Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 15/04/2022 15:17

I guess it just depends whether or not you want to do all the work yourself. I know a few women that have only had one for this very reason

SockQueen · 15/04/2022 15:23

It depends how much you like being a domestic drudge/boring mum and constantly resenting him for the next 18+ years. The one who does the tedious stuff like making sure everyone has clean clothes, there's food in the fridge, nursery is booked etc. While dad gets to chill for most of the time and then be "fun dad" by taking them to soft play/McDs every so often. Nobody is stopping you from having another child, but be under no illusion that anything will change or improve on his side.

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 15:26

If you're happy and prepared to do it then crack on but I wouldn't if I was you.

MoonBat · 15/04/2022 15:27

I found having two much harder than having one, and if he's already useless it's going to be even harder with another.

Vsirbdo · 15/04/2022 15:29

I wouldn’t under estimate how hard having 2 is and how much resentment that will make you feel to your DH.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 15/04/2022 15:30

I did and it is a slog. I had my first at 37 and got pregnant with my second at 19 months. I decided I would regret not having two children because he was lazy more than regretting having them and DH still being lazy. There has been a some improvement as when you have two it’s easier to say you take DC1 to X whilst I pick up DC2 from Y, but I have had had to have boundaries of steel and I didn’t leave my career so if I do get fed up I can divorce and I will be earning enough to buy him out the house, etc

ThatsGoingToHurt · 15/04/2022 15:31

Basically as I had left it late to have kids I didn’t have time to find anyone else so it was a case of not have another child or stay with DC and have another child

NorthSouthcatlady · 15/04/2022 15:32

Depends if you accept the current situation and 2 being more work than 1. Rather than moaning and being a martyr for the next 18 years or so. I doubt he is going to up his game by the sounds of it

AnyFucker · 15/04/2022 15:32

Of course you can have another child. But don’t expect him to change. You will have twice the work, several times the resentment and it is highly likely that your relationship will not last. Crack on, though.

Vsirbdo · 15/04/2022 15:39

I’d agree with @ThatsGoingToHurt that with two you can almost force your DH to help as you just hand them one of the children or ask them to do something and if they protest you say “well I’m feeding/changing/playing etc with other child” so I can’t do two things at once

GoFishandChips · 15/04/2022 15:39

I have a father like that and to be completely honest I have "daddy issues" because of it, I spent a lot of my teenage years and adulthood seeking male validation. I'd be very envious of my friends who had involved dad's and wondered what was wrong with me that my dad didn't want to spend time as a family. I think it would have helped if my mum had acknowledged it but I spent most of my life thinking it was because I wasn't enough. I love him very much but he shouldn't have been allowed to be so uninvolved. My mum was super strict with my sibling and I and really struggled with her temper as she was for the most parenting alone (that was her I know others cope much better). She wanted kids, he wasn't particularly bothered and was allowed to be hands off with us. I know it's not what you want to here but I do think it had an effect on mine and my siblings emotional development and I was determined to find a partner who would be the opposite of my dad.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/04/2022 15:43

You'll be balancing the needs of your first child with the needs of your second, which might be hard for you physically and emotionally. A 2 and a half year old still really needs a lot of care and attention, hard to balance with a newborn.

Could you wait till DC1 has started school?

How are your finances?

Imonlyhereforalaugh · 15/04/2022 15:45

Having two kids within two years is very hard work. I could not have done it with a supportive partner. Even with a relatively compared to most of MN hands on partner, I still struggled and there were times I felt like I was close to having a nervous breakdown.

As other PP have said, your kids will also learn by example. Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking that it's ok for men to not bother with their own offspring?

Imonlyhereforalaugh · 15/04/2022 15:46

*without a supportive partner sorry

Mummytobe93 · 15/04/2022 15:47

Does he want another child?

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 15:47

Would you want more than one child to have a rubbish dad? You probably didn’t realise when you had your first how rubbish he would be, but you would if you have a second child

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2022 15:49

Why doesn't he do anything? Did he want to be a father?

MarriedThreeChildren · 15/04/2022 15:56

If he is happy and you are happy with it, why not?

But I’d also plan for you to be a single parent because if you are already questioning things now, I suspect that in a few years time, you’ll have enough and you’ll think you might as well be on your own seeing that you do it all anyway.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:58

In many ways it is easier alone if I was totally alone but realistically I wouldn’t be, he’d still be hanging around so I do feel I may as well put up with it. I love being a mum and I do want more than one child, I don’t think he didn’t want to be a father but maybe he would it be bad to do all the stuff I do.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 15/04/2022 16:01

I would if that is what you desire. Having two children is not the grind that some people seem to think it is,, even though the whole thing is left to you. You can get organised with two small children, and have time for other things too.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:03

So what does he do? Does he ignore DS or is he more a Disney Dad and leave you with the drudge work?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:09

Just pretty much leaves everything to me. I’m responsible for nursery, eating, sleeping, dressing, nappies, entertainment etc. if we go somewhere I’m responsible for making sure DS has everything he needs, I don’t get any peace.

I can’t say I’m thrilled with it but it won’t change.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 15/04/2022 16:10

Why did you pick such a dud?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:12

@MsTSwift

Why did you pick such a dud?
Well, I am very plain so never attracted anyone when I was younger, and I’m also a bit overweight, boring and a bit pathetic really. So not much of a catch. Is that the sort of answer you were going for?
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:13

So do you want your child/children growing up with someone who ignores them. You would be far better off kicking him out so at least they don’t have to see him physically ignoring them on a daily basis. Why would you do this to another child?

Was he any use round the house before you had a child with him? What happens if you went out on your own and left DS with him?