My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he of course loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head

I know that many people would say that he is entitled to have friends of either sex, and yes that is true, but when it comes to your comment above, the "friendship" crosses the line into emotional affair territory.

Admitting that he loves her "but he doesn't know in what way" tells me that he probably does know in what way he loves her , but he doesn't want to admit that to you. I'd put money on the fact that there is an emotional affair going on, and probably has been going on for years , under the radar , with you and her partner none the wiser.

What you do about this, is up to you. Can you live like this now, always wondering if he is going to come home one day and announce that he wants to be with her ? If you can't live with this, you might start looking at separating , as painful as that might be.

I was in a very similar situation many years ago, and I spent a long time feeling like it was all in my head, until I came home early one day and heard them talking in our back garden. Their voices sounded like lovers talking , and in that moment I knew that my suspicions were correct. I only wish I'd figured it out sooner. I got a divorce, and it felt so freeing to be away from that constant worry and suspicion that I'd lived with for all that time.

Only you know what your next step will be, but I'd say that in your situation I'd be looking at separation to give yourself some breathing space . Good luck OP.

I’m sorry, that must hurt like hell.

I would leave. You deserve a husband that loves only you…

I don’t know how you’d carry on as normal from this tbh.

You say life is perfect OP but it is far from that. You have said several conflicting things here which make this seem like an emotional mess.
He met her when he was your fiance, but he went on to marry you and have children with you so he must have known back then that it was you he wanted to be with You then say you think she could do better than the guy she is with but she has married him.

I think you have your husband on some sort of pedestal thinking he should be with her. You are massively over thinking this situation.

Does your husband reassure you that he wants to be with you? Does he bring the subject of this woman up or is it you doing this ?
I think you do not value yourself at all and it is because you have the idea that he would rather be with her but every action says if he wanted to be with her he would have been long before now.
If you carry on thinking like this you will drive yourself mad and probably your husband away.

What he's saying is he's in love with her and stringing you along because it's handy and he has no other options right now when it comes to where to sleep.

He has considered the possibility of hurting you and the girls. It's not out of the question.

Can you cope with him moving somebody else as well as you? I’m polyamorous and have a friend who I love very very much, I’m in love with him and we have a sort of relationship. (He lives hours away but We text a lot, meet up sometimes, and kiss etc.)
My husband knows about this though, I have, and will, never lie to my husband about it. If he told me to break it off with my friend I would, but only because I came out as polyamorous after I had got married (it was hard to come to terms with in a mono-normative society!) and I love my husband and had made that commitment to him!! If I hadn’t been married I think I would’ve just said “being poly is part of me which you have to accept!” And indeed my special friend knows I won’t leave my husband for him, though if we got serious in the future there are routes we could go down to make him feel as important too.
Polyamory isn’t very accepted but it is more common than people think.
I’m not saying your DH is polyamorous, or that you should accept it if he is if you would not be happy sharing but I am saying that at least it seems like he is being honest with you. He isn’t trying to hide his feelings or make excuses. He seems committed to you but might be going through the feelings I did early on in my marriage when j had to come to terms with being in love with someone else as well as my DH.

Talk to him please.

I wouldn't be able to deal with this, it would hurt too much and I would have to end the relationship.

As soon as his soft spot for her starting growing he should have cooled the friendship because it was the right thing to do.

@Bunty55
She's not overthinking, she said he looked like he was about to cry at her wedding...he said there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt the OP and her girls

If he wanted to reassure the OP he would have said I only love her as a friend.

The OP asked if he wanted to be with her and he said there was no point discussing that

That to me sounds like he's saying it's not an option so no point discussing it. That's not a man reassuring his wife. His answer should have been NO! You are the only one I want to be with.

He says he could have left you for her before you got married but that probably wasn’t the case.

She might actually see him as a friend. She might want nothing more.

But he will pine and pedestal what is denied him. This is the way some low value men operate.

I won’t give you advice about your relationship, I will share that my hope is you start to value yourself.

You are the prize.

Point blank

Hi firth however you’d like but I’m telling you to really take the time to value your own worth. For yourself and your children’s sakes.

Lots of errors but you get it

Only you know if you can deal with this. I personally think he’s crossed a line, especially saying there’s no point discussing if he wanted to be with her. Ot course there’s a point discussing that, you’re his wife and you deserve to know

This has been an emotional affair for years even if it hasn't been physical and they've taken blatant advantage of your efforts to be cool with it.
I couldn't get past this.
I'd take it to mean that he's not with her only because she's unavailable.
You've been on eggshells for ages and he's just proved you were right to be.
Put yourself first. He certainly isn't.

I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he of course loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head

I wouldn't tolerate this for a minute (married 30 years)

Stop with the fantasy alternative life thing your husband is indulging in.

Ask him to sit with you for a serious chat tomorrow night after your children are in bed. Tell him you have NO interest in being an also-ran in the romantic/love stakes and you have only interest in being the most important woman in your husband's life. He is clearly unable to provide that so he should move out for a bit while you both consider the situation. You deserve better and you are pretty certain you can get it from another man so could he get out of the way so you can find someone who wants just you instead of a romcom script - fucker.

Don't let him say this self-indulgent, hurtful shit and get away with it. You say you love someone else too - you move out.

He is not a nice man.

I have only said what I e said because someone I considered my best friend through our teenage years into adulthood got married and suddenly decided to tell me that he was actually in love with me. He went in to say he knew I’d never be into him in the way which was true.

It was awful because I was so betrayed. Here I thought I had an actual friend but it was never real. He also in his mind put me in a place I’d never live up to in real life.

It still hurts but I decided to cut him off completely. He needed to tend to his partner and I didn’t sign up for his messy behavior.

I can’t say for sure her role in this. I can say for sure his role isn’t good. You’re idealization of him leads you to think she’d have him, but I would bet she wouldn’t. I am biased though.

You’re the prize

He needs to start winning you. You’re worth it. You deserve a partner that doesn’t cause unneeded anxiety.

I would leave him but that’s easier said than done I know. I would find it easier to walk away than live in that situation though.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything other than see him as a friend here

It seems your husband has more than just friends feelings for her though

How soul destroying, is he capable of understanding that his words are hurting you, or does he just not care.

Stop being the cool wife, you are denying your feelings, I honestly don't know of what benefit it is for him to triangulate you with this woman but it sounds cruel to me.

I would be telling him that I would rather have a husband that is reassuring and puts me first, otherwise what's the point.

He is pointless.

His behaviour is awful.

All of it sounds like he's stayed with you because she wasn't available as anything more than a friendship and that if she'd been open to a relationship, he would have left you.

You deserve better than a man who cries over another woman right in front of you.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

It’s easy to love someone you’re not with on a day to day basis.

There’s a difference between that kind of love and long term commitment / making a life together as you have.

However you need to feel prioritised. If you aren’t feeling like the priority then it’s time to let him know and seek some support for yourself (counselling) to discuss how you move forwards. It may be too difficult for you to live with this friendship. However it may be that if he recognises he could lose you he will start prioritising you.

One thing I would emphasise though is that you have said yourself there is nothing inappropriate in their messages. It’s important to hold onto this. And do consider what you can do to make your life satisfying in terms of your friendships and social life. If you are stuck at home while he is having meaningful friendships and chatty walks to work it’s bound to feel even more challenging.

I wish you well.

That would be the end of the marriage for me.

If I wanted to stay with him, I would be requiring him to find a new job and cut all contact.

How utterly heartbreaking. My best friend went through similar. Her DH decided to “focus on his marriage” when she gave him the ultimatum to choose who he wanted most, and then spent years angry with her because he “missed” the other woman. Just remind yourself that he has nurtured this relationship with her at the expense of your emotional connection as a couple. He could have put the work in to connect with you.

@TwtrT

Oh isn't it easy to fall in love with someone who's never farted you awake.

I'd leave him, he's been an absolute drip and had an emotional affair. He's fantasised about her because he's never lived with the reality. Nobody is perfect, but he's kidding himself that she is.

This!

My so called friend never had to hear me do any of that! Let alone have me snore so loud while sick that I woke MYSELF up.

It’s crazy.

He thinks he is the one calling the shots but it’s not the case.

Betting she won’t have him.

Now what will YOU decide to do? Cuz he isn’t shit. Stop acting like he has any sway.

If he’s so great why couldn’t he make you feel loved and treasured? He’s nothing compared to you. Take back your power.

@BacardiOnATuesday

I’m sorry you are going through this.

It’s easy to love someone you’re not with on a day to day basis.

There’s a difference between that kind of love and long term commitment / making a life together as you have.

However you need to feel prioritised. If you aren’t feeling like the priority then it’s time to let him know and seek some support for yourself (counselling) to discuss how you move forwards. It may be too difficult for you to live with this friendship. However it may be that if he recognises he could lose you he will start prioritising you.

One thing I would emphasise though is that you have said yourself there is nothing inappropriate in their messages. It’s important to hold onto this. And do consider what you can do to make your life satisfying in terms of your friendships and social life. If you are stuck at home while he is having meaningful friendships and chatty walks to work it’s bound to feel even more challenging.

I wish you well.

I think the above is very wise OP. You've had some tough advice from some other posters.

Nothing untoward was found in their messages, to which I would add that weddings are always occasions of heightened emotions. Having married hundreds of couples myself, I could even add that a man who can openly express a bit of joy and emotion is a rare treasure. None of that makes your current situation any less distressing in some ways, but do keep these things in mind.

I would advise against hasty reactions. Clearly the current situation cannot go on and some really honest communication with your husband is needed. He needs to understand how his behaviour and his recent remarks have hurt you, and that the no point discussing it response was completely unacceptable ( though sounds like exactly the sort of daft thing a lot of husbands would say). If you are hurting or uncertain of his feelings, then he should be making every effort to talk to you and reassure you. You are his wife!

Assuming he is able to reassure you, then it seems to me the friend's wedding is a break in their relationship where things could naturally change going forwards. As a first action, you should BOTH nicely decline the dinner invitation, on the basis you are going to let them have some time together as a couple in their new married life. Do not take no for an answer on this. Instead, spend some time together as a couple, reminding yourselves what is so good and important about you two. I can well imagine his friend may well change substantially over the next few years, especially if children come along, and they will naturally have far less time to give to each other.

This is not to let him off the hook and he needs to own how his behaviour and words have upset you, but all is necessarily lost.

I wish you well.

To say a bride looks stunning on her wedding day is not that unusual, and also to watch a bride walk down the aisle - after all, she is the main person in the event.

I agree, it’s sounds like a very deep platonic relationship/emotional affair.

Can you use their wedding as an excuse to draw back on the friendship. Ie. Now they are married he shouldn’t be messaging her so much, the new husband and wife should be given some space in their new marriage etc.

I couldn't read all your opening post, OP. I got to where 'they went for walks' and realised that what I was reading about was an affair.

Don't pursue the matter any further with him. See a solicitor as soon as possible.