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Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:48

@TypicallyTopically

It's obvious you want another one and want us to justify it for you so just do it
I have misgivings and I’m certainly not wanting anyone to justify it, in fact posting here was probably guaranteeing everyone would say no bad idea.

But being totally realistic it does feel a little in for a penny in for a pound. As people have said though two if very different to one.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 17:48

How does he feel about a second child?

I bet he'll say to you he struggles to cope with one and that's why he never gives you a break. What then?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:49

I definitely don’t find DS a piece of cake.

OP posts:
Hiroe · 15/04/2022 17:49

@Pumperthepumper

I like ‘its amazing how little it takes to be considered a good dad, and also a shit mum’.
Even better.
PriestessofPing · 15/04/2022 17:49

If you really want to go ahead and think you can cope with the extra work physically by working full time with two young kids and emotionally by dealing year after year with the resentment of having to do it all, then sure go ahead.

I do think it is sad to knowingly saddle more than one child with a disengaged parent who can’t really be arsed beyond the very basics, but lots of people do it.

I would say though that parenting is such a long process and 18 months is just the very first part. You’d be looking at another two decades of this before both are grown up and independent (and of course parenting doesn’t stop the moment they go off to uni or whatever they do at aged 18). It’s very rewarding but it’s also hard work. Each year that goes by that your husband doesn’t step up is another year of resentment. So try and imagine twenty years of it. You’d be giving over a huge slice of your life to parenting mostly solo to two kids with no guarantee they won’t end up like their dad and expect the woman to do everything.

Guess it really depends on whether you think all that is worth it for the enjoyment you get from being a mum.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 17:50

You should stop looking at it as help, he should be parenting.

You don't seem to be listening to people saying he is a shit dad and a shit husband. You may be happy to have a shit husband (although a very bad role model for DS) but you shouldn't be happy to give another child a shit dad

And you think he may step up as a parent when the kids are teenagers, that will probably be too late to be build a relationship with them by then unless he (and you) are happy for them to simply regard him as a taxi driver and a bank

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 17:51

You need to stop thinking about what you want and what your child and any future children will want and deserve

Step1234 · 15/04/2022 17:52

I definitely don’t find DS a piece of cake

Right so if you're barely coping now, how is another baby going to improve things?

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 17:53

@Step1234

I definitely don’t find DS a piece of cake

Right so if you're barely coping now, how is another baby going to improve things?

Not finding something a piece of cake is a million miles away from barely coping.
Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:54

It isn’t that I am not listening, it is that people aren’t telling me stuff I don’t ready know.

Yes, I know he could and should do a lot more. But he doesn’t.

But I still (understandably!) want a happy life and part of that, a HUGE part, is children and a family.

OP posts:
workingmomlife · 15/04/2022 17:55

If you are happy with the status quo and aren't going to be starting a thread in 5 years time moaning about him then carry on. It's no one's business but your own. Lots of women on here have children with wholly unsuitable men. But you can't knowingly jump feet first into it and then complain about it after. You make you're bed you lie in it .....

He won't change

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:57

Well have another baby then, and do every single thing yourself with no break until the kids are teens. That’s what you want, so do it. Hopefully your kids will be happy too, and won’t absorb the dysfunctional family relationships you’re showing them.

But don’t complain about never getting a break. I don’t want to be unsympathetic but I know people who do this and after the second child I’m not interested. You’ve made the choice and are apparently happy with this man, so don’t complain, be happy about doing everything with no break ever.

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:57

And absolutely don’t complain when you have teen boys who don’t help you or give you a break - you’re the one who thought it was acceptable.

Step1234 · 15/04/2022 17:58

Not finding something a piece of cake is a million miles away from barely coping'

Sounds to me like she's desperate for a break. Ya know, because she keeps saying how she needs a break. But the useless twat she's shacked up with won't give it to her.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 17:59

Is it a happy life for a child to have an adult in the house who is meant to be their dad and isn't really interested in them? Is that really a happy family life for them?

BundtCake · 15/04/2022 17:59

Help you? Looking after your own kids isn't helping, it's being a parent.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 18:00

What I need more than anything is just sleep, to be honest.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 18:01

@Blueyellowiris

What I need more than anything is just sleep, to be honest.
And we all know a newborn baby, a preschooler, and a selfish husband are the ingredients to a perfect sleep schedule.
Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 18:03

Well quite and I do need to think about it carefully.

Ideally I would look to have an age gap of 4-5 years but I’m too old.

OP posts:
workingmomlife · 15/04/2022 18:07

How old are you? If your child is 18 months give it another year before TTC again. Some fathers do improve when the baby becomes more mobile and has more of a personality going on and they can do more things with them - he may just surprise you. Lots of men find the first 18 months boring and consider it very much a mothers only time

springtimeishereagain · 15/04/2022 18:07

But I still (understandably!) want a happy life and part of that, a HUGE part, is children and a family

But at any cost? If you're exhausted now, how much more exhausted will you be with two? What kind of message is your h's lack of parenting giving your dc? When they're older, what kind of parent will he be? How will that make the Dc feel?

And you deserve better then this. You deserve an equal relationship. Your h is showing you just how he feels about you and his dc. He just can't be arsed. He prioritises himself over you every single day.

If you have begged him for a lie in and he still lets Dc come in with a noisy toy, what does that say?

I would have no more dc with a man who thought so very little of me and my needs.

Neverreturntoathread · 15/04/2022 18:09

Amazing how many women on here seem to have perfect husbands 👀

OP it sucks but honestly in real life, most men are like yours. I’ve never met any dad who does his share. Not saying that’s ok, it’s just unpleasant watching other posters tell you that you ‘picked a dud’ and ‘not to come back moaning’ when it’s such a common situation.

If you want another child, have another child. When they’re older it’s actually much less work having two than it is trying to amuse an only child. You’re going into it with your eyes open this time, so you may not be quite as disappointed with DH lack of parenting. If family finances can afford it hire in as much help as possible - I know someone who has 5 kids plus a DH like yours, but on the bright side they have a cleaner 3x a week plus a nanny and she doesn’t work. She’s still very tired but it’s manageable. So cleaner + childcare help if you can! Marriage counselling be worth a shot too, but everyone I know who tried it said it made the marriage less happy 😱 haven’t tried it myself.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/04/2022 18:12

@Blueyellowiris

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

To me it would depend on the reason for so little involvement. I did virtually everything when dds were small, but that was because I was a SAHP and dh was working very long hours, with only one day off a week. (Working abroad,) It wasn’t because he wasn’t interested - he just didn’t have the time.
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 18:13

It's so sad we have so low expectations of dads, and it is perpetuating as OP's DS will probably grow up the same as he will have such a rubbish example in his dad. My DH isn't perfect but neither am I, but we both step up as parents. Women need to take responsibility and try and provide a decent dad for their DC, that is part of being a parent. If he was a crap partner don't have DC with them, and if he was a crap dad to DC1 don't have more children with him. Fine if you are happy to have a crap partner but not fair for your DC

Teddeh · 15/04/2022 18:13

My sister's a single mother - useless dad disappeared when the older one was a toddler and she intentionally had the younger one on her own. She knew what she was getting into (well, with the second one anyway) and as far as I know hasn't regretted it. She's had a lot of support, or I guess you could say "help" - grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents, friends and neighbours with similar-age children to take turns childminding, and of course babysitters. The children seem fine; it's pretty much all they've known and neither is interested in the possibility of another parent.

I'd far rather that type of arrangement, hard as I know it must be, than to have my children's actual DAD hanging around and awkwardly "helping" when there's no alternative. Do you love this man? Does he love you? You say he can't understand what you need and you know he won't change. It would bug the hell out of me that he's just not willing to take the baby into the other room and BOTH keep quiet, JUST because I asked him to and told him I really needed the break, even if he doesn't;t understand exactly why. How hard can it be?