Daughter suddenly wants abortion

[Louismayy]

Dd ex has gotten into her head regarding abortion… she’s officially 18 weeks and has doubts about the pregnancy but has also shown much interest into being the best mum she can possibly be she’s about to turn 22 so she’s really young and still has a whole life ahead of her. She was having this mentality of I can do everything I’ll meet a guy who wants both of us now she thinks she’s at a massive disadvantage after speaking to him she seems to think she will only meet less good quality men… I don’t know what he’s done to her but she wants a termination. He in my opinion is a narcissist and very manipulative individual who is using her fears and insecurities against her. He was very verbally abusive to her he was also very good at playing mind games with her and getting every penny he can from her… her situation isn’t ideal with five of us living in a two bedroom house and now to be six but we had sorted how we could make the situation work. She’s now speaking on it’s going to ruin her education and she won’t have a penny to herself. It was just this sudden click after him speaking to her for over two hours and I can’t help but feel he’s done something to her head.

In my opinion it is far too late for an abortion if she's already 18 weeks
My opinion is different. But so what? Only your DD's opinion matters.

I think to change her mind at 18 weeks and want an abortion is completely fine she's well within thr legal limits of abortion and its her body.

However your daughter really needs to consider whether it's blind panic setting in or if she truly wants to terminate the pregnancy.

Perhaps speaking to a health clinic/counsellor would help her decide and understand what a 2nd trimester termination will be like.

It shouldn't be her Exs or yout decision and neither of you should be swaying her either way.

@Notwithittoday

I think the trauma of an abortion at 18 weeks ( and let’s face it with the way things are it’ll take a couple of weeks to sort so she’ll be more like 20+ weeks) will be awful for her, especially if she had at any point previously wanted the baby. I would be supportive but clear about the reality of this

No less traumatic than going full term with a baby she doesn't want and her ex using that child to abuse her for 18 years.

I don't think its ops place to discuss her perception of reality about this, as she clearly wants her dd to remain pregnant., ops dd needs neutral advice, and clear facts about what an abortion would look like at this stage. She doesn't need emotional pleas from either side at this point.

point out to her the ex-boyfriend's probably motives in wanting to dodge his responsibilities.
he doesn't care less about her future, or the baby's, only his pocket.

@Notwithittoday

I think the trauma of an abortion at 18 weeks ( and let’s face it with the way things are it’ll take a couple of weeks to sort so she’ll be more like 20+ weeks) will be awful for her, especially if she had at any point previously wanted the baby. I would be supportive but clear about the reality of this

She won’t necessarily be traumatized at all. It’s not a given.

But if we’re going down that route, she may very well be horribly traumatized by carrying, birthing, and raising a child she doesn’t want and been railroaded into having.

That’s why it has to be HER decision.

@alexdgr8

point out to her the ex-boyfriend's probably motives in wanting to dodge his responsibilities. he doesn't care less about her future, or the baby's, only his pocket.

and those wanting her to keep it may be broody and looking for another baby in their life

It wont be 6 people in a 2 -bed house
She is 22- assuming Uk she will be eligible for benefits.
She can have her own home

Her choice.

Stop bickering about when it is acceptable to have a termination.

As early as possible as late as necessary.

It really sounds as though she needs some proper counselling around it and quickly so that she actually has a choice. Bpas are fantastic for this and will help her to untangle everything going on in her head so she can decide the right path for her and her circumstances.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

Are you offering free babysitting then?

Of course not, these people only offer judgements.

Nobody here has said anything remotely unkind or judgemental.

Anyone who doesn't go guns blazing into abortion at 18 weeks is "judgemental" though obviously. Report any genuinely offensive posts if you believe there are any.

She needs to sit down and think this through, it's not the same at 18wks vs 8 at all.

I had my son at 18 and really considered terminating.

I too, was worried that no decent men would want me and I'd be at a disadvantage. It couldn't have been further from the truth! The same goes for other friend's of mine who had children young. There's been plenty of interest from some really good guys, having a baby doesn't end that side of your life.

I hope she manages to come to a decision that she is comfortable with

Nobody here has said anything remotely unkind or judgemental.

I must have made up the people saying that 18 weeks is too late for an abortion then (I also never said anyone had been unkind)

@whumpthereitis

You say she’s had doubts…has she actually been listened to here? Or has everyone been excited about her having a baby and overlooked how she actually feels about it?

Don’t tell her what to do one way or another. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, she’s still within the legal time limit for an abortion and it has to be her choice. Listen to her, and support her to do what she wants to do, not what you, her ex, or anyone else wants her to do.

Yes this. She needs to speak to someone professional and make her OWN decision.

@buttercrinkle

I had my son at 18 and really considered terminating.

I too, was worried that no decent men would want me and I'd be at a disadvantage. It couldn't have been further from the truth! The same goes for other friend's of mine who had children young. There's been plenty of interest from some really good guys, having a baby doesn't end that side of your life.

I hope she manages to come to a decision that she is comfortable with

Sadly it can. Nobody can ever really say what the future holds. But I had my son young. I don't think I'll ever get with another person again for a marriage or relationship. He's severely disabled through learning disability and nobody would want to take that on

He's worth it though. But that's me

OP's daughter might want different things for herself. Want to experience them child free. She's young. And should be free if she wants

as early as possible, as late as necessary

give her time to breathe and think, away from him. if she decides on an abortion then it's her choice. he might just be scared of the responsibility and potential child maintenance claim but that's not her issue, he knew what could happen.
Hope she finds some peace and an answer x

She urgently needs to go and talk to a counsellor at BPAS or Marie Stopes or similar.

And then make an informed decision.

What a difficult situation for her and you

She needs counselling not opinions.

The only opinion worth a crap is hers. His, OP's, ours, all irrelevant.

You clearly love your daughter and you got used to how you can make it work with an extra baby in the family but it’s her life and her future get an appointment for her at Marie Stopes or something similar she needs to talk to someone objective.

18 weeks is far too late for an abortion.

No, it’s not. She has another six weeks before that applies.

She needs to look into adoption if she is determined

No, she doesn’t ‘need’ to do any such thing. Abortion is an option legally available to her, and it may be the best option for her. That’s for her to decide, no one else.

@Lochjeda 18 weeks is too late IN YOUR OPINION. The only opinion that matters is the OP's daughter which is why she needs appropriate counselling.

Is the boyfriend the babies dad? I don’t know if you mentioned that.

Obviously it’s your daughter’s choice, no matter anyone else opinion on the matter, why do people give their irrelevant opinions always on this subject?

The thing is this doesn’t sound like her choice at all and that’s very worrying.

Suggest that she has some counselling also can you talk to her on your own about, just you and her out for the day, out of the house and have a good talk.

Sounds like a horrible man and she might not see what he’s been doing by talking to her like this.

@titchy

‘ support for a termination conditional on the timing hmm ’ the majority of people are supportive of a termination up until a certain point.

You sound totally rude and grim. Lots of people are understandably very uncomfortable with a termination at 18 weeks because you’re basically half way through the pregnancy. The fetus is developed enough that a sonographer can tell you the sex.

An early abortion seems more ‘palatable’ if you will, because at that point the fetus seems like more of an idea. You don’t look pregnant, and what would come up on a ultrasound would resemble more a shrimp.

An ultrasound at 18 weeks shows you a fully fledged baby, fingers and all!

If I changed my mind at 18 weeks id be looking at adoption not abortion. Plenty of people desperate to adopt

Anyway, that’s my two cents

If I changed my mind at 18 weeks id be looking at adoption not abortion. Plenty of people desperate to adopt

Very easy to say. Very difficult to do. Not least because the father has a say.

I've supported many vulnerable young women with pregnancy, birth or abortion. None have chosen adoption. Sometimes adoption was forced.

I worked for an abortion provider for 6 years.

Nobody, in all the time I'd seen clients, chose adoption.

I'm not saying it never ever happens, but it's extremely rare.