My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

@Onlyhonest

Why did your husband leave within a few hours of his confession?

Well I'd have not been the only one who would have kicked him out.

@Electriq

At first I felt for your husband, because I had a friendship like this, however he was in a relationship, we never so much as hugged by I loved him with ever fibre in me, I just wanted him in my life but I was not prepared to cheat, eventually I got married and he recently split with his partner, we still talk and every so often I do get that pang of what if, but it can never happen, then your update came, and wow, I'm so sorry OP, me personally, I'd get in the car and head straight to her house, she did this too, but I also understand that your life has just imploded.

I'd 100% be going to the OW's house too! Why should she get away with it? He claims she didn't know.... she certainly does now & she's got the audacity to claim she's also a friend! Friend my a*se!! Friends don't do that, frenemies do! She clearly has no morals either.

The OW had a surprising amount of bad luck over the past few years.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

It sounds like she could have had him if she really wanted him. It happened before the wedding and she could have stopped it, he could have stopped it and if either of them had the decency to let you know, you could have even stopped it.

That said, her message is beyond manipulative and inappropriately light hearted in some many places including offering either of you a place to stay. It's almost likely she gets off on being in the middle of it. I wouldn't believe a word she says. She is also trying to portray the situation in a certain light to her husband, not just you so take it with a pinch of salt.

If she had any genuine sense of remorse or regret she would have left it at what it was. Not only did she decide to rebuild a friendship with him, she deliberately included herself into your life. There's no way she thought you genuinely knew and were so cool with it that you willingly accepted her friendship while knowing she had oral sex with your husband 3 weeks before your wedding. No one is that relaxed or forgiving!!!

She sounds so manipulative and insincere and appears to the type that thrives on the attention.

As for your husband, he is such a goddamn fool. Lusting after such a manipulative woman who has zero moral fibre and who openly and brazenly cultivates a relationship with his wife. She also is disrespecting her husband.

I think he'll end up with no one and rightly so.

Never make someone a priority who treats you as an option or second best.

There's so much you have to unpack here and I think you would benefit from counselling to help you do that. Your husband is not the man you thought he was. None of this people are a positive contributor to your life.

My childhood sweetheart came back into my life about 20 years ago by chance. We fell madly in love. In the end, we separated and went NC because he couldn't leave his wife (I was already separated from my now XH) for various reasons. It broke my heart but going NC was truly the only way to avoid pain all round. Maybe this is what your H should do?

He is obsessed with her, I don't think she feels the same only likes him as a friend that's why nothing has happened. X

@Tomatobowl

The OW had a surprising amount of bad luck over the past few years.

It can happen. Life isn’t always smooth.

I do feel that people can be this evil and manipulative and that they would get off on the deceit and sexual tension of an eight year affair.
It must truly rock your faith in the world.

I'm trying to catch up I'm sorry to not reply to everyone I appreciate the advice. If I had not felt so validated, I probably would not have challenged him today and got the truth. I have had to drop my daughter at my friends and spent some time with her. It is upsetting that people don't believe me but after today I don't fucking care. As for going for dinner next week, that error is likely mine. She said she was going to have a post wedding dinner when they got back. I just assumed she was having a two week holiday as that's what we had. My head is just done but really do thank each of you for taking time to respond. It has been hard watching the man I love being ripped to shreds even though you are all right and I think I need to switch off for the night and take a breather, my little lady is not settling and her wee cries are setting me off. The thought of me doing this alone is terrifying

Sazdun, I just read OW’s response, but I stand by my last post. In my view, she and H have coordinated their cover stories, so her message is manipulative and disingenuous.

I still believe there has been more physical involvement, with an intense emotional connection that is certainly not ‘just friends.’ Their 1:1 outings have been like romantic dates, and their work trips like holidays. Even when you, your children, her H, or others are present, they enjoy a thrilling undercurrent. (People have noticed.) Her babysitting is also part of their agenda.

Hallmarks of emotional affairs are sexual chemistry, deception, inappropriate closeness and reliance, and discussing the issues in each other’s relationships. The OW/OM knows more about the spousal relationship than the spouse knows about the illicit one. Bingo.

Is H staying in OW’s house?

I can't remember who asked but my daughter has just turned 5. She goes to school after the summer. The cut off for kids going to school in my area is end of Feb. Not sure why my daughter being at school is relevant to this.

They both sound as though they are as utterly selfish as one another.

Both probably realise they are too much alike to make a constant relationship work. Two narcs don't work well together, meanwhile they both have adoring partners in the background doing all the giving, compromising and putting their other halves on a pedestal.

What's not to like for them, it works wonderfully.

You have to be strong here and begin to see your worth, because this pair deserve one another and quite frankly need to be away from any child rearing as possible.
Cruel, horrible, manipulative, deceitful, disloyal, scheming and devious pair of cunts.

Times up.

I don't know where he is. That he will not be home and I don't know where he is, is so weird. He has texted to ask if I need him to come and take the dog his night walk as I am home and cannot take the girls out at this time. It means he must be close by. Her key has gone so I guess it is where he is.

Op have you heard anything back from your H yet? Any more answers? Please take care of yourself op

At least tonight you know the truth only pity is he didn't tell you 8 years ago but then again you do have your 2 little children.The good news is you will be perfectly okay and in a way you will feel relief because you knew in your heart something was between them,goodnight get some real sleep and when you wake in the morning take nice deep breaths and welcome the new day,a day you got the power back because you are worth it

I agree that her version of events sounds suspiciously similar to hers but I don't think it matters all that much anymore.

@Sazdun I can't tell you how much I feel for you and I understand how overwhelming the future must feel for you, but you will live it with the strength and grace you've shown today and your life will be so much for being free of his deception. Take things one day at a time, you'll be OK

@Tomatobowl absolutely it is why I thought she needed a friend. The death and cancer and infertility were within three years. I even sent my husband to her house when I was pregnant to sit with her after her dad and brother died. I always want to treat people how I would like to be treated myself. 😩 when I got jealous in the past I reminded myself of all she had been through, how lucky I was and how grateful she was for our friendship

Why he thinks it’s a good idea to go and stay the night at her house, albeit with their permission, is just weird. To be surrounded by her things etc. it’s all just so personal.

It’s not even as though he’s removed himself, to give both of you thinking space, to somewhere more neutral.

I’m sorry but he really doesn’t seem to be putting everything he has into creating distance between him and her. Surely this is just going to mushroom more and her own new DH is going to get hacked off with this.

I actually did think her message was genuine but she’s just to enmeshed in your lives and it’s clearly not healthy.

@Notaordinarygirl he has just asked me to talk to him when I am ready and did I need the dog walked. He asked me not bring her into it when I said I would be contacting her and her H and that was the final straw and I just told him to get out. The fact they had been kissing and all else made me sick and want to scream but the girls were here and my oldest was already telling me not to use my angry voice with daddy and asking why he was in trouble.

He lied to her about how serious his relationship was with you so that he could shag her weeks before your wedding.

He's an arse. She's a mug (if it's true), because she must have been hurt to find out that he was suddenly getting married.

She isn't your friend OP.

Ugh he honestly thinks you're being unreasonable and you can get past this, doesn't he!

You'll be well shot of him!

The fact he asked you not to bring her into it just adds to it all. He seems constantly concerned about “them” and not you.

Of course the timing is bad and she’s on her honeymoon but she is the reason behind all of this and it’s rather difficult to leave her out of the equation.

Plus it seems he’s now at hers/there’s for the night. He really is tone deaf apart from does the dog need a walk.

He has just reminded me it's mother's day tomorrow as he droppeda card through the letterbox shen picking up the dog. I have just remembered when he was out this morning she had me put in my order for what her and daddy are making me for breakfast. It's all these little things our family things he has taken them away. How do I even explain why daddy is not here?

You need to get some rest now. In the grand scheme of things Mother’s Day can be fudged.

But what can’t is everything else…
Your posts describe your niggles throughout a number of years and unease.

You attended a wedding and were sick to the stomach at how your DH reacted to this woman getting married. You confronted him and he admitted he loves her, but can’t explain in what way. But realistically this is a cop out.

He sends you a long text about the situation when he goes for a solo coffee, but it’s not actually the truth. He talks in great detail about her/them and is rather minimal about you/him and once again it raised doubts in your mind. Rightly so.

You then have a further conversation and he admits more of the truth where it’s clear he lied to her about you, had sex with her weeks before your wedding etc.

He’s also by this admission lied to you as well, compounded by the fact his earlier text said nothing has ever happened between them.

He’s encouraged her and you to be friends and not pulled away from the relationship, which basically has led to your suspicion in the first place.

All of this doesn’t lay good foundations for the future because he ultimately still has deep feelings for her which A) you’ve witnessed at her marriage and B) he has admitted he loves her in some way.

Very sadly you are going to have to process all of this. But it does not change the fact that the title of your actual thread is true.

She needs to fuck off. Did you notice neither of them offered to end their "friendship" to help you? They're just going to give YOU time to get over it. Which you can do in her house if you want. Fuck off. Where are their boundaries. How did they ever think it was appropriate to keep in contact. He should be begging you, promising you anything, saying he'll have no more contact with her. But instead he's likely in her house discussing with her how to save your marriage. Pieces of shit.