My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I thought about you almost as soon as I woke up this morning, OP. I don't think I have ever felt so much anger towards people I have never even met.

As for the OW explanation 'I thought you knew' and it has NEVER come up or been in hinted at in conversation between you in all these years? I don't believe that for a second. There is something wrong with her that she offers her home to either you or him. What? She is a manipulative, lying piece of work.

How has she looked you in the eye all these years, knowing what she knows?

At least you have got a bit of space to think at the moment. Take your time and don't let him pressurise you. You call the shots now - the game is up.

If the OP decides to divorce she can, it doesn't matter if they deny it. Soon no contest divorce will be law anyway.

And she could just go unreasonable behaviour instead if she wanted to. It's not a massively high barrier.

She's not trapped unless she produces photos of them banging away

@Herejustforthisone

Do you know what has really struck me about the message? The bit about her ‘stupid shoes’. He obviously doesn’t think they’re stupid, it seems like he is actually in awe of a beautiful woman in this beautiful high shoes and she ‘needed’ him to hold her up as they walked. I’m projecting probably but it sounds like he’s proud of walking with her at that moment. I cannot fathom why else he’d have mentioned it?

Other than the fact I, and everyone else, noticed the text was all her her her. The bit about the shoes also jarred with me. The sentence about the shoes was more telling of his feelings than anything else in that pile of self indulgent drivel!

Sadly, in divorce it doesn’t matter much what one party has done to the other. He still has rights as much as she does, as unfair as that may seem. The focus will be on the children and oach of the parents needs to house themselves adequately, taking into account assets, earnings, earning potential etc. Filing for unreasonable behaviour requires no proof. In any case, no fault divorce comes into play next month.

Herejustforthisone

Yes the shoes is the main bit that stands out. What a jerk.

You don't need any further evidence, you have plenty already for divorce. Don't worry about the optics, being painted as "the bad guy" that's utter nonsense. I guarantee people around you have been wondering for years why were you putting up with this.

@spacehardware

'If the OP decides to divorce she can, it doesn't matter if they deny it. Soon no contest divorce will be law anyway.'

The whole point of No-fault Divorce is that the couple agree to divorce. The 'D'H in this case is already trying to wheedle his way back into the matrimonial home with excuses about 'walking the dog'.

If he's paid the bills, been a good provider, not been drunk abusive or violent then 'unreasonable behaviour' seems a bit of a stretch.

'She's not trapped unless she produces photos of them banging away' - what does that mean ??

Um it means what it says - divorce is fairly easy to obtain and the op is not trapped in this marriage unless she can produce concrete evidence of adultery.

What do you think I meant?

Anyway as I said, unreasonable behaviour isn't a particularly hard test to meet, amd "my husband persists in a friendship with a woman he now admits to sexual activity with prior to our marriage amd I suspect this is ongoing" would do it.

So sorry this happened to you OP. Emotional affair all along and still he is in love with her and string you along for the comfort of home and kids...

Take care of yourself and I am sure you will find a strength to come through.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking any perceived benefit of Moochin through his wardrobe or his phone or anything else for that matter will be spectacularly outweighed by the amount of emotional damage done to the party looking for evidence, you’ve got evidence that’s enough. stop.

"It’s gutting to know that your cherished H is actually an entitled, self-serving liar and cheat who has stolen your consent/choices for 8 long years….who has used your children to perpetuate his infidelity."

I'm sorry to say, this is how I'd look at it.
She is "the one who got away."
He was too weak to stop the marriage, then deliberately brought her into your home. Giving her as much, if not more emotional energy, & making you self doubt for years.
Questioning your place in the pecking order.
They are now colluding to save their bacon.
I hope at the very least he did come & make you Mothers day breakfast.
You should hand him the baby & go out & talk this through with someone in real life.

I’ve been following your thread OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I woke up and thought about you first thing - what he’s done is awful. I have nothing to add really as so much has already been said by other posters, but I’m thinking of you. 💐

@spacehardware

"Anyway as I said, unreasonable behaviour isn't a particularly hard test to meet, amd "my husband persists in a friendship with a woman he now admits to sexual activity with prior to our marriage amd I suspect this is ongoing" would do it."

And suppose they deny it ?

I agree with @SunflowerTed

"Still think there are holes in this story!!!"

I would bet any money that 'D'H, OW and OW's H have been having a menage a trois for years, using OP as a 'beard' and are happy with that arrangement. Hence I believe they will lie to maintain the status quo.

You seem very determined to argue with me.

The number of divorces that go to a contested hearing to try to prevent the divorce (rather than on finances or child arrangements) is minute. Tiny. Do you really think the husband snd OW are going to be willing to go to court snd give evidence on oath to deny unreasonable behaviour?

Do give over

He is even staying at hers now.

That'll be cosy when she gets back from honeymoon with her new husband.

OP you deserve so much better than this pair of arseholes.

No way would my husband be setting one fucking foot back in the door again. I'd be seeing a solicitor pronto - retain control over the situation.

I'd be making it clear to her husband that no way do I believe this concocted bollocks, and good luck to him once you've set your DH free as we know what will happen then.

I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms about what a fucking low life she is and that she needs to stay the fuck away from you, your children and your property with immediate effect.

Sorry you are going through this OP

@spacehardware

a) can't anyone else have a point of view ?

b) you know this because you are a solicitor/barrister/court reporter/member of the press ? (delete which does not apply)

c) Yes I do. They have too much to lose. They are up to their armpits in a fantasy world and they don't want the bubble to burst. They have been already rehearsing what story to tell OP. They have no qualms and no boundaries, so yes I believe they are capable of perjury.

Yes I am a lawyer, and I've divorced someone on grounds of unreasonable behaviour; but ok. Sure. They'll fight this all the way to court then risk prison 🙄

Just reread this this morning. Do not believe anything this woman says, it’ll only be the half truth and it sounds like she wants to stay married and maybe her husband doesn’t know the full story. I do think from her side she’s rewritten her story to make her look good/ease her conscience.

The other thing, if she’s had cancer and can’t have children she may well feel bitter/sad about both those but no need to internalise and have an affair.

Your husband, my god he’s a piece of work. I don’t really know what to say only maybe hold fire on anything you say anything or do now. I wouldn’t want to hear or see him at this stage.

You could name her in divorce proceedings.

Re divorce, unreasonable behaviour plus affair is the grounds here. She’s admitted the affair so it should be fairly straightforward.

I know a very good London based family law barrister unless he’s retired and actually a good family lawyer (haven’t worked together) but I think Michael Drake at Collyer Bristow (handled mum’s divorce) doesn’t do family divorce anymore and may be retired.

@spacehardware

"Sure. They'll fight this all the way to court then risk prison 🙄"

They'll only risk prison if they get caught....

OK. I'm out of here now...

The pair are just horrible.

As sad as it sounds, they make it out like you and her new husband are plan Bs.

Their messages are so self absorbed, sociopathic even.

The cheek of her to offer you to stay at theirs. I mean wtaf?!

I hope you get a shit hot lawyer and rid yourself of these batshit people for good.

What a pair of twats.

I'm so sorry OP.

I'd be speaking to a lawyer.

Thanks everyone. Didn't sleep much plus the clocks! Friend dropped older daughter off with a card she had her make. H left a bag with the makings of breakfast at door with another essay with a bit less her in it. Not sure where he slept last night. When daughter came back we made breakfast together. Taking daughters out now. He had asked to see them but I said to talk on the phone. Has obviously told her he is going on a trip. Overheard daughter then started,asking H about Auntie X trip (Auntie X is OW) and would he bring her back a present like she said she would. Those bits, knowing how my kid adores her, that kills me plus the jacket and wee handbag she insists on wearing all the time are ones she bought her for her birthday.

I'd dump the doggy in the bin if it were me. It's just an insult which just seems to show no matter what he says he does truly understand the depth of his betrayal. You have a tiff you buy the wife some flowers. You cheat and lie for years and years so bag up some breakfast.

No.