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Original poster

Daughter suddenly wants abortion

221 replies

Louismayy · 06/04/2022 19:48

Dd ex has gotten into her head regarding abortion… she’s officially 18 weeks and has doubts about the pregnancy but has also shown much interest into being the best mum she can possibly be she’s about to turn 22 so she’s really young and still has a whole life ahead of her. She was having this mentality of I can do everything I’ll meet a guy who wants both of us now she thinks she’s at a massive disadvantage after speaking to him she seems to think she will only meet less good quality men… I don’t know what he’s done to her but she wants a termination. He in my opinion is a narcissist and very manipulative individual who is using her fears and insecurities against her. He was very verbally abusive to her he was also very good at playing mind games with her and getting every penny he can from her… her situation isn’t ideal with five of us living in a two bedroom house and now to be six but we had sorted how we could make the situation work. She’s now speaking on it’s going to ruin her education and she won’t have a penny to herself. It was just this sudden click after him speaking to her for over two hours and I can’t help but feel he’s done something to her head.

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 07/04/2022 12:54

@Louismayy have you managed to book an appointment with a counsellor for her?

ugifletzet · 07/04/2022 13:05

@louismayy Are you keen for your daughter to have the baby because it's what she wants, or is it because you want a grandchild? I think you need to be honest about your motivations here. I was in an abusive relationship and it was very hard for me to break out of the frightened people-pleasing mentality I'd developed around my abuser - I used to put all my own wants to the side to keep him from getting aggressive with me and unfortunately this became a pattern in how I dealt with other people too. This is a very common pattern for abuse victims. If your daughter has her ex pressing her to terminate and you encouraging her to have the baby, she's likely to feel like the rope in a tug of war - helpless and pulled in all directions. You need to be giving her the message that you will support her and be there for her whatever she decides. You mustn't allow your own enthusiasm about the baby to take over. Counselling is a good idea. She needs a neutral non-judgemental space where she can explore what's right for her.

Lubeyboobyalt · 07/04/2022 13:16

could you spend a few days with her and teach her about abusive types? I recommend the book 'Psychopath Free' by Jackson McKenzie, it covers all abusive types, not just psychopaths

I'm just thinking I am all for her right to terminate if she wants to, but if theres any chance the decision has come from abuse I'd do everything in my power to educate her first and take a little time be absolutely sure from her own mind, rather than an abusive man

If she still wants to having read and absorbed that book, then you can be confident its her choice and no one elses

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 13:40

@Hertsgirl10

I don’t care what socially constructed bracket I’m in thanks I think for myself.

She can do what she wants of course it’s not illegal.

And do I agree with it after a certain gestational length? Depends on the circumstances but a fully informed 22 year old with no learning disabilities or severe traum ? Just “changing her mind”…. No thought to her unborn child is there that’s the harsh reality.

22 really isn’t that young to be a mother.

TinLeaf · 07/04/2022 14:01

@MissMaple82

I think its far too late to be considering abortion also. She should of considered this early on. I suspect its just the usual cold feet. It will pass!
It’s not too late at all. It’s completely legal and there is nothing wrong with having an abortion at 18 weeks.

I had an abortion at 17 weeks and it wasn’t traumatic, the only thing I experienced was relief and I have never regretted it.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 14:10

[quote PinkQuartz]@Hertsgirl10

I don’t care what socially constructed bracket I’m in thanks I think for myself.

She can do what she wants of course it’s not illegal.

And do I agree with it after a certain gestational length? Depends on the circumstances but a fully informed 22 year old with no learning disabilities or severe traum ? Just “changing her mind”…. No thought to her unborn child is there that’s the harsh reality.

22 really isn’t that young to be a mother.[/quote]
@PinkQuartz

Weird response when I didn’t mention anything other than what you said about being pro choice then deciding that only pro choice if it’s within the weeks you deem suitable.

And a woman of ANY age can change her mind, disability or not.
My 38 year old friend had an abortion at 18 weeks last year, she’s a ‘fully formed’ adult.
Didn’t wanna kid so didn’t carry on with the pregnancy, she don’t regret it, didn’t traumatise her, didn’t have to give birth or euthanise it likr some of you drama queens have said, it was exactly the same procedure as if it was 11 wks and having the surgical option.
It was no one else’s business and people’s opinions don’t matter.

But you lot who think you’re opinions matter on how many weeks OP daughter’s pregnancy is are missing the WHOLE point of that the girl is being coerced into having an abortion, she was otherwise happy to have a baby till this man’s manipulation, which is the HUGE worry here.

It’s not about well we have an opinion on something thread, like yea I have an opinion on men that manipulate vulnerable young pregnant women but I’m not here banging on about what a cunt he is, am I? Cos it’s not helpful to this situation, neither are you’re weird views.

Malibuismysecrethome · 07/04/2022 14:32

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Briefly · 07/04/2022 14:38

can’t think of anything worse personally

A lifetime of regret would be worse. MN likes to pretend they don't exist but there are many women in that position.

The OP's DD will have a different experience because she's 18 weeks rather than 8. She can't tell herself it's just tissue.

codeVeronica · 07/04/2022 14:44

@Briefly

can’t think of anything worse personally

A lifetime of regret would be worse. MN likes to pretend they don't exist but there are many women in that position.

The OP's DD will have a different experience because she's 18 weeks rather than 8. She can't tell herself it's just tissue.

She might regret having an abortion. But then she might regret not having one. You can't know.
Briefly · 07/04/2022 14:48

She seems a prime candidate for regretting it deeply if she's bonded up until this point. The odd thing is that if she'd posted herself on the pregnancy choices board, many posters would be making her feel like there was no choice really, no way she could have this baby, no regret if she terminated.

ldontWanna · 07/04/2022 14:56

What she needs is to have a real think about what SHE wants. Why she wants the baby, why she doesn't. If she really wants this baby ,now.

Not have her doubts and worries either dismissed or exacerbated by biased parties. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants and thinks,just what she wants.

If you can't offer her that unconditional support and listening ear, find her someone who can and quickly then accept whatever decision she makes.

Silversprinkles · 07/04/2022 15:35

It’s funny how women can’t access other medical procedures but the NHS will perform a late abortion.

@Malibuismysecrethome it's NOT late. She is still 6 weeks within the legal limit. And it's also NOT fully formed and has lots more development to do. Hmm

Silversprinkles · 07/04/2022 15:36

@whumpthereitis

The stage of development of the fetus is irrelevant. She’s legally within the time limit and can, thankfully, access abortion is she so chooses to.

Also irrelevant are the morals of anyone else that isn’t this particularly girl. She’s the only one that gets to have an opinion over her own pregnancy.

Whump is speaking sense, unlike many on here.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 15:36

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BobbleHatAndtea · 07/04/2022 15:41

Yes it’s legal at 18 weeks BUT she MUST be told exactly what it involves. Currently I suspect she finds the idea of continuing with the pregnancy traumatic but if she isn’t fully informed of what an abortion at this stage involves she could end up MORE traumatised than if she had continued.

Saying it’s legal and her choice is fine and yes it’s accurate BUT the full facts need to be set out to her as if she goes into a late abortion unprepared for the reality of it she could be psychologically damaged for life

Iam pro choice but only when the woman is in full possession of the facts of the procedure

voldr · 07/04/2022 16:07

@BobbleHatAndtea

Yes it’s legal at 18 weeks BUT she MUST be told exactly what it involves. Currently I suspect she finds the idea of continuing with the pregnancy traumatic but if she isn’t fully informed of what an abortion at this stage involves she could end up MORE traumatised than if she had continued.

Saying it’s legal and her choice is fine and yes it’s accurate BUT the full facts need to be set out to her as if she goes into a late abortion unprepared for the reality of it she could be psychologically damaged for life

Iam pro choice but only when the woman is in full possession of the facts of the procedure

What makes you think we wouldn't be told?
voldr · 07/04/2022 16:07

She, I mean

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 16:32

When I first read this I presumed it was about a girl of about 16.

Your daughter is 22. She’s old enough to decide what she wants - it’s also not for you to arrange how you’ll fit six people in two bedrooms etc. She needs to realise that this is her decision and nobody else’s. She has the right to make it and the responsibility to live with it. As you won’t be bearing the consequences, you shouldn’t be making the decision.

I would also stop giving her the idea she’s ‘so young’ etc, as if she’s a teen. She’s a grown up woman and now is the time to take control of her own life. You taking over could just be confusing her more, with her ex saying one thing and you saying another. Neither you or the ex really matter here, only her.

Kanaloa · 07/04/2022 16:36

Also with her saying things like ‘she won’t have a penny to herself’ and not really seeming to be able to sort out where she’ll live, plus the quite worrying comment about ‘I’ll meet a guy who wants both of us’ it does sound like she needs a major reality check if she’s to carry on this pregnancy.

Is she aware of the risks and stress of meeting a man who ‘wants them both?’ Has she got a job with money coming in? What are her plans to secure a place to live for her and her child etc.

It may be that it’s not a ‘sudden change of mind’ but a coming to her senses and a realisation that she isn’t ready to be a mum.

And that’s not me pushing abortion - I was a mum three times over at her age. But it’s no easy ride I assure you, and it’s no good going into it with ideas like ‘I’ll meet a nice man to look after me’ or ‘I’ll live at mums, six of us in two bedrooms.’

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 17:30

@Hertsgirl10

That’s really nice for your friend “didn’t wanna kid so aborted it at 18 weeks”, and yeah didn’t regret it.

Try not to sound so smug about that.

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 17:32

@Hertsgirl10

Erm,
No I didn’t miss the point. I said the coercion was the biggest red flag here so you missed that bit out.
Too busy calling other people with a different opinion “drama queens”. Only you who’s looking dramatic here to be honest.

whoturnedthesunoff · 07/04/2022 18:28

@Tutt BPAS and NUPAS both also have counselling services , not just MSI .

This decision is for none of us to have an opinion, it's for that pregnant women to do as she chooses

Hertsgirl10 · 07/04/2022 19:39

[quote PinkQuartz]@Hertsgirl10

Erm,
No I didn’t miss the point. I said the coercion was the biggest red flag here so you missed that bit out.
Too busy calling other people with a different opinion “drama queens”. Only you who’s looking dramatic here to be honest.[/quote]
Erm if you say so @PinkQuartz

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 19:51

@Hertsgirl10

Glad you agree 😊.

middleofthelittle · 07/04/2022 20:00

OP
I had an abortion at 22. At 8 weeks, the first 3 weeks I was happy and wanted the pregnancy and then reality set in and I had a termination. It was like a light switch went off in my brain, I had bonded for a few weeks but that purely fantasy on how great it would be. Deep down I knew it wouldn't be great, it would be shit. It sounds like your daughter is thinking the same thing.

I was upset for a short while after and had some complications with it not initially being complete.

But It was the best thing I ever did. I don't regret it one bit.

My life would not be what it is now, I wasn't ready, I was immature, still in education. I had my whole life ahead of me.

Support her either way but not wanting a baby is a valid reason.