Having another baby with a man who leaves 90% of the childcare down to me

[Blueyellowiris]

I’ve always loved children and having a baby has been a dream come true but it has been really hard.

DS is now nearly 18 months and I want another.

DH isn’t unkind or abusive or cruel but he’s not the most involved dad and pretty much everything falls onto me. But since that’s the case anyway, does it really mean I shouldn’t have another child?

Women need to take responsibility and try and provide a decent dad for their DC

Sort of but I don’t see why they should miss out on having children because men who truly pull their weight (and aren’t severely lacking in any other area) are rare as hens teeth

@Blueyellowiris

What I need more than anything is just sleep, to be honest.

OP I've got an almost 3 year old and a 7 month old. I haven't had a full nights sleep in more than 3 years - because don't forget sleep during the later stages of pregnancy is fucking horrible.

What happens if you get really bad morning sickness or whatever? Do you think you could muddle through with a toddler and a horrible pregnancy?

The thing is, and I know you are going to say that I am stating the obvious, those children will be solely looking to you for the next 18 years. Yes, you get more sleep, but the rest of the drudgery is still there. You will be doing the running around to extra-curricular clubs, sleepovers and then pubs, clubs etc. You describe yourself as older- so could be anything from 35-45 I guess- do you want to be doing this on your own in nearly 20 years while your DH enjoys his middle-age pottering around doing his own thing?

Another selfish women wanting to have a another child with someone who isn't good enough to parent one child let alone more. Honestly, raise the bar!
What is wrong with you, consider the children. I say this as a person who has a shit dad because my mother wanted children. I look at friends with amazing parents and wish I had that!

@Blueyellowiris

What I need more than anything is just sleep, to be honest.

Mumsnet won’t like this, but you need to stop feeding to sleep. If you look back over the ‘my toddler is a terrible sleeper’ threads, they’re always fed to sleep and throughout the night (or nearly always). But that’s not what you asked I suppose!

@Keepitrealnomists

Another selfish women wanting to have a another child with someone who isn't good enough to parent one child let alone more. Honestly, raise the bar! What is wrong with you, consider the children. I say this as a person who has a shit dad because my mother wanted children. I look at friends with amazing parents and wish I had that!

OP’s son will benefit from a sibling.

What if the second baby has additional needs? What it you are injured giving birth. What if you die giving birth? Would he cope with 2 on his own? What if you just plain get PPD? Life with a toddler and a newborn even neurotypical ones is hard going.

Why not work on yourself first. Go get some therapy and some self esteem. The way you describe yourself is so sad. Being raised by a mother who doesn't value herself and a disinterested father who doesn't love the mother is hardly a recipe for a happy childhood.

I wouldn’t necessarily discount it but going part time will make it easier.
Will he take dc out? Will he read to dcs?
It sounds like you’ll be able to leave dc at home and go out by yourself from time to time so you can still get time for yourself.

How will having another baby help you to get more sleep?

I did OP.. DH worked long hours six days a week.

It was hard as I have no other family support but I loved it when my two were little - I took over 2 years off work and we were a solid gang, built my confidence doing everything for two. The nights were very hard though.

However something switched when eldest started school and suddenly DH was there every morning and back in time for bedtime and we're now 8 and 10 years on almost equal it feels in terms of work we do for the family.

I think those early baby days and nights are just very very hard and looking in from a distance DH didn't get it. Yes i was tired but I was at home all day etc.

I'd say you might regret your marriage but you won't regret your children and going in with open eyes is something.

When they’re older it’s actually much less work having two than it is trying to amuse an only child.

How is this true? Yeah they MIGHT play together sometimes, but they might also fight like cat and dog most of the time leaving OP even more exhausted. It's also double the amount of homework, double the amount of after school activities, double the amount to get ready in the morning for school.

OP son wont know any different, lots of people don't get on with siblings so to say they will benefit from having a sibling BS and another way to justify a selfish decision

@Organictangerine - A sibling is not a guaranteed benefit to an existing child. There’s many, many threads on Mumsnet from people who at best never got along with their sibling(s) or at worst the sibling relationships had a massively negative impact on their life.

If the kids get along that’s great but if they don’t and are bickering constantly or don’t enjoy spending time together it can create extra pressure.

[quote PriestessofPing]@Organictangerine - A sibling is not a guaranteed benefit to an existing child. There’s many, many threads on Mumsnet from people who at best never got along with their sibling(s) or at worst the sibling relationships had a massively negative impact on their life.

If the kids get along that’s great but if they don’t and are bickering constantly or don’t enjoy spending time together it can create extra pressure.[/quote]
Being an only child isn’t a guaranteed benefit either. It’s all a gamble, but statistically the most likely outcome is that OP would have a healthy baby and her kids would get along fine.

@Blueyellowiris

He does clean, and cook sometimes. It’s purely relayed to childcare / not having a break or downtime.

So does he want more children?

OP it sucks but honestly in real life, most men are like yours. I’ve never met any dad who does his share. Not saying that’s ok, it’s just unpleasant watching other posters tell you that you ‘picked a dud’ and ‘not to come back moaning’ when it’s such a common situation

To be honest this is largely my experience amongst most of my friends.

@Neverreturntoathread

Amazing how many women on here seem to have perfect husbands 👀

OP it sucks but honestly in real life, most men are like yours. I’ve never met any dad who does his share. Not saying that’s ok, it’s just unpleasant watching other posters tell you that you ‘picked a dud’ and ‘not to come back moaning’ when it’s such a common situation.

If you want another child, have another child. When they’re older it’s actually much less work having two than it is trying to amuse an only child. You’re going into it with your eyes open this time, so you may not be quite as disappointed with DH lack of parenting. If family finances can afford it hire in as much help as possible - I know someone who has 5 kids plus a DH like yours, but on the bright side they have a cleaner 3x a week plus a nanny and she doesn’t work. She’s still very tired but it’s manageable. So cleaner + childcare help if you can! Marriage counselling be worth a shot too, but everyone I know who tried it said it made the marriage less happy 😱 haven’t tried it myself.

That's you.

I don't know anyone, even if the split isn't 50/50 whose husband/partner is as shit as the OP's

My DH was NOTHING like that

@Blueyellowiris

It isn’t that I am not listening, it is that people aren’t telling me stuff I don’t ready know.

Yes, I know he could and should do a lot more. But he doesn’t.

But I still (understandably!) want a happy life and part of that, a HUGE part, is children and a family.

So basically, you're going into it with your eyes wide open? Have you considered how much harder it gets beyond the toddler stage?

Working full time, nursery drop off for a baby, school drop off when eldest starts school, taking time off when they're ill, 18years of holidays where you do all the running around and don't relax, plus the prep and packing for that, getting up with sick kids when you're ill too, parents evenings and 2 lots of spellings and homework, packed lunches and school bags, after school activities and running them to them and play dates, having school friends over, birthday parties (your kids and their friends) and buying the presents, emotional support, sibling arguments, the list continues.

You're really not thinking this through, it's way more than "I want another baby" and it's not just now - it's the next 18 years that you're signing up to potentially be a doormat. Ask yourself if you're happy with that and won't ever feel resentment.

@Organictangerine - Agreed about a healthy baby, but i am pretty sceptical any decent statistical research exists to say siblings generally get along. My understanding is sibling relationships are not massively well-researched in general.

It is a gamble though, maybe an only child wouldn’t like being so. My point is you can’t just assume existing kids will benefit from having a sibling, there’s way too many variables.

I know a couple of women whose partners are useless Dads. But most of the women I know have partners who are involved Dads who care about their children & do their best. Maybe we joke about them forgetting to pack all the stuff for the kids on a day out (or whatever) and maybe quite a few of my female friends do a little more overall - but I'm talking 60/40 not 100/0. An uninvolved dad is not normal in 2022, and anyone who thinks it is, is part of the problem.

It sounds like he is a shit husband rather than a shit father. You'll be back on here in a few years complaining about being burnt out. People will tell you he's a waste of space and you should LTB. Others will ask why you had more children knowing he was like this.

So it's between you and your conscience if you are happy to bring more children into this situation knowing that is the future.

@PriestessofPing I don’t think such research exists. When deciding whether to have another, the thing that tipped me into the ‘yes’ camp was reading a thread on here which was along the lines of ‘if you are an only child do you wish you had a sibling’. Most said yes, some of the responses were very poignant and said they would’ve liked a sibling even if they hadn’t got along really well.

Have you considered how much harder it gets beyond the toddler stage

Does it? I mean, that’s 100% a genuine question. Bearing in mind my main issue is lack of sleep.

I would not do it, but then while I love DD, I also love the rest of my life. I am not willing to be sleep deprived and never get a break. It is not my experience that most of my friends have husbands like yours. Mine probably does the most but others regularly take both DC camping solo etc so mum gets 1-2 nights at home alone every few months and regular divide and conquer day to day. All mums highly educated & with careers. If you’re happy with your life being significantly harder than it currently is (no breaks while pregnant, nighttime duties for 2 children etc) then go for it, personally it sounds like hell.

Men who are good dads are not rare. Certainly not in my circle of friends all the men stepped up, maybe not the full 50/50 but many of my mum friends worked PT when DC were small. One dad was very much like OP’s DH and he stood out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the dad’s.

You shouldn’t be accepting this @Blueyellowiris, both for your sake and your DCs, especially as you have a DS. You don’t want him growing up to be as useless as your DH, and if you have a girl she shouldn’t grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to be if she ends up having a male partner