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Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

214 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 19:01

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again Hmm

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Mila14 · 30/04/2022 09:33

Taleas0ldastime · 30/04/2022 09:19

Hi, can I join in? My 4 year relationship just ended last night. I need to go NC because otherwise I know we'll end up back together and just going round in circles. Ultimately we want different things...we're engaged and were meant to be moving in together but she has done a uturn on that and wants to get her own place (she lives with her parents atm). I have no problem with that in theory but she refuses to discuss how our relationship fits into her plans. I'm absolutely devastated and even more so for my children who adore her.

@Taleas0ldastime …welcome and so sorry you are having a tough time. The kids issue is especially hard. My kids also liked my ex a lot. But I do understand if you have been living with your parents you need to have a bit of your own space and place before moving with someone else. Perhaps she needs to see herself sorted a bit and then date you normally but from her independent place. I feel you can give her a bit of room to get her place together and you then keep dating as you have now. Perhaps you need to talk to her and tell her you feel insecure about her moving to her place and not with you but that you can see she may need to be in her own home and date without home dependence on you? Best of luck

Taleas0ldastime · 30/04/2022 10:31

@Mila14 she definitely needs to live alone for a while but she's refusing to discuss how the relationship fits into her plans for the future at all. I kind of think i may have just been convenient for her while she was living at home but now she's moving out she wants to be a bit more free to do her own thing if that makes sense? We've been planning a wedding and now she's saying she's not sure its what she wants. I just feel that after 4 years I want a bit more commitment I suppose. She's been talking to my daughters about the wedding and getting them all excited and now she's backtracking. How do you explain that to a 6 year old?

Mila14 · 30/04/2022 12:36

Taleas0ldastime · 30/04/2022 10:31

@Mila14 she definitely needs to live alone for a while but she's refusing to discuss how the relationship fits into her plans for the future at all. I kind of think i may have just been convenient for her while she was living at home but now she's moving out she wants to be a bit more free to do her own thing if that makes sense? We've been planning a wedding and now she's saying she's not sure its what she wants. I just feel that after 4 years I want a bit more commitment I suppose. She's been talking to my daughters about the wedding and getting them all excited and now she's backtracking. How do you explain that to a 6 year old?

@Taleas0ldastime Wow…when you mentioned your daughters my skin crawled. That’s not right. You really need to sit down with her and understand whether she has misled you or she is in love with you. You definitely need some clarity and after 4 years and sharing your daughters with her it’s the least you can ask for. You don’t discuss wedding without some kind of commitment idea. She needs to be clear and not string you alone though. I feel for you and your kids. You need a conversation and lay all bare on the table. Even if it hurts. Best wishes

Hlr37 · 30/04/2022 18:12

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FlibbertyGibbitt · 01/05/2022 09:32

I hate, hate, hate this. I want to fast forward months until I’m in a better place. Just hate it. One hand I want to jump into OLD 😱 then know I need heal myself, sounds so corny but true.

Cried again today and it’s been a few weeks now ☹️

smurfmonkey · 01/05/2022 09:48

I am absolutely the same, I had too much wine last night, got upset and stupidly text him. I've deleted it so don't think he's seen it. It was just self pitying rubbish.

I feel like I need to fill that void but I know its too early to be looking for someone else.

Hlr37 · 01/05/2022 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SophieSoSo · 01/05/2022 11:00

I’m east mids x

smurfmonkey · 01/05/2022 11:34

I'm East Midlands too Smile

Mila14 · 01/05/2022 12:01

Lots of breakups but we are all going to move on eventually. I feel a bit stronger everyday and have a OLD lined up. When I get sad I remember how I do not want to live again. In my case there were negatives that are more evident as time goes by. A relationship that makes you suffer is unsustainable and it will only get worse as we age. Think…perhaps we dodged a massive bullet…I was crazy in love and the first times we broke up I thought the pain was indescribable, we would go back together and break up again, etc…I wonder if that feeling of someone being so hard to keep has added to the romantic sense of it all. I think love should be easier and more generous…

SophieSoSo · 01/05/2022 12:04

smurfmonkey · 01/05/2022 11:34

I'm East Midlands too Smile

Shall we go and get drunk and slash their tyres?! 😬

FlibbertyGibbitt · 01/05/2022 12:36

I’m in the East Mids too…. Must be catching !!!

Hlr37 · 01/05/2022 12:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mila14 · 01/05/2022 13:49

Mila14 · 01/05/2022 12:01

Lots of breakups but we are all going to move on eventually. I feel a bit stronger everyday and have a OLD lined up. When I get sad I remember how I do not want to live again. In my case there were negatives that are more evident as time goes by. A relationship that makes you suffer is unsustainable and it will only get worse as we age. Think…perhaps we dodged a massive bullet…I was crazy in love and the first times we broke up I thought the pain was indescribable, we would go back together and break up again, etc…I wonder if that feeling of someone being so hard to keep has added to the romantic sense of it all. I think love should be easier and more generous…

I meant how I do not want to live like again…fat thumbs… life is wonderful and there’s good stuff to enjoy now and in the future for all of us when we manage to overcome the heartbreak completely

smurfmonkey · 01/05/2022 15:20

SophieSoSo · 01/05/2022 12:04

Shall we go and get drunk and slash their tyres?! 😬

Show quote history

Don't tempt me!!

It seems I didn't do a good job of deleting my drunken texts last night and I'm now getting cold responses via text. This was a theme in the relationship, I absolutely know this isn't healthy but it still hurts.

@Mila14 you speak sense, we just need to make ourselves believe it.

Storystreamer · 01/05/2022 16:12

Same here, too much texting too fast & he tried to discuss things that are better talked about in person. I can’t work out if he’s ultra sensitive or a dick. Maybe both. He didn’t give things a chance.

I’m close to you all. Maybe a meet up is in order!

I am trying to reprogramme - going to different places and looking forward to new events & just distracting myself…

SophieSoSo · 01/05/2022 20:08

I’d be up for a meet!

Also trying to distract myself - been out for a bit this afternoon which was nice, the weather is supposed to be good tomorrow so planning on pottering in the garden and having a lazy day.

Usually after a few drinks id be texting him to come over but I haven’t today and I have no urge too! I’ll probably be a mess again tomorrow but I’m taking today as a win x

Mila14 · 01/05/2022 21:22

@SophieSoSo …. It is a win. Well done you. Take each day as it cones and don’t be over critical of yourself. Pottering and lazy day sounds great

smurfmonkey · 01/05/2022 21:50

That is an absolute win @SophieSoSo and it doesn't matter if you are a mess again tomorrow!

Is anyone brave enough to organise a meet?

This is going to be a rough week for me as my ex will be moving out at the weekend. It's going to be for the best and will help me try and move on but bloody hell it hurts at the moment.

FloraMillie · 01/05/2022 23:02

Hi all can I join please! I'm now 5 months on from my husband of 13 years and absolute love of my life declaring we were done. There was an ow of course he'd been acting the fool with her for months (she was a client of our business) and when I eventually raised the issue I was crazy jealous paranoid etc wouldn't let him have any friends. When we split he told me she was nothing to do with it and it was all my fault but less than a month later they were in a relationship. I have lost everything, my home, marriage and business and he's just slotted her into my place. I still have to see him once a week and he behaves to me like he always has. It just messes with my head. I moved out properly a couple of weeks ago and I just miss him so much. When we split he said I didn't care about him. I wish I didn't as this would be so much easier. We were happy he's now rewriting history and saying he's been miserable for years. How on earth do you ever get over something like this. Anti -depressants help and people keep telling me how strong and dignified I'm being but I just feel broken inside. This week I'd take him back in a heartbeat (he seems pretty miserable for someone whose got everything he wanted) but I'd never trust him again. I trusted him 100% and I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again. I said to him I never thought you'd do this to me and he said he never thought he would either. I married for life and thought we'd get old and grey together. It just hurts so much that 17 years of love and loyalty apparently mean nothing in the face of a tart with an agenda. I feel like he's had the best years of my life (I'm 39 now) and thrown me on the scrap heap.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/05/2022 23:55

smurfmonkey
ouch
thats a tough week
I’m sending virtual strength yiur way

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/05/2022 00:00

FloraMillie

bloody Hell
you have been through the wringer

id be very angry if I was you
cold icy angry
he’s lied
denied lying and impacted your sanity
and used you being broken to manipulate his disgusting behaviour and get what he wants

total cunt

you are in your prime
honestly , anyone who behaves like this isn’t a good person
and in time you will see this

I’m sorry but he sounds like an awful man and the sooner you can see his bad points the sooner you can heal

there is a happy life after him I promise you xxx

Mila14 · 02/05/2022 07:37

Smurfmonkey…you are doing good. Stay strong

Floramillie…You are 39 and in the prime of your life. Once your partner is not in love he might stay together with you for old times sake, economy, fear…all sorts of reasons. It’s is a lot better he comes clean faster and goes his own way instead of dragging you through years of misery and cheating. You have a life ahead and plenty of time to rebuild your life. Take care of yourself and fight for whatever is yours in the joint business. Seek good advise regarding your assets please. One day at a time, you will feel better

Theonlywayisup11 · 02/05/2022 08:03

@FloraMillie i am so so sorry. I can only imagine how painful that must be. However, to echo what others have said, you’re only in your thirties! You have a whole life to live, one without someone who can’t take his vows seriously. I never understand people who go back on those vows, it really shows their character. It’s so easy for all of us to give advice to others when we are not emotionally involved, however you know that unless he came and showed real remorse and truly wanted to become a better man, then you will never be able to fully trust him again. A relationship cannot survive unless you have love, trust and commitment. Without all 3 of these things one side of the triangle will fall and the relationship will fail. Try and put your best foot forward, good exercise, good sleep, good diet, positive mindset. Cry your tears, feel your pain, then get back out there and live your life. Sending you all the support in the world x

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 02/05/2022 12:57

Sorry all, fell off the thread 😞
Nothing major going on here, lots of soul searching and over analysing. I've been reading about anxious attachment which is really chiming with me so in some ways that's progress, although I'm certainly not taking the blame for how this ended. I'm trying so hard to see him as the bad guy, especially considering his absolute discarding of me but I'm in a strange stage where I am still oh so unhappy but listless and a bit numb. I miss him. I'm back on the AD's so hoping this will help in a few weeks when they settle. I'm just so flat and tired and sad. It feels like this is how I'm going to be forever which I know is not true but it's so hard to picture.

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