Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

[Blueyellowiris]

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

Unpopular opinion here. I felt the same as you but DS was 3 I toyed the idea for ages.... DS is now 7 and I'm not with his dad. I didn't do it and take the plunge. But I wish I had of for DS he would love a sibling! He would of been a fab brother.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@naomi81 but why knowingly give a child a rubbish dad?[/quote]
Not sure why I am being challenged I was only offering the poster my point of view, everyone is entitled to one. He does however earn a very very good salary and is very intelligent but so strange when it comes to parenting/ hard physical graft, he can't do it! So in ways he is a good role model, don't worry my child will not grow up thinking men do bugger all in the home, I am here to educate her also.

@Blueyellowiris

Nothing happens really. He doesn’t totally ignore DS or anything - he doesn’t parent in the way I would personally but that’s not really the issue. It’s more the fact he doesn’t really help me.

It's more the fact he doesn't really help me.

Help. Now there's a word. Could this be what's really going on here? That both of you view anything childcare-related that he does as him 'helping' you look after your dc, rather than what it should be, which is him taking on his fair share of parenting his own child?

I mentioned you @naomi81 because you told the OP to go for it knowing she would be parenting on her own. But why would you encourage someone to bring a child up with a rubbish dad, and it's not just the fact he doesn't do the drudge work involved with parenting, if he doesn't do the emotional side of parenting too. How awful is it for a child to be brought up in a home where it would be quite clear that one adult is not invested/interested in them. Who doesn't naturally take on the caring role of a parent, only if they have to if the mother dares to go out once in awhile. Who watches their mum do everything, and the only thing dad does is bring in money, but has no real emotional attachment to their child.

@toomuchlaundry

I mentioned you *@naomi81* because you told the OP to go for it knowing she would be parenting on her own. But why would you encourage someone to bring a child up with a rubbish dad, and it's not just the fact he doesn't do the drudge work involved with parenting, if he doesn't do the emotional side of parenting too. How awful is it for a child to be brought up in a home where it would be quite clear that one adult is not invested/interested in them. Who doesn't naturally take on the caring role of a parent, only if they have to if the mother dares to go out once in awhile. Who watches their mum do everything, and the only thing dad does is bring in money, but has no real emotional attachment to their child.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, family, mother or father, it's like looking at houses you can rarely have everything you want, it's all about balance. Hopefully father may come into his own one day. I know a few women that have used sperm donations and quite happily raising there children single with no father, so who knows what's really best for the child/ mother 🤷‍♀️ only she can decide if this is the best option for her child their are many other factors to look at. Also cooking, cleaning, childcare can all be outsourced if needed. It's all about balance. I think if father is knowingly physically and emotionally neglecting/abusing a child then I would look defo walk.

@jackstini

What does he say when you tell him you need a break and ask him to do more?

Have you raised sharing the night wakes, taking it in turns for a lie in, preparing the meals etc?

I believe the OP says he “just doesn’t get it”- and there’s no point pushing the issue. When someone else asked:

I have thanks @springtimeishereagain, but it just doesn’t happen and this is what I’ve come to realise, that in energy output it’s more energy trying to get him to do something than just accepting it won’t happen and doing it myself.

I recognise that sorting issues like this ants energy and conflict is not fun, but if I were OP I’d get it sorted or get out. Because spending a whole life tamping down your needs and emotions is a recipe for disaster, really.

But perhaps OP is right and “he’s not that bad” and it was just one day feeling tired and blue.

Whilst it’s true that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, there are definitely some dynamics that are healthier than others.

And it’s only possible to outsource childcare, cleaning and cooking if you have the financial means to do so and as a couple agree that’s important.

I could be wrong but it seems like OP’s husband doesn’t recognise any of these things are valuable (& thus worth paying for) if he can’t be arsed to facilitate any of them, or give the OP a break when she’s having to do all of them.

Small children is a tough stage of anyones life and relationship. You need really good communication, and a trust in each other. That seems… lacking here.

OP, I am an older mum and my little one is now 1. With my DH doing more than 50 percents, I find it very hard indeed to look after 2 young children. Even if you feel that you can do everything on your own for your 2 kids, your resentment will grow yo watch him doing nothing and letting you suffer another 2 years or no sleep / rest....

Don't do it. The children will grow up thinking why men are not involved in family life as much as women ( you) and will model this sort of mysoginistic behaviour for their marriage.

I know a man who didn't want another child for this reason. I can see why. I guess you need to ask yourself are you prepared to do it if you have another child?