Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

209 replies

Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 15:11

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 15/04/2022 16:13

Hmmm. I wouldn’t. If you or your child suddenly need help for some reason (ill health etc) you won’t be grateful for having added another child into the mix if your dh seriously can’t step up.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/04/2022 16:14

Have you talked to your DH about this? What if you were sick? In hospital? Wanted to go out without your 18 month old? Are you a SAHM?

StanleyGreen · 15/04/2022 16:15

Have you considered how very selfish you're being? Yes YOU may want another child, but how much consideration are you giving to how this child will feel? Probably none. It's no fun for anyone knowing their parent doesn't give a shit about them or want them.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:15

Nothing happens really. He doesn’t totally ignore DS or anything - he doesn’t parent in the way I would personally but that’s not really the issue. It’s more the fact he doesn’t really help me.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 15/04/2022 16:17

How much of a financial hit have you taken to have your child?

Earnings, career progression, pension.....

How would this play out if you had another?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:18

Not a huge amount to be honest. I have continued to work FT. I’m not interested in progressing career wise, that’s actually one thing I’m really grateful for as I don’t feel I should have to now.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:18

So what does he if left with DS? How does he interact with him? What would he say if you told him you wanted him to do bath/bedtime twice a week for a start?

Is he working today? If not, what has he done with you/DS?

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:19

So you work FT and you are expected to do everything? Does he do anything around the house eg cook?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:20

If he’s left with DS it’s fine really. Like I say he does not parent as I would. But generally if I’m around he leaves it to me. Today he’s just mostly done his own thing and clearly just assumed I’m fine with DS and this is fairly typical.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:20

He does clean the house, sometimes. It’s more parenting / a break I need help with.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:21

Do you want your DS to grow up thinking this is what men are like, what a good dad looks like?

Who is cooking dinner today?

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:22

So have a break. Go out for the day and leave him with DS. Do you get any time to yourself?

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:24

No one, probably get a pizza later.

The thing is @toomuchlaundry I can’t put DS back and tbh the firing questions at me feels like I’m on trial at the old Bailey when I’m posting pondering having another baby.

My life isn’t awful and there is a lot of happiness I feel associated with motherhood but all the same it is tiring and it would be good to get a break sometimes. I have to accept that this won’t happen with DH. But I do desperately want another child, maybe as some have said that is selfish but I also know the child would be luckier than 90% of children born on the same day as them. It’s really me it impacts.

OP posts:
LovelyYellowLabrador · 15/04/2022 16:25

Don’t do it op
Expect more

Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 16:25

I don’t think it’s fair on the kid to have a dad who doesn’t give a shit about their basic care. So for that reason I’d say don’t do it.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:27

No it impacts your child too if he is not stepping up as a dad. Why is your child luckier than 90% of other children born on the same day?

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2022 16:27

As long as you don't complain that he leaves you to do practically everything for 2 children because you will have gone ahead knowing that would be the case.

If you want another child and he does too or at least doesn't care as long as it doesn't affect him too much and you understand that you're pretty much on your own with them for the next 18 years then why not? 🤷‍♀️

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 16:28

Kind of in same boat here !
I haven’t once had a lie in or not done a night wake up in the 7 months since dS was born . But DH is always happy to kiss and cuddle him, he takes him for walks sometimes but I do 90%. One think DH does is the washing. Which is the thing I hate .
If DH ever takes DS to see someone , I’ll have dressed DS , Made his milk , packed milk , clothes , nappies and wipes and food and snacks .
I’ll tell DH what needs to happen!

Once DH said to me that he was tired as he had to look after DS a lot one evening ! Hahaah ! As if he babysits his own son.

I want another baby and know DH won’t do anymore but I don’t care because I want another baby !!!!
So I’ll have one .

Herecomesthesun2022 · 15/04/2022 16:29

If you do have another I would strongly advise at least a 3 year gap. If the bigger one is a bit more independent then that might help you cope with 2 if DH doesn’t do a lot

GoFishandChips · 15/04/2022 16:29

It’s really me it impacts.

It's really not! It's the children who suffer from parental neglect however benign it is.

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:30

Why is your child luckier than 90% of other children born on the same day

For starters, he or she will be born in a developed country with access to education, transport, healthcare, food and warmth.

To narrow it down further, he or she will be born to educated parents with a good income, a secure home in an affluent area.

I could go on but you get the idea.

No one said that DH didn’t give a shit about his basic care.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2022 16:31

I feel sorry for children who have shit dads, it’s not fair to knowingly give a child a shit dad

Original poster
Blueyellowiris · 15/04/2022 16:32

I really think people have misunderstood.

If I leave DS with DH for the day, he might watch more TV than I’d allow, have the dummy, eat chocolate and ice cream more than I’d want and so on.

But it I don’t - if I’m there, it falls to me.

No one is saying DS is ritually starved or left in a cot with a dirty nappy.

OP posts:
bigyellowTpot · 15/04/2022 16:32

I grew up with a rubbish, uninvolved dad even though he lived with us. I remember feeling jealous of friends who's dad's were involved and did things with them. my dad just wanted to be out of the house and at the pub or elsewhere he had no interest in kids at all.
I have no happy memories of dad doing anything with me. my parents split and divorced when I was around 13, I can honestly say I was happier without him there and wished they would've split up much soon. I remember I used to ask my mum why she had me when he was already a rubbish dad to my older sibling. please don't have another dc with this man as it does hurt to be a child of a man like that.

Pumperthepumper · 15/04/2022 16:33

@Blueyellowiris

I really think people have misunderstood.

If I leave DS with DH for the day, he might watch more TV than I’d allow, have the dummy, eat chocolate and ice cream more than I’d want and so on.

But it I don’t - if I’m there, it falls to me.

No one is saying DS is ritually starved or left in a cot with a dirty nappy.

You said this though:

I’m responsible for nursery, eating, sleeping, dressing, nappies, entertainment etc. if we go somewhere I’m responsible for making sure DS has everything he needs, I don’t get any peace.

How does he meet his kids basic needs then?