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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

208 replies

cleanbreak2022 · 07/03/2022 21:43

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 08/03/2022 09:23

You had adrenaline coursing through you yesterday and now that's crashed, you're going to feel awful. Be kind to yourself today, take it easy and try to focus on something else if you can.

Now's the time for self-preservation mode. And be really careful about contact with the OW.... if they stay together, it could go against you and be deemed as harrassment etc. Keep a dignified silence, and I'd block her number. She's got the information now, and it's up to her what she does with it.

You can do this - you've lost a cheating deadweight, have got amazing DC and life can only get better. Stay strong Flowers

Sswhinesthebest · 08/03/2022 09:27

Did she hear the threat about the knife in your head. Hopefully that will have driven the message home to her about what sort of person he is.

EmJay19 · 08/03/2022 09:29

Thank for god this man doesn’t live with your children anymore

EastYorksLass · 08/03/2022 09:30

Couldn't leave without commenting - definitely log with the police what he said about the knife. He is a terrible human being - you will be better off long term without this man but for now it will hurt and be so raw and I am so sorry for your pain. Please get a great solicitor, support from friends, family and hold your head up high and look forward to a future without this knob head.

wildseas · 08/03/2022 09:30

I’m so sorry - this sounds awful.

One practical tip someone gave me when I split with my kids dad and he wasn’t seeing them was to let them write letters to him when they’re missing him. Have a box somewhere and any time they’re missing him they can write to him/draw etc. It helped mine get loads of those feelings out.

Amandasummers · 08/03/2022 09:32

Wow op. What an absolute scumbag of a man. You’re holding yourself higher than I ever would!!!!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 08/03/2022 09:36

I know this idea of 'logging with the Police' comes up on MN quite a lot. The Police said to me about a death threat that I either needed to report the death threat, or not - I couldn't 'log' anything and it doesn't work like that. I would need to report it; and they would need to investigate it. Which of course is good. (The Police were pretty good in my case.)

billy1966 · 08/03/2022 09:39

Please report his threat to you with the police.

You will get through this.

Your children are lucky to have one wonderful parent.

Tell his mother the truth about his threats to kill you.
Flowers

TheOrigRights · 08/03/2022 09:40

@jytdtysrht

Do you need to log that with the police?

He sounds unhinged.

You know you can't just log things with the police. They will either dismiss something or take it further, not just keep things on file 'just in case'.

Maybe if there is already a case open you might be able to add to it, but I read this a lot on here and it's a falacy.

Any indication of DV then the police have to investigate.

TheOrigRights · 08/03/2022 09:40

I see Spinning has already said the same. Sorry.

flyingdream · 08/03/2022 09:42

@TheOrigRights is still report it. If anything was to happen in the future. It's there as evidence that threats were made.

Psuedoshoes · 08/03/2022 09:45

What a vindictive, gaslighting arsehole he is. He'll regret his choices soon (if not already). You are so much better off without this man. I've been happily single by choice for 5 years now and it's due to the fact my ex was very much like yours - tried to convince me I was going crazy when in actual fact he had OW (plural) on the go. Hope you're ok OP, you don't deserve this treatment at all Flowers

TheOrigRights · 08/03/2022 09:46

[quote flyingdream]@TheOrigRights is still report it. If anything was to happen in the future. It's there as evidence that threats were made.[/quote]
I don't understand what you're saying, sorry.

LakieLady · 08/03/2022 09:54

So sorry you're going through this OP, but you are handling it brilliantly. I'm awestruck.

Definitely report the threats, he sounds completely unhinged. And I'm glad you're getting legal advice.

Flowers
Sceptre86 · 08/03/2022 09:59

I'd block the ow number and resist the desire to contact her. Her situation is her own and what she does or doesn't do is none of your business. She isn't a child, a naiive adult maybe but still an adult and if she wants to stay with him that is her choice. Your relationship is dead in the water and you need to take steps to move forward on your own which you are doing. Maybe speaking to your Gp and getting some counselling is a good idea as you have a lot of rage, understandable but you've got to let it go. He treated you unjustly and sounds unhinged. His threatening behaviour towards you is a real red flag and I would be putting in a complaint with the police. Put all your energy in protecting your assets and safeguarding your child. Best of luck op.

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 10:04

Thanks for all your wonderful supportive messages. I keep rereading and it's helping.

I just don't feel I can pick myself up again.

OP posts:
VVKills27 · 08/03/2022 10:14

You can and will pick yourself up again. You have been deceived and betrayed by a hideous excuse for a man. He is clearly not who you thought he was, he sounds like a revolting pig.

You have conducted yourself with dignity and strength.

Leave them to it now, you have so much ahead of you, your beautiful children and wonderful opportunities will come your way because you are clearly a thoroughly decent and capable person.

I’m sure life feels so difficult and like a bad dream but every day will give you space and strength to forge ahead without this pathetic excuse for a human treating you despicably.

And yes, do report this to the police, it is a repulsive threat and it must be acknowledged - he needs to realise there are consequences.

ProudAlly · 08/03/2022 10:23

@Gowithme

Yeah I agree with narc, he'll worship the ground she walks on.........until he doesn't. No one can be perfect enough. He ego tells him he deserves someone perfect because he's 'younique, misunderstood, under appreciated' and right now she's his idea of perfect - but his low self esteem will then slowly pick her apart and find her wanting. He will lie like a psychopath, narcs do to get what they want. He will gas light like no other. He will completely rewrite history, he will come up with anything to justify his actions, he will never be in the wrong or to blame.

I'm sorry this was done to you OP but I don't think you could ever have known, they are masters of deception and can live a complete lie without anyone else realising. But he'll never be happy OP, he's not capable of love - he's demonstrated that with what he's said about the children. He's not capable of it and that means his existence will always be miserable.

I totally agree with this. Been there. got the tshirt.
RandomMess · 08/03/2022 10:55

Sending hugs Thanks

Drinkingallthewine · 08/03/2022 11:49

The immediate issue here is that his threat to you could become a reality if OW does in fact leave him now.
He won't look at how his own lies and actions caused that.
He will believe that you caused it by telling the truth to her.
And he really might want to put a knife in your head. Or worse, punish you by hurting your children.

Please report this to the police. If it's empty threats, then the fact that you and the police took it seriously enough should give him enough of a fright to make him fuck off. If it isn't an empty threat then you have their protection for you and your children. But please, talk to the police.

187mob · 08/03/2022 12:03

Sorry OP I’ve not RTFT but I just want to know if you have called the police yet about his threat to kill? Please let me know Flowers

Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 12:10

I haven't, I'm scared to. Not because I believe the threat is realistic. He was never violent. I need him to sign over the house and I can't afford for that not to happen.

I looked into just 'logging it' but they will investigate

OP posts:
theveryhungrycatapillar · 08/03/2022 12:11

What a twat!! I'm sorry OP, you are worth a thousand of his sorry cheating arse! Make sure you tell the police about the threat! You can do this. It won't feel like it now but in years to come you'll look back and he glad I promise xx

Billybagpuss · 08/03/2022 13:01

@cleanbreak2022

I'm in a total mess.

I'm going to try and arrange childcare to go on longer in the day, but it's money I simply don't have on top of paying him off.

I think at the moment he will be desperate to cut ties with me so should sign the paperwork although he may challenge the pay off sum now.

I hope she leaves him, but I forgave his cheating once before. Whilst I was in labour I developed an infection (an allergy to latex) but he told me I needed an STI check. I was in labour for 3 days, me and my son almost died and he drops that bomb shell.

Have you put in a claim for cms?
Original poster
cleanbreak2022 · 08/03/2022 13:13

@Billybagpuss not yet, we agreed a settlement on the house in lieu of CMS

OP posts: