Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

@smurfmonkey yep I'm pretty much on rage against the machine and slayer! Anything remotely mentioning love....switched off immediately before the tears come. I'm almost embarrassed at myself tbh.

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur don't be embarrassed, it all bloody sucks. I've burst into tears in the car more than once this week just thinking over stuff. I just drive fast so no one can see me (joke!!!).

Oh god the tears… I’m constantly on the verge of them. Nightmare!

It's costing me a fortune in mascara 😂

Hey ladies, can I join?

It’s been 4 weeks for me getting out of a 15 year relationship and even though I know it’s the right thing to do as it was toxic and abusive at times, I’m really struggling😥

@smurfmonkey oh my gosh I thought I was the only person who felt that - I can't put the car radio on. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to yet.

I'm also pathetic and walking around sainsburys I think to myself "last time I was here I was with him...." and little stuff like that to everywhere I go. I can't bring myself to go to our favourite park yet.

I often wonder if men ever feel like this. Why is it most of the time it always feels like it's us women who suffer the most.

@GeminiCoven sorry to hear you’re struggling, do you want to talk about it?

15 years is a long time, well done for getting out of it, I can’t imagine how you must feel.

Abuse makes you question everything doesn’t it? I’m doing a lot of reading on trauma bonds and codependency- it’s resonating with me, but quite uncomfortable to read at times x

@GeminiCoven well done for knowing it’s the right thing! It will get easier.

and yes @Blossom12345 i feel like it’s always women who seem to be heartbroken and men who move on in 5 seconds flat.

I’m picturing my ex with someone else already (no idea if he’s actually with anyone) and it’s like a physical blow. I feel pathetic!

Thanks @SophieSoSo

It’s horrible, it’s taking all my strength not to get back with him. I’ve tried to break up with him lots of times over the years, unsuccessfully.

Yes, I’m questioning everything, don’t know who I am anymore and can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve done a lot of reading as well and I definitely think I’m trauma bonded so I think I need to work on breaking this. I don’t think it helps that we are still speaking, I’m working on trying to go no contact but I’m scared. I’ve reached out to women’s aid to try and make sense of things but I can’t seem to bring myself to talk about it with them.

One thing that is helping me is that I have wrote out a list of all the reasons why I shouldn’t go back and anytime I consider it, I read over this. Also have wrote out a few quotes from Lundy Bancroft’s books and read over these when I have a wobble.

I’ve done exactly the same.

I paid for the freedom program online previously but didn’t complete it, I’m working up the courage to call WA, silly that I don’t feel “abused” enough because he didn’t hit me.

Pushed me, smashed my things, threatened me, stonewalled me, gaslit me and said the most vile things….but he didn’t hit me. Stupid isn’t it?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone. We can’t keep living this life can we? One day at a time x

One quote I read the other day was 'you can't make someone love you or want you by giving them more of what they already don't appreciate'. That and 'sometimes the reason good things aren't happening to you, is because you are the good thing happening to other people'.

I've been doing lots of reading too, and. I have to admit, I hate TikTok but it's been amazing for self help tips and breakup advice etc, if you don't have it, download it and give it a shot. Worst outcome, you've distracted yourself from feeling like shit with silly videos for 30mins x

I’ve had a look at the freedom programme, haven’t done it yet, I don’t know how helpful it looks to be honest.

Yeah hitting isn’t even the worst part of abuse, it’s all the other little things that make you lose your mind! But all those things you have mentioned are definitely abuse so don’t ever think that you weren’t abused enough! I’ve had the same thoughts though! I also try and minimise a lot by thinking things such as oh but he was drunk or he didn’t mean to, he lost his temper. I think you get so used to it which is sad😥

When I called WA, they have a questionnaire that they go through with you and I found myself not being totally honest with a lot of my answers, felt guilty and still as if I had some sort of loyalty to him in a way so I’ll call back when I’m ready.

No, we definitely can’t keep living like this! We don’t deserve it and they don’t deserve us! I’m just taking it one day at a time too, struggling to concentrate on anything at the moment but I’m getting by and I’m sure it will keep getting easier day by day💕

I like those quotes @Herewegoagain22 💕

And I hear you with TikTok! It’s been helping me a lot as well!

I love both of those quotes!

I have downloaded TikTok also, thanks for the tip. I’m scrolling through instagram a lot - there’s an account called meafterwe which I’m finding really helpful.

Off to bed now, but will check in tomorrow. Thanks again for this thread I think a lot of us needed it x

Sorry, it’s lovingmeafterwe

Great quotes @Herewegoagain22 I don't think I believe the second one just yet but the first one definitely rings true.

Some of you really sound like you've been through some tough times. You all sound so strong taking the decisions you have, please remember that!

I need to start a list of all the shite I won't miss, I realise I was really unhappy as well a lot of the time and maybe down the line I'll realise he's done me a favour, I just can't see it at the moment because I'm letting the fear of being alone rule me.

Can you top up the kettle, I need to join too please. Or shall I open the wine?

It’s been a month now and I should be feeling better. Like @AnotherDayAnotherDoleur he said we’d be friends but has not contacted me at all. I think this hurts more… i deleted his number so I don’t keep looking when he’s online and to stop myself contacting him.

I went to the gym for the first time in months this eve and he was there - I turned quickly and went on treadmill instead of bike so I could face the wall. But then was disappointed he didn’t make any contact on his way out

how long does it take to feel better? I’m going to download TikTok and have a peek on there to see if that helps / thanks for the tip

The shitty thing is this is a process that will only ease with time. I've been heartbroken before and survived and I know I will, we ALL will, get past this and flourish. I just want to skip that part and get to the good stuff. I can't stand this stagnation, I want something to happen and this is partly what drives me to want to make contact other than missing him, I want some form of development even if it's bad and makes things worse, does that make any sense?? I hate the ever growing distance from our last comms and the sense that the connection we had is just fading. I'm going to be travelling through his town on the train tonight and this is making me ridiculously agitated. We will be literally yards apart briefly and he'll never know.

Signing in 🥳 now gone NC with someone I was seeing for 6 years. I’ve got the message that he’s not interested in me anymore ☹️ But I’m really struggling. Not messaged him for a week now. Problem is that I’ll have to see him at work next week, so I need to be upbeat. Need to hold it together !
My heart is broken and I honestly don’t know if I can ever do this again.

im also taking note of this quote though.

@FlibbertyGibbitt I like that 😊. So sorry you're dealing with this too, it's a fucker.

Morning all x

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur i completely relate to what you’re saying. I can’t stand this in between, I want to just be through the pain and on the other side. Feeling like this makes me want to reach out and get that relief for a few days, but I know I’ll just be here again next week, or the week after.

@Savoretti that sounds awful, I don’t know what I’d do if I bumped into mine you did really well to stay!

What does everyone have planned for the weekend? I don’t have my children this weekend so I’d like to keep busy instead of moping around. Seem to spend my life on Mumsnet at the minute as a distraction!

The worst part for me are mornings. It's like the minute I wake up my stomach sinks and I get this wave of anxiousness, I HATE IT. Does anyone else get like this? He's away On a Boys city break today until Monday so I know he's not giving a shit and will be posting how amazing his life is all over SM (not that I have to see it) but still I know it's happening

Yep, mornings are horrible. I find them worse than the evenings, I have that lovely few seconds just when I wake up and then I remember and feel sick and anxious.

Hello. Can I join? I'm having really hard time at the moment. I just wish there were a button and I can switch off all my feelings.

Welcome to the thread 😊

I wish none of us had to be here but it’s nice to have the support x