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Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/04/2022 08:25

Never you must know some really dysfunctional people if you say you've never met a Dad who does his fair share.

In my circle, and I've moved around a lot, the Dads all do their fair share of parenting, my own DH has always done loads more then me because he loves being a Dad and all that involves (yes, including getting up at night, changing nappies, working long hard hours to support his family, housework, cooking, shopping, booking holidays, doctor appointments, gardening, taking DC away for camping trips, sports events etc to give me a break etc etc).

Personally I wouldn't have DC with a man who didn't pull his weight ... I think you are mad and actually a little sad to have such low expectations for your own life. Sad.

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2022 08:36

If you both work FT you either need to throw money at it, so be able to afford as much good-quality help as humanly possible, have an extremely supportive family network who can step in or be in a really strong equal partnership where both parents are committed to the same standards and work well together.

And I would add, definitely do not give up your FT job. Because that’s the solution women often go for - particularly if their bloke is high-earning, or away a lot - and whilst it goes a way to solving the exhaustion and overwork it pretty much always puts them in a perilous financial position where they’re absolutely dependent on their husband - and the ones who don’t contribute equally to childcare and care about their partner’s feelings or needs by prioritising them equal time off are also never the ones who will pay into a pension for you, share finances equally or act reasonably in the event of a (practically inevitable) divorce.

Do not give up FT work.

girlmom21 · 16/04/2022 08:38

Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one

No it's absolutely not

GalesThisMorning · 16/04/2022 08:39

OP I have parented with a man who did sweet FA like your husband, and with a man who loves me and loves his child. My first husband did not love me or respect me enough to shoulder his share of the load when he saw me struggling. He didn't care, it was my job. Your husband sounds like this. It was lonely, demeaning and hammered at my sense of worth. It sounds like this is happening to you.

My husband now would never dream of watching me suffer. He sees when I need a break and swoops in, as do I for him. Plus he enjoys parenting so actively looks for opportunities to spend time with his son. As do I. We are a team pulling together, and that is what makes our home happy and loving. You deserve that too. You do not have that, you have a man who does not love you enough and does not care for your well being. He doesn't care that your basic needs for sleep and rest are not being met. Don't analyse it further than that. It doesn't matter why - he just doesn't care.

I'm sorry that is so blunt! But I am so grateful that I realised that about my first husband and moved on before having a second child with him. Sometimes we settle for less than we deserve - don't do that.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2022 08:48

@Blueyellowiris

Have you considered how much harder it gets beyond the toddler stage

Does it? I mean, that’s 100% a genuine question. Bearing in mind my main issue is lack of sleep.

Yes. Emotionally much harder. Physically/practically too. You know where babies are and you're in control. That changes hugely as they get older
Nanny0gg · 16/04/2022 08:52

Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one, same with making lunch for two, taking two to day care. Plus they play together.

Hahahahaha

gannett · 16/04/2022 09:16

@Blueyellowiris

Why is your child luckier than 90% of other children born on the same day

For starters, he or she will be born in a developed country with access to education, transport, healthcare, food and warmth.

To narrow it down further, he or she will be born to educated parents with a good income, a secure home in an affluent area.

I could go on but you get the idea.

No one said that DH didn’t give a shit about his basic care.

The concern about the impact on your children isn't about childcare, as babies, it's about raising well-adjusted adults. You've ignored the posters who have written about the after-effects of being raised in loveless marriages with emotionally absent fathers - I would urge you to reread those posts. I've known way too many acquaintances who were left damaged in some way by this - the flipside of a father who obviously doesn't care is often a mother who cares too much, because she obviously had the children to bring herself respite in a toxic marriage, and ultimately that's suffocating as the children grow up.

No amount of affluent areas and educated parents can compensate for a loving environment growing up, even if that loving environment is a single parent.

You need to be thinking about what kind of adults your children will grow into, not just who will look after them as babies.

Pumperthepumper · 16/04/2022 09:22

@girlmom21

Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one

No it's absolutely not

I actually laughed at this - it definitely is not! What happens when they both run off in opposite directions? Or when you’ve got one in a buggy and one refusing to walk/on a scooter? Plus it’s literally twice the work getting them teeth brushed/hair brushed/dressed/nappy changed/wellies on/coats on/out the door!
Squeezyhug · 16/04/2022 09:43

OP if you don’t mind doing everything when DH is around but he does his share of parenting when alone with the dc and you really want another child then you should go for it.

Plus side: Your dc have a sibling to grow up with and later on in life you don’t have the regret of not having another.
In my experience, having 2 was easier than having just one as they played together and I could get on with things ( when they’re a bit older obviously)

Down side: More hard work for you

Squeezyhug · 16/04/2022 09:46

You need to ensure time out for you and leave him to it more as well

wingscrow · 16/04/2022 09:47

Does he even love and care for the child you have?

He is not involved in the practical stuff but does he actually enjoy spending time with your son?

How do you think the kid will feel if his father wants nothing to do with him when he starts growing up and being more aware?

If it is a case that you want another kid you might be facing a future where you are a single parent to both children, because your partners does not sound like father material at all, beyond pretty much being just a 'sperm donor'...

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 16/04/2022 13:12

I’m not sure I agree that older children are harder than toddlers but I’ll have to revisit the thread in a few years and see how things are then.

I was a bit low yesterday. I don’t think DH is anything like as bad as he’s been painted on here. I think he could do more. But it’s part of a general issue with him not wanting to go out much I think.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 13:14

@girlmom21

Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one

No it's absolutely not

It’s also totally irrelevant because taking the kids to the park is like 5% of parenting - the op’s main issue is sleep. And I can tell you sorting two kids’ sleep is nothing like sorting one. They never sleep at the same time, especially if you’re exhausted.
LimeSegment · 16/04/2022 13:50

I'm the first to say LTB on here when the man is horrible but I don't get that feeling here. He could do more as OP says, yes. Does he have some major flaws, yes. Is he making her a slave as was mentioned up thread? No, not the way I'm reading it.

Everyone's life and relationship can't be perfect. Some of us don't have endless choices for partners. Being in an imperfect relationship doesn't get rid of your desire for a family.

If OP started a thread about how she just left an abusive relationship, very poor, about to be evicted etc, and was pregnant by the abuser, every reply would be "keep the baby, you'll never regret it, it will grow up just fine, etc". But because OP is doing OK, it's seen as wrong to want children unless she has the picture perfect life.

toomuchlaundry · 16/04/2022 14:02

What has DH done today family wise @Blueyellowiris?

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2022 14:15

@Blueyellowiris

I’m not sure I agree that older children are harder than toddlers but I’ll have to revisit the thread in a few years and see how things are then.

I was a bit low yesterday. I don’t think DH is anything like as bad as he’s been painted on here. I think he could do more. But it’s part of a general issue with him not wanting to go out much I think.

How would you know? You're not there yet

I've done it with children and now with grandchildren.

And I can assure you that it is.

But you want to do what you want to do, and nothing on here is changing your mindset.

But you crack on. And please don't come and tell us that he still won't do anything because you'll deserve the 'I told you so' that you'll get.

toomuchlaundry · 16/04/2022 14:16

You do seem to be minimising the issue. Even if he doesn’t like going out he could do more in the house

JellyBunny · 16/04/2022 14:17

The point is that you know what he's like as a father so if you have another with him then you know what to expect. If you wouldn't be happy with that then don't do it but I can understand why someone might do that because they really want another child.

toomuchlaundry · 16/04/2022 14:19

DH would be involved with most bath/bedtimes. That was his bonding time with DS when I was still breastfeeding. He tried to read stories most nights. It is well documented the benefits of dads reading to their DC.

naomi81 · 16/04/2022 14:25

Same situation here, I am opting not to have another child and other half says he doesn't want another as they are hard work 😕 I already feel like I have 2 children 😞 like you I never thought he would be like this tbh. If your young enough and in good health I would just go for it in the knowledge that I would be parenting on my own Xx

jackstini · 16/04/2022 14:36

What does he say when you tell him you need a break and ask him to do more?

Have you raised sharing the night wakes, taking it in turns for a lie in, preparing the meals etc?

toomuchlaundry · 16/04/2022 14:52

@naomi81 but why knowingly give a child a rubbish dad?

madroid · 16/04/2022 14:54

Your DH might get better as they get older. Kids have a way of getting the attention they need Grin

M0RVEN · 16/04/2022 15:00

@Vsirbdo

I’d agree with *@ThatsGoingToHurt* that with two you can almost force your DH to help as you just hand them one of the children or ask them to do something and if they protest you say “well I’m feeding/changing/playing etc with other child” so I can’t do two things at once
That never worked for me. He just said “ oh I need to check my work email” and disappeared off to his computer for hours.

Most Lazy Selfish men have been honing their tactics for years. It’s hard to get around them, there’s always an excuse.

naomi81 · 16/04/2022 15:05

[quote toomuchlaundry]@naomi81 but why knowingly give a child a rubbish dad?[/quote]
I didn't know hence why we just have the one!!! And he is the second child!

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