly abusive marriage (after which I took 2 years out being single to heal and work on my confidence, self esteem and to build my life back up)

Let him meet my children and they bonded with him.

I ended it (he was perfect for me in so many ways but there was one big issue he wouldn't resolve so, after much trying and hoping, I threw in the towel)

Hurts like hell

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 20:03

It's awful isn't it, I kept on re-reading all the time, all the lovely messages and jokes...and it would show when he was online, couldn't handle that because I began to anticipate the incoming messages that never happened. He's massively depressed (apparently - I'm beginning to think this was all a cover) and struggling with pressures of life, maintaining contact etc and said he felt like he was constantly letting me down and I deserved more than he could offer right now. But he was CONSTANTLY on WhatsApp so clearly no problem staying in touch with others eh?

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 20:05

@Cdw2m oh that's heartbreaking. This guy was the first r'ship after an abusive one, it's like getting to the light at the end of the tunnel then it's suddenly snuffed out . No happy ending.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 20:15

@SophieSoSo it's such a horrible time but I hope you take comfort in knowing we're here if you need to talk or vent etc. the worst part is the radio silence, it's like you don't want to hear from them for your own sanity, but also you want to hear from them because of the attachment you have. I still expect my ex to text me but who am I kidding, he lost interest weeks ago. I'm beginning to think there was someone else and probably they are already together as he seems to be finding this breakup extremely easy! Makes me not want to go into a relationship again reading some of the things people put on here! We'll get through this together!

OP posts:
smurfmonkey · 21/04/2022 20:20

Hey... joining in too for some moral support. There have been a few break up posts lately, seems like more than usual but then I'm probably looking out for them more now 🙁

I'm a week and a half in but can't cut contact yet as we're still living in the same house. He's moved on and it bloody hurts because I haven't and I have to see him most days.

Plus he put a new profile picture on his SM today and someone commented how happy he looks 😭

Blossom12345 · 21/04/2022 20:21

Hi ladies - I fear I'll be joining your club soon (not my choice - partner with horrendous depression currently saying he doesn't know if he's in love after 8 years, he's unsure if it's the depression masking his feels or genuinely fallen out of love). So I hope you don't mind me jumping on your thread when technically I am supposedly still with my partner.

BUT what I did want to say, what's helped me when I've given him space is plenty of Taylor Swift (honestly!) especially her Folklore album. And plenty of Kardashians! I know it's trash but there's 20 seasons on Amazon and it's good background nothingness. The worst is seeing their face pop up on Whatsapp isn't it, or when your phone (or apple watch) beeps and your heart misses a beat thinking it's them but it's just a generic notification. I sometimes find putting my phone on aeroplane mode helps because I know I won't be expecting anything. But I 'archived' our chats on Whatsapp so I know they're there if I need them, but I have to go into a different folder.

Stay strong ladies. Just as sure as the sun sets, it always rises x

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 20:24

@smurfmonkey that sounds like a very difficult position to be in. Are you selling the house? Or is someone moving out?

The SM profile change I can sympathise with. That's how I knew my ex was going to end things, he changed his profile first before even telling me it was over and a friend messaged me to ask what was going on. How immature but then I expect nothing less. We'll get through this together all of us!

OP posts:
SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 20:27

Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 20:15

@SophieSoSo it's such a horrible time but I hope you take comfort in knowing we're here if you need to talk or vent etc. the worst part is the radio silence, it's like you don't want to hear from them for your own sanity, but also you want to hear from them because of the attachment you have. I still expect my ex to text me but who am I kidding, he lost interest weeks ago. I'm beginning to think there was someone else and probably they are already together as he seems to be finding this breakup extremely easy! Makes me not want to go into a relationship again reading some of the things people put on here! We'll get through this together!

Yes we will 😊

Whenever this happened before I’d be checking his social media constantly, he’s the type to move on quickly too, but I’m not doing it to myself anymore.

I pity the next woman he ends up with, he won’t change.

Ive got that horrible anxious feeling in my stomach but I’ve forced some food down and I’m trying to make some nice plans for the summer!

Its nice to have this thread although I’m sorry we’re all going through it x

SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 20:28

Blossom12345 · 21/04/2022 20:21

Hi ladies - I fear I'll be joining your club soon (not my choice - partner with horrendous depression currently saying he doesn't know if he's in love after 8 years, he's unsure if it's the depression masking his feels or genuinely fallen out of love). So I hope you don't mind me jumping on your thread when technically I am supposedly still with my partner.

BUT what I did want to say, what's helped me when I've given him space is plenty of Taylor Swift (honestly!) especially her Folklore album. And plenty of Kardashians! I know it's trash but there's 20 seasons on Amazon and it's good background nothingness. The worst is seeing their face pop up on Whatsapp isn't it, or when your phone (or apple watch) beeps and your heart misses a beat thinking it's them but it's just a generic notification. I sometimes find putting my phone on aeroplane mode helps because I know I won't be expecting anything. But I 'archived' our chats on Whatsapp so I know they're there if I need them, but I have to go into a different folder.

Stay strong ladies. Just as sure as the sun sets, it always rises x

I like that last line, I’ve written it in my notes - I’ve made a list of all the things he did to me, and a separate motivational list with positive things so it’s going in there.

8 years is a long time, I think I read your post. It must be heartbreaking but it’s better to go through this pain once than to live it over and over again x

SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 20:30

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur there could still be a very happy ending out there for you.

Youve been through a lot, you were strong enough to leave your previous relationship and build yourself back up, you’ll get through this. One day at a time, we are all with you x

smurfmonkey · 21/04/2022 20:32

@Blossom12345 I didn't know you could archive chats, thank you for that! I don't know if I can bring myself to do it yet but I think that will be on my to do list. Yes it sucks seeing his face pop up on WhatsApp, with his new bloody happy face.

@Herewegoagain22 thankfully it's my house, so he'll be moving out. I feel awful making him homeless but I can't live like this forever. Maybe if we both felt nothing it would be fine, I suppose we were practically living like flatmates anyway but I still desperately loved him. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same.

If anyone on here feels low, please DM me if there's stuff you don't want to put online. It's helping me get stuff off my chest but it's also just nice having someone else to chat with cos it's bloody lonely right now!

namechangedlikeeveryone · 21/04/2022 20:42

Can I join in? It’s actually just the end of a fling but I’m really shaken by how upset I am.

i’m so sorry to all of you going through it - it really is so bloody painful.

SophieSoSo · 21/04/2022 20:44

@namechangedlikeeveryone of course you can!

Ill put the kettle on 😊

Cdw2m · 21/04/2022 20:45

@smurfmonkey similar happened èith me and my ex husband. It was horrible (especially when he moved on and it was all over social media)
It gets better i promise it does and you will look back at this point and realise what a lucky escape you've had. Stay strong x

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur exactly that! You've put into words the jumble in my head, so helpful, thank you x

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 21/04/2022 20:46

I'm struggling with some music as I find it so evocative and triggering but I am rediscovering alanis morisette and skunk anansie, can highly recommend for car singing/screaming 😊

smurfmonkey · 21/04/2022 20:50

@Cdw2m thank you. You sound like you have your screwed on now after going through so much. It's very brave to make the decision to end things when you know it's not right. I don't blame my ex for ending it but it's so hurtful when they just seem to move on so quickly.

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur I've really struggled listening to anything in the car, I've switched the radio off at the moment. I like a bit of angry rock and metal though so when I feel back in the mood, I will be cranking it up!