Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

So he is an abusive and manipulating loser who also thinks it is OK to blame you for his shitty behaviour...

What you do is leave him.

Don't allow anyone to treat you this way. Your children should not be witnessing this toxic behaviour either.

@WorraLiberty

I have told him I won't leave this time but I will if he ever calls me that again

That's a shame.

The kids don't have any choice but to live in an abusive household, however you and their father do.

Do you know there is an acceptable level of abuse in a relationship?

It is ZERO.

The names alone would be out of or order but I wouldn't care. I am not easily shocked by words or names. The getting in my face and intimidation is a deal breaker. Also doing and saying those things in front of DC is a deal breaker.

It's never acceptable to be spoken to like that.

It's never acceptable for children to hear that.

I'm afraid you need the most serious of ultimatums for him, or just to vote with your feet.

It doesn't matter what it's about. The problem is the aggressiveness towards you. Not OK.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron did you mean to quote me?

That's exactly what I'm saying. The parents have a choice to stay in an abusive relationship, the kids don't.

They aren't in a toxic environment, this isn't everyday and they don't hear it normally.

We ve spoken more and he explained it was a build up over time because he was annoyed at me about a few things that happened on holiday. He says I am controlling and it's the 'sparky' show. All on my terms.

I am trying to see his side of the argument. I try not to be controlling and take his account on board. But the trouble is we do fundamentally disagree on lots of stuff so it's hard work as one of us always has to back down. I guess he feels like it's him. The trouble is I think the things I don't back down on or have cross with him over are justified.
1- he let our ds9 chase after me from the pub we are in to the shop- in an fairy unfamiliar village, which is busy with a narrow road that cars go along. I turned around and fortunately my son was there. But I had not been told he was coming, DH hadn't watched him to me and apparently he hasn't realised I had gone so far.
2- for spending £140 at a farm shop on over priced stuff which lasted us two days. Apparently he makes the money so should spend it how he likes, he doesn't look at prices.
3- getting the dcs to do their homework. Apparently they have too much, he didn't get it at that age and they shouldn't do it.

Apparently it's all my way. I can see his point but then 1 and 3 aren't negotiable to me. What does he want me to do?

Instead of communicating he was feeling like this he swears and calls me these names because I am irrational and couldn't see his point of view over the items he has left behind. He's frustrated over the lack of control he feels in the relationship. I am in charge. I do try and address these feelings, try to take his opinion on board, try to follow his POV. But it's difficult when I fundamentally disagree with so much of it and he does stupid things.

This doesn't excuse the way he spoke to me though

@PerditaPerdita

It's never acceptable to be spoken to like that.

It's never acceptable for children to hear that.

I'm afraid you need the most serious of ultimatums for him, or just to vote with your feet.

It doesn't matter what it's about. The problem is the aggressiveness towards you. Not OK.

I have done this. He still thinks it's justified as I was irrational, it was a build up of things I had done over the holiday that made him feel like that. Instead of communicating those things he verbally abused me. I told him whatever I have done and even if it was my fault he won't speak to me like that again. He gets carried away in the heat of an argument- I feel he will do it again in the heat of the moment and then I will have to follow through.

@TreatTrimTame

The names alone would be out of or order but I wouldn't care. I am not easily shocked by words or names. The getting in my face and intimidation is a deal breaker. Also doing and saying those things in front of DC is a deal breaker.

They were in bed. They didn't see but probably heard.

They aren't in a toxic environment

They are, OP.

this isn't everyday

That doesn't mean it isn't abusive. If he 'only' hit you a few times would you stay?

and they don't hear it normally

They've heard it though. They've heard their father abusing their mother. They've witnessed their mum being upset about it.

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob.

They heard this. Imagine how scary to hear your dad call your mum a cunt, especially to the point she felt physically intimated.

Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back.

He was so intimidating physically, crowding you and getting in your face, so much so that you had to physically push him away to get away from him. He is abusive.

All very load so the dcs can hear.

They heard. Once is too many times.

Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down.

He wants hou compliant and obedient, not happy and healthy. That dynamic is what defines your relationship and could be the dynamic that defines your kids' relationships as adults the longer they witness yours.

He's called me bitch and tells me to f off quite regularly.

It happens regularly. Just because they don't hear it normally doesn't make it not abuse. If he only hit you in private would you say they weren't living in an abusive toxic environment.

They aren't in a toxic environment, this isn't everyday and they don't hear it normally.

Stop trying to play this down OP.

Your husband thinks it's fine to call you a cunt, a bitch and a knob. Whether it's everyday or not is irrelevant.

@ilovesparky

Would you tell a friend? I feel shaken. He hasn't answered my texts and isn't particularly sorry. This is a big red flag isn't it? He's never gone this far before. We have always had fiery arguments.

He is AWFUL

I'm an abuse survivor and this is how it started for me
He the. Tried to kill me

You cannot put up with this

Get the bastard out ??!!

They were in bed. They didn't see but probably heard.

It's miserable having nights as a child where you pretend to be asleep while your parents row downstairs.

Loads of adult MNetters have been that child. You should listen to them when they join the thread to explain the anxiety, insecurity and stress it causes children.

Stop mimimising this
You know your children are aware of what is going on
Do you care? Does their father care?

[quote WorraLiberty]@ImJustMadAboutSaffron did you mean to quote me?

That's exactly what I'm saying. The parents have a choice to stay in an abusive relationship, the kids don't.[/quote]
I meant to reinforce your comments, which I see has already been done further down the thread. The OP seems to be making it out to be less than it is as he doesn't do it all the time. Once is too often!

Your kids are in a toxic environment if their father is calling their mother a cunt in their earshot.
I used to lie in bed hearing shouting - very scary , it scars you.

Please stop minimising what's going on. I did for so many years, and wished I'd walked sooner. I was with my husband 16 years, we have 2 children ( now age 13 and 10).
He had always behaved very much as you describe your partner, and also had a lovely side and was ' great' a lot too- but when he go up in my face swearing and screaming it was truly awful. Never touched me though so I never felt it was ' really abusive'.
The kids were terrified when he was in a rage though, and then one day he turned this rage on our daughter. Grabbed her near her throat for arguing with her younger brother and ' making him cry'. H was drunk, daughter was so scared being pushed back by a man with his hands near her throat. Marriage over there and then. I packed his bags and threw him out.
It will escalate, he can't control his temper and one day the kids may be on the other end of it.

Reading through his, I want to ask you whether you want to continue with the marriage or to end it. If it is the former, then between you you need to devise rules, and try to follow them: about who does what, about what children are allowed to do (the 'chasing' game sounded dangerous), about division of responsibilities, and about acceptable behaviour and language to each other. Is it worth investing in counselling? If you want to end it, then obviously you need to think about all the practicalities that follow from such a decision. Only you know the answer, and it may be that a course of counselling would change your opinion. Good luck ! And obviously, of course, you should not put up with being called those names. They are always intended to be offensive. (Though why 'cunt' is chosen as a pejorative term so often by both men and women is a very interesting academic question. DH Lawrence would be sad.)

So tell him in future that if you annoy him he tells you at the time, and he needs to be prepared to listen to your side as you do for him

However do you want to be tied to him forever? A third child blaming mummy all the time? He can’t even pack his own stuff so is he an example to your children?

I would be quietly collecting all my papers etc and putting them in a safe place and be making plans to go

He is abusive and it will not get better

Some important points from what you have said:

• He shouted, swore and insulted you in your face until you cried.
• He knew the children could probably hear.
• He has form for this.

Please remember that you and your husband are teaching your children about relationships; what to accept and how to behave.

Social services would deem your children to be be in an abusive household.

Are you going to safeguard them? Or are you going to allow them to continue to be around abuse?

Trust me it is damaging them. This will affect them for the rest of their life.

And one day they may sit you down and ask some very hard questions.
Because it isn't just the abuser we want answers from. It's the one who had the power to leave soon and didn't.

You can do this. You have to do this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I went through something similar. At least it started like this but over time for much worse, no physical violence but an escalation in frequency. It damaged my already very fragile marriage irreparably and also our two children. Particularly the oldest one. My oldest son was about 4 or 5 when it started (although it probably was before, it's all a bit of a blur now) and by 6 he called me a "bitch". A 6 year old calling his mum a bitch. I was so ashamed ... his Dad's response was well that's because you fucking are one...
I should have left at that point but it was hard for a number of reasons (I was not in my home country, my youngest was going through multiple surgeries) but mostly because if I'm honest it was because I was ashamed. I am from a nice ordinary family parents are still together and brothers and sisters are happily married. We aren't a religious family but I believed in marriage through thick and thin.
My self esteem got eroded further over the next number of years and due to shame and embarrassment I didn't seek help and I couldn't figure out a way out.

Please don't be like me. I often think of this saying "if someone shows you who they are believe them".

OP,

You sound like a nice woman.

A nice woman who is lying to herself.

Lying to herself that her children aren't probably affected.

Your poor children.

Hearing such utterly foul language being hurled at their mum.

I hope they tell their friends.
I hope a teacher hears and flags it.
Because they will.

Your children are in an abusive home.

You are an abused woman.

Left shaking by him screaming at you.

If you are shaking, how on earth do you think your children feel in their little beds?

Trying to sleep knowing daddy is screaming at mummy.

Scum like your husband completely destroys the childhood of children.

They will never forget this.

This isn't in isolation.

This is just another escalation of an abusive marriage in an abusive home.

Please tell your friends and family.

Please call Women's aid.

Please think of the type of adulthood you want for your children.

Because I can guantee if you stay with this abusive man, your children wil have,

Trauma
Anxiety
Depression
Substance abuse issues
Mental health issues
Attachment issues
Relationship issues

Children who grow up in homes like yours often have concentration issues through stress which impedes their education.

The consequences of living in a home with an abusive parent have life long lasting issues.

There is no excuse for his behaviour.

Talk to Women's aid and seek what they say to your story.

You have choices.

Those poor little mites up in bed terrified have no choice BUT they will live with yours.

Mind yourself

You’re minimising this.

I was the child of this environment.
My mum thought it wasn’t that bad, and that we didn’t fully know what was going on. Trust me, we knew. And it was awful.
It has had a lasting impact on me and my siblings many years later.

Please, don’t underestimate what this is doing to your kids.

Ahh I see @ImJustMadAboutSaffron. Sorry, I misunderstood

Sadly, I have. And I get the same 'but it's your fault for making me angry'. My DH has started the process of an ADHD diagnosis, but he is still responsible for his actions and the damage has been done. I'm not saying your H has ADHD, but some of the behaviours you describe sound like it might be worth looking into.

I've finally told my husband that I want a divorce. I'm sure you can imagine how that went.