So it was OW and not a mental health crisis

[cleanbreak2022]

So I posed on Friday looking for advice with my separation from. My ex. We is 40 I am 38 we have two children and a mortgage.

He left me on it if the blue two weeks before Christmas with a 7 yr old and a 16 month old.

My post on Friday was out of concern for to edp mental health, I had found his current address and and was concerned he had as living in a separate substandard environment and I was very worried about his mental health,

Today I found a number and called it. It was the other woman/girl. She is 26.

I then visited their little love nest and he was there. He has told her a fuck tonne of lies about our relationship. Apparently I have been off with a fella and we broke up 1-2 years ago.

Abolsute lie. He left the it of the blue, 2 weeks before Xmas.

She is a young girl and this is her first relationship. He has told her abhorrent things about me. And lie after lie.

I am heart broken. There I was, concerned he was having a mental health episode. He then told me I can tell our kids why he will never see them again. That he despises me and would 'plunge a knife through my head' for destroying his happiness. He loves her and I should get it through my 'thick head' that he hates me.

I ended up hugging her and comforting her. I can't believe this has happened. I loved him.

I don't have any advice OP, but I just wanted to say that I feel like it's obvious from your posts that you're a very kind and good person. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, so incredibly unfair

@BigOlDingleSlinger69 She thought he was having a mental health crisis. Its all very well him wanting to ride off into the sunset leaving their family in tatters, but she has every right to try to understand what happened. If speaking to them achieves that then she has every right to. I think cleanbreak has shown herself to be kind and certainly more composed than I would be since her partner has started acting the maggot. She is no ones doormat and if speaking to them makes the situation clearer to her then that was the best thing to do.

It also doesn't matter how young or old op views the ow. She understands that ow is also blameless in this situation so may see her to be vulnerable hence younger. It makes q change from anger being misdirected to ow instead of sbxp

I'm using enough energy keeping it together without wasting more breaking them up. The clock will be ticking on that one anyway (if she's taken him back). Their sun will already be setting.

Did she see / hear the “knife in the head” comment?

@cleanbreak2022

OP I’m not telling you this for any other reason than practical compassion but this new relationship may not break up and things may not go as smoothly regarding divorce as you hope. That is no justification for your husbands horrible behaviour, but in this blameless divorce society of ours it’s not going to matter the circumstances of your husband leaving (and he can lie about you as well) as regards the financial settlements and custody and such.

OW may well believe his lies as she doesn’t know either of you and obviously given her feelings is more likely to believe him than you and if she doesn’t then the next woman he gets with may. It’s quite possible that OW or some other woman who can’t see through your husband will be spending sometime with your kids - if your husband decides to go for some level of custody to benifet himself as regards divorce settlement and is prepared to lie to get it. Given his character as you’ve described it this doesn’t seem that unlikely. You may know what your husband has said and done but he can lie about that in court and lie about you as well, be prepared for that.

I’m not saying that to excuse him as he’s been a pig (and obviously has some serious issues as well) but it may be a situation you have to live with from now on.

I presume so. He said it on the road outside their house. She was behind the door. I'm pretty sure he said it again whilst we were in the house all together but I can't be 100% sure on that one

@BigOlDingleSlinger69 he won't fight me for the children. He wouldn't want to have to look after them. I've been begging him to be an active part of their lives before we even split.

The separation may not go as smoothly as o am hoping. I completely understand that and it terrifies me. He has a low paying low skilled job. He doesn't have the knowledge or confidence (I believe) to take this anywhere. He may ask for more in a settlement but I am working on raising funds for that.

I've read all the advice on these boards, as a woman, I have protected myself financially (at the moment although there are some glaring errors on my part). We are not married, I refused to marry as one day (a long time from now) I will inherit and will be wealthy/very comfortable. The advice in that situation, where the woman holds financial power is to not marry. I had a healthy emergency fund saved for 'if one day he leaves'. I guess deep down I knew it was coming and started preparing. Our lives went in different directions, my career took off and he wasn't able to compete/cope

@Teaandtoastedbiscuits thank you for articulating what I couldn't. Young is the wrong word.

Naive/timid and shell shocked by the revelations. He first go at love and she's embroiled in an affair and separation, without knowledge.

Bastard

He sounds like a total drain - had previous affair(s), zero motivation career wise and refused to participate in parenting and family life…..and now won’t see his children ever again?

Why were you with him as it seems you always had one foot out the door to protect yourself financially - sounds like a lot of resentment and contempt on both sides?

I would reframe this and see it as offloading a waste of space that has never stepped up and caused you untold heartache. Your DCs don’t need to be raised in a toxic stressful contemptuous home like this - maybe in your own mind thank this OW for keeping him distracted and soothed whilst you extricate yourself from this.

Focus on your future and the emotional well-being of your DCs - protect yourself physically and remove yourself and detach as much as you can from any drama - don’t let it seep into your home.

@cleanbreak2022

Actually the sensible advice for anyone who holds financial power in that way if they want to protect themselves is not to marry. However if it were suggested a man not marry the mother of his children to keep her from getting his inheritance or “his” money he would be called abusive on these boards and told this contributed to the breakup.

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@cleanbreak2022

Actually the sensible advice for anyone who holds financial power in that way if they want to protect themselves is not to marry. However if it were suggested a man not marry the mother of his children to keep her from getting his inheritance or “his” money he would be called abusive on these boards and told this contributed to the breakup.[/quote]
Agreed it would be, if she was a stay at home parent. However, he was not a stay at home parent. He was working and contributing a lower percentage of his income to bills etc. His life with me, in anyway, did not prevent him from furthering his career and limiting earning capacity. That is what is considered where the man has financial power. The woman has limited earning capacity as she hasn't furthered her career due to brining up children, enabling the man to progress. That is not what happened here, in fact, I work less hours and could almost be considered part time.

The decision to not marry was not a straight conversation as you imagine. We had discussed it many times over the years, but the question was never 'popped'. When I read these boards it came to my mind (as he was letting me carry more and more) to not force the issue. It suited me and my financial interests.

The money is not mine yet, so I can't and won't consider I was financially abusive, if we were married at this point, it wouldn't make a bit of difference. However; if we were married and i came to the inheritance, I would be facing a very different future.

@ESGdance yes, he was a drain. Rightly or wrongly, we met young, I believed in fairy tales. Like my parents.

I believe and still do believe in the family unit and would have done everything to deliver that stability.

Over the years it became more obvious I was running the family alone. The saving of the money started after an ectopic pregnancy and further losses. It was for IVF. That was my intention. However, I had a successful pregnancy with my daughter. By this point covid hit, home schooling and home working for me with a newborn saving the business with no support, I had a niggling feeling to keep my emergency fund.

For what it's worth, the % of his income to the family allowed him to save also, the fact he chose not to, isn't my responsibility

People always misunderstand inheritance in marriage - it is NOT a joint asset if left to one spouse - it only becomes a joint asset for consideration in divorce if the recipient moves it into joint financial stuff - eg paying off mortgage / buying improving a new home.

You have done nothing wrong apart from
I would suggest stayed with someone incompatible and for forgiving and tolerating too much for too long.

It sounds like this absolute cattle tick of a man attached himself to OP, hoping to sink his claws into her future inheritance. He is a grub.

Crikey he sounds like a right catch and if he were older he could be my ex as he likes much much younger girls.

What astounds me is how quickly we are as women to be taken in by men like this. I confess I am one of those women but it just baffles me. My ex similarly rubbished me to all and sundry spouting lie after lie. He also told me the most abhorrent things about one particular ex and I just believed it without question and almost understood why he left her in the most spiteful and unkind way. It almost provided justification for what he did and said about her and her DC which in hindsight and after lots of therapy is insane.

Your exes new gf will see through him at some point, they can’t keep up the pretence indefinitely and the mask soon slips.

Just be ready for him to come knocking on your door professing that you are his one true love, that you are his only source of happiness and your DC mean everything to him. Focus on what he’s doing to your DC, the pain and misery he is causing them and use that to slam the door in his face.

Stay strong OP

I won't even open the door. I'll know who it is with my new shiny CCTV!

Nothing remotely helpful to add but I think you sound like you're doing fantastic! You sound like a fantastic mother

@cleanbreak2022, you were extremely smart to take care of your finances the way you did and don't let any of the bleeding hearts here tell you otherwise.

Is anyone here who is bleating about the menz suggesting this man would do anything for his children with the OP's money today if it was available to him?

How're you coping @cleanbreak2022 ♥️

I'm immeasurably hurt. But one foot in front of the other.

He called me on Wednesday to apologise for how everything has come about. I couldn't believe the audacity, he has put me through hell for 4 months and thinks it ok to call after 48hrs and think that's it?

I believe it was a script from the OW make good with me. So (stupidly I know) I text her again, telling her that he's still lying and that he described her to me (when I first suspected another woman) 'she's nothing to me, a one night stand after we split, it's not as if I'm going to marry her'

He then called me again and went nuclear, told me that what I am doing is wrong (moral high ground there) and that I have mental health issues (I'm not the one who has lied every day for 4 months in a fantasy).

I told him that was the last time we'll ever speak/communicate again and hung up. He was screaming at me so she couldn't hear me speak. She text me and said she's already realised that's a good tactic of his and she has no intention of staying with him.

I am now trying to make sense of this and process. It's so f**king hard. I haven't slept and can't stop shaking. My world as I knew it has had a bomb dropped on it and the thought of being alone forever is very sad for me.

I want stability and to have a firm path to walk, this isn't one I planned for, it's uneven and rocky and I'm terrified of falling over.

@cleanbreak2022 you are not going to be alone forever. Right now it feels like you will but you won't. You will NOT feel like this forever.
My husband walked out on me out of the blue when I was 5 months pregnant, he was absolutely vile to me. Dumped me over text and completely bartered me with emotional abuse for months to follow. I just couldn't believe it. I was embarrassed, I lost all my confidence, I felt lost, dark, depressed.... I felt like everyone was happy apart from me and one day it just clocked that I deserve more then that. You deserve more then this. Someone on here told me that I would got rock bottom before feeling better... I hit it a few times but that stuck with me.
Don't think long term, think short term goals. Take day just day and week by week. You can't control what he does next and he's just going to make his bed and have to deal with it.
You are going to get though this OP and you will look back in a few weeks and then months and then this time next year and be so proud of your strength and bravery!

@Wednesdayafternoon

Thank you. I don't feel brave. I feel battered and bruised. Every time my phone goes, I wait for the next bomb.

It didn't have to be like this, he could have been honest months ago and I would be stronger now. Instead, he put himself first and continued with lies, and I'm still in the fresh car crash

@cleanbreak2022 I know that feeling so well. Does he contact you on WhatsApp? I found muting his messages and archiving them really helpful. I just felt more on control of when I had to deal with his contact. Or could someone be a contact for you for him so you don't have to dread any?