My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you really need to take the emotion out and see this situation for what it is. The fact he's openly told you he's in love with her is a massive red flag and I don't want to upset you, but I'd be surprised if they weren't sleeping together. The fact she has a boyfriend means nothing. If this has been going on for a while, why did you get pregnant by him again? It's not fair on the kids and you need to put them first and walk away, otherwise he will hurt you more the longer this goes on. You don't fall in love with someone unless you've built something special with them. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Have some self respect and focus on raising your children. I've been in this exact position so I know what I'm talking about. I, like you, stayed hoping I could "get him to change"... He didn't, he just knew he could carry on and I'd still stay with him. About a year later, I found out he'd been sleeping with her for 18 months. I too had his baby, that didn't count for anything either. My biggest regret? Staying with him and enabling his behaviour to continue when I should have ended it as soon as I started having doubts. The fact you're "checking" his messages shows that the trust has gone. That is extremely hard to get back. I hope you do the right thing, not just for you, but for your innocent children who don't deserve to be caught up in the middle of all this. Good luck x

…but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn’t know in what way and he has felt that way for years but he would never do anything to hurt me or the girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point in discussing that…

I am so sorry, Sazdun. Your pain is palpable. I am outraged on your behalf.

The truth is, your selfish H has perpetrated a huge amount of hurt on you and your girls. He and OW share a physical attraction and have been involved in a long-term emotional affair in plain sight for years. His words and behavior clearly show that he is in love with her and does wish to be with her.

From the beginning, he was well aware that his feelings were not platonic, yet he did nothing to safeguard his fidelity. He gave himself permission to develop inappropriate emotional intimacy with OW, and it has deepened through the years. He had the option to strengthen his boundaries and cut off this affair long ago, but chose instead to keep investing, thereby corroding and damaging your marriage.

He humiliated you by allowing you to become friends with his emotional affair partner and by displaying their ‘couple-ness’ in public. His work colleagues will be well aware of their inappropriate connection.

Personally, I would not be able to come back from this. However, if you are going to stay and not become diminished beyond recognition, you must set recovery requirements. H will have to own his disloyalty and do all in his power to restore your trust. He will have to cut contact with OW, except for necessary work interactions. He would need to be willing to dig deep in individual counseling to examine his character flaws that enabled his emotional infidelity.

Again, my heart goes out to you, Sazdun. Please keep posting.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would talk to him and explain how this has made you feel. Ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around and You had such a strong bond with another man etc.. Ask him to set healthy boundaries and slowly distance himself from her and work on your bond together. Hopefully it’s not too late for him to make the right choices now. My advice is to start dating your husband and get to know each other again. Spend as much time together not only bonding as a family but just the two of you. If both partners are willing to try again there is hope. It fails if only one parter is actually trying in a marriage. Hugs x keep us updated

I can’t even begin to imagine how sad I’d be in your situation. I couldn’t look at him and I couldn’t get past it, I don’t think. If I was going to try I agree it would require him to get a new job straight away and to never speak to her again, but I think that risks pushing it into full blown affair territory and even if it didn’t it would be papering over the cracks. He has treated you appallingly and you should give yourself permission to be angry at him. You don’t owe it to your husband to be understanding about him having an emotional affair, that’s not part of marriage - feelings for other people over the course of a long relationship are normal, but you don’t start going on walks alone with those people and nurturing close friendships with them if you’re committed to your marriage.

There is very much a point to discussing it as you need to for your benefit, to make a decision about your relationship. You get to make decisions too! And you do not have to put up with this. There is no way we would be going to that dinner if this was me, he’d be looking for counselling for us, and if he went to dinner I’d be clear that would be the point he moved out. Perhaps you can stay friends, perhaps not. For now, you mysteriously had something come up that day.

He's in love with her.

She's not in love with him.

If she was in love with him, he'd be gone in a flash.

You are "second best" to him.

Please don't be second best to yourself. You sound amazing OP.

would never do anything to hurt me and our girls

Time to point out to him that by maintaining his relationship with her and doting on her so openly he is hurting you an awful lot. I would probably go for an ultimatum that he needs to cut his relationship with her altogether now that you've seen his true feelings. If he won't then he isn't acting out of love for you as his wife.

"I have only said what I e said because someone I considered my best friend through our teenage years into adulthood got married and suddenly decided to tell me that he was actually in love with me. He went in to say he knew I’d never be into him in the way which was true.

It was awful because I was so betrayed. Here I thought I had an actual friend but it was never real. He also in his mind put me in a place I’d never live up to in real life."

I can do relate to this. A male friend did similar to me (to my regret I did sleep with him). Men whine about being friend zoned, but being fuck zoned is horrible.

Op I really feel for you. This is dreadful.

However if you want to keep your self respect intact then you should consider your options.

What are your finances like? Can you work? Can you afford your current home without your husbands income?

Personally I couldn’t come back from what he told you. Who knows if this woman has reciprocated in any way but it is pretty tasteless of her to stay in the horizon if your husband has told her how he feels.

Who knows if something has happened or maybe only once or twice?

I feel that your husband was trying to force you to kick him out by telling you what he did? Some men really are spineless!!!

Wishing you all the best and sending you strength and hope!

When he replied ‘ no point in discussing that’, that was very obviously not a denial.
If he honestly loved you he should be absolutely doing everything in his power to let you know that you are his priority, and that his feelings are that of her being a really good friend. He won’t and can’t do that.
I would have some serious thinking to do, but in all honesty I don’t think I could move past it.
I notice you say how pretty and kind she is. She’s not kind . It def sounds like there has been an emotional affair going on , she’s stepped into your life, knowing you are married with DC, yet hasn’t been willing to step back and give distance to your DH, knowing where it could all lead to. That IMO is definitely not the actions of a friend.

Back to the OP I bet she's nowhere near as into him as you assume OP. Your husband is behaving like a fool, hope he manages to see it before he loses you. At the moment you're acting like you're the staunch second fiddle to the greatest unfulfilled love story of all time, and he's powerless. Bollocks to that. He's choosing to put you through this turmoil - find your anger.

What a cruel man.

He’s in love with the idea of her and you can’t compete with that rubbish. I’d tell him you want to separate and do the opposite of pick me. See whether he chooses what’s real - you - but it may be too by then. Nothing less than full cutting of contact instigated by him would be worth a try. I think you might want to consider therapy for you do you can decide what you want.

*too late

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve asked and he that should’ve been the time when he reassured you, except he didn’t. I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. It’s possible your husband’s feelings might disappear or you’ll always be stuck feeling like a second choice whilst your self esteem becomes even more damaged.

This sounds like my worst nightmare, I'm so sorry OP. Like others have said I wonder if it's quite one sided, and perhaps she isn't interested. Either way, it would be the end for me in your situation.

What's your financial situation and support system like? I would confide in someone in real life, don't keep his secret you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I would have to get a divorce.

I just couldn't handle all of this. It would have really bothered me right from the start, and that conversation about not knowing the way in which he loves her... That would have been it.

I'm not saying that you have to leave him. You should do what's right for you. I'm just giving an honest opinion of how I would feel in your shoes. I just couldn't get past this, even if he promised XYZ or she moved away blah blah whatever. The damage has been done.

I wouldn't leave, but I would give my husband an ultimatum. It is very clear that he loves her and he has admitted it. Does he think it's appropriate to have a relationship with another woman he is in love with while he's married? If not then he needs to decide whether he wants to have this other woman in his life or you.

This must be so hard for you. I'm very relaxed about my partners female friendships, but this would massively overstep the mark for me. Many people have the one that got away, but his is still very much in his life, a daily reminder of the perfect life he probably thinks he would have with her. The only way my marriage would continue is if he cut all contact with this woman.

I would be asking him to move out, reconsider his position and return in two weeks with his solution for you to consider.
Meanwhile I would be getting my ducks in a row and my mind attuned to a life without him.
If he returned begging forgiveness and promising never to see her (e.g. change job and move house) I would possibly consider trying to make a go of the marriage but I would have to feel he valued me.
I doubt he will do this so start planning your life without him. 💐

More thoughts, Sazdun.

In the face of H’s appalling behavior and revelations, surely you won’t demean and traumatize yourself by attending OW’s dinner and watching them adore each other. For both of you, all socializing with her must stop immediately. He cannot be ‘friends’ with the woman he’s in love with.

I would actually send H away for a while so you can consider your options. He needs to understand that he has severely damaged his marriage and family, and for you to even consider continuing with him, he has to end his relationship with OW. And he must change jobs. Don’t accept anything less. Be prepared to walk away if he balks.

OP, I normally never comment on threads like these but I couldn't read and run on this. It's painful to read and my heart hurts for yours. This reads like an emotional affair to me. I think you need to have a very honest and firm discussion with your husband about how you're feeling, does he know just how much this has hurt you? Personalty, I would never be able to get over this and if I'm being completely honest - based on what you've described here - I would struggle to believe that they hadn't had some form of physical affair too. Although it does read as though your husband is idolising this woman. I'm so sorry and can only imagine how heartbreaking this is, you are incredibly strong to have carried on this long but you must put yourself, and your girls, first

Your DH is a fool - but don't let him make a fool of you.

I think oftentimes an infatuation will be extinguished by either discovery or the loss of the primary relationship.

If your husband won't take immediate action & end this ridiculous 'relationship' unprompted, I think the only thing to be done is for you to tell him to leave. Don't position yourself as the enemy by forcing him to end it - if he loves you & values what you have, he must do this as a absolute minimum off his own back. Then put his everything into salvaging your marriage & making this up to you.

Don't entertain protracted, fraught discussions - just make it very clear that you deserve better and won't tolerate his idiocy.

I'd ask him to leave so you can have some space for a while.

What would he do if this situation were reversed?

I wouldn't want to stay married to him.

Oh and no way has it been purely platonic between them. Something happened, she married someone else because he wouldn't eventually leave you.