My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

*does NOT truly understand

The jacket and the handbag need to get lost in the bin and The little one won’t even remember it beyond next week and you don’t need that constantly staring you in the face.

@Nothappyatwork

The jacket and the handbag need to get lost in the bin and The little one won’t even remember it beyond next week and you don’t need that constantly staring you in the face.

god help me!

*dump the doggy BAG in the bin!!!

I just cannot believe the vileness of the pair of them. Enmeshing her into you and your children’s lives is at best seriously strange, at worst breathtakingly cruel. And I have no words for stopping at oral sex somehow being ok and meant to make you feel better.

I'm so sorry OP - I've just read all your posts.

Your DH just sounds completely spineless and duplicitous (rather than an all-out b*stard).

Despite having to still work with her, any decent man would have distanced themselves from her and kept things strictly professional from then on.

I do think for your own sanity you need to move on - I just can't see how his feelings for her will ever change if they've lasted this long.

Or maybe be you asking to separate will finally make him realise what he is about to lose, and he'll finally end the friendship to save his marriage!

Excuse the tmi on a Sunday morning and not sure it’s helpful, but when I went with a married man years ago thats also what happened - as in he went down on me and then when we were going to fuck he couldn’t get hard, likely due to guilt but possibly due to being hungover!

Just saying that it is entirely possible that what he says is true and they didn’t have penetrative sex - might make zero difference to some people but it might to others I don’t know.

He really has made her the third person in your marriage, allowing her to become so enmeshed with your family.

Its a bit sick.

You know where he stayed last night - he will have gone to her house. and he will have been messaging her - on her honeymoon - no doubt.

And don't forget that the issue that triggered all of this - him getting upset at her getting married - is still there. That is probably taking as much of his emotional energy as you kicking him out.

The woman he loves has just married someone else, and is on honeymoon with him. He's probably at her house now going through their wedding gifts revelling in his self pity.

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

The way they’ve lied and she has inveigled her way into the centre of your life. You did not give informed consent. He robbed you of this.

The fact she has worked so hard to cultivate relationships with you and your kids is sickening. I suppose he’s staying at hers now. His supportive, how convenient for him.

My friend here has just suggested issuing the ultimatum that he cuts off contact with Auntie Creep, taking him back for x months, then dumping him anyway, so at least the OW knows he would drop her if necessary – and might reduce the possibility of having to send your kids over to theirs at some point in future if she leaves her H for him (🤮).

Although by the sound of these pair of wankers, they would be furrowing their brows and congratulating themselves on their sacrifice and ‘doing the right thing’. Self-indulgent, manipulative, cretinous wankers.

OP - I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your daughters as well. I can't imagine how gut wrenching and surreal this must be for you.

Be gentle with yourself. It's very easy to say LTB when looking in from the outside. Your world has been flipped upside down, and it would be extremely normal to have a whole bundle of very mixed emotions at every stage of this. Sounds like you've loved the man you thought you'd married and share children with, faithfully and selflessly for many years. That won't all go away over night, however, you've just found out nothing was what you thought it was - your marriage, and your husband. You've suffered a tremendous loss, so be very kind and gentle with yourself, and make sure your needs are met so you can be there for your daughters.

If you feel overwhelmed, break it down. You only need to get through 5 minutes at a time, and please, please, please, be selfish through this. Put yourself and your daughters first.

If it were me, I'd be seeing a man who's proven himself to be very comfortable lying to get what he wants - right up until yesterday morning in his text message. If it were me, I wouldn't ever be able to trust him. And you owe the OW nothing! This is sick, twisted bahaviour from both of them, even just the bits you now know.

As someone who's been through cancer (pregnant when diagnosed), is childless, and now dealing with infertility, I can promise you it wouldn't have made me this much of a dick! To anyone! I still put the people I love in their rightful place in my life and treated them with respect and consideration. And I'll always be sure to protect my relationship as my top priority, as long as he does the same.

You deserve so much more respect, honesty, trust, and love. Whatever you choose from this point on, the dust will settle, and children adapt, especially if they're watching a strong, kind, loving and happy mum flourish.

You only ever need to get through today!!

Thinking of you and your daughters x

Seems like they've arranged a 3 way relationship and open marriage without your knowledge and consent. I'm so sorry. 🤗

Can you afford a dog Walker for a bit? So that you can have a break and he doesn’t keep rocking up at your door to walk the dog.

^ let him take the dog while you get over the shock of all this

"It's very easy to say LTB when looking in from the outside"

Many of the women who are saying this have left a bastard of their own, and know that there is peace, stability and possibility at the other end. That's why we say it. We know it can be far far better than this

Oh OP this is so awful. The fact that she's become so involved with your family, including your kids, is just so beyond okay. The two of them have behaved disgustingly. The gaslighting and manipulation of you has been going on for years. It's unbelievably hurtful.

Have you spoken to anyone about this yet? Please confide in a friend or family member. They will be depending on you being ashamed and humiliated and keeping their secret - but you don't have anything to be ashamed of. They have behaved shamefully - you are the only one who has come out of this with any dignity.

@spacehardware

I'm in no way advocating that the OP stays with him. I'm simply acknowledging that even when you're crystal clear about needing to leave, this can still be a difficult decision in reality, especially when children are involved.

I can get off the fence, and yes, he's trapped the OP in some façade of a marriage he chose to invent for her, lied about who he is, brought children into this mess he's fabricated, and encouraged the OP to build a twisted friendship with the OW he's at the very "least" had oral sex with!! (Although I'm with all the PP who find this more intimate). And didn't give the OP the basic respect of choosing whether this is a life she wants or not.

And he even had the balls to ask if she wanted the "relevant bits" hours after his blatant lies of "I'd never do anything to hurt you" "nothing ever happened". What an arse! It's all relevant! It was certainly relevant the the OP 8 years ago, three weeks before their marriage. The whole thing is outrageous - hence so many people being outraged on the OP's behalf.

I think most (all?) people reading this thread would say LTB. I can't see how anyone could stay after this, but I'm also acknowledging that there are complicated emotions involved, and this hand grenade of a sh*t show has only just exploded in her life. And I think whilst we're all hoping the OP does LTB, it's ultimately going to be her choice, and no big decisions need to be set in stone right this second. Sometimes you need to breathe, and just go one day at a time.

OP you definitely sound like the amazing one!!!!

OP in your situation I don't see how your marriage can ever recover from this. Even if you patch things up in the short term this betrayal and duplicity predates your marriage. It's based on a lie. That's all he knows.
The only chance you stand is if he completely cuts contact with OW - the fact that he's gone running straight to her house tells me he's not going to.

Has he actually gone to the OW's house?

@Nomad916

He's using you to facilitate his relationship with her! He wouldn't be able to have such a close relationship with her if you weren't involved (without him looking like a cheating a***e)

Good point!!!! Her friendship with both of you legitimises the cosy relationship, work trips away etc., I bet on many occasions they’ve appealed to your ‘acceptance’ of the situation as evidence of it all being wholesome and above board. Manipulative, simpering, self-serving wankers.

@spacehardware

"It's very easy to say LTB when looking in from the outside"

Many of the women who are saying this have left a bastard of their own, and know that there is peace, stability and possibility at the other end. That's why we say it. We know it can be far far better than this

Precisely that. I came on Mumsnet in 2011 when I was pregnant with my child and describe the scenario where my ex-husband was having an affair in plain sight and some of the advice I was given was to put my lipstick on and make myself look glamorous in hold up stockings on because my belly was too pregnant to pull sexy tights on over the top, and because I wanted to believe that we would be okay I stayed for another four years and guess what my finances got worse because he spent money on her, making himself look beautiful for her benefit. He also managed to completely rewrite history to make himself into the victim of all this where is in all honesty if I had just rip the plaster off quickly whilst I was pregnant and he was indeed having an affair I think things could’ve looked very different. And the kids and I would’ve healed a lot quicker, we certainly wouldn’t have had to go through the trauma of relocating that he put us through because it was in his best interest to do so.

@Sazdun

Thanks everyone. Didn't sleep much plus the clocks! Friend dropped older daughter off with a card she had her make. H left a bag with the makings of breakfast at door with another essay with a bit less her in it. Not sure where he slept last night. When daughter came back we made breakfast together. Taking daughters out now. He had asked to see them but I said to talk on the phone. Has obviously told her he is going on a trip. Overheard daughter then started,asking H about Auntie X trip (Auntie X is OW) and would he bring her back a present like she said she would. Those bits, knowing how my kid adores her, that kills me plus the jacket and wee handbag she insists on wearing all the time are ones she bought her for her birthday.

You said the keys to OW house were missing so he will have stayed there?

@Sazdun

I don't know where he is. That he will not be home and I don't know where he is, is so weird. He has texted to ask if I need him to come and take the dog his night walk as I am home and cannot take the girls out at this time. It means he must be close by. Her key has gone so I guess it is where he is.

I thought your daughter was staying with your friend?

@SunflowerTed

Her daughter was dropped back off.

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