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Original poster

Would you put up with being called these names?

202 replies

ilovesparky · 27/02/2022 21:07

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 21:10

No it’s unacceptable.
What are your options?
Can you leave?

Loveacardigan · 27/02/2022 21:11

Think this is more than a problem with being called names! You seem to have a husband who is behaving like a child.

NowEvenBetter · 27/02/2022 21:21

You can’t make your kids live in an abusive house, plan to get them away from the abuser. There’s no way on earth anyone could think an aggressive male calling you names is acceptable. Look up the effects it has on kids for life, to be made to live in abusive houses. Walking on eggshells, appeasing the abuser, trying to protect you. That’s where the focus should be, not on the scum you picked to marry.

Original poster
ilovesparky · 27/02/2022 21:28

@Loveacardigan

Think this is more than a problem with being called names! You seem to have a husband who is behaving like a child.
Yes exactly and in more ways than one. He's very immature.

The names are a massive deal to me. I have just been verbally abused. Apparently it's partly my fault as I led him to it by arguing back and not listening or seeing his side. I probably didn't listen and I am argumentative but I didn't need to listen as he has form for trying to blame others for his mistakes. We have been together 15 plus years and he's always been like this. Nothing is his fault.

I have told him I won't leave this time but I will if he ever calls me that again. No matter what we are arguing about or how angry he is. I was angry too and we have heated arguments but I manage not to call him those names. He knows I am strong willed and I will go.

He's not even apologised properly. We will have to agree to disagree.

What is my next step?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/02/2022 21:30

Next step is to leave him
No more chances, you’ve had 15 years of it so you don’t need any more

Original poster
ilovesparky · 27/02/2022 21:34

@NowEvenBetter

You can’t make your kids live in an abusive house, plan to get them away from the abuser. There’s no way on earth anyone could think an aggressive male calling you names is acceptable. Look up the effects it has on kids for life, to be made to live in abusive houses. Walking on eggshells, appeasing the abuser, trying to protect you. That’s where the focus should be, not on the scum you picked to marry.
He isn't abusive on a daily basis. He flies off the handle when we argue as he gets really cross. He's told me to f** off before and a bitch but never the other names. I don't walk in egg shells. This isn't a regular thing but I know it's not right.

We are going through a bad patch anyway so this adds to that.

I have texted him that he doesn't seem sorry. That it's not my fault and that is verbally abusive and abusers say the person drove them too it. He says I am abusive in other ways. I need control, go on until he does what I want, don't take into account who he is.

The going on could be true if I really criticised myself. But only because I feel he needs reminding as he's like having a child. He forgets or doesn't bother to do it. The others no. Maybe in the past but I have let go and the reason I volunteered to pack the car is so he could check the house and check nothing had been left as I know he tends to leave things and likes to check doors etc.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 21:37

Your children are hearing you being called a cunt and a bitch. Are they his children?

Original poster
ilovesparky · 27/02/2022 21:39

@GrazingSheep

Your children are hearing you being called a cunt and a bitch. Are they his children?
Yes. I have told him this is not acceptable. He doesn't care in the heat of the moment. He's never hit me and this isn't walking on eggshells shells or regular abuse. But in arguments his default is to tell me to f* off and to call me a bitch. This isn't too regularly but when we argue. These are the worse names he's called me.
OP posts:
Original poster
ilovesparky · 27/02/2022 21:43

Would you tell a friend? I feel shaken. He hasn't answered my texts and isn't particularly sorry. This is a big red flag isn't it? He's never gone this far before. We have always had fiery arguments.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 21:51

Support is important
Tell a friend

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/02/2022 21:53

If you stay with this pathetic excuse, you are damaging your children. As a damaged child/adult, please, please don’t.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2022 21:55

I have told him I won't leave this time but I will if he ever calls me that again

That's a shame.

The kids don't have any choice but to live in an abusive household, however you and their father do.

Tee20x · 27/02/2022 21:56

100% tell a friend that you trust. This is absolutely awful, no one deserves to be spoken to like this, no matter the circumstances. How can a man be willing to call you a cunt/bitch within earshot of your kids and thinks that is ok?!

Remember that you staying with him basically validates this behaviour & that you are teaching your children what relationships are meant to look like.

Pizzadreams · 27/02/2022 21:56

If my husband ever dared to call me a cunt I’d end it. You’ve a better tolerance than me. He’s not even sorry, and you know it’s not the last time. Why the threats? Just go.

GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 21:57

Are your ‘fiery’ arguments in front of the children?

GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 21:57

You have a responsibility here too

NowEvenBetter · 27/02/2022 21:58

‘Not every day’ is still utterly unacceptable, your kids will be on eggshells is what I meant, forced to live in this toxic house. If I told you a cup of tea had a small piece of shit in it would you think that’s ok, because it’s not too bad? Stop focusing on your vile husband, as I said, focus solely on doing better for your poor kids.

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/02/2022 21:59

I think the not replying to text message or being sorry aren't as big a red flag as him name calling and shouting at you, not to mention your dc hear it all - it's toxic for them and you

Oh and I read that you were in an abusive relationship, can I also add that you ARE in an abusive relationship

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2022 22:00

@GrazingSheep

Are your ‘fiery’ arguments in front of the children?
The OP said the DC could hear.
NeverChange · 27/02/2022 22:02

Very single domestic abuse victim tries to rationalise it by saying it doesn't happen at the time. It shouldn't happen at all.

It isn't your fault.

But you cannot stay and be subjected to this and neither can your children. He has to leave or you & your children need to.

If you cannot speak to friends or family, at least given women's aid a call as a starting point.

MaryStuart · 27/02/2022 22:03

I wouldn’t be calling him ‘D’H.
And I wouldn’t tolerate being called bitch, cunt and knob. Or being told to fuck off in an argument.
He sounds highly unpleasant.
I would be making plans to leave. I can’t imagine it’s a pleasant environment for your children. And you should not have to put up with that behaviour.

MondayYogurt · 27/02/2022 22:05

You're in an abusive relationship. He won't change. Your children are witnessing abuse.

He won't change - not in the way you want him to. It doesn't matter what you say or do, he will not change in any lasting way.

The reason he's not apologising is because he doesn't feel there is a need to, and even if he did it would mean nothing more than lip service to shut you up.

The only way to stop him abusing you is to leave.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 27/02/2022 22:06

Your poor dc should not have to put up with your 'fiery' arguments, or to hear you being called those awful babes.

If my h ever called me a cunt, I'd be off.

None of this is acceptable.

IsItTooHotInHere · 27/02/2022 22:07

What a piece of shit he is. What do you actually like about him?

SecretDoor · 27/02/2022 22:09

I have been married for 28 years and my DH has never called me any derogatory name despite some disagreements.
It is not normal to be verbally abused. Why give him another chance (again)

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