Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

Oh aye, he continually blamed me for my mental health causing his reaction, without realising he was actually making my mental health x 10 worse. I wish I could say I was nailing it, but I've made so many emotive mistakes and he's taken every one of them and manipulated them to sound abusive. For instance, when he nearly split with his girlfriend (a month before introducing her to my son) he was struggling mentally and came to me for support, and I was worried about him because he was erratic and vulnerable (his own words) - I was probably a bit too full on but I was concerned. Then when he got back with his girlfriend he completely shut me out, after spending the weekend telling me I was always his family and talking about our past. Because I was (and am) trauma bonded to him I wanted to help, almost felt responsible for it - but he has decreed I was no longer worth speaking to and doubled down confusing me. Ever since then, it's just been accusation after accusation, malicious police reports, threats about social services etc - even though he's the one introducing someone he barely knew to my son and getting him to sleepover there after meeting her twice

It's interesting that I spend a lot of my time beating myself up for my mistakes and worrying I was the abusive one, whereas he's fully exonerated himself

Does anyone else feel like every movement is a struggle? I can’t seem to do anything. The pain of missing him is just unbearable. It’s like it’s paralysed me. Weird.

@Theonlywayisup11 me 😔 I can’t do anything. I miss him so much 😞

@merl20 im so sorry you’re feeling like this too. I would take any physical pain over this!!

Aw sorry to hear of all the pain. It's horrible 😞 There are a lot of empaths here. Self love 💘 Self care ❤ One day at a time and all that...Hope y'all get some rest.

Sending love and peaceful thoughts to everyone today.

I had feelings like that @Theonlywayisup11 @merl20 and it does pass. I found writing a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship really helped. And definitely look into counselling if you feel really sideswiped by it, or lean on good friends, family (and us!).

I have decided to go NC and get on with my life. Life is too short to spend moping about. I’ve come into the office as working from home is too quiet. I’m going to do all the things I enjoy until I feel better. I did not come this far to only come this far!! 💪🏼

@Theonlywayisup11 …I have been there on and off for 6 years. Overtime the pain got less intense, I have to admit. But I remember walking in the street in total disconnection with my body as I felt so much pain. Heartache is a terrible thing and we are very unprepared for it. It does help to talk to people and see the relationship from a different optic. @merl20 , same message I want to share with you. I think we need time and dating other people if we want to, or just take a break and enjoy with friends and family. Life is too short

I think what hurts more is to think that they are so ok. I know that’s very unlikely to be the case. For example mine messaged something trivial after just one morning of not being in contact, it could be that he really did need that info from me, or that he just wanted to communicate, yet he doesn’t say anything with any substance. It’s just so confusing. I’m very straightforward, if I’m hurting I’ll say, if I’m happy I’ll say etc, I don’t see why men seem to find being open and honest so hard. Surely life is easier if you just say what you feel?

I think men are like this. He does not want to discuss deeper matters…and get into a pickle. Better to talk trivia and check on you I think. What I dread the most is to see my ex on the same app I am using…that will happen no doubt. How would you all feel about this?

I’ll be absolutely devastated when I see/hear he is dating or with someone else

@Theonlywayisup11 …how long have you been dating your ex?

@Mila14 10 years

@Theonlywayisup11 …I totally empathise. It’s a long time. Do you think he is still in love? Sometimes there’s a way for these things to resolve themselves but if this is completely definitive, it’s imperative that you need to live again and enjoy life without him . I know this is really difficult. I still think about my ex everyday, even if it’s a fleeting thought. We just need to be extra kind to ourselves.

My ex has moved on to someone else, well he moved on before we split up... that's what I find hardest. It would be much easier just to know he didn't love me anymore, ok fine, it happens. But to know he's with someone else now, I keep comparing myself to her, I know what she looks like and that she's younger.

It's making me feel inadequate and a little bitter and I really don't want to be bitter or angry about it. It won't make me feel any better.

Part of me just wants to move on to someone else to try and find some self worth, but I know that's a bad idea at the moment.

@Mila14 he tells me everyday that he is. He tells me that he misses me. But he also says he wants to work through his issues alone.

Hi, can I join please?

Very intense thing end of March. He love bombed me, told me I was perfect and amazing & wonderful. But was still texting women from dating app, claiming they were friends. I got dropped on one occasion. Had 2 arguments over text. I asked to speak in person but it escalated & it has ended.

He unblocked me & I asked to meet to talk & he says it would just be to say goodbye.

Im left thinking wtf, just a few days ago he was asking how he can support me & how to nurture our relationship & how to take care of me - could I teach him? And when I did, he didn’t listen.

It’s so frustrating. He’s told me he can’t sleep and thinking about me constantly. Wtf wtf wtf. I’m left feeling like the evil demon.

Hello everyone. Sorry been a bit MIA. Been doing lots of exercising and seeing friends. Started to feel better. Came home to a message from my friend to show me that my ex is now seeing someone new (it's not even been 2 weeks). Can't say I am surprised, it appears to be someone he was texting when we were together, the famous 'you don't need to worry about her' quote. My stomach sank when I saw it, but tbh, now I don't even mind so much, it's closure and it shows me just how much of a dick he actually is. Good luck to her as he is extremely hard work!

@Herewegoagain22 glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and that you have some closure.

I'm also trying to get into the 'good luck dealing with him' model of thinking!

Hi @Storystreamer he sounds a right headfuck, I think you've had a lucky escape there! It might not feel like it right now though, obviously!

The “good luck dealing with him” approach is a good one. It’s hard for me to think I have had a luck escape @smurfmonkey . Maybe next week things will resolve? It feels unfinished.

@Herewegoagain22 you’re doing so well - wow, only 2 weeks! Seeing people & exercising are great distractors. Have decided to stay distracted as much as poss & have a few things on this w/e that will help…

My confession time. We met yesterday. We just talked about work and everything and I ended in his arms. We just hugged and kissed and a little more. But that was it, I just run away. But later I couldn’t help and wrote him that I liked that, he replied that it was really good.
I am literally losing my mind. We are so good together, time stops when we are together, we just stare eachother eyes, why he can’t see it?! 💔
And I feel like shtt today.

@merl20 …this is difficult to understand. How long have you been dating him? It looks like you, @Storystreamer and @Theonlywayisup11 are or have been in similar circumstances. We meet the ex, he tells us that he still loves us, but needs to work at his issues and blah blah. He blows hot and cold but when we are together we melt and stare at each other. The issue here is they may love us but we aren’t compatible with the rest of his life or they just don’t see us as the one meaningful steady relationship they want or can commit too.They may not have the push or the courage to fight for our relationship and we need to accept it and move on. Otherwise we stay in limbo for yonks and we have a life to live too. The problem is he has not fully ditched us and we keep coming back. We are in a vicious circle that only gets cut when he properly moves to his next girlfriend. In the meantime, we suffer, half live and suffer self esteem issues.

I am going to be frank here. I will see my ex this week and retrieve keys of my place he still has. We need to agree we can’t be “friends” because it ends up the way it does.
I am seeing iron I got talking to and looks uncomplicated and nice. I am determined to date and move on and shall be reporting here

Theonlywayisup11

agree . I’ve realised that I went into dating partly because I’m lonely and bored . I wfh as my son school refuses . So I’ve gone from being in the office 5 days a week to not seeing any adults at all !
what are the unmet needs that this ex fling gave me
and how can I meet them elsewhere ?

i do have some dates lined up but im
not bothered 😕
I’ve also Now accepted that’s I’ve been totally ghosted , and that’s what it is
I know he liked me a lot at the time

Hi, can I join in? My 4 year relationship just ended last night. I need to go NC because otherwise I know we'll end up back together and just going round in circles. Ultimately we want different things...we're engaged and were meant to be moving in together but she has done a uturn on that and wants to get her own place (she lives with her parents atm). I have no problem with that in theory but she refuses to discuss how our relationship fits into her plans. I'm absolutely devastated and even more so for my children who adore her.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I totally get your heart not being into dating right now. I didn’t understand why you are wfh now? In a way it’s better that he disappears… as I wrote in the post before, some of us are maintained in limbo with the “ I miss you” and “ I love you” but really we are not in a steady relationship. In a way it’s better he disappears all together. Take your time or just go OLD as much as you want. Whatever works for you and helps you to soothe the void and does not harm you in any way is ok