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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

208 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 21:43

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

OP posts:
Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 07/03/2022 21:46

Absolute fucker

jytdtysrht · 07/03/2022 21:47

Do you need to log that with the police?

He sounds unhinged.

Yamalt · 07/03/2022 21:47

I’m so sorry OP, what a vile, duplicitous piece of absolute shit he is.

Although you are heartbroken now, you genuinely are better off not with such evil arsehole.

startrek90 · 07/03/2022 21:47

You poor poor thing, I am so sorry. I remember your earlier thread and I thought you sounded so caring. He has fucked it all up. It's not you or her tbh. It's him. Now you have your answers hopefully you can move forward. I am sending you love and sympathy. Hopefully someone else smarter and more switched on than me will come and help. For what it's worth you sound like a lovely caring person and a lovely mum.

BrioLover · 07/03/2022 21:48

Jesus OP. I would also suggest logging that threat with the police, just as a precaution.

What an awful awful man.

You must be going through it right now so ThanksWine

Bananarama21 · 07/03/2022 21:48

Gosh she sounds vulnerable, atleast you know and she does, have you got rl support?

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 07/03/2022 21:49

All I can say to you is think about the worst thing that has ever happened to you and then think about how you survived it. You will get through this but it will take time. Please look after number one

naomi81 · 07/03/2022 21:50

Yep mine did the same, depression etc, he was just shagging someone else and felt guilty

myrtlehuckingfuge · 07/03/2022 21:52

I remember your thread and my first thought was there was someone else. I was however struck by what you said about his appearance which wasn't in keeping with someone 'putting it about'. So on top of his hovel there's a separate place too? He's a complete bastard by the way, this next few months will be hard but trust me (similar but kids were a bit older) it will get better. I thought my ex-h was having a breakdown the whole summer before I found out. It is guilt that causes it.

GreenTeaPingPong · 07/03/2022 21:52

He is a piece of shit. You are the same fabulous person that you've always been. How utterly selfish, cruel and heartless, to tell you to tell his own children that he'll never see them again. Sad
Sorry OP, you will get through this, one step at a time Flowers

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 21:53

He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

Well, he is having a mental health crisis, just a permanent one.

Poor kid. I doubt they'll last. You're well rid of him.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 07/03/2022 21:54

I also support the solid advice to log that threat with the police.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:05

He's blaming me for ruining the 'love of his life' he loves her in a way he never loved me. She's a child for Christ's sake.
I told her he has conned her. She's in love with a fantasy that doesn't exist. I stayed calm and couldn't believe I. Was comforting this young girl. He was saying he hasn't loved me for years in front of her.

I showed her the pictures of my daughters first birthday, the month before he asked her out. Asked her if she thought that was a broken family. He may not have loved me for years but he didn't tell me that.

I didn't call her to split them up, I called for answers and believe any woman in my position would have done the same. I told her that I have nothing to loose, I've lost it already. He has everything to loose in his mind. Why would I lie?

He's told me that I am manipulative, that I have played this to get what I want and make his miserable. I didnt play this. When I dialled that number I didn't know it was her. I just needed answers. I pointed out that I am not a 'physco' or 'unhinged' most women would have slashed this girls tyres and put the windows in. I was rational an led reasonable and hugging her ffs and he told her I was manipulating her!

I'm in shock. Traded in for a younger niave modell. I told her, (and this is the truth) I'm an award winning business women and he is a leech, I've lost it all, for a man I loved.

OP posts:
Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:07

@startrek90

You poor poor thing, I am so sorry. I remember your earlier thread and I thought you sounded so caring. He has fucked it all up. It's not you or her tbh. It's him. Now you have your answers hopefully you can move forward. I am sending you love and sympathy. Hopefully someone else smarter and more switched on than me will come and help. For what it's worth you sound like a lovely caring person and a lovely mum.
@startrek90 that's all I ever wanted to be, a hero for my kids
OP posts:
Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:08

@myrtlehuckingfuge

I remember your thread and my first thought was there was someone else. I was however struck by what you said about his appearance which wasn't in keeping with someone 'putting it about'. So on top of his hovel there's a separate place too? He's a complete bastard by the way, this next few months will be hard but trust me (similar but kids were a bit older) it will get better. I thought my ex-h was having a breakdown the whole summer before I found out. It is guilt that causes it.
They ar reliving in a hovel together. She's 26 but if I told you she was 18, you'd believe me. They are living like students
OP posts:
Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:09

@GreenTeaPingPong

He is a piece of shit. You are the same fabulous person that you've always been. How utterly selfish, cruel and heartless, to tell you to tell his own children that he'll never see them again. Sad Sorry OP, you will get through this, one step at a time Flowers
Thank you. We've grown up together. He met her in the October, asked for her number and left me and our children in the December. It's just despicable
OP posts:
TyrannosaurusRegina · 07/03/2022 22:11

I'm so sorry. What a scumbag he is. You'll come out the other side the winner at the end of this and I have no doubt that he'll come crawling back at some point down the line.

2bazookas · 07/03/2022 22:11

Threat of violence/killing you, made in front of a witness; I'd log it with police.

turnaroundtime · 07/03/2022 22:12

I'm so sorry OP. You have handled yourself so well. But I have to disagree that she is a child. 26 is an adult. I do agree though that she has been well and truly deceived as have you

Bromse · 07/03/2022 22:16

He'll get fed up with it and so will she. It doesn't sound like a lasting relationship to me. Then he will come to you completely broken.

Don't have him back, op, he has treated you and the children very badly. Let him try going it alone and see how he likes it.

I have to say that both having a mental health crisis and having an affair are not mutually exclusive. People often seek comfort in another relationship (which doesn't last), when they are feeling ill. I am not being sympathetic to the man in this case but just stating a fact, it does happen like that sometimes.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:16

@turnaroundtime

I'm so sorry OP. You have handled yourself so well. But I have to disagree that she is a child. 26 is an adult. I do agree though that she has been well and truly deceived as have you
You are right, she is not a child. A very innocent adult. This is they'll first time she has introduced someone to her mum (her dad passed away) and he has lied to her.

Even told her that his mum was desperate to meet her. I called his mum and put her on speaker so she could her her say she didn't even know her existence.

OP posts:
tkwal · 07/03/2022 22:19

The vindictiveness comes from having been caught out while he was trying to convince you he was suffering. He thinks you ruined his happiness because you appearing and putting his girlfriend the true story means she has found out he's a liar and if she has any sense she will run for the hills. The threat to kill you will be taken seriously by the police when you report it and you will be encouraged to take out a non molestation order against him.That means he can be arrested just for being within a certain distance of you. Social Services may well feel that he should only have supervised contact with your children. You cannot trust him. Ever. Have no further contact with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt but he has shown his true colours and you and your children's lives are too precious to let him destroy them. Please take the greatest care of yourselves.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:20

@Bromse

He'll get fed up with it and so will she. It doesn't sound like a lasting relationship to me. Then he will come to you completely broken.

Don't have him back, op, he has treated you and the children very badly. Let him try going it alone and see how he likes it.

I have to say that both having a mental health crisis and having an affair are not mutually exclusive. People often seek comfort in another relationship (which doesn't last), when they are feeling ill. I am not being sympathetic to the man in this case but just stating a fact, it does happen like that sometimes.

I won't be having him back. I was very calm until he told me he was planning on telling our son about her. Out son is 7 and it is still not just feeling real that daddy has gone. I can't believe he was going to tell my son before me. We had agreed a relationship had to be a year old before that happened. It's too much for my son to take.

He doesn't understand he had an affair. He was saying 'I didn't love you for years' but he never told me that. Quite the opposite in fact,

OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:22

He sounds like he wants to.live in fantasy land, like a youth with no responsibilities .. and she fits that.

She's too young and nauve and vulnerable to realise what that says about a man of his age with kids.

He sounds like he'll continue on in that groove, with squatty flags, young women etc. Leave him to it. People find their level.

I can't see if you're married, you need to protect your assets big-time.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 22:22

@tkwal

The vindictiveness comes from having been caught out while he was trying to convince you he was suffering. He thinks you ruined his happiness because you appearing and putting his girlfriend the true story means she has found out he's a liar and if she has any sense she will run for the hills. The threat to kill you will be taken seriously by the police when you report it and you will be encouraged to take out a non molestation order against him.That means he can be arrested just for being within a certain distance of you. Social Services may well feel that he should only have supervised contact with your children. You cannot trust him. Ever. Have no further contact with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt but he has shown his true colours and you and your children's lives are too precious to let him destroy them. Please take the greatest care of yourselves.
Thank you. I will. I paid the deposit for my solicitor this evening and for his. Once he has signed he can f**k him self. I'm also looking to change my kids names to my surname
OP posts: