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Original poster

Daughter suddenly wants abortion

221 replies

Louismayy · 06/04/2022 19:48

Dd ex has gotten into her head regarding abortion… she’s officially 18 weeks and has doubts about the pregnancy but has also shown much interest into being the best mum she can possibly be she’s about to turn 22 so she’s really young and still has a whole life ahead of her. She was having this mentality of I can do everything I’ll meet a guy who wants both of us now she thinks she’s at a massive disadvantage after speaking to him she seems to think she will only meet less good quality men… I don’t know what he’s done to her but she wants a termination. He in my opinion is a narcissist and very manipulative individual who is using her fears and insecurities against her. He was very verbally abusive to her he was also very good at playing mind games with her and getting every penny he can from her… her situation isn’t ideal with five of us living in a two bedroom house and now to be six but we had sorted how we could make the situation work. She’s now speaking on it’s going to ruin her education and she won’t have a penny to herself. It was just this sudden click after him speaking to her for over two hours and I can’t help but feel he’s done something to her head.

OP posts:
ilovemyboys3 · 06/04/2022 19:53

Sounds like she's panicking as the pregnancy is now becoming a reality. In my opinion it is far too late for an abortion if she's already 18 weeks. Presumably she has her scan is a couple of weeks and she will see the baby again, maybe they will help her bond with the baby.
She perhaps needs reassurance that she isn't on her own and that her mum will help her get through the hard times. Good luck x

MsPavlichenko · 06/04/2022 20:01

ilovemyboys3, your opinion is of no consequence here. It’s up to the woman concerned.

Best to keep listening, and encourage her to speak to a counsellor (even by telephone) if she can. After that she’ll need your support whatever she chooses to do.

duvetdayforeveryone · 06/04/2022 20:09

I agree with @ilovemyboys3. I agree that at 18 weeks it is too far gone to have an abortion.
I agree if the mum's life is at risk then an abortion is needed, but your daughter's life is not at risk.

whumpthereitis · 06/04/2022 20:10

You say she’s had doubts…has she actually been listened to here? Or has everyone been excited about her having a baby and overlooked how she actually feels about it?

Don’t tell her what to do one way or another. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, she’s still within the legal time limit for an abortion and it has to be her choice. Listen to her, and support her to do what she wants to do, not what you, her ex, or anyone else wants her to do.

whumpthereitis · 06/04/2022 20:13

@duvetdayforeveryone

I agree with *@ilovemyboys3*. I agree that at 18 weeks it is too far gone to have an abortion. I agree if the mum's life is at risk then an abortion is needed, but your daughter's life is not at risk.
Then don’t have one at 18 weeks.

She’s within the legal limit, and she absolutely can, and should, have an abortion if she decides it’s the right thing to do for herself. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

Darbs76 · 06/04/2022 20:14

I’d encourage her to look at alternative options at 18wks. Of course her decision, and I’d 100% support a termination earlier. But I think given how far she is (of course still under the legal limit) I’d discuss with her that there are other options.

PaperDoves · 06/04/2022 20:14

If she were my daughter, I would encourage her to take a day or two to just sit with her feelings without any pressure from anyone in any direction, so she can clear her head and decide what she really wants. She may genuinely want an abortion, or to keep the baby, but she needs to sit with her feelings and let them guide her.

Babdoc · 06/04/2022 20:15

It is not too late. Termination is legal in the UK up to 24 weeks, and to full term if the mother’s life is at risk.
Nobody should be making this decision except your DD herself, whether to continue or to terminate. It is her body, and her fetus.
She should perhaps discuss it with a counsellor to clarify her feelings, but neither OP nor the ex should be trying to influence her.

ColdSeptember · 06/04/2022 20:15

@duvetdayforeveryone

I agree with *@ilovemyboys3*. I agree that at 18 weeks it is too far gone to have an abortion. I agree if the mum's life is at risk then an abortion is needed, but your daughter's life is not at risk.
It's still perfectly legal isn't it? In which case, she can. It doesn't sound like she's in a good place to be having a baby and it's probably for the best that she doesn't bring one into such fraught circumstances
Luredbyapomegranate · 06/04/2022 20:17

I sounds like she might have been rail roaded in other direction previous to this. 5 people and a baby in a 2 bed is totally impractical, and, unless you are really prepared to take the baby, then it is likely going to have a pretty severe impact on her life chances.

Either way it is up to her. She needs to book an appt with GP or women’s health clinic asap, have a counselling session to talk it through and make her decision.

Your job is to support her not try and influence her.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 06/04/2022 20:17

Don’t tell her what to do one way or another. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, she’s still within the legal time limit for an abortion and it has to be her choice.

This. Let's save the judgement for people who aren't vulnerable shall we?

Op there's an AMA just started that you might find helpful , but the abortion providers really do do their best to ensure women make the choice right for them. any hint that someone might be under duress they initiate safe guarding.

There's a big backlog for these services though so she needs to ring now in order to get the ball rolling and understand that they will offer her the first available appointment, even if it means she has to travel a few miles or wait a week.

NeverSayNeverAgainMaybe · 06/04/2022 20:18

I agree with the PP who said she needs to talk to a trained counsellor. This is the rest of her life, either way. She'll either have a baby to look after, or no baby but a huge life decision to come to terms with. This is bigger than you can help her with. She needs a qualified, neutral professional.

And the ex sounds like an absolute treat - not. Does she need to keep seeing him since he's an ex? It doesn't sound like a positive relationship for her either way

Sadnesser · 06/04/2022 20:18

Legally she can have an abortion and if SHE wants an abortion then that’s what she should do. I’m worried though about the change in mind this far into a pregnancy. If it’s not genuinely her decision it could be devastating for her further down the line. Can you access some unbiased counselling for her?

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2022 20:18

It's not too late at all. Whether any poster on here would have an abortion at 18 weeks is not relevant. It's up to what the OP's daughter wants to do.

I would advise her to speak to a pregnancy advice service to talk through her feelings and options.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/04/2022 20:18

@duvetdayforeveryone

I agree with *@ilovemyboys3*. I agree that at 18 weeks it is too far gone to have an abortion. I agree if the mum's life is at risk then an abortion is needed, but your daughter's life is not at risk.
@duvetdayforeveryone

Are you offering free babysitting then?

Soubriquet · 06/04/2022 20:19

I would sit her down and tell her to take a couple of days to think about it.

Make sure it’s what she really wants.

If she still does, then help her find somewhere to do it.

She’s still within the legal limit.

Querty123456 · 06/04/2022 20:21

100% agree it’s her choice, she needs do what’s best for her. She should perhaps research what abortion at 18 weeks will be like though, so she’s prepared mentally for what she would need to go through.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 06/04/2022 20:22

She needs someone to listen to her.

It sounds like you're excited and have found a way to fit an extra person into an overcrowded house, so you aren't listening. Her ex wants her to have an abortion and is pushing her so he isn't listening either.

Help her access someone impartial for counselling, she has a few weeks to decide yet, although if she is having an abortion at this stage, the sooner the better for her.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 06/04/2022 20:23

Are you offering free babysitting then?

Of course not, these people only offer judgements.

titchy · 06/04/2022 20:23

@Darbs76

I’d encourage her to look at alternative options at 18wks. Of course her decision, and I’d 100% support a termination earlier. But I think given how far she is (of course still under the legal limit) I’d discuss with her that there are other options.
Wow great parent you'd be - support for a termination conditional on the timing Hmm

So what 12 weeks and full support. 13 weeks and nada? FFS.

OP she has several weeks until she has run out of time. The decision is entirely hers. Not her ex's, your ex's, yours or anyone else's. She needs to phone one of the helplines, BPAS, Marie Stopes etc and talk to someone impartial who can help her come to a decision that she is comfortable with.

It sounds like no one has really done this - just got swept up in it all.

maekadays · 06/04/2022 20:26

OP, I've my DC was born and is healthy. Born before the abortion 'cut off' of 24 weeks. Guess what though? I'm 100% pro choice

Your daughter's body, her decision. Nobody else's.

Unless of course they're willing to carry her baby for her, and remove it's DNA so it has no ethical dilemma of connection to your daughter. Which isn't possible. So guess what? They don't get a say

Notwithittoday · 06/04/2022 20:27

I think the trauma of an abortion at 18 weeks ( and let’s face it with the way things are it’ll take a couple of weeks to sort so she’ll be more like 20+ weeks) will be awful for her, especially if she had at any point previously wanted the baby. I would be supportive but clear about the reality of this

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 06/04/2022 20:27

Her body, her choice. Support her in whatever she decides to do. Severing all ties with this Prince among men is probably a good thing instead of being linked for the next 18 yrs.

SockFluffInTheBath · 06/04/2022 20:28

@whumpthereitis

You say she’s had doubts…has she actually been listened to here? Or has everyone been excited about her having a baby and overlooked how she actually feels about it?

Don’t tell her what to do one way or another. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, she’s still within the legal time limit for an abortion and it has to be her choice. Listen to her, and support her to do what she wants to do, not what you, her ex, or anyone else wants her to do.

This. OP Flowers
maekadays · 06/04/2022 20:28

@Notwithittoday

I think the trauma of an abortion at 18 weeks ( and let’s face it with the way things are it’ll take a couple of weeks to sort so she’ll be more like 20+ weeks) will be awful for her, especially if she had at any point previously wanted the baby. I would be supportive but clear about the reality of this

How can the OP be clear about the reality of something when she doesn't know the full, actual facts of the procedure options?