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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

208 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 21:43

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

OP posts:
MunchyMonsters · 08/03/2022 13:35

You aren't broken OP and you will get through this. It will take time but you will come out stronger Flowers

187mob · 08/03/2022 13:35

@cleanbreak2022

I haven't, I'm scared to. Not because I believe the threat is realistic. He was never violent. I need him to sign over the house and I can't afford for that not to happen.

I looked into just 'logging it' but they will investigate

Okay.. I mean, arrghhh this is difficult. Yes of course you need him to sign over the house and having somewhere to live for you and DC is important. But at the same time you cannot dismiss the threat to kill as irrelevant either. This is really difficult. I would at least make a 101 report stating exactly what you’ve said here, that basically you plan to divorce him and that you do not want anything to affect that process but that he has made a direct threat to kill. Are you concerned they may arrest him? Because tbf they probably will. Hmm. Very tricky situation. Let me think about this and come back to this thread. Hope you are okay otherwise OP. Head up. You’ve got this Flowers
ESGdance · 08/03/2022 13:39

I think that you need to put the physical safety of you and your DCs above money at this time.

Sounds like he has had a MH collapse as well as an affair.

My concern is that you tracking him down, outing his secret with his mother, calling the OW, then visiting them both in what sounds like a hugely emotionally turbulent exchange will have escalated his mental instability.

From your other thread you have described someone who has changed and become erratic almost over night. Now you know he was hiding an affair and he has threatened your life.

I don’t think that you can be complacent here. He is not predicable and his MH will fully implode under stress from the OW (if she leaves or even if she stays) and you are the likely target.

Is there another situation underlying this - does he work? Does he have addictions? It would be odd for him to continue working if his self care is so deteriorated and you forfeiting CMS in lieu of property equity is unusual.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 14:20

He does work, no other addictions that I am aware of.

He looks awful, unkempt. The place was a mess. Like teenagers. I'm surprised a female is even living there

OP posts:
spacehardware · 08/03/2022 14:36

Seriously, you should be more worried about his threat than you are. But at the very least, change the locks. I'd also get a ring doorbell so you have cctv evidence if he starts turning up.

187mob · 08/03/2022 18:14

Seriously, you should be more worried about his threat than you are. But at the very least, change the locks. I'd also get a ring doorbell so you have cctv evidence if he starts turning up.

This, OP. I may have been watching too many documentaries on Netflix, fair enough, will hold my hands up to that. But that does not take away from the reality that these documentaries are based upon. Get those locks changed and get that 101 report filed. ASAP. Please let us know when you have done this.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 19:56

So I have security being fitted tomorrow. New alarm, CCTV and change of locks.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 08/03/2022 20:04

Good! 💐

icelollycraving · 08/03/2022 20:09

Excellent. That’s very productive. You’ll feel safer too.

tkwal · 08/03/2022 20:16

Better safe than sorry with regards to the threat. He's no longer the man you knew and loved, for whatever reason

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 20:20

You were too good for him.

xx

mathanxiety · 08/03/2022 20:31

I understand your reluctance to report the threat.

However-

Does he have a solicitor?
Do you have one?
If yes, is he in touch with the solicitor?
Has an agreement been written up wrt the house by the solicitors acting for you and for him?

If not then bide your time. Get the house sorted. Get the locks and alarms and cameras installed. But immediately the transfer is sorted out you MUST report.

You also need to inform school, childminder, and anyone else taking care of the children or teaching them anything (after school club, coach, ballet teacher etc) that you are the only person who can pick up the children from their premises. If someone else picks them up too, give the ok for that person (CM for instance). Make sure they understand that on no account is your stbx to have the children.

It is very possible that he could become very obstructive and demanding on the house even without you reporting. If that happens, you have nothing to lose and I urge you to report.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 20:54

@mathanxiety thank you. I have a solicitor. I instrued one for him but he won't interest with them. Mainly because he's lazy and doesn't understand (I always took care of everything, he is stupid in that regard). My solicitor told me he doesn't need one really, he can sign the transfer deed, and that's that.

My plan is to secure my home, then report. I have let my immediate neighbours know the situation and informed them to dial 999. Childminder has been briefed and waiting on a call from the school

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/03/2022 21:18

Although you have agreed to not have child maintenance legally that isn't enforceable. He can sign the deeds and you can go to CMS.

His solicitor may explain this to him and it may mean that he doesn't sign the transfer. I really hope he does though.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 21:26

@RandomMess that's exactly what I'm banking on.

OP posts:
Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 08/03/2022 21:55

Of course you will come back from this. I really feel for you in this situation as you sound like a kind and compassionate person, but you are also as you said an award winning business woman. That is not something easily achieved. He is a nothing. You will look after you and yours, and it will be hard, there's no denying that. I really don't want this to sound clichéd but time really does heal so just sit tight look after your little family and as time passes you will appreciate your lucky escape x

PiperPosey · 08/03/2022 22:26

[quote cleanbreak2022]@RandomMess that's exactly what I'm banking on. [/quote]
I'm proud of you... You took immediate steps to safeguard your family and yourself. Good Job!
and all this through heartbreak.
Sadness will keep you in one place..
Anger...Oh I love anger because it moves you forward! Flowers

Justilou1 · 08/03/2022 23:10

You are amazing even if you don’t feel it and things are scary.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2022 01:48

I just want to say that your life is not the one that's the cliche here.

PinkNails1 · 09/03/2022 02:23

@cleanbreak2022 I know you’re hurting, but YABU calling this 26yo woman a “child” and “young girl.” I’m 25 and although I’m young, I’m definitely not a child. I am a woman with a professional career. My parents were younger than you (they were early 20s) when they had me. Being in your 20s is a very very normal age to become a parent, which shows that people in their mid 20s aren’t infants. However, it’s unusual that she has got to the age of 26 before having her first relationship.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 09/03/2022 02:57

First from a practical point of view if you are and award winning business woman and he has leeched off you, it’s probably not the sure bet your imagining that you’ll get to keep house and have him pay CM.
Yes you may deserve that based on his behaviour but tht unfortunately is not how the law works anymore, as many here on Mumsnet will inform women who leave and are encouraged to take what they’re entitled to despite being the one at fault can tell you.

Second this OW is not a child at 26. And even though your husband sound horrible and very probably mentally disturbed and in the middle of some kind of episode, he is right in that it’s manipulative of you to try to break his new relationship up.
For your and your kids sake let these two losers ride off into their crappy sunset together.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2022 04:23

FGS, she didn't try to break up the lovebirds.

He is wrong about everything. Full Stop. He threatened to stick a knife in her head, and he calls her 'manipulative'??

[eyeroll]

She may well have saved this first-time-in-a-relationship young woman the trauma of a relationship with a vicious, lying piece of pondscum. He cut straight to the important bit about himself, saved her years of pain, probably involving babies too.

WTF475878237NC · 09/03/2022 04:38

Yes OP has saved this woman heartache.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 09/03/2022 04:42

@BigOlDingleSlinger69 I haven't tried to break them up at all. They can do as they please.

I wanted answers on why mine and my children's lives, completely changed direction and our family stability be rocked to the core without notice or warning.

I found those answers and walked away. I haven't engaged in any further contact.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 09/03/2022 05:12

Put a claim in for CMS, either change the locks or add an extra lock, leave the keys in the door when you are at home so he can't get in. If you contact the council they can have someone come & add extra security for free, just say it is for DV, mine added extra window alarms, outside lights, a buzzer on my back door if anyone tried to open it, they can also make you a sanctuary room if you need it, usually one of dc bedroom, they put a stronger door on that can be locked so you can lock you & dc in if he breaks in, you can also have a tag put on your phone numbers so if you have to dial 999 you get priority.