Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

There are traits in my dc that I wonder if they got from hearing us argue. I am a very strong character- likely from me. I don't want to be in a marriage where it's so hard.

I don't think I would meet anyone else. I never have attention from men. I am not good with people. My friendship group is small. I am not good at reading social signs or speaking to new people. I am 40 and not attractive.

I think I am seen as difficult in the family. I think they will feel it's my fault. They all think DH is lovely. He is, he's only like this to me.

@ilovesparky

They were just words he said but he says he went too far. I don't think he realises how disrespectful it was.

He was trying to intimidate me. I am very strong willed so didn't back down. I wasn't scared and neither have the children ever been.

He feels he has no control in the marriage. That's why his pent up frustrations led to that. Is that a reason? I admit I am probably quite difficult. I don't think I am wired like most- I think I am on the spectrum.

this post actually makes me sad. You are so much in denial.

Words are damaging, words hurt, words destroy your self esteem.

In normal relationships you don't try and intimidate your partner, that is not normal behaviour.

You say you didn't back down because you are strong willed. But what makes you think you should 'back down?' And if you don't back down, that doesn't give him the right to verbally abuse you!

If he has pent up frustrations, then he needs ot cimmunicate. Shouting abusively at your wife is not helpful communication.
What does he do to actually address the issues? To talk them through? To get impartial support to help you do that?
Or does he just build up frustration and then blow.

The very fact that you say - I am difficult therefore it is OK for him to feel frustrated, it so twisted.

I am actually very worried about you
I think that this will spill over into physical violence especially since you are not backing down and are strong willed
The language he uses it entirely abusive. Stop kidding yourself. It is also laced with latent misogynistic violence and hatred.

He won’t stop and it will just find a different manifestation. It won’t get better.

Children see and are exposed to things as adults we are often woefully ignorant of. Take it from me they will have heard and they will be becoming damaged by this. You need to be very careful you don’t become part of the cause of the damage and instead represent a way out of this as their strong and intelligent mother.

Youre defending and minimising his awful behaviour because thats what you've needed to do for a long time to survive and endure living with the prick, but you must come to terms with the fact that his behaviour, temperament and many 'ways' are not acceptable and are abusive. Its not normal or to be expected during a bad patchouli, you and your children don't have to live like this.

He sounds like a teenager with no emotional regulation. It's time to free yourself. Loads of people on here with great advice will help you in the next steps.

@ilovesparky

I don't think I would meet anyone else. I never have attention from men. I am not good with people. My friendship group is small. I am not good at reading social signs or speaking to new people. I am 40 and not attractive.

I think I am seen as difficult in the family. I think they will feel it's my fault. They all think DH is lovely. He is, he's only like this to me.

Do you have to meet someone else to be happy? I believed that, it's why I married my first wife and only left into due to an exit affair into another relationship. And yet I came from a home where I wished my parents would have separated. They were so so bad for each other and me. No self esteem and so I believed I had to be validated by someone else.

I don't and neither do you. And don't give your children the same belief by remaining in a relationship that has abusive moments that they WILL pick up on.

When DW and I spilt I accept I will be on my own in relationship terms. But I have good friends. I have my children who thankfully like me more than I deserve. I can find hobbies. I can even, these days, be kind to myself in my own head. That is enough for a good life.

@ilovesparky

They were just words he said but he says he went too far. I don't think he realises how disrespectful it was.

He was trying to intimidate me. I am very strong willed so didn't back down. I wasn't scared and neither have the children ever been.

He feels he has no control in the marriage. That's why his pent up frustrations led to that. Is that a reason? I admit I am probably quite difficult. I don't think I am wired like most- I think I am on the spectrum.

From what you've told us, he's gaslighting you about feeling he has "no control in the marriage" because the truth is, what he doesn't have, because he REFUSES to take it, is not "control" but bloody RESPONSIBILITY! He wants YOU to take all of the responsibility and then blame you for it when you get justifiably angry about his childishness and utter refusal to act like an adult. He wants you to let him carry on taking no responsibility and to smile whilst you do so, so he can carry on being a self-centred, overgrown child living in lala land! I accept you're not frightened of him OP but surely you're exhausted and even drained from his dumping al the grown-up stuff on you and from his childish tantrums? The lack of remorse on his part is also very wrong of him; if a person who has wrong you, and he very much has, then the issue can never be resolved and it's very difficult to truly forgive and to trust again. He's put you in a sort of "Mum" role then resents you for it. I would be having a long, hard think about separating from him in your shoes OP, and getting legal advice, because I doubt he's ever going to willingly grow up. He will suck the life out of you eventually if you stay with him! Even worse, he is setting an appalling example to your children and the antagonism between you WILL be sensed by them, even if you think they have heard nothing. This will distress and in the long term, could damage them! It's not fair on them! I'm sorry.

@ilovesparky

I don't think I would meet anyone else. I never have attention from men. I am not good with people. My friendship group is small. I am not good at reading social signs or speaking to new people. I am 40 and not attractive.

I think I am seen as difficult in the family. I think they will feel it's my fault. They all think DH is lovely. He is, he's only like this to me.

I thought this. What actually happened was my family had seen exH been controlling enough times they weren't surprised he could be EA and they didn't think he was lovely. They were just trying to stay out of my marriage. He'd persuaded me that it was me and not him and that seeped out into everything.

You are describing yourself very negatively.
Why?

I have been in an abusive relationship. He was probably the most well liked of any of my partners. Everyone just thought he was bloody wonderful.

Your description of your self is very negative and your view of abuse is odd. Abusers are not always abusive. It comes and it goes. The point been it should never come.

Your H sounds like he has massive anger issues but also a very real problem with taking responsibility which is why you get blamed when everything goes wrong. Reading your post was very familiar to me, except there were no kids involved.

You say the children aren't scared but you don't know that. Even if you ask them, you don't know whether they are telling the truth if they say they weren't. It's upsetting to read you dismiss the effect of all this on your children and your denial that this is an abusive relationship.

He doesn't like me going out to see my friend as I said I will talk to her about it. He doesn't want to come across as bad and be painted as a bad guy. He doesn't like me telling my friends anything bad about him. Although I can understand this as her DH is good friends with him and we are in a group. He worries it will go back to her DH. But who am I meant to talk to then? I find this with lots of things. He isn't supportive so I talk to others which we doesn't like. He wants it to be private.

I said then he shouldn't have done it then.

He says it wasn't verbal abuse as it was a one off. It's not repeated. I said that's the case as long as he doesn't now repeat it.

He says it wasn't verbal abuse as it was a one off. It's not repeated. I said that's the case as long as he doesn't now repeat it.

He's wrong. It's still verbal abuse to tell you to fuck off as a default whenever you disagree.

He doesn't like me going out to see my friend as I said I will talk to her about it. He doesn't want to come across as bad and be painted as a bad guy. I find this with lots of things. He isn't supportive so I talk to others which we doesn't like. He wants it to be private.

This is controlling and abusive. He doesn't want you to have emotional support outside the relationship because he knows that if you tell people how he treats you (telling you not to see a friend, calling you a cunt and bitch in earshot of the kids, refusing to compromise, telling you to 'fuck off' as a default regularly) then they would tell you what we are telling you.

That you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with him and you certainly shouldn't be raising your kids in such a toxic environment.

It's very, very telling that he wants to isolate you from a good friend.

He's a textbook arsehole controlling and abusive, who would rather portray the image of a happy family to the outside world than actually put the effort in in private to have a family that is actually happy.

My definition of abuse- I guess something that isn't a one off and is physical or mental or financially and is over a long period of time.

He's repeatedly told you to fuck off, previously called you a bitch, told you he doesn't want to see your friends to confide in them, refused to apologise or compromise, blames you and the children when he forgets stuff or makes mistakes... you don't think any of that is abuse? It is. Oh and has now called you a cunt in earshot of your children.

You are minimising hugely on this thread.

"He says" it isn't verbal abuse? So what? My ex hit me for the first time the day I left him and would say today that it wasn't physical abuse, it was for xyz reason. That doesn't make it true. Do you think many abusers call their behaviour abuse? Of course they don't. It doesn't matter what he calls it.

He doesn't stop me seeing friends but doesn't like me telling friends or family things which he wants to keep private and look bad on him. But he's spoken to his mum about the bad side of me which I wasn't happy about.

He is trying. We had problems during lockdown and directly after. We had a very short separation. He is really trying.

@ilovesparky

He doesn't like me going out to see my friend as I said I will talk to her about it. He doesn't want to come across as bad and be painted as a bad guy. He doesn't like me telling my friends anything bad about him. Although I can understand this as her DH is good friends with him and we are in a group. He worries it will go back to her DH. But who am I meant to talk to then? I find this with lots of things. He isn't supportive so I talk to others which we doesn't like. He wants it to be private.

I said then he shouldn't have done it then.

He says it wasn't verbal abuse as it was a one off. It's not repeated. I said that's the case as long as he doesn't now repeat it.

Of course he doesn't want you talking to others about what he's said/ done/ blamed you for. They may well tell you what we are all telling you!!

Again this is all too familiar to me. So is it him that tells you it's not abuse as it doesn't happen all the time or is this what you think? He is incredibly controlling and I think you are now just starting to see this.

My arse is he trying. You want to believe he is trying because you are trying.

And op, I don't care how angry someone is, normal people would neve use words like 'bitch' and speaking to their partner. They just wouldn't.

He is not abusive because he is angry or 'losing control' he is angry because he is abusive. And he displays anger in order to intimidate you.

He might want you to believe they are lapses in reason due to anger, but they most certainly are not.

Tell your friends and family the truth.

All your posts are about the abuser. He said, he thinks, him, him, him.
I hope someone steps in and prioritises the kids, since neither parent will. Grim.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“He doesn't stop me seeing friends but doesn't like me telling friends or family things which he wants to keep private and look bad on him.”

So he knows that what he’s doing is wrong. But still he chooses to do it. Yes chooses. He doesn’t call his boss a cunt I bet? Or the lady in the corner shop? Or his mother? No. He can control it. With you he chooses not to.

He’s not trying op. Please wake up and listen to what objective people are telling you. It is abuse. It doesn’t matter that you retaliate - what he is doing is exerting power and dominance to control you into submission. Your children will be damaged by this. He won’t change.

This.

You have been told clearly the reasons it's clear he's abusive but aren't ready to accept that or act on it.

I hope you are soon.

In the meantime I feel bad for your kids in their beds hearing this stuff, for your kids being made to feel it's their fault when their dad forgets stuff or is late, for your kids wondering why dad seems angry lots of the time, for your kids wondering why mum seems sad lots of the time, for your kids not seeing adults being able to resolve disagreements healthily and decently.

The longer you stay, the more likely it is your kids will replicate this relationship dynamic when they're adults. And they may not tell you then as their partners will pressure them not to talk to friend or family about it, just as yours tries to do to you. And often succeeds by the sound of it.

I will see what my friend says. I also think I am going to push for seeing a councillor this time. He refused before when we had other issues. I need someone who hears both sides to tell me if this is the case. It's mixed up.

I do believe it is a one off. But he knows if it happened again that's it.

He says I am controlling and it's the sparky show. He says nothing is on his terms, how we bring up the kids, spend his earnings, spend our time. I admit I probably do like to wear the trousers. But I do genuinely try and take his POV into account more and do things on his terms more. I am very black and white but I have tried much harder to adjust to his needs too. We disagree about so many fundamental things that someone has to back down. I think he thinks it's him. Always the bad guy. There are things though that I don't feel I can back down on , I feel strongly about. I don't feel like we can just have a sensible discussion about something without him flying off.

Read Why Does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft. People are not abusive because they are angry. They are abusive when angry because they are abusive.
Non abusive people can be angry without being abusive.

I believe myself to be abusive and somewhat vulnerably narcissistic. I am not fit relationship material and may never be.

DW is also abusive but sees it as 'just when I'm angry and defending myself' 'just a row' 'just what normal couples do'

I think DW and your husband would have some common views here.

We had a very short separation. He is really trying.

Out of interest, in what tangible, meaningful, actual way is he 'really trying'? What's he done to show he is trying?

Him telling you "I'm really trying" doesn't count.

I do believe it is a one off.

But OP if his default, aside from this incident, is to tell you to "fuck off" and he's called you a bitch before, how is this a 'one off'?

He's got you exactly where he wants you, hasn't he? You're so ground down by his anger that you really believe you're at fault, that he is reasonable and that he is trying to make things better.

He isn't. He is an abusive man and you haven't found your anger. I hope you do, and soon.