Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

[Blueyellowiris]

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

@AnyFucker

Of course you can have another child. But don’t expect him to change. You will have twice the work, several times the resentment and it is highly likely that your relationship will not last. Crack on, though.

This, plus the fact you'll be spending years teaching your children that it's a woman's job to cook, clean and parent while a man shouldn't have to do those things.

Harmful and setting them up for similarly unequal and unhealthy relationship dynamics as adults themselves.

They'll think women are simply supposed to do 90% of the family life while men do the other 10%. If that.

It’s completely selfish @Blueyellowiris your post is all about what you want. No consideration for bringing another child into a situation where their father is completely disengaged. You might not have know this the first time but you do now yet you don’t care about the impact on the child or the kind of example you and your DH would be setting for your children. Children don’t need to live in an affluent area 🙄 they need love and care from their parents.

Of course, but a lot of those posts seem to be working on the assumption that he literally leaves DS in dirty nappies or similar. And that’s my fault, I haven’t explained very well. But the impact is 100% on me.

No, it absolutely isn't. It impacts on your child who is growing up being taught that it's a woman's job to do 90% of the cooking, cleaning and childcare within a family. You are directly teaching them that.

So to give an example. DS doesn’t sleep well, and he has to be fed to sleep so I do night wakes. But I was (am!) shattered. Asked DH if he’d take DS to nursery last week on one day so I could just sleep (day off) got everything ready, clothes bag etc. and DH did but he let DS come running into the bedroom with some noisy plastic toy, obviously woke me up so no relaxing lie in. Then when he came back was wandering in and out saying ‘oh and when you get up …’

See above. This isn't just stuff that's happening to you, it's stuff that's happening in their home that they will be internalising and normalising - that mums should do 90% of the parenting and caring, AND work FT in your case, while men only have to 'help' when the mum is desperate or there's no other option.

Viewing dads doing the absolute bare minimum when they're specifically asked to as 'helping' rather than as them being shit parents is so damaging.

If a woman engaged with parenting as much as your DH did would you say she was a good mum OP? You should hold a man to the same standard of parenting or you're teaching your children incredibly damaging lessons.

@Organictangerine

OP’s son will benefit from a sibling.

You can't state this as fact. You have no idea if it's true or not.

Anyone bringing another child into this environmental catastrophe we are living in, is crazy in my opinion. Help or no help. Stick at one.

OP’s DS may benefit from a sibling if it is a girl, as they can do all the chores etc just like mum does, whilst DS can do whatever he wants

@Blueyellowiris

Have you considered how much harder it gets beyond the toddler stage

Does it? I mean, that’s 100% a genuine question. Bearing in mind my main issue is lack of sleep.

Yes. Yes it does get harder.

Emotionally, logistically, in all sorts of ways.

And you’ll resent the hell out of your husband. You already do, but it’ll get so much worse.

But it’s a choice you are free to make.

@halfsiesonapotnoodle

Anyone bringing another child into this environmental catastrophe we are living in, is crazy in my opinion. Help or no help. Stick at one.

Do you have children?

Your dc will group up thinking the woman should do everything re household tasks and childcare and wait on their man like a servant. Please don’t have another dc with him. It’s not fair on the dc.

Children don't always benefit from a sibling. My daughter was furious when her brother was born because she wanted a sister and they fought literally from the minute he learned to talk. I tried everything to improve the relationship between them and it never got better. They are adults now and still can't be in the same room without a fight breaking out.

The child you have now would benefit enormously from a father who was engaged and interested in them rather one who viewed them as an intrusion or nuisance. Do you really want another child growing up knowing their father has absolutely no interest in them? Is bad enough he's like that with one child why would you choose to deliberately inflict that on another child?

@toomuchlaundry

OP’s DS may benefit from a sibling if it is a girl, as they can do all the chores etc just like mum does, whilst DS can do whatever he wants

Yes that’s true. When the girl is older she can help her mother clean and cook and ds can chill out with dad and sometimes ‘help out’ in the facilitation of his own life. Then if it is a girl op could have another baby in her happy life since now the girl will be able to be a ‘second parent’ and babysit. Until she gets old enough to find a man, then she can get a ft job and do all the child rearing and housework type of stuff. And her son can go off and find a servant/nanny/wife.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4530857-My-children-are-like-strangers

@NobleYeats1

It’s completely selfish *@Blueyellowiris* your post is all about what you want. No consideration for bringing another child into a situation where their father is completely disengaged. You might not have know this the first time but you do now yet you don’t care about the impact on the child or the kind of example you and your DH would be setting for your children. Children don’t need to live in an affluent area 🙄 they need love and care from their parents.

Completely agree with this, your showing a complete lack of regard for not only your current child but any potential future children. Your already damaging the child you have by the crappy example your setting, without going into what emotional issues your DS may have due to his fathers lack of interest, and your honestly contemplating bringing another innocent child into this shitshow. Quite frankly your attitude is disgusting. Anyone who has grown up with a parent like this can tell you (as they have done on here) how damaging it is for them.

I have an acquaintance in your situation. In 10 years the Dad hasn’t done a single bath time, bed time, nappy, feed, birthday, childcare run, day out, school parents evening. Literally nothing after providing sperm. My acquaintance accepts this and had two children, despite him doing fuck all with DD1. The children know that their Dad is not like other Dads and it’s terrible for them. It also sets a terrible example to them of what to expect in a future partner.
That being said, now the baby years are past, I find having two children easier than one because they play together and are not always demanding my attention. In a few years, you might too. And I love the relationship between my girls. But I’m so sorry for you that you put up with this crap.

No-one can really tell you what you are personally able to put up with in terms of lack of support or involvement from your husband. It's up to you.

For me, and probably many others replying to your post, this sounds really shit. The joy, fun and comfort I have found in my family over the years has been about our unit, the bonds between me and my DH and each of us with our children, which stems directly from the hard work and care and attention we have BOTH put in to raising our kids. I'd find it soul destroying to be with a man who had so little involvement with caring for his children.

What happens when they're at school? Will the school run, homework, ferrying to activities and playdates etc. be all on you? It will be increasingly demanding for you, your children will start to notice eventually and I cannot see how you won't eventually start to resent your position. But as I said, only you can decide if you are happy to be a sole carer.

There are plenty more women on MN who do put up with this sort of arrangement. You only have to read the multiple threads from women who's husbands don't lift a finger and are pretty much checked out of parenting. You're certainly not alone.

While I wouldn’t have another child with a DH like that, it’s pretty clear that you are going to. With that in mind, start planning out how you will get your needs met because you will need to be mentally and physically well enough to take on the entire load. How are your finances? I would be telling your DH that you will be hiring a nanny/sitter one morning or afternoon each weekend so that you can have some uninterrupted time. I would also be arranging a cleaner and meal company, so your DS doesn’t grow up just seeing mum work her arse off, while the man lazes about.
If you are going to go ahead with another child, just have a solid plan to avoid exhaustion and burnout, or the impacts on the children will be tenfold.

No - most men are not like that, and I'm amazed that some people think they are. I literally don't know a single couple where the man isn't a good dad who shares the workload. Genuinely.

And yes - the baby / toddlers years are not the hardest parenting years. OK they may be in terms of sleep. But in terms of running around after them / dealing with behaviour issues / keeping up with what's happening at school etc / dealing with exam stress and decisions about higher education, broken hearts etc - the issues are very different but much more serious as they get older. Life is very simple when you know where they are all the time! You said you think he'll be a good dad by then - what is it that makes you think that? (although they will always naturally go to you, not him, because he's shown he isn't that interested early on).

I feel for you, as you really really want another child. But I wouldn't ever recomment having a child who isn't wanted by one parent (or is it that he does want another child, just to be responsible for them?).

*just not to be responsible for them

Of course, but a lot of those posts seem to be working on the assumption that he literally leaves DS in dirty nappies or similar

No the majority of us who grew up with father's like your husband have warned of the emotional neglect not the extreme physical neglect you are describing in that example. And it really isn't common for dad's to be so uninvolved.

However what you've said as examples is he doesn't parent how you would and your ds would get more ice cream and screen time with him so I don't know if you're trying to minimize it or your actually a bit of a control freak who wants to be the martyr and isn't actually letting him have the chance to parent. If you keep taking over and/or criticizing he is going to step back.

I see where you are coming from OP, I'd say go for it. In for a penny, in for a pound at this point. You are going in to it with your eyes open.

I am in no way defending your DHs behaviour as I think he should improve. But you are right in saying that a calm, happy, supportive, affluent household with two parents that get on well and a lovely sibling is hardly some hell hole to grow up in.

As for having two kids - yes it's obviously more work but not in every aspect. Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one, same with making lunch for two, taking two to day care. Plus they play together. Of course anything can happen that can make it harder - disabilities etc. That's true for anyone who has a child.

If possible, use money to get a break when you need. Pay a babysitter, use a gym with a creche, extra 1/2 day at day care, etc.

For me, having two is much harder than one and at times I do question why we had another child (Ds is lovely and don’t regret him in the slightest) but life would have been a breeze right now with just the one to worry about.

2 different school drop offs, different clubs, different play dates, etc my dh does help a bit with these but not as much as I would like and I’d built up huge resentment between us.

I think your relationship will be full of resentment if you don't have another child because your husband is a bit crap! So I'd rather have the baby and resent him for not parenting much than miss out and resent him for that.

@LimeSegment I see where you are coming from OP, I'd say go for it. In for a penny, in for a pound at this point. You are going in to it with your eyes open.

Are you serious?? OP’s ds is already at risk of growing up to be a man who treats women like servants, just like his dad. You’re advising OP to bring another innocent child into this world to observe and learn from a toxic relationship?? Dc learn from early “role models” which help shape their future romantic relationships. In this case, one member of the couple has to wait hand and foot on their “d”p.

OP needs to leave. If they’ve separated then her ex will have to step up with the household tasks and childcare if he lives alone. He will not change.

ExH had the kids every other weekend and half the holidays. Divorced when they were 2&3. 15 month age gap. Frankly it was perfect. 4 nights off a month was 4 more than I'd ever had before. I got to travel solo. Every day was an adventure and I was the leader of our team. Personally I'd get pregnant and divorce.

Taking two kids to the park is the same effort as taking one, same with making lunch for two, taking two to day care. Plus they play together.

Hmm. But even in this limited example - two at the park when they’re baby/toddler is infinitely more work than just baby/just toddler. Making lunch for two - double the food issues/preferences and if their father isn’t invested in a good diet then it’s all on OP to model that and provide that and not be the fun one who ‘treats’ them. Taking two to daycare was definitely one of the more stressful times of my working life so far - financially and logistically, whether because they’re in different provision for their ages or the childminder couldn’t have both under ratios or the school run added a layer of complexity to working hours when considering pickups…

If you both work FT you either need to throw money at it, so be able to afford as much good-quality help as humanly possible, have an extremely supportive family network who can step in or be in a really strong equal partnership where both parents are committed to the same standards and work well together.

How are you finances, OP? Do you have a supportive family to step in to help?