Daughter suddenly wants abortion

[Louismayy]

Dd ex has gotten into her head regarding abortion… she’s officially 18 weeks and has doubts about the pregnancy but has also shown much interest into being the best mum she can possibly be she’s about to turn 22 so she’s really young and still has a whole life ahead of her. She was having this mentality of I can do everything I’ll meet a guy who wants both of us now she thinks she’s at a massive disadvantage after speaking to him she seems to think she will only meet less good quality men… I don’t know what he’s done to her but she wants a termination. He in my opinion is a narcissist and very manipulative individual who is using her fears and insecurities against her. He was very verbally abusive to her he was also very good at playing mind games with her and getting every penny he can from her… her situation isn’t ideal with five of us living in a two bedroom house and now to be six but we had sorted how we could make the situation work. She’s now speaking on it’s going to ruin her education and she won’t have a penny to herself. It was just this sudden click after him speaking to her for over two hours and I can’t help but feel he’s done something to her head.

i think she needs to do whats right for her. Im pro choice, only she can decide and i personally would be looking at abortion too. i wouldnt want tot be tied to him

@Lochjeda

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

In YOUR opinion it's too late. Your opinion means fuck all though doesn't it.

[quote strawberrycheesecake1989]@titchy

‘ support for a termination conditional on the timing hmm ’ the majority of people are supportive of a termination up until a certain point.

You sound totally rude and grim. Lots of people are understandably very uncomfortable with a termination at 18 weeks because you’re basically half way through the pregnancy. The fetus is developed enough that a sonographer can tell you the sex.

An early abortion seems more ‘palatable’ if you will, because at that point the fetus seems like more of an idea. You don’t look pregnant, and what would come up on a ultrasound would resemble more a shrimp.

An ultrasound at 18 weeks shows you a fully fledged baby, fingers and all!

If I changed my mind at 18 weeks id be looking at adoption not abortion. Plenty of people desperate to adopt

Anyway, that’s my two cents[/quote]
So what if people in this thread are uncomfortable with abortion post-18 weeks. How is the opinion of random MNers remotely relevant to OP's dd?

It's HER decision. If she wants one at 23 weeks and 6 days she is entitled to one and if the OP is even a vaguely decent parent she would support that. It's a shame some people on here would apparently only support their dd if they made their choice early on. Shame on them.

Opinions on the ethical side of this aren't helpful here. There is a time-critical element of this now and if she's going to terminate, she only has a short time to make that decision. It sounds like talking to someone who's independent and doesn't have any emotional connection is going to be key. Maybe you could research charities or support groups who could help her make the decision.

My friend had an abortion at 23 weeks. She doesn't regret her decision. Your poor daughter, she must be so confused and I feel so sorry for her. I hope everything works out OP xx

I’m not anti abortion but I was surprised by how active and full of personality my baby was by 18 weeks.

It is her decision and she needs support from her mum whatever she decides.

However, it is worth noting that it’s not a binary choice between having the baby and having an abortion. She could give birth to the baby and give it a happy life with another family.

I say this because it’s entirely possible that (especially at only 22) she could have a bond with the baby but still not want motherhood and everything that entails like delaying her education.

@Notwithittoday

I think the trauma of an abortion at 18 weeks ( and let’s face it with the way things are it’ll take a couple of weeks to sort so she’ll be more like 20+ weeks) will be awful for her, especially if she had at any point previously wanted the baby. I would be supportive but clear about the reality of this

You absolutely have only your opinion on this and it is not a fact. OP get her to call MSIchoices (formally Marie Stopes) NOW, they have a superb team of counsellors (the only abortion provider that does in UK). They have heard and spoken to woman in your daughters situation time and time again I promise. She, I think needs non biased support and kindness atm, you can support but with all good intention OP she will know what way you lean. She is legally allowed treatment till 23/6 and ,she may have to travel out of area. This is an awful, terrifying time and I imagine she feels so alone, so speaking to someone can also help. Her body her choice regardless of others views and thoughts.

I think people are clutching at straws to be outraged here. I think the OP is more concerned her DD is getting coerced in to an abortion probably to save an abusive relationship. And yes an 18 week termination of pregnancy will be traumatic I think about 1 in 50 women also can get an infection. The womb can be perforated and if contents is left in it is life threatening. Although I believe we should support women who want to terminate. We have the resources now to have been able to have made this decision very early on. Of course concealed pregnancies are different as are any kind of trauma or teen pregnancies and medical abortions. Just because the law states something doesn't always make it right. I think there needs to be more support for women who are going through unwanted pregnancies and I have seen the absolute trauma and guilt through friends of mine. I want to say I have no judgement however the OP clearly knows her daughter will clearly be there for her regardless however I do think people underestimate just how developed a baby is at 18 weeks.

It’s 100% up to her.

I know you feel that he’s influencing her now. That’s probably true. She’s known about the pregnancy for a long time now. Did she consider an abortion when she found out? Did she always have concerns about continuing the pregnancy? Has she felt that you want her to continue it or that you’d be disappointed in her if she had an abortion - she might feel that way even if you’ve been nothing but supportive.

It sounds like a very difficult situation. 6 people in a 2 bed house, she’s still studying, the father is an ex you call ‘(a) narcissist and very manipulative’ and a child with him means he’ll be in her life for another 18 years. It’s going to be a hard slog and she needs to be sure that it’s what she really wants.

@Tilltheend99

I’m not anti abortion but I was surprised by how active and full of personality my baby was by 18 weeks.

It is her decision and she needs support from her mum whatever she decides.

However, it is worth noting that it’s not a binary choice between having the baby and having an abortion. She could give birth to the baby and give it a happy life with another family.

I say this because it’s entirely possible that (especially at only 22) she could have a bond with the baby but still not want motherhood and everything that entails like delaying her education.

How is your baby being active and full of life at all relevant?

As early as possible, as late as necessary. Her choice.

*write

I'm really hope that the OP's daughter doesn't get to see these replies. She needs proper, professional advice.

It saddens me to see all the posters saying 'I'm not against abortion but....' with all the emotive stuff. Do you genuinely think guilting someone into making a decision is helpful and will support them to make the right choice?

She needs impartial advice with facts.

5 people and a baby in a 2 bed house??

[quote strawberrycheesecake1989]**@titchy

Do you read the shite you right?

It’s a forum. People are entitled to comment. It’s literally the function of this website. You sound inexperienced and you clearly have never had a child. Go away now.[/quote]
I have two children and agree with @titchy. As it's a forum as you say people are allowed to have different opinions.

Maybe some counselling would be the best option. At 22 she is young but not terribly so. Plenty of people are mothers at that age. It is very late in the day to just suddenly decide you want out. She sounds incredibly immature.

It would take a few weeks anyway at that gestation to organise (and she would be offered counselling). I think though at this stage of the game it could cause further trauma to terminate.

@Malibuismysecrethome

I agree with *@Ilovemy3boys* an 18 week termination may still be legal but it is half way through a pregnancy and should have been done sooner. Just because it is legal doesn’t make it morally right. It is a fully formed baby.

This is untrue. An 18week old is not fully formed. If it was possible to have a fully formed healthy baby at 18weeks, that is when humans would have evolved to deliver around.

The foetus is not even half way ready. Forcing or coercing a women to continue a pregnancy she doesn't want, is more brutal, and more dystopian, than permitting women to access the medical procedures they are legally entitled to access.

@MrsTerryPratchett

If I changed my mind at 18 weeks id be looking at adoption not abortion. Plenty of people desperate to adopt

Very easy to say. Very difficult to do. Not least because the father has a say.

I've supported many vulnerable young women with pregnancy, birth or abortion. None have chosen adoption. Sometimes adoption was forced.

And granny if she decides she wants to adopt.

Not always easy to have a clean break adoption

Plus she changed her mind after a conversation with him? massive red flag. Sounds like potential coercion.

Bernadette..... It may not be ready to be born but it is fully formed. It’s funny how women can’t access other medical procedures but the NHS will perform a late abortion.
I am as equally entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. Please don’t patronise me.

@Malibuismysecrethome why is it funny? Surely it makes perfect sense?

The NHS funds abortion care, and quickly, because if it doesn't there will be even more NHS patients (obviously), and then a full whack of maternity care, possibly then lots of other NHS care needed for the new person too

Opinions are like arseholes. Best kept to oneself unless someone expresses a clear interest.

It is your DD’s decision OP.

You can only listen to her and advise her of all options available to her.

Nobody should be influencing her on what or not to do. She needs to make an informed decision that’s best for her.

Is she able to book an appointment at an abortion clinic and speak to a trained professional about her feelings? (& Just because she makes an appointment at a clinic does not mean she has to go through with it)