So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

[cleanbreak2022]

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

Good - keep her on side as a witness to the threats.

Don't get sucked into a detailed exchange or ongoing contact with her. He will almost certainly sweet talk her, and then anything you've texted her will be share with him and spun against you. Months from now he will be in a smart suit trying to convince a judge you've alienated his children, so don't give him ammo

She's 26 and has her own friends, family and support. She's not your problem.

That's horrendous. I'm so sorry. Although I do have to say... 26 is hardly a young girl. She's not far off 30. You don't need to feel too sorry for her unless you think she's maybe got some kind of learning difficulty that makes her very very naive. Either way you're very kind for treating her so nicely.

I'd say the horrid threats mean I'd be reporting it to the police. Never take risks when it comes to ex partners going postal. And he sounds a bit deranged tbh.

I would have nothing more to do with either of them. You need to concentrate on you and your children. Be very reasonable with him, get stuff in writing just in case you need it.

Hopefully his mum will tell him exactly what she thinks, and ensures the new girlfriend knows the truth of the matter when she meets her as opposed to the web of lies he has spun to her and has no doubt tried to back up by saying you are a crazed liar?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you were worried for him and only wanted to check he was okay. I hate what he’s doing to your children, it would have been so hurtful for him to tell your young son out of the blue.
The ow seems genuine tk me. She might end up taking him back because like you said this is her first real relationship, she would have thought it was going somewhere. Hopefully her friends and family will make her see sense as it’s not really been that long for them!
You now need to decide if you want to keep contact with her.
I think it’s great you’ve already spoken to solicitors and got everything going.
You are indeed a superwoman protecting her children and can get through this!
It’s tough and painful but soon you’ll see that you definitely don’t need a man like that in your life!

Please report his threat of violence to the police asap. Belt and braces, it's not all about the financials, consider the potential for longer term hassles and child access issues.

You have lost nothing, your kids have lost nothing, your husband is lying to himself to justify his actions, he did love you and it was real but now he is minimising those feelings to justify his actions. This is the hard bit, it physically painful for you now, I remember thinking “if I was in this much pain from a physical injury I would be hospitalised” but it was emotional pain so I was expected to get on. What I would say is 1. Book yourself some counselling sessions, (and maybe some family counselling) yes you need to be strong for your kids but you need to be strong for you too and that starts with self care, reach out to friends and family and tell them you need their support, whether that’s practical or emotional, babysitting, a night out, a shopping trip, round for a coffee, whatever you need! And did I read that correctly that he said he isn’t going to see that kids? I’d get that via lawyer. This is the hardest bit of all, do NOT say anything negative about him to the kids, totally fine to state facts, you sound reasonable and level headed so I’m sure you have got this, 38 is very young, you can go out and live your own life and give your kids an amazing upbringing in a home of positivity and support, you aren’t there yet and you may not believe this but one day soon you will be excited by the possibilities and not having to consider another adult. Wishing you all the best

The same thing happened to me. When I found out I told her she could keep him. Turned out he had told her we had split up. Then she dumped his ass too! Concentrate on you and your children. Go grey rock so you can try and get your finances etc sorted. Get some good legal advice. If you feel he is a risk to your children due to living conditions etc see if he can have them somewhere else with a family member. If he is unstable then you can choose not to let him have the children on their own.

It may not seem like it now but now you have seen the real him - you would never wish that on anyone! His green grass is no longer green but withering. Be prepared for him to get nastier when things are not so good for him. They like to make it all about your fault when the reality is they are the ones that are broken inside. If he threatens you, you must record it with the police.

Report his threats to the police.

The OW is 26 so not a girl and I can bet you that she won’t be dumping him anytime soon.

In my experience there's only one reason men seek out younger women and it's because there's a power dynamic that means he's usually in control.

So not only has he cheated on you, and emotionally abused you l, and threatened to kill you (go to the police btw), but he probably went for her because you aren't as easy to control or manipulate.

He's not in love with her. He's the poster boy for abusive men.

@spacehardware

Don't get sucked into a detailed exchange or ongoing contact with her. He will almost certainly sweet talk her, and then anything you've texted her will be share with him and spun against you. Months from now he will be in a smart suit trying to convince a judge you've alienated his children, so don't give him ammo

She's 26 and has her own friends, family and support. She's not your problem.

This is extremely good advice.

Sorry you’re having to deal with his awful lies and deceit. He’s a history re-writing bastard and you sound incredible and so strong. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you WILL start to be relieved he is no longer in your life.

You sound absolutely brilliant op! I am glad you know he is not worthy of your love, care and concern now rather than years later.

This is only a blip in your life, you and your DC will be fine as you sound highly organized, compassionate, honest and loyal; all the things in life that you need for success.

You are all the things your ex is not. He is not a good role model for your son so keep your head held high, your life is going to improve without the deceit.

Congratulations and good luck to new beginnings

You poor lamb.
Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

He doesn't know it but he is following a script.
Please read Runaway Husbands, by Vikki Stark
amazon.co.uk/Runaway-Husbands-Abandoned-Recovery-Renewal/dp/0986472107/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1VJ9W5YBSF6CT&keywords=runaway+husbands&qid=1646727337&sprefix=runaway+husbands%2Caps%2C84&sr=8-1]]

It will make you realise you aren't alone, that he really is a dickhead, and most importantly, that is was nothing you did or could have done to stop him.
All my love to you and know that you aren't alone.

@cleanbreak2022 whatever you do, don’t let him see the children ever again. Fuck that whole “children need to see their father” bullshit that people spout. He’s a physical and psychological danger to his children and will use them and spit them out. Protect them by stopping all contact. Tell them this is what their new family looks like and find ways to help them cope. They and you will be much better without him going forward.

I'm really sorry to hear this has happened to you. Know that you will get through it. You will look back one day and see that this is a bullet dodged.

I have to say, though that this reinforces my cynicism when people post that they are worried about their partners "mental health". In almost every single case when this is raised as a possible reason for shit behaviour it will turn out that there's an OW.

There has been a very sad thread on here recently where an OP's husband swanned off on holiday for weeks and the OP was tying herself up in knots worrying about his mental health. Lo and behold, he was shagging his way around Europe with a new girlfriend.

"Mental health" has become the new figleaf for an affair and cynical men are all too happy to use this to carry on with all manner of shit behaviour. Improving awareness of men's mental health is a good thing overall but a lot of men are using it to get away with murder.

Agree with the others about cutting contact esp with OW. Not your job to educate her on your DP, and don't get caught up in how many lies he's told her. It would be easy to.

All energy on your kids. Report the threat to the police as that's serious.

Leave it to him to see the kids, don't facilitate it. Its his job - you may feel that it's best for the kids so you get caught up in the drama of what he wants - don't. If he can't be bothered, then he's not fit to be in their lives.

I agree with everyone else - focus on protecting your family unit - that's you and the DC, and emphatically not him. If he refuses to see his kids, all the better - take him at his word on that. You're strong, you have financial security, you're fully independent and the world is your oyster. You will heal from this.

You need to report his threat to the police and also I'd phone SS.

Here's why.

In a few months, the memory of today will have faded for this much younger woman - denial is an incredibly, incredibly potent thing.
She'll start to wonder why he doesn't see his kids.
Maybe start to talk about her own kids.
He will then rush to introduce YOUR kids into this relationship to a) shut her up and b) prove his fatherly creds, why not when you've got a 26 year old to run around and nanny them, eh?

You will NOT BE ABLE TO STOP THIS unless there's a paper trail. Which you have to work on creating, starting today.

Please, please take this seriously. Life is long, memories fade and desperate men do desperate things.

I am so sorry to read your update op.

But I have to say you sound like an amazing woman. I can’t imagine the pain you are currently going through but know that none of it is on you. It’s all him.
He’s a liar and a cheat and don’t listen to his vile words about never loving you. He’s saying that to make himself feel better, less like the arsehole he actually is.
With regards the ow, she sounds like she’s as much a victim of him as you. She may not leave immediately as she sounds quite naive but rest assured that once she gets over the shock I very much doubt she’ll be hanging around. She’s seen a side to him that sounds horrendous. And you are a lovely lovely person to comfort her when you saw she was also hurt by him.

About his threat. Please log it with the police. You may not think he’ll actually hurt you physically, but you also I’m guessing didn’t think he’d have an affair and hurt you emotionally like he has with his words and actions. And he doesn’t sound like he’s very stable right now. If the ow does walk out on him he may be tipped over the edge.
Please log it to protect you and your child, as it also means if he turns up at your house angry at you, drunk, scaring the dc the police will come sooner as it’s already logged with them.

I think he’s going to be single soon and either living with Mummy (couldn’t happen to a nicer pair) or alone in his squat.

Please call the police.

So sorry for all you're going through Op, this awful man has turned your life upside down. I know you feel wretched but you need to get all the practical things in place, he'll try to punish you for his wrong doings now he's been found out.
Make sure he can't run up an overdraft on the bank account especially if he is a gambler, get extra security on your home, tell the school so he can't try and take the DC, tell the police about his threats so it's on record.
If he's a narc he will have no morals about behaving badly so please protect yourself.

Sorry you are going through this. You will be ok, it's just going to take some time. You must be in a state of shock.

I'm in a total mess.

I'm going to try and arrange childcare to go on longer in the day, but it's money I simply don't have on top of paying him off.

I think at the moment he will be desperate to cut ties with me so should sign the paperwork although he may challenge the pay off sum now.

I hope she leaves him, but I forgave his cheating once before. Whilst I was in labour I developed an infection (an allergy to latex) but he told me I needed an STI check. I was in labour for 3 days, me and my son almost died and he drops that bomb shell.

Wow. What goes through some men's heads? Im so sorry this has happened to you. You have done nothing wrong. Keep on being strong for your dc.

I'd also contact the police and ask for their advice about your ex's threats. He sounds deranged. If his gf leaves him as a result of all this, there may be repercussions, so please be be aware of that.

Sending hugs.