Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

I’m annoyed now
as a PP said I’m late 40s , single mum and and handling (or not handling !) an sen child

yet all my focus and thought has been in this fucking man for months now
I started OLD as a distraction but now it’s An obsession !!!

Ive realised I’ll never get the completion
in that I know it’s not working for me but won’t get to hear why it didn’t work for him

I need to get my head around why I get so obsessed and what’s the gap
sex yeah sure , but something emotional also

sending 🎈🎈🔋🔋 to us all

I’m glad and sad it’s not just me

im having a date tomorrow night all being well

nut sure if this is a terrible idea or not

Just joining in, although my breakup was 7 months ago, we spent 4 months in daily contact (we have a DS) and although never asked to go back, it was hard to extract myself from it.

Still having a lot of unwelcome thoughts and doubts about my decision, despite it being absolutely for the best. He met someone new in January and has accelerated their relationship at the speed of light (introducing her to my DS a month ago, having sleepovers at her house with my DS, probably moving in imminently).

The relationship was hideously toxic and borderline abusive and I made so many mistakes that I can't seem to forgive myself for. But he's continuing to be an absolute arsehole since, rallying everyone to call me abusive, calling the police on me for things he's done and threatening social services. I knew he wasn't always a nice person but the depths he's gone to since we split and he met his girlfriend is awful.

Hey @PollyDarton1 that sounds awful, it sounds like you absolutely made the right decision. It must be difficult sharing a child though as you can never break contact with them completely 🙁

I've booked myself a phone counselling session through work for tomorrow, not sure what I want to get from it but will give it a go.

We had another uncomfortable conversation this morning where we keep throwing blame at each other. It's not healthy and isn't making either of us feel better. He's leaving on Thurs for a week to look at flats, I don't want him to leave but it'll be best for us both in the long run when he finds somewhere.

I'm now trying to get myself sorted for the weekend to keep me busy, I used to look forward to all the bank holidays at this time of year, now I dread them.

Please can I join my ex cheated on me after 18 years been single for almost 3 years and had to move back in with my parents FFS I left the house for my 2 daughters to have

It absolutely was the best decision, although now I'm single I'm doing the typical thing of wondering whether it was that bad and whether I was just over estimating it in my head. Typically as he seems to have moved on no problem. Oddly enough when things were good they were very good and we rubbed along fine, and I do miss him and that bond we had, which I can't seem to recreate or find with anyone else.

I think just go into the call and be led by them, they will know what questions to ask and what they want to know - I'm doing counselling at the moment too and it has helped to have that space in which to speak freely.

I know what you mean - I have some weekends free when my ex has my DS and although I am appreciative of the free time, it's also time in which I spend thinking and beating myself up for all the mistakes I've made.

PollyDarton1
jesus . My ex was abusive but after 20 years and seeing the impact he was having in my son I managed to walk away with actually no qualms

i find it very ironic he has managed To move on and , still be totally vindictive (your ex)
I bet he’s a delight for the new girlfriend
im sure he rants about you to her and she has to grit her teeth

i keep diaries , having their awful behaviour written in black and white helps solidify the decision

It's a tough one, as there are lots of ways my ex wasn't abusive and I wasn't the easiest person (mental health) so it's six of one and half a dozen of the other kind of situation. However, on reflection, either way he wasn't the right person for me. Maybe that is what makes it hard, because he could be the person I needed sometimes, but a lot of the time he wasn't. I was certainly trauma bonded, whichever way I look at it. It should have been easy to leave after he screamed abuse at my child for accidentally breaking the TV really, but deep down I know his issues come from a place of deep psychological wounding rather than malice if that makes sense?

Hah yeah, it's a weird one. He's fully smeared me to her (although some of my post break behaviour has been a bit erratic and emotional) and she's fully on board with it all, and dare I say, fuelling a lot of it. She's posted on her IG about how they've both escaped abusive exes (meaning me) and sent me threatening messages on social media telling me I'm a liar etc and how "they" stand in solidarity with my ex. Bizarrely he did the same thing with me and his ex before me - smeared her to me, so it's a pervasive pattern with him to come across as the "victim".

I’m sorry but he sounds like a total dick

as Mental health or not , you’d not behave like that ! would you ! NO

and he’s clearly caught another charmer
i mean who would Do that ? An idiot who’s gone from one abusive relationship into another

really well rid

And here’s what the ex I’m moaning about did

• seemed to obsessively hate his ex , and she blocked him on kids phones (why ?)
• wouldnt Do anything sensible to address it ( such as mediation )
• got very twisted When his ex got pregnant
• was always making me do the running, even drive him home and picked him up
• was very low and felt my problems were nothing compared to his
• was quite rigid and controlling
• was pretty horrible to me when he was in a bad way

and yet I’m pining after him why exactly

Sounds familiar…my ex also has lots of pressure at work and trying to get himself sorted and yaddieyadda…he also says I deserve more than he can give right now. This is the new “it’s not you, it’s me” …

Feeling numb today. Some more brief messages exchanged, friendly but I definitely get the impression he's not exactly pining for me. It's actually helping, the reality opposed to the fantasy in my head. I hate this so much.

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur i
agree i can’t decide if messages are good or not. I think it’s possibly easier than total NC but perhaps it’s a longer process to get over them. But as you say it can also help you really understand that they don’t miss you in the same way. And possibly we need to hear that in order to believe it

I deleted his number so I couldn’t message/ then I found it on n emergency contact race bib - decided it was meant to be so I messaged him. He did reply once, but then not again.
had to delete number again as was already checking WA to see when he was online 🤦‍♀️

Hello. Can I join? I really need some friendly words. I ended my 3 years relationship last Friday and I'm feeling really lost. My relationship wasn't perfect, some psychological and emotional abuse but we were very close to each other. We already shared a house and had 3 cats. The hardest thing is knowing he's okay, while I cry everyday and miss him. In addition to missing my cats. I feel very alone. Will this pain ever go away?

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur

i challenge you , and everyone ! to write down (not necessarily here ) the reasons why it ended
he reasons why in your stomach you knew it wouldn’t work out
it helps a bit

i also need to put my phone away
as it reminds me of him

Welcome @Theresavi sorry you've had to join us.

The pain will go, we're still trying to find someone who can tell us when though!

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've started a list of all his bad points, it's pretty long 😕

I have a list on my phone - it's long too 🙃 Every time you're tempted to reach out check the list first!

My therapist suggested writing angry letters with lots of swearing (ok i added that bit) and then setting them on fire. Strangely compelling and cathartic 🔥 🔥

I've done the whole letter writing and ripping it up thing, although not for a good many years. That's also cathartic.

At the moment I just swear a lot and stick two fingers up in his general direction when he can't see me. Childish, but it helps!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will make that list too, maybe it will help me. Why do we miss someone we know has hurt us? When Im sad I start to think about all the bad things he has done and my heart gets calm but minutes later I miss him. Such a rollercoaster of feelings.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through here. It must be very painful 💔 I'm in a similar situation and find it so odd that on the one hand I absolutely know it's the right decision, at the same time I question endlessly if it could still possibly work because I maybe still love him. Like he's a total fucking prick so why wouldn't I?

The behaviour your ex is subjecting to you now is horrendous. Classic narc tactics of smear campaigns and projection. Do you have good support with all of that? It sounds disruptive and traumatic.

@smurfmonkey I did the 2 fingers behind the back thing for a few solid and enjoyable months. Until one of my kids saw me and ratted me out. Not my finest moment..

Hello everyone…Theresavi , why is he keeping all the cats? We are all here trying to move on from a breakup but really take each day at a time and give yourself some self care and love. Pollydarton, what a horrid time you are having. I hope DS is safe and you get to resume normal life as a mum. Guys move really fast to another relationship and go full blast on it. As if their life depended on it. We ladies, take our time, and try not to make the same mistakes I think…

It's a weird one isn't it. I guess because I was told for so long that if I was just "less anxious" or "more motivated" or "less overweight" then he would be nicer to me, it makes me question myself that if I'd done those things would it have been OK? But the reality is, I shouldn't have to do those things to get respect and love. I don't want him back, but there is a part of me that wants him to want me after the rejection I've felt for so long, even though I left him.

He feels justified in what he is doing, and I think his girlfriend is encouraging it too, but even the police have said it's ridiculous and they see straight through it. I have a counsellor, my family and friends and I'm speaking to Victim Support on a fortnightly basis, which hopefully should help. It doesn't help that the people I thought were my friends (such as his ex, who I always had a good relationship with) have taken his side. I understand his family and his girlfriend because they've been fed bullshit for years (even though his Mum always said he was abusive, now I'm manipulative and controlling) but I always got on well with his eldest's mother, but I guess she can't really show any commitment to me. Some of his friends have said to me that they know there are two sides to every story, but he's also fed them bullshit too about me. It's learning to come to peace with the fact he's smeared me continually for years I guess.

Sending you love, @Theresavi , that sounds really difficult and I fully empathise. Could you have the cats? I had to rehome my 2 when me and my ex split as I couldn't take them into my new property and I miss them so much too, so I totally get where you are coming from.

It's very early days for you, even though that sounds trite. I recommend like others have said, writing down all the reasons why you ended it, and the negative aspects of either him or the relationship. You made a decision based on what is best for you, and although you will feel sometimes like it wasn't the best decision or if you could have done more, the reality of it is that you shouldn't have to do more. You should be accepted as you are.

I promise the pain does lessen. It's not a linear path and there will be many bumps in the road but you will heal. Have a look about trauma bonding - I'm not saying it's a definite in your case but with abusive relationships there is often a chance of you being trauma bonded to the other person.

@PollyDarton1 sounds familiar. My stress was the problem (never mind what was causing it!) Listen you're spot on about the smear campaign 👌 Most people will see it for what it is. And for those who don't- they just aren't worth your time or energy. Easier said than done I know, but sounds like you're nailing it!!