So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

[cleanbreak2022]

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

I also remember your other post OP, what an absolute bastard. He sounds completely unhinged.

I'm so sorry. You must feel dreadful.

what a shit he is. Definitely report it

& I agree, definitely report his threats

Oh God he sounds very much like my ex.
I found out he was cheating and went round to speak to the Ow, I sat in the next room secretly listening to him tell her I was just a bitter ex who wanted to ruin their relationship and that i had a boyfriend who lived with me, her not knowing that the boyfriend was him and he'd just left my house to come and meet her.

When I came out his face was a picture and he ended up smashing up the room she lived in.
In the end she believed all his lies and stayed with him, until he done exactly the same thing to her this time with a teenager.
I believe she was only 17 when he started sleeping with her and he was more than old enough to be her father she also stuck around and believed his lies and now has a child with him.

This was almost 10 years ago and neither myself nor my dd have seen him since the day he walked out, he didn't even look me I'm the eye through shame or guilt.

It took me a long time to get over it, but I met a lovely man who took my dd on as his own and I couldn't be happier. It's a long road ahead, but you will get through it.

26 isn’t a young girl by any means very much an adult although sounds naive.I was married with 2 children and a homeowner by then.
You’ve handled yourself so well, he’s made himself look unhinged she won’t forget.

If she stays with him, she'll regret it, but that's her mistake to make. Twenty-six is old enough to know better than to trust him, now that she's learned what a liar he is.

She'll probably eventually leave him. I can guarantee he'll end up sorry for what he's done, though he may never be man enough to admit it. He's thrown away your relationship and forever tarnished how his children will view him, even if he ever realises how horrible he's been and attempts to make things right with them.

The only things that truly matter in life, he's ruined and tossed aside, and he'll come to understand it in time. The older he lives, the more clearly he will see what a fool he has been, but he might be too proud to ever admit it.

How did she respond when he threatened your life?

I know this isnt a mental health crisis but leaving you for a younger woman then telling you he hasnt loved you in years and the kids will never see him etc sounds like he may be having a mid life crisis, instead of getting a shiny new car he got a shiny new woman, no disrespect intended op

@RockinHorseShit

He's a dick, but you know what, the way you handled meeting his GF is awe inspiring. You are bloody amazing & are waasay too good for this sad, trying to relive his youth, dickhead. You really do not need him. However hard it might feel at times, you have absolutely got this

Id say this was spot on, you've been very mature about it given the circumstances, it is inspiring, you're strong you can do without him and be better for it

Ring the police and tell them he's completely off the rails and has made a specific, detailed threat to kill you.
What a woman you are to reach out to that naive young woman and offer comfort in your own time of shock and pain. That says so much about you. An incredibly kind and brave woman.
But now you've done that, fgs step away. You've done right by her
Now do right by yourself.
Actively look to your own safety. Tell anyone you can what's happened.
As the shock subsides you'll look back on this time and thank your lucky stars that you're no longer with this wicked, manipulative liar.
Look after your financial and legal rights if you haven't already. Really important to get good advice there. Best of luck.

Well in theory she has done you a massive favour, and equally you have done her one - but she may not realise it. I hope she does, and dumps his sorry arse.

I'm sorry for you heartbreak, and for your kids - but he sounds absolutely pathological and I wouldn't have him near me ever again.

He does believe that he hasn't loved you for years, because that's how he's re-written history in his head, to get out of feeling guilty for what he's done to you and his family - this is standard practice for the cheating man (and possibly woman, I don't know so much about them). Guilt doesn't sit well with them so they change things around to prove to themselves, and then others, that actually they did nothing wrong at all, and it's entirely your fault. It's so boringly standard!

I'm glad you've found out now though - at least you can move on with your life, hopefully untroubled by him in the future.

I am sooooo pleased that you have found your fire!!! Very proud of you for showing compassion to the twit that’s fallen for the gambling tumour that is your STBXH. Your kids deserve better. He doesn’t deserve to feel the power from thinking you are diminished by his loss. Your life will only be easier and happier without him in it. You will no longer have that anxiety hanging over you about the gambling. You won’t have to wonder if he’s lying to you. You won’t even have to deal with his laundry or give a shit if the house is stocked with his favourite snacks. He will soon be a non-thing.

Don't wait- call the police. It will provide some protection for you and your DC. Do it first thing in the morning if not now.

He's dangerous and had made a very specific threat to you. No "I'd like to kill you, bi*!" Instead, he's given you a very direct, ideated picture of his violent hatred and what he wants to do to you.

You aren't safe around him, and neither are your children. An police report of what he's said and done will give you an official trail. You may need this later to stop or limit his time with the kids, or God forbid if he tries to get custody.

I am so, so sorry for what's happening to you. I'm sure you realize a breakdown doesn't explain or excuse this.

Good for you at getting a solicitor right away. Please be just as quick to report him.

Actually yes. Call the police. He does have a history of MH issues and honestly, I think all women should take threats like this seriously. If you don’t call the police, how will he behave if they break up?

Please, call the police. The scariest, most dangerous time for women in a relationship is the ending. Take his threat seriously. The fact he detailed what his thoughts to harm you is even more serious. Call the police and get a no contact order of whatever sort they will give you. Do it as soon as you can.

Who knows what he is capable off. It’s not worth risking. He is not the man you knew. He is now a cheating lying potentially mentally unstable person. Stay say. Keep your eyes open.

I am so sorry he has done this to you. Be smart now. Call the police and be safe.

Idealise, devalue, discard. He's a classic Narcissist. They are hideous. Nasty fucks.

Allowing himself to look all dishevelled and abused? Classic.

Living in a shithole with the new supply who believes him? Classic.

You absolutely MUST concentrate on finances right now.

Open a new account in your sole name - you can do this online. Transfer any joint savings into it.

If you have a joint bank account, ring the bank and say there is domestic abuse and tell them to freeze it.

He will fuck your credit record. He probaby already has, and it's a real pain turning that around.

You are in shock, horrified, grieving, angry, afraid. But you must pull on your steel-capped boots and be a lioness. There is shit to sort out to disentangle yourself. You can do it - clearly: you have shown your valour and integrity . The young girl means nothing.

When they discard, narcissists leave a trail of destruction in their wake. They really don't give a feck. This is in your favour however. Because you have a window to sort out some of the legal and financial mess. Do the emotional stuff later.

I am also echoing what previous posters are saying about calling the police. Now that he knows he’s been exposed, either he’s going to lie to her saying she’s been manipulated by you or she will actually believe you. If it’s the latter, I fear he will become more unhinged. Also, even if she believes him, it’s best to make sure he cannot come near you or your children again.

Stay safe I hope you have real life support as well to get through this.

@cleanbreak2022
My goodness...What a horrendous shock.

I'm so sorry.

The same thing {except I was 27, the OW was 40's!} happened to me...
I phoned a number I'd found, and it was a colleague of DH.

She had the utter cheek to come round and say that I was ''mentally unwell for suggesting that she was having an affair with my DH

Anyway..DH left shortly after to live with her.

She so say was ''the ONE''
She was a beast to our son, really horrible.

and they got married as soon as the divorce came through, and two years later, he was kicked out.

It was all deeply stressful.

DS still feels real betrayal over it, despite being a man now.

I'm so sorry.
Goodness knows if their ''Relationship'' will last though.

She'll probably get pregnant asap , I'd guess.
That is what the 40's woman tried to do..

PS, OP, Please also call the police.That ''knife through head'' threat is serious and wicked.
He sounds demented.

@ESGdance

How did she respond when he threatened your life?

This was my immediate thought, too.

He sounds awful. Yet she {the 27 yr old woman, not a girl, a woman} might be immature enough to believe all his lies and utter garbage.

oh lady-thats shite.you deserve a cape.
I get the hurt n horror. you handled this-outstandingly well. Please,please contact womans aid.
his horrendous behaviour isnt madness.NEVER forget,he knows what hes doing. the head knife thing needs markt down(despite you comforting her you know..thats not the end for her..)walk away from that.
the tell your 7yold.is a far easier likelyhood.
i cant stress the scummybaggery that this man is capable of.its way more repulsive n pathetic than youd think to be imagineable.
please.dont let it continue. i know it hurts,but
get as far away from him as fast as you can....

OP.....
"That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness."
OK..yes absolutely notify police..

and how did you destroy his happiness if the chick is still with him?
Good God... Narcisstic Victim ignorance.

"Put a knife through your head"... that is absolutely disgusting. I would personally get that comment recorded with the police incase you ever need to use that as evidence when it comes to childcare/fb in the future. That is a. Threat and it's emotional abuse.
What an absolute vile man.
My husband and left me out fo the blue when I was pregnant with our second. There was absolutely no OW, I'm certain but for a long time I was worried about his well being as it was such a shock.
You need to concentrate on your own and how you are going to move forward. Speak to minds matters/women's aid and get some support.
Sending lots of love Op ♥️

@cleanbreak2022 I’m so very very sorry.

His actions and words are unforgivable, I also would call the police.

You know now, you have your answer. Lean on people irl to help you through the next stage of truly pushing for the settlement you deserve.

Do not berate yourself for showing compassion and kindness. You are a wonderful wife and mother and those traits are to be valued. But now you show your teeth and you get rid if this nasty piece of shit.

Self care and proceed by getting straight onto the solicitors.

I know you must be absolutely devastated, but time does heal and you and your children will get to the other side together and stronger than before.

I’m sending you a hug because you need it right now.

@cleanbreak2022

You must report that specific and detailed threat to kill you.

He has thought or fantasised about killing you - he didn't say 'I'll stick a knife in you' or 'I'll kill you'. He has a specific place he wants to stick that knife. Using a knife is a very up close and personal way to kill someone, very savage, visceral.

Please, please, please report that.

The OW may or may not back you up. It all depends on what she has decided to do about the relationship. Tell the police the exact circumstances in which the threat was made. Make sure you have a record of the call to his mother that occurred when you confronted them. It should be in your call log. They will not want to talk about that call since it exposed the lies. Do not erase that call log.

Do not let him see or talk to your children until a court forces you to let that happen.

When you spoke of him worshipping the ground you walked on I immediately thought 'narcissist'. You are a victim of narcissistic devaluation, and while there is often no way to predict the extent of the devaluation or the hatred directed at the person who was formerly placed on a pedestal, you have heard from his own lips the extent to which he hates you. Please don't discount that threat.