My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

You need to tell all of your friends and not protect their feelings or social reputation. You need support and they need to deal with ALL of the fallout… because if not, YOU will.

After breaking your heart and wrecking his family, he has the gall to stay in his AP’s house. While his lack of loyalty and empathy for you is glaring, he protects and prioritizes OW by asking you ‘to keep her out of it.’ He is utterly unremorseful.

As for Mother’s Day, I suggest telling DD that Daddy has to work, but that the best gift ever would be for you and her to make breakfast together. 💕

@Unsure33

You messaged them in their honeymoon? When nothing has actually happened for the last 8 years!

It is your OH you should be angry with ,she did not even know about you.
Sorry but I think that is cruel .

It’s not her fault he is infatuated.

Her husband admitted cheating with this woman. The OP does not know that nothing happened over the past 8 years.

This woman had sex with the OPs husband 3 weeks before he got married and then kept up the friendship with him and became friends with the OP...minding her kids...it's disgusting.

And you say the OP messaging her on her honeymoon is cruel?

If she had not have had sex with the OPs husband...or if she did but had not kept up the friendship...and had them at her wedding....while the OP had to watch her husband nearly cry over this woman and then watch as they danced together......then she wouldn't have received any message on her honeymoon.

Also it would be extremely weird to find out your husband cheated on you and say oh better not message the OW, she's on her honeymoon...that wouldn't be normal behaviour.

They’re both pieces of shit. He’s a cheater. She is nasty piece of work for emotionally manipulating you, weasling her way into your life as your friend and even babysitting your dc. She is sick. I wouldn’t believe any of their excuses. Your “d”h keeps saying he’s being honest, but then gradually tells you more info.

@Sazdun you need to talk to someone irl. Fuck their reputations being ruined and the illusion of your happy family being shattered. You need some irl support.

So she was seeing a guy who went down on her three weeks before his wedding, then she found out he was actually engaged to another woman! She was really passed off and angry at him, so she then attended his wedding 3 weeks later? That’s strange behaviour isn’t it? Bizarre in fact.
He lied to her that you knew for a decade, yet never once did this come up in conversation between you two? She never once thanked you for forgiving them both or apologised to you? Bizarre.
She then finds out he’s been lying to her for a decade! She’s sooo pissed off with him that instead of cutting the friendship dead in the water she….invites him to stay at her house.
OP this makes no sense, you know it doesn’t.

I’m struggling here , really really struggling to understand how anyone can possibly accuse the op of being cruel for messaging the woman on her honeymoon.

This woman claims she didn’t know that Op’s husband was about to get married and that she didn’t know he was in such a committed relationship ( I don’t believe that for a minute, reckon they both knew the score and went for it anyway ) I also highly doubt it was a one time thing and it went a lot further than oral . He’s trying to step back and brush it under the carpet .
She slithered into the OP’s life , pretending , even now, to be upset regarding the upheaval and devastation she’s caused . She’s a devious bitch. I’d be beyond gutted that she had been in any way included as part of my family almost ( babysitting ). Bet they had a good old laugh behind OP’s back.
Fucking despicable pair of cunts who totally deserve each other

Ohhh OP that must hurt. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
How unthoughtful of your DH. He sounds like he loves her but didn't have the courage To approach it with her.

I would go away for a week and tell him I needed a break from him

Good luck woth it all

Me too @Hopingforabagofbuttons… If someone had been “intimate” with my DH (regardless of when) and then suddenly wanted to be my friend, I’d be suspicious AF. This woman played the game of keeping enemies close too. She doesn’t need OP’s DH as a fallback guy anymore. What’s more, there is absolutely no way he hadn’t told the OW before she got the message from OP. He would have sent the message he sent to OP, saying “Stick to this story.”

Well she's come out of this with everything hasn't she?

@Sazdun Just tell your little girl daddy has to go and house sit for someone for a few days. I am sorry... it must be really hard. Maybe it would be best to keep a distance from her for a while and just deal with your husband. One step at a time. Sending a big hug.

I'm sorry but the pair of them have been loving the drama and the power over you. Her thinking you knew? Utter rot. Why had there never been a tense conversation about him cheating on you with her? She liked knowing he fancied her.

Don't worry OP about her, cause and effect will bite her in the arse at some point. Her husband knows she is a bad 'un. Their relationship won't be glorious.

You are in the shits atm, the career break, but that is a temporary situation. You will get through it. You are the higher earner, with better potential. Your STBXH (I hope) will not do well out of this, long term my bets are on you.

Please don't stay together for 'the sake of the children'. Kids do not thrive in an unhappy home.

Make a plan. Ditch the people who have shown you who they are. Get better people and a better life. Xx

I know I've said this already, but I'm really sorry OP. It really does sound like he's got his ducks in a row with her to generate a story. As for her husband, it sounds like he's been strung along in a relationship set up for failure. They are both utterly messed up.

As for your daughter and today, with all the strength you have you need to put on a brave face 🙁 unimaginably hard..but do it for her. I'd say your DH has been asked to help someone today but you now have a girly day today.

Behind the scenes start working out how to get out of this marriage with your girls. I suspect as time goes on more stories will come out about them (other people are likely to come forward with their own too I expect). Record everything and jot down all you remember.

Goodluck OP

@BadNomad

She needs to fuck off. Did you notice neither of them offered to end their "friendship" to help you? They're just going to give YOU time to get over it. Which you can do in her house if you want. Fuck off. Where are their boundaries. How did they ever think it was appropriate to keep in contact. He should be begging you, promising you anything, saying he'll have no more contact with her. But instead he's likely in her house discussing with her how to save your marriage. Pieces of shit.

This. I get that you have slightly changed her message but it comes across as sorry, not sorry and also a bit controlling as to you speaking to her and no one else. Stinks of her controlling the narrative to me and yes, she has not agreed to stay the fuck away from Romeo either.

I know you’re probably worried about how you can do all these things on your own but actually if you start to unpack care if he’s away for work and quite invested in his job you’re probably doing 95% of it on your own anyway. I use my CMS payments for cleaners and support that just literally allows me to get through the day and as a result of which I’ve had several pay rises in the last two years and now we don’t even miss his income. For the interim you should get some sort of top up from universal credits but honestly you will be fine you can do this. I had four on my own.

Completely irrelevant but why are this pair obsessed with one another's shoes?!

Have a look through his wardrobe OP and see if you can find any gifts from her which might take on a different meaning now that you know the truth. Like cufflinks or something.

Oh and there's no way she thought you knew. When women have shared a lover in the past, there are little jokes and sayings that go between them. There is a shared 'thing' about it. I have seen this in men too. NO way did she think you knew - not a chance.

Her message is her trying to do a damage limitation and nothing more. For him to go to her house is insensitive to the max and a finger up.

Agree that she is lying and manipulative.

OP please tell your family and friends. You need support and your DH and his OW are clearly very practiced at supporting each other. It's 2 against 1 right now. Tell people so they can support you

God I'm sorry. He's a horrible man. I cannot believe after this he has gone to stay at her house. What a fucking bastard.

@Billlius

Have a look through his wardrobe OP and see if you can find any gifts from her which might take on a different meaning now that you know the truth. Like cufflinks or something.

No no no no no I honestly do not start this bullshit don’t start going through his phone don’t start going through his phone bills literally this will drive people insane it makes them actually ill. You have the facts in front of you, you don’t need to go digging in some sort of attempt to self flagellate along the way.

Oh, OP

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The bit that struck me is that all three of them are fine to carry on regardless and seem surprised that you don't agree. You don't have to go along with them and their rationale. They've spent years telling themselves what they want to hear and constructing a fake narrative based on you knowing and also being fine with it. Now you know all that is being ripped down - their discomfort and concern is around you not going along with it, not you being devastated.

Take all the time you need to process this and make the decisions you need. They've had 8 years, they have no business rushing you into anything.

@Nothappyatwork

"No no no no no I honestly do not start this bullshit don’t start going through his phone don’t start going through his phone bills literally this will drive people insane it makes them actually ill. You have the facts in front of you, you don’t need to go digging in some sort of attempt to self flagellate along the way."

I totally disagree with this. You need concrete proof to support your divorce action in case they deny everything and go down the 'just good friends' route.

Do all the above, go through his pockets and sock drawer and take photos/photo copy etc but don't tell him. They had a cosy little set-up here and now it's all gone to $h!£rag$ they could try and paint you as the bad guy.

I did that and found a Valentine card from OW he had forgotten about. Bingo ! Evidence !

Stay strong OP

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking you don’t need any evidence for a divorce whatsoever he could fuck her in the court room and it will make no odds to the outcome of the divorce case none whatsoever.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking divorce courts aren't criminal courts! They're there to end a contract not decide on how guilty people are

@Nothappyatwork

you do need evidence if they decide to deny/cross petition

www.gov.uk/divorce