Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

My ex said he was 'always the bad guy'. It's because he was a bad guy.

Whether or not it’s every day, whether or not violence is involved - you are in an abusive relationship. I would echo other posters - you need to make plans to leave him.

To put it politely he’s clearly not cut out for family life. For your children’s sake leave him ASAP.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We had a very short separation. He is really trying.

Out of interest, in what tangible, meaningful, actual way is he 'really trying'? What's he done to show he is trying?

Him telling you "I'm really trying" doesn't count.

The previous issues were that I felt he took me for granted. The whole load of the dcs, house, work were on me. I am now also studying and this came to a head in the final lockdown when I couldn't cope. He carried on doing his work and I had no physical or emotional support. It completely changed my view of the relationship. He wasn't emotionally supportive and I don't think he took my role in the house as worthwhile as he earns the money. His job is high stress. I felt on my own and unsupported and too much pressure put on us from his job.

He works from home and now does a few school runs, helps get the dcs ready in the morning and does more chores around the house. He is there for me more emotionally and is more supportive to my problems/stress with work and study but not as much I would like. He's trying to show he appreciates what I do by little gestures and arranging some 1-1 time for us. By compromising and being more thoughtful. He will now do things he doesn't necessarily want to because I would like to without a blazing argument. He definitely is trying. She's still not as supportive or as thoughtful as I would like. He 100% puts his own needs first still. Even the dcs aren't our first.

• his first priority.

He would make me feel bad if I went to the gym for met a friend for coffee as he was working and I had a nice life. But then wouldn't help out if the alternative was going back to work full time. He didn't see that one of us needs to be around for the dcs and have a flexible work life unless we want the dcs in breakfast and after school club everyday. Nothing wrong with that but I don't want that for my dcs. I couldn't win. He doesn't do that anymore. He is more willing to have the dcs when I study.

Never go to counciling eith an abuser op. Its a huge nono as they twist things against you un counciling too and you can end up feeling as if you are not being believed or understood by the councilor who was meant to help. Essentially, they are used to gaslight you further in to thinking you are the one eith the problem.

Seek councilling for yourself. Go on your own. Then at least you can be listened to without fear of judgement. Coinviling should be a safe space.

@TheCatThatWalkedAlone

To put it politely he’s clearly not cut out for family life. For your children’s sake leave him ASAP.

He says that to me often. He says he doesn't enjoy the dcs. He means he doesn't enjoy any of the boring menial tasks but if it's something he's interested in that's fine. He only wants the fun side of parenthood. He can't be bothered with the rest.

@Pinkbonbon

Never go to counciling eith an abuser op. Its a huge nono as they twist things against you un counciling too and you can end up feeling as if you are not being believed or understood by the councilor who was meant to help. Essentially, they are used to gaslight you further in to thinking you are the one eith the problem.

Seek councilling for yourself. Go on your own. Then at least you can be listened to without fear of judgement. Coinviling should be a safe space.

Thanks think I will do both. I need an independent person to hear his side to see if I am being unreasonable.

He says that to me often. He says he doesn't enjoy the dcs.

These poor kids.

Please have solo counselling OP.

Have you had abusive relationships previously? Did you grow up in a home with parents who had frequent arguments?

Just you seem a bit numb to how rubbish a partner and dad he is and I wonder if it's due to your expectations being skewed by previous experiences.

It’s like talking to a brick wall.
Good luck to the kids forced into this farce.

Op you don't need an independent person to tell you that you have a right to be hurt by nastiness. You have every right to your feelings. So even if a councilor said his behaviour was reasonable in their opinion, it was not reasonable to you, right? And you are the one in the relationship.

His side is irrelevant anyway because no partner has the right to call you nasty names. Under any circumstances.

Most humans have basic moral fibre, that's why we automatically try to see things from other people's point of view. But where it becomes dangerous is when instead of saying 'you know what, there really isn't a circumstance in which anyone should act that way that I can think of, so I'm going to walk away', we get trapped thinking 'oh but there must be a reasonable reason for his behaviour, I just can't think what it is. I'll keep trying to work it out. Maybe ask someone else. Maybe let it slide and hope it doesn't repeeat' ect... that way madness lies.

Even if you want leave for your own sake (& I can't understand why you wouldn't), at least get your DC out of this toxic environment.

Maybe you secretly enjoy all the drama?

He feels he has no control in the marriage.

To the contrary, he has plenty of control, too much.

That's why his pent up frustrations led to that.Is that a reason?

It doesbt sound like that at dll, it sounds like he reacts with anger, verbal.abuse etc to being called out about his irresponsible behaviour.

I admit I am probably quite difficult

It doesn't sound like it. Anyone would end up calling someone out fur behaviour like that, anyone would get frustrated, and some people would try to circumvent and compensate for his behavior (like it sounds like you do) but that's still not enough for him.

You don't sound difficult and I doubt you're on a spectrum.

It's not about the names though, is it?

It's the utter lack of respect for you as an equal and the lack of caring what your children see and hear, subsequently lack of caring how they see you as well.

Whatever is behind it, no, I would never accept being verbally abused like that. Don't make excuses for him, he is an adult (though behaving like a child)

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He says that to me often. He says he doesn't enjoy the dcs.

These poor kids.

Please have solo counselling OP.

Have you had abusive relationships previously? Did you grow up in a home with parents who had frequent arguments?

Just you seem a bit numb to how rubbish a partner and dad he is and I wonder if it's due to your expectations being skewed by previous experiences.

No neither of those. We ve been together 15 years plus. I think I have been numb to how rubbish he can be though before. I was unhappy but suppressed it and cried by myself. I think I just accepted it and probably enabled it. We had blazing rows when I fought it but I think once the dcs arrived I did enable it almost. It was only during lockdown when I had no help juggling two home schooling dcs, work, house and a degree that it snapped. I wasn't having it that way any more. Since then he has put the effort it. Things have been better until now.

Every single person is saying this is abusive and to take steps to get out

I was that kid-only it was my mother that was abusive-to the outside world she’s perfect and has the perfect marriage

I had to lay in bed,night after night (just not every single night) listening to them-not everyday but enough,they fought like cat and dog

I can’t repeat the words/names they used but it was bad

They will both swear blind that I didn’t hear anything-nor did my brothers

We grew up

I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship-it’s all I knew-it was my normal

My life from being 17-37 was just hell

I got help and I’m now in a relationship that is kind,caring and everything I’ve ever wanted-we’ve just had a disagreement (about half an hour ago) and we sorted it out by talking to each other-not yelling and calling each other names and trying to ‘win’ the row

My brothers?

One is massively (and I’m talking massively) overweight due to eating his feelings-he carries on and he’s going to be dead in 5 years

His wife,to the outside world adores him,but on the inside she’s an abusive witch who uses their son to control him

Brother no2 is a drug addict-he will take anything he can to get away from his feeling-he’s also a massive twat who is just like my mother when it comes to being with his girlfriend

Brother no3 is with a wife who’s just like my mother-and believe me he’s not a wuss

He fights back and somehow she’s stronger and has worn him down to the point he’s a shell of who he used to be

Do you really want your children to end up like me and my siblings?

Believe me-we heard-we where 100% aware of what was going on

They should have broken up years ago or at least never had kids

He says I don't think like most people and my thought process is mixed up.

He is gaslighting you. Of course he would rather make you think it is your fault. It is NOT your fault.

Who cares if you think 'differently' to most people? There is nothing wrong with that. There is everything wrong with the way you're being treated.

I am sorry but he is not going to change. This will continue to be your life until you step away.

Please ignore his attempts to keep you from talking to people. Tell your friend, your GP, Women's Aid, your counsellor (find one registered with the BACP).

Women's Aid

@Bluelillies I feel your pain. Lying in bed hearing bickering. Stools whizzing through the panes of glass. The side of the sofa being damaged by a running jump. Tipping the table up. Christmas tree being lassoed around the living room. It screws you up doesn't it?

[quote ValerieCupcake]@Bluelillies I feel your pain. Lying in bed hearing bickering. Stools whizzing through the panes of glass. The side of the sofa being damaged by a running jump. Tipping the table up. Christmas tree being lassoed around the living room. It screws you up doesn't it?[/quote]
Oh god yes
I was lucky-I could go to my grandads to get away from it-I used to stay with him a lot
No shouting,no name calling,nothing getting smashed,no snide comments,nothing getting broken
Just peace

I’m sending so much love your way xxx

It baffles me that women consider this to be ok.. why are you even asking. It is 100% abuse, you are trapped in an abusive relationship and it will NEVER get better. You need to find the strength to leave.

If someone walked up to you in the street, called you all those names and physically intimidated you, it would be abusive
Just because you know him doesn't make it not abuse

Gosh @Bluelillies you sound just like a friend of mine.

To the outside world you wouldn't have an idea, but her childhood with her big important father bullying his wife and the two of them screaming at each other.

She has a brother who is a recovering alcoholic, fortunately with a very supportive wife.

Single brother, never really held down a relationship, big job but has suffered with bulimia for years.
He is either very slim or 6 stone over weight. He has never been able to get to grips with his eating.

She is late 50's like me and is suffering very badly with anxiety for the last couple of years after being well for a good few years.
She feels the menopause has triggered something in her.
She too never married. She never felt she could trust her judgement.

I don't believe the pain of an awful childhood is ever truly resolved.

Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back

You are allowed to argue. You are allowed to disagree and you are allowed to defend yourself if you are being mistreated or accused of doing something you haven't done. If you are not able to do that without it escalating to this extent, you are living with a dominant bully.

The fact that you felt you had to push him back is unlikely to be accidental. He knows he is stronger and probably larger than you and is using that to intimidate you, to get you to be quiet and back down.

There is no coming back from that, in my opinion. He has broken one of the fundamental relationship rules.

You sound quite thoroughly gaslit to me. You're describing the most awful behaviour and at the same time scrabbling to justify it by saying it's partly your fault - like he's told you it is.

Imagine a stranger coming up to you in the street and calling you a bitch. Or your best friend. Or a close family member. Would that be your fault? Would you be absolutely flabbergasted that they would speak to you like that?

This is absolutely abusive and the fact that you are buying into the idea that there's any justification ever for someone who should love you calling you horrible names is extremely concerning.