Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:34

Money isn’t everything. The love of a dad who will automatically do story time, play with, talk to, interact with their DC (without having to be told to) is worth a lot more than living in an affluent area. Do you think your DC would appreciate time with his dad today or the area you live in?

Mrsjayy · 15/04/2022 16:34

That's a shame your toddler has a dad that isn't interested in their lives I find that quite sad really, however if you want another baby and you are prepared to do it all then go ahead you seem resigned to the fact he won't take an interest.

Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 16:36

@toomuchlaundry

Money isn’t everything. The love of a dad who will automatically do story time, play with, talk to, interact with their DC (without having to be told to) is worth a lot more than living in an affluent area. Do you think your DC would appreciate time with his dad today or the area you live in?
It’s also a lot easier to be an involved parent when they’re little, portable and cute. It’s a different story when they’re older and need support and guidance in so many different ways. If he can’t do it now, he’ll be a total stranger to them when they’re older.
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:37

I assume people wouldn’t be encouraging OP to have another baby if she was the parent who couldn’t be bothered to parent, why do we accept so low bars for dads. It’s not fair for the children

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:38

@Pumperthepumper he will probably just end being someone they ask for money from

GoFishandChips · 15/04/2022 16:39

OP you've posted this because you are unsure about it, were you only thinking from your own point of view as in the impact on you and not the future and existing children? Personally I'd much rather have been born than not but I do think you need to be aware of the psychological impact of an emotionally uninvolved father on a child (and emotional means more than just paying for stuff and concern about basic needs, it means engaging with them on a consistent level and showing an interest in their lives)

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2022 16:42

@Pumperthepumper

I don’t think it’s fair on the kid to have a dad who doesn’t give a shit about their basic care. So for that reason I’d say don’t do it.
Absolutely this, all day long. Fine to not want better for yourself but don’t have more kids when it means giving them such a disengaged uncaring dad. They deserve better.
Calmdown14 · 15/04/2022 16:42

If you want another child then do it while you have the chance.
After being unsure for a long time, the thing that swayed me was not wanting DS to be on his own in life. I really value having a sibling when it comes to family issues and I adore my nieces and nephews.
It will be a hard couple of years but you sound prepared to deal with that. Once past about two having more than one is easier as they have a play mate

veggiemonster · 15/04/2022 16:46

One of my friends was in the same situation. Her ‘D’H did absolutely fuck all around the house or with their one DC that they had. They also had very severe relationship issues because of this.

A few years after the first they ‘accidentally’ Hmm conceived another child.

Now there’s two kids that think that mummy and daddy screaming at each other and changing the locks is normal and that mummy doing absolutely everything for daddy is completely normal. They will model this behaviour at some point in the future.

We’re not friends anymore for various reasons but I got a bit bored of her constantly complaining about her shit DH when she chose to remain and stay in the relationship and have another baby despite everyone’s support (emotionally and financially) to leave and make a better life of it.

Parker231 · 15/04/2022 16:48

I would be concerned about a father who didn’t want to parent his own child.

Why isn’t he involved in caring for your DS?

Maxiedog123 · 15/04/2022 16:50

I was in a similar situation. Had the second child with a 2 year gap. Second child is significantly disabled. Had minimal help from. Husband in his care and there were several difficult years, survived bit have never really forgiven husband.
The one who really suffered though was the older child.

Firelogbridge · 15/04/2022 16:50

I have one dc. To me one is easy, I knew we'd only have one for my medical reasons so I loved doing it all! Dh did most of housework and worked full time whilst I worked part time. I did a doctorate when dc was 4 and that was a shock to his system lol and he had to take over lots of the roles I previously did- which he did very well. He didn't do things his I would (not as strict on routine/ food etc- but that's ok. I tried not to be anal).

I honestly couldn't bring a child into a marriage where I had to do 90% of everything whilst working ft. The resentment would ruin our marriage as I wouldn't be able to contain it. Btw dc10 is an amazing child who doesn't want or need a sibling. I did feel guilty for a while as I knew I'd never be able to give them that but it's worked out great!

Toloveandtowork · 15/04/2022 16:55

I will add that two is way harder than one. More than you think and multiply it.
If I knew then what I know now, no way would I have a second one.

tkwal · 15/04/2022 16:56

If you're already aware of what he's like you you decide to have another child with him you're aware that he won't be much use or support to you. When child #2 is born will he be capable of looking after your son ? Or will you have to organise help ? A 2-3year old can be a lot of work even without taking the needs of a newborn into consideration. Be honest with yourself before you make the decision.

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:00

I think if you do you should go into it t cheerfully - you’re lucky since many women don’t know what they’re getting into and you do. So ‘I’m happy to be with a man who has no care for his children. I’m happy for my kids to have a dad who doesn’t take any interest in them. I will do everything all myself, I’m happy to be the family servant.’

What I wouldn’t do is have another baby then moan and martyr that it’s all left to you and it’s so hard, or that your kids are sad because daddy ignores them or that your husband doesn’t do the basic role of parenting. That’s the decision you’ve made.

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:02

I would also (I know nobody wants to consider this but unfortunately it happens) think ‘I’ll be happy to care for a disabled or sen child all by myself while also caring for my other child.

My son is autistic and had some really challenging behaviours as a toddler - still does now really. The only way my other children didn’t fall by the wayside is that I had a strong and involved partner. We would divide and conquer, I would take ds somewhere he could cope with and DH would take the other three somewhere ds wouldn’t tolerate so they could still access childhood experiences and have time where they were the focus and not their brother.

If you had a child with extra needs your older child would be pushed aside and pushed out while you tried to care for the younger one single handed and your husband watched.

ToryWantsBorisOut · 15/04/2022 17:03

Your child will either grow up disliking their Father and resenting you for enabling his behaviour, or they'll grow up to be like their Father and model that behaviour to their own children. Neither sounds great.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 17:03

My DH worked away a lot when my kids were small, and when he was home he was tired from working 🙄
So I’d say, if you want another, do it and carry on doing everything.

Hiroe · 15/04/2022 17:10

What would he do if you actually sat him down and said to him what you’ve said here op? That he HAS to step up and be a more involved father, not for your sake but for the children? Would he even get it? Have you ever done it?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 17:12

He just wouldn’t get it.

@veggiemonster but we never scream at each other, ever. It’s a happy and harmonious household.

OP posts:
ToryWantsBorisOut · 15/04/2022 17:12

Oh and I also know a family where the older child ended up terribly damaged in a situation where the Father was disinterested and the Mother was consumed by looking after the needs of the younger child (who had an undiagnosed genetic condition). Sadly the Mother carries an awful lot of guilt now and the Father is still useless (and should be the one who feels guilty, but doesn't)

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 17:15

@Blueyellowiris

He just wouldn’t get it.

@veggiemonster but we never scream at each other, ever. It’s a happy and harmonious household.

You don't sound happy
Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 17:18

@Hiroe

What would he do if you actually sat him down and said to him what you’ve said here op? That he HAS to step up and be a more involved father, not for your sake but for the children? Would he even get it? Have you ever done it?
But he does get it. He’s aware that OP does all the care, how could he not be?
ChristmasTreeGorgeous · 15/04/2022 17:18

You are clearly very happy being a Mother. Please have your second child. No-one knows what the future holds.

Kanaloa · 15/04/2022 17:21

@Blueyellowiris

He just wouldn’t get it.

@veggiemonster but we never scream at each other, ever. It’s a happy and harmonious household.

Harmonious means ‘in harmony.’ If you’re saying ‘please please help me’ and he’s laying around scratching his balls like a 13 year old you’re not in harmony, you’re disharmonious.