Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

214 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 21/04/2022 19:01

So, after a horrendous break up last February, I worked so hard on myself to get back to loving life as a singleton. I was happy on my own but happened to meet my partner in September when I wasn't even looking. It was a short but intense whirlwind that ended rather roughly last Friday. I'm 6 days no contact with absolutely no hope of hearing from him (he doesn't care at all and is out there loving life, partying, city trips, joining new sports clubs etc), whilst I am here processing my feelings and feeling a bit stuck. I gave my all to this short relationship and lost myself in the process of his controlling behaviour, lack of interest and effort. He begged for me take him back (after he continuously messed up) and told me he would change and he never did. He asked for this last chance to prove to me things will be different only to emotionally check out of the relationship and have the audacity to deny it when I brought up all the tell tale signs to him - I was just emotional due to my period apparently. My fault of course for believing and staying with him for as long as I did. But regardless of how long you're with someone, when you give your all to them and it ends for them to only go off and sail into the sunset without a care in the world, it is always going to hurt. So here I am again Hmm

Anyone else want to joint the breakup club?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
smurfmonkey · 22/04/2022 09:25

Morning all, yes another one here who hates mornings, because he's still in the house I just remember that I'm going to have to see him. Or I wonder will I wake up and will he be telling me he's off for the weekend again.

The anxious feeling in your stomach is just crap, the only benefit is that it's stopping me eating so much!

I just want someone to give me a timeline on when things get better, the anxious feeling will go on day 14. You'll stop randomly crying at shit on day 18. By day 63 you won't mind seeing him...

I know it doesn't work that way but I'm the same, I just want this shit feeling to go away.

smurfmonkey · 22/04/2022 09:28

Re the weekend, I support my local football team so I'm going to the match with my brother on Saturday and on Sunday I'm popping to see a friend who has also just split up with someone.

The evenings are worse for me occupying myself though, that's when I miss the company. He just sits in another room tapping away on his phone or pc or isn't even here. I sit and watch shit on tv because I can't concentrate and endlessly scour mumsnet!

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 22/04/2022 10:55

@merl20 welcome and sorry you have to join this awful club. How are you feeling at the moment?

I'm struggling to concentrate on my work. I work from home so I just do bits and pieces (or enough to get by without getting in trouble) and I mope about reading crap on my phone. I just want to feel better. How can people just detach so easily and move on, I want to be like them so badly, but instead things like this consume me!

OP posts:
girlcrew · 22/04/2022 11:03

Hi ladies, please may I join in?

I'm 7 weeks in so a little further down the line than most of you. I know exactly how you feel and although I've got over the worst stage but still feel up and down most of the days... He still pops into my head the first second when I wake up which I hate the most and wondering how much longer it'll take to change ...

Archive WhatsApp definitely helps, listen to break up podcasts helps, watch letting go you tube helps , reading and writing journals also helps.

It's better loved and lost than never loved at all! We've all been here before and we'll all get through it again... together

girlcrew · 22/04/2022 11:06

@Herewegoagain22 I wish there's switch off button like pp said, or a fast forward button, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way, and we all have to sit with the feelings and go through it, there's no other way around the pain

Savoretti · 22/04/2022 12:16

It is really nice to have this thread. Helps to read other people are going through the same even though I wish none of us were.
mad others have said it’s the total lack of contact I find so hard - I just want to tell him everything…

namechangedlikeeveryone · 22/04/2022 13:11

I know exactly what you mean!

mine is stalking me on social media. Unbelievably frustrating that he’s so interested in what i’m up to and so uninterested in me.

merl20 · 22/04/2022 14:04

@Herewegoagain22 I feel really low today. Tears in my eyes, my heart literally aches. As we are colleagues, I just saw him. He kept looking at me whilst he walked by and I just stared him back. This pain is killing me because I have never loved anyone else like this before.
Everyone keep saying that you have to keep yourself busy but I can tell that I CAN'T. And maybe I don't want to, at least not yet.

smurfmonkey · 22/04/2022 15:55

That sounds horrible @merl20, it's awful when you can't escape seeing them as it makes it so much harder to get over them.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what we or anyone else says, you need to process this however works best for you. If you want to wallow in a pit of misery or run around not sitting still keeping busy, it doesn't matter. Cope however you can 😞

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 22/04/2022 16:58

@smurfmonkey couldn't have said it better myself. We all just need to do what's best for us at the time. I've been to the gym, going to have a healthy dinner and have a face pack and watch crap on tv. I'm ok on my own, just as well as I'll probably be so for a long time! Don't think I can put myself through getting into another relationship after two big heartbreaks in less than a year!

Hope you all have some nice plans for this weekend and if you're struggle just post in here and we'll get the kettle on!

OP posts:
Savoretti · 22/04/2022 18:40

Do any of you want to get back with them? Im not sure if I do. At the moment I desperately do and would do anything for any contact from him but not sure if that is just because my heart is aching, or whether its what I really want.

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 22/04/2022 18:45

@Savoretti I would in a heartbeat. There was no issues, no problems, we were incredibly compatible, it was like meeting an old friend. The spark was amazing and he instinctively knew to be gentle and patient with me (trauma from previous relationships and dv) without me having to say anything. If soul mates exist, he's mine. No pressures of kids, both done that and no desire for more, both in our 40's and divorced. It's just this horrendous depressive episode that's hit him like a ton of bricks and he has withdrawn completely and says he hates himself and feels worthless and that I deserve more. Well, this is what he said 🤷🏻‍♀️might all be bullshit. But yes, I would be in his arms right now if he gave the nod. Pathetic really.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 22/04/2022 18:50

@Savoretti I'm a yes and no. A yes because I still love him and gave a lot to this relationship, when things were good, they were great. But also no, as the bad times outweighed the good. I lost myself as a person, he was very selfish and controlling and I was more unhappy than I was happy throughout. Felt like I was never good enough. But I do miss him a lot and still want him to contact me, even though he won't (as I ignored his last messages last Saturday).

OP posts:
Savoretti · 22/04/2022 19:02

its so hard when you miss them but know they are not right for you.
@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur I really hope he can get the help and support he needs and get back to his old self. Your situation is just so sad for all involved

Fabpinky · 22/04/2022 19:06

Hi everyone. Can I join? I’m only 4 days in. Was seeing someone for 8 months but they didn’t want to commit to a relationship and that’s what I want, so they said it was best we went no contact. I’ve already sent 2 text messages that have been ignored. 😩They were just 2 jokey texts I don’t understand why he couldn’t just send a polite reply we didn’t have a huge fall out or anything. I find it so so hard to ever let go. Have archived the chat but then just constantly check for messages so then unarchive again. Constantly check to see if he’s unfollowed me on social media too. It’s pathetic I know!!

AnotherDayAnotherDoleur · 22/04/2022 19:23

@Savoretti thank you, I hope so too, this is why it so hard not to make contact with him because I am worried about him but I will totally overanalyse any communication from him if he responds and this will be worse for me. Or he's not bothered and his rejection or indifference will be agonising. I'm not anywhere near tough enough for that. And I really don't want to get into a Florence nightingale dynamic, to be fair neither did he. It was me who suggested stepping away because I thought he was building up to it but I do wonder where we would be now if I had kept my mouth shut. He didn't fight for me anyway so I guess it's what he wanted realistically but I do kind of feel like I dumped myself!

JangolinaPitt · 22/04/2022 19:33

include me in… not sure if mine is over but am losing patience with the uncertainty. Came out of long marriage and did not expect to meet anyone then -bam! He had changed and massively improved my life in so many ways but he is under severe stress with work and family issues and gets silent when depressed. He finds it hard to trust and irrefutable to go into a shell. All his previous girlfriends have finished with him over this and he is constantly expecting me to find someone better. I think he is the best snd want no-I’ve else but he doesn’t believe it snd is trying to sabotage the relationship do that it goes the way he is used to before he gets too deeply involved. I have tried to be patient but another weekend with no plans makes me want to just look for a normal person. Am determined it will be him that ends it not me but this flow fade is stressful…

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 22/04/2022 19:46

@Fabpinky welcome, and how are you doing tonight?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I would recommend blocking him from social media to avoid the obsessive checking (I'm speaking from experience as was really bad for this). It might seem petty or that you have taken the breakup the hardest but you shouldn't care, sometimes you have to do what's right for you and think of yourself because nobody else is. If he wanted to get in touch he would. Please be kind to yourself. If he is going NC then you should too. You deserve better than someone who isn't sure of you

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 22/04/2022 19:50

@JangolinaPitt that sounds like a very difficult position to be in. Sending you hugs. When it comes to depression, it is always tough, you can only provide so much support, they have to want to take it and equally want to work together. You mustn't allow yourself to get lost in this process though, please try and take care of yourself and perhaps give yourself a time frame in your mind to re-evaluate the situation, is there improvement by that stage or is it time to perhaps take a step back? Either way, we're here for you!

OP posts:
smurfmonkey · 22/04/2022 20:29

Savoretti · 22/04/2022 18:40

Do any of you want to get back with them? Im not sure if I do. At the moment I desperately do and would do anything for any contact from him but not sure if that is just because my heart is aching, or whether its what I really want.

Yes sadly I'm still in the phase of wanting him, even though I know he doesn't want me. He has some terrible points, but I never cared because I thought we were just perfect for each other. Maybe it's the nostalgia more than anything, we were together for 16 years and part of me thinks that's too long to just let go.

smurfmonkey · 22/04/2022 20:31

Fabpinky · 22/04/2022 19:06

Hi everyone. Can I join? I’m only 4 days in. Was seeing someone for 8 months but they didn’t want to commit to a relationship and that’s what I want, so they said it was best we went no contact. I’ve already sent 2 text messages that have been ignored. 😩They were just 2 jokey texts I don’t understand why he couldn’t just send a polite reply we didn’t have a huge fall out or anything. I find it so so hard to ever let go. Have archived the chat but then just constantly check for messages so then unarchive again. Constantly check to see if he’s unfollowed me on social media too. It’s pathetic I know!!

You aren't pathetic!!! No one us are, we just care too much.

Although I have also been calling myself pathetic for various dumb shit I've been doing or crying over 😂

Before you pick up the phone though, just stop and think about how even more shit you'll feel if he doesn't reply.

SophieSoSo · 22/04/2022 21:13

Do I want mine back? No I don’t think so, but I want him to want me if that makes sense?

I invested so much, treated him so much better than he ever treated me, and it hurts that he can act like I’m nothing.

I just wish I had a fast forward button, I’m in that horrible phase of not being with him but not back to my normal self - I just want to feel happy again.

Savoretti · 22/04/2022 21:33

@AnotherDayAnotherDoleur exactly the same here. It was me who suggested the break, now I realise I was actually hoping for him to say ‘no way’ but he didn’t… and that’s what hurts so bad.
i think I’m the one who sabotages relationships because i am
so scared they won’t work it’s better to prove I’m right by making sure it doesn’t. Definitely a case for therapy me.
i do think I’d be different if he gave me another chance but he too ignored my messages so I deleted his number so I can’t send anymore nor check on his status anywhere. It’s horrible on one hand, but such a good thing on the other. Apart from seeing him in the gym I literally don’t know what he’s up to and that helps

JangolinaPitt · 23/04/2022 07:53

@Herewegoagain22
thank you do much for your kind words and
you can't make someone love you or want you by giving them more of what they already don't appreciate' is excellent
Re the archiving-it is only a swipe right and I do this with those group chats that have too much traffic -you don’t then get notifications but can still see when there are messages and continue the conversation if you want to.
I have archived his chat so that zi don’t look at every alert that comes in to see if it is him, but can check at times when I am feeling strong -eg when with friends etc

namechangedlikeeveryone · 23/04/2022 12:10

@Fabpinky oh i know it’s so hard but no texting him! It just prolongs it all

@Savoretti yep i want him back - but only if he can get his shit together and make an effort (I ended things because he got so flakey). But if it’s a choice between being unhappy with someone and unhappy getting over them I would definitely take the latter.

i have so much work to get through today I’m hoping that’ll keep me busy. Every time I check my phone i’m nervous that either he’s messaged or he hasn’t 🙄 can’t wait to be a few months down the line.