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Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
FleurDeLizz · 15/04/2022 17:22

You haven’t addressed a single post from anyone saying how awful it is to be the child of a shit dad. Have you taken that into account?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/04/2022 17:22

I was incredibly poorly when pregnant with Ds2 and it was a higher risk pregnancy too where I was put on bed rest at home for 13 weeks. No picking Ds1 up, no walking, nothing. Basically move as little as possible. Luckily I have a husband who dotes on his children and me so the midwives were happy that Dh would work from home and be at my beck and call, plus Ds1's too.

How would you manage that with your toddler and your Dh who isn't that great at parenting? How stressful would you find it day after day watching his style of parenting?

It can happen, you could have horrific morning sickness which I did with Ds2 but not with Ds1. In fact I was so ill I thought I must be having a girl because my pregnancy was so different second time round.

From what you have said about your Dh allowing more tv, more dummy, more chocolate it would suggest he panders to have an easier life but this then makes it harder for you surely if your child expects the tv and you say no. Have you spoken to him about how his actions have a knock on effect on you being able to parent?

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:23

@ChristmasTreeGorgeous

You are clearly very happy being a Mother. Please have your second child. No-one knows what the future holds.
It’s not all about how happy someone is to be a mum. Have a bit of forethought and think how happy your baby will be to be an adult.

An adult who has learned that women work full time and are servants to men also, that men do not have to do anything in the home, that fathers don’t care about you and won’t interact with you etc etc.

Hiroe · 15/04/2022 17:23

But he does get it. He’s aware that OP does all the care, how could he not be?

OP claims otherwise. I was wondering IF she’s tried talking to him and if so what his response was.

Organictangerine · 15/04/2022 17:25

@SockQueen

It depends how much you like being a domestic drudge/boring mum and constantly resenting him for the next 18+ years. The one who does the tedious stuff like making sure everyone has clean clothes, there's food in the fridge, nursery is booked etc. While dad gets to chill for most of the time and then be "fun dad" by taking them to soft play/McDs every so often. Nobody is stopping you from having another child, but be under no illusion that anything will change or improve on his side.
Bit mean. Committed or single mums aren’t ‘domestic drudges’ Hmm if OP loves being a mum, it will be worth it. She can leave him afterwards. That’s what I would do, anyway.
Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 17:26

@Hiroe

But he does get it. He’s aware that OP does all the care, how could he not be?

OP claims otherwise. I was wondering IF she’s tried talking to him and if so what his response was.

OP does claim otherwise. But there’s no way he’s not aware that he’s not changing nappies or getting up in the night or any of the rest of it.
Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:26

@FleurDeLizz

You haven’t addressed a single post from anyone saying how awful it is to be the child of a shit dad. Have you taken that into account?
Of course, but a lot of those posts seem to be working on the assumption that he literally leaves DS in dirty nappies or similar. And that’s my fault, I haven’t explained very well. But the impact is 100% on me.

So to give an example. DS doesn’t sleep well, and he has to be fed to sleep so I do night wakes. But I was (am!) shattered. Asked DH if he’d take DS to nursery last week on one day so I could just sleep (day off) got everything ready, clothes bag etc. and DH did but he let DS come running into the bedroom with some noisy plastic toy, obviously woke me up so no relaxing lie in.

Then when he came back was wandering in and out saying ‘oh and when you get up …’

I have a friend who’s H will just take their DD and let her sleep. IDs that sort of thing I mean. I don’t ever get a proper break as even it DH has DS neither of them give me any peace anyway!

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 15/04/2022 17:27

Have you tried talking to him, op? Have you pointed out how much more you do than him, and told him to step up?

Tell him that today is his day to look after dd as you did it all last weekend? Organised a lie-in for you each weekend? Do you get time to yourself?

Why are you with him?

How much will you resent him if you have another dc and he carries on being useless?

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2022 17:28

@Blueyellowiris

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

You want to stop looking at it as 'having another baby'

Fast forward 10 years + to the teenage years

How do you think it will be then? How do you think it will be when the kids want stuff? Will he contribute? When they need ferrying everywhere? Will he help?

How will they feel having a disinterested father?

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 17:29

Asked DH if he’d take DS to nursery last week on one day so I could just sleep (day off) got everything ready, clothes bag etc. and DH did but he let DS come running into the bedroom with some noisy plastic toy, obviously woke me up so no relaxing lie in.

Then when he came back was wandering in and out saying ‘oh and when you get up …’

So he'll help when you ask but then he'll punish you subtly for asking? Lovely.

He does that on purpose OP. You inconvenienced him so he's not going to do what you need him to do.

A decent husband would keep the toddler out of your way because they'd recognise if you were asking for help you really need it, given everything you do.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:31

I have thanks @springtimeishereagain, but it just doesn’t happen and this is what I’ve come to realise, that in energy output it’s more energy trying to get him to do something than just accepting it won’t happen and doing it myself.

Tbh @Nanny0gg I don’t think he’ll be too bad then. I could be wrong.

OP posts:
MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 15/04/2022 17:32

I was going to ask about teenagers too. Do you want to raise two of them alone?

I think having another baby is a terrible idea as is continuing this relationship. I also think you should get some therapy to work out why you value yourself so poorly.

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:34

You want to stop looking at it as 'having another baby'
Fast forward 10 years + to the teenage years

I would also consider what those teenagers will be like. Your son will have absorbed the lesson that mum exists to serve the men of the house. That dad does nothing to help her and she doesn’t deserve a lie in or any relaxation, and if she does ask for a lie in dad will ruin it to make sure she doesn’t ask again.

That’s what your son will see, and that’s what he’ll emulate. And if the next baby’s a boy too then you’ll have three men to clean up after and serve until they find their own women to clean and cook and provide childcare. Unless the next baby’s a girl, then she can assist you in cleaning after her father and older brother.

But if your husband won’t help you your son is unlikely to.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:35

He does clean, and cook sometimes. It’s purely relayed to childcare / not having a break or downtime.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 17:36

Why did you have to get everything ready for nursery? Why couldn’t DH that?

If you both work FT why isn’t everything in the home 50/50?

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 17:37

Does DH know who your DS’s key worker is? His favourite story? His favourite food?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:38

Because he doesn’t really help me with DS, @toomuchlaundry, this is what I’m trying to explain.

But the fact is I am in the marriage now, I have a child, I love being a parent and I would like to have another child.

OP posts:
SnowingInApril · 15/04/2022 17:38

The biggest risk is the second child having a medical condition that means you need to leave your oldest with him while you stay with the youngest, take the youngest to appointments etc.
This happened to me and I don’t know how I would have managed or the impact on my oldest if their Dad had been like this.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:39

He’d be fine left with DH, the difficulty arises if I want a break. I just don’t get one.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 17:42

So if you’re struggling with no break from one kid, how good would it be if you were struggling with no break from two?

pradavilla · 15/04/2022 17:43

If your happy to continue to do 90% and for another child. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with that, I'd just resent him more and more.

2 kids really is a different ball game too. I was shocked going from 1 to 2, seconds was a difficult baby who didn't eat well, sleep well etc. she's a toddler now and she's still hard work 😂

TypicallyTopically · 15/04/2022 17:45

It's obvious you want another one and want us to justify it for you so just do it

Hiroe · 15/04/2022 17:46

Can’t help thinking about the old saying..

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

It’s so true, isn’t it.

Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 17:46

I like ‘its amazing how little it takes to be considered a good dad, and also a shit mum’.

Step1234 · 15/04/2022 17:48

What about the child though? Don't they deserve better than a dad who doesn't want to spend time with them?

Its not actually all about you and you wanting another baby. Its about the child.

At 18 months they're still a piece of cake. Wait till they get to 3-5 years old.