Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

But the trouble is we do fundamentally disagree on lots of stuff so it's hard work as one of us always has to back down. I guess he feels like it's him

Maybe you should start tracking this to how many times each one of you gets their own way, and on which occasions. Don't tell him though - this is more for you.

Otherwise, it sounds like you're making each other unhappy as a couple. However, if you split, it needs to be clear that he doesn't get to opt out of responsible parenting.

@billy1966

Gosh *@Bluelillies* you sound just like a friend of mine.

To the outside world you wouldn't have an idea, but her childhood with her big important father bullying his wife and the two of them screaming at each other.

She has a brother who is a recovering alcoholic, fortunately with a very supportive wife.

Single brother, never really held down a relationship, big job but has suffered with bulimia for years.
He is either very slim or 6 stone over weight. He has never been able to get to grips with his eating.

She is late 50's like me and is suffering very badly with anxiety for the last couple of years after being well for a good few years.
She feels the menopause has triggered something in her.
She too never married. She never felt she could trust her judgement.

I don't believe the pain of an awful childhood is ever truly resolved.

I do think op has her head in the sand (Jesus,I did for years-I’m not judging)

She needs to get out or what happened to me,my brothers,your friend and her siblings will happen to her children-I never married for the same reasons

Kids know a lot more than you give them credit for-there is a saying ‘walls have ears’ and it’s bloody true

Please op-stop,pull your head out of the sand and leave

My partner was in a abusive relationship-and we where talking about it a while back

He wondered why he stayed so long (13 years) and he said it was because of the kids and that she wasn’t abusive ‘all the time-we had good times too’

Yes-because she knew that if she showed her true colours all the time he would have left within days/weeks/months

If they give you something to cling onto-throw you a shining light every so often-you hang on in there,believing that if you do this or that then everything will start to become better and you’ll be happy

It never-and I mean never works like that

You sound like I did in my abusive relationship. I was with him for 8 years. It took my Womens aid support worker ages to help me see I'd been abused. I have not read a single one of your posts that don't scream that he is abusing you and has gaslit you so significantly you don't know the woods from the trees. Your children do know, it is messing them up. He isn't trying, he will get worse. I know it's super hard to hear and we are all just random strangers on the internet but please, please try and speak to Womens aid. Also don't try counselling with him. Once I left my abuser I saw the depth of his abuse and gaslighting that had gone on behind the scenes. When he went to the Doctors to get help for his temper (a condition of us getting back together after he'd been abusive) he'd actually told them I was abusive to him. He's also told his family I was mentally ill and was abusing him and my children were too (they were 12 and 14 and he was abusing them). 5 years on and I'm still suffering from post separation domestic abuse. We are going through our 3rd court case regarding custody of our children together in 4 years. I honestly did not see it. Please act now.

@ilovesparky

There are traits in my dc that I wonder if they got from hearing us argue. I am a very strong character- likely from me. I don't want to be in a marriage where it's so hard.

Then leave. He’s abusing you, you’re giving him the silent treatment. Do you really want your dc growing up with this as their relationship model?

@ilovesparky

I will see what my friend says. I also think I am going to push for seeing a councillor this time. He refused before when we had other issues. I need someone who hears both sides to tell me if this is the case. It's mixed up.

I do believe it is a one off. But he knows if it happened again that's it.

He says I am controlling and it's the sparky show. He says nothing is on his terms, how we bring up the kids, spend his earnings, spend our time. I admit I probably do like to wear the trousers. But I do genuinely try and take his POV into account more and do things on his terms more. I am very black and white but I have tried much harder to adjust to his needs too. We disagree about so many fundamental things that someone has to back down. I think he thinks it's him. Always the bad guy. There are things though that I don't feel I can back down on , I feel strongly about. I don't feel like we can just have a sensible discussion about something without him flying off.

OP I am just leaving an abusive marriage and my H says exactly this. That I control everything and that I’ve ‘dictated’ what we’ve done about literally everything. Not a shred of it is true. PP correctly guesses that this arises because he refuses to take any responsibility, partly because he is of a mindset that he must have someone else to blame for anything that happens. He does v similar things to your H like refusing to get up in time to help pack for a holiday and then blaming any missing objects on me (‘you INSISTED on CONTROLLING the food packing’). It’s draining and very rejecting. I do almost all of everything and instead of ever seeing the positives he needs to paint it as ‘bulldozing’

Blah, blah, enough about him. Because frankly they create a huge noise that drowns out the rest of life. How are you? How would you like to be treated? What are your dreams? What makes you laugh? Make yourself bigger, even though he is trying so hard to make you smaller. He’s a bastard, OP, and you should leave him.

Thanks for the responses I am taking them on board. I don't know, I am confused. I have seen so many threads on here over the years from abused people and they are so much worse than my situation. I always feel so awful for those people. I haven't really thought I might be one. I don't know if I really am. Some of the experiences on here are so much worse than mine.

I have read the threads that say LTB but it's not that simple. It's complicated and their are other feelings involved. I do love him. We do have happy times. Do I want to destroy our whole life over a few words. I stroked my dds head before I came to bed. She idolises her daddy. She's such a happy girl. Safe and secure in her environment. He's never really raised his voice at the dcs. Do I want to destroy all that for a 7 yo? My Ds Also loves his dad, they have a closer bond than I have with him. To the extent that he would probably want to live with daddy. He has a lot of emotional and anxiety problems we are working through with him. He would not cope if we broke up.

I do think it was a one off. He's not generally abusive but he is lazy and immature. He does struggle to take responsibility for things.

I think I am going to say if he wants to stay with me we see a counsellor. I don't think he's so manipulative that he'd gaslight the counsellor. He's not generally a nasty person. I want someone to hear both sides of the story and give their opinion. I don't know if I am right or not about his other behaviour.

I do think it was a one off.

Even if him calling you a cunt and physically intimidating you was a one off he has repeatedly told you to fuck off and called you a bitch. You're ground down and your expectations are way below where they should be if that's something you can live with. You know those things aren't one offs because he's done them plenty of times. You say him telling you to fuck off is his default in a disagreement.

Hopefully solo counselling will help you see how toxic this dynamic is and how unfair it is on the kids to grow up witnessing a couple who have that toxicity.

I don't think he's so manipulative that he'd gaslight the counsellor.

You probably didn't think he would call you a cunt in earshot of the kids either, but he did.

You probably didn't think he would get in your face shouting in an attempt to physically intimidate you until you had to push him away, but he did.

How do you think long term abuse starts? It's not there from the beginning or constant. It's the build up and escalation over time. Why have you accepted being called a bitch and being told to fuck off in the past? That's the start of the disrespect. He's now escalated to more names and physical intimidation. Abuse builds. I doubt he will ever feel in control (based on your posts) so what comes next? He shoves you next time because you wouldn't back down and got in his face? That's not hitting you and it's only once.

She loves her Daddy, and you love him too. But by staying you are teaching her that Daddies shout and verbally abuse Mummies so this is how relationships work. Ask yourself if you'd be happy to see her in a similar relationship when she's older?. It might seem awful at the moment to leave him , but what's worse, she maintains a relationship with her father but with you living apart of she ends up in an abusive relationship herself

Poor kids growing up in this dreadful home. Too sad.

No it's not acceptable. My DH, who is known for liking a rant, has never ever called me any of these in our 23 year relationship.

This behaviour is not the mark of a mutually respectful relationship. And sticking around is teaching your kids that this is normal/acceptable.

If DH is not willing to face up to this awful behaviour and have therapy to genuinely address his issues then you need to go. It won't better on its own...

@ilovesparky

Thanks for the responses I am taking them on board. I don't know, I am confused. I have seen so many threads on here over the years from abused people and they are so much worse than my situation. I always feel so awful for those people. I haven't really thought I might be one. I don't know if I really am. Some of the experiences on here are so much worse than mine.

I have read the threads that say LTB but it's not that simple. It's complicated and their are other feelings involved. I do love him. We do have happy times. Do I want to destroy our whole life over a few words. I stroked my dds head before I came to bed. She idolises her daddy. She's such a happy girl. Safe and secure in her environment. He's never really raised his voice at the dcs. Do I want to destroy all that for a 7 yo? My Ds Also loves his dad, they have a closer bond than I have with him. To the extent that he would probably want to live with daddy. He has a lot of emotional and anxiety problems we are working through with him. He would not cope if we broke up.

I do think it was a one off. He's not generally abusive but he is lazy and immature. He does struggle to take responsibility for things.

I think I am going to say if he wants to stay with me we see a counsellor. I don't think he's so manipulative that he'd gaslight the counsellor. He's not generally a nasty person. I want someone to hear both sides of the story and give their opinion. I don't know if I am right or not about his other behaviour.

No decent counsellor would take the two of you on. They will tell you he needs help to deal with his abusive tendencies and you need separate assistance to built and maintain boundaries for your self respect and ultimately safety

It’s very clear from reading your posts that you are being manipulated. You instinctively know this treatment is wrong but have been conditioned in various ways to be made to think somehow you have caused this to happen. You haven’t. But you are allowing it to continue.

What is perhaps most worrying is that several pages in you are still failing to grasp that this is not a secure or safe environment for your children. He is mistreating you and you are full of trepidation as to what will happen if you confront this reality. You are talking about counselling and issuing ultimatums: these are not the behaviours of healthy relationships. Stop thinking that you can hide this from your children or that it won’t affect them. You are wrong

Do I want to destroy our whole life over a few words

Hos behaviour sounds irresponsible & unreasonable.

He then soubd like he gets aggressive, angry, verbally abusive if hes called put on it, or there are any consequences for it.

That's pretty unworkable/untenable.

He is abusive (it doesn't have to He physical it doesnt have to ve regularly etc.
It sounds like it's repeated, and escalating in nastiness) , and it's not recommended to have shared counselling with an abusive person.

Also he's unlikely to change because Jo's entitlement core values etc are most likely behind his behaviour.

Fwiw I was in a relationship with a verbal abuser; I am also extremely feisty, renowned for it; and I also argued back all the time.

The relationship ended and when I look back its crystal clear to me that even with me being feisty, even with me arguing back.... I was still being abused. Arguing back and not taking it doesnt negate the fact you're being abused.

*His not jo's

(Verbal) abusers want to depict their relationship as fiery, feisty, passionate, two strong characters etc etc. ...... and the partner being abused goes along with it; after all they're arguing now and then, and she gets drawn into criticising too , and gets angry etc etc so it must just be a fiery relationship, and she must be half to blame too, right?

It's smoke and mirrors, it's sleight of hand, it's a delusion.

Not saying your h is a physical abuser (though you did say he's getting intimidating using his body size and position, I think?) but it's the case that a significant portion of women injured and killed by their partner's or ex partner's were also in apparently "fiery", volatile relationships, until recently they murders would've been discussed as domestic incidents within that context.

In any case, to zero in on the most basic issue; he had absolutely no right to xalm you a bitch, a cunt, tell you to fuck off etc during arguments (arguments which appear to happen because of his irresponsibility incidentally, but that's another issue) ..... that is not the behaviour of someone reasonable or decent.

I would say try calling him a bastard, a cunt, useless, a fuck wit, a fucktard, arsehole etc , tell him to get fucked, to fuck off etc and see how he likes it, but that's clearly not going anywhere good. Can you imagine what sort of person you'd have to be to say things like that, at all let alone with kids in the house .... that's that's sort of person he is.

I doubt hes going to change, he'll knock ot on the head for a while, but he'll ge back at it sooner or later.

@RestingStitchFace

No it's not acceptable. My DH, who is known for liking a rant, has never ever called me any of these in our 23 year relationship.

This behaviour is not the mark of a mutually respectful relationship. And sticking around is teaching your kids that this is normal/acceptable.

If DH is not willing to face up to this awful behaviour and have therapy to genuinely address his issues then you need to go. It won't better on its own...

We talked today. He's going away at the weekend and I said I would like him to stay away for a bit. He doesn't have anywhere to go though without spending ££ on a hotel. I said I would like him /us to go to a counsellor to see if it helps. Unfortunately he had to go to a work meeting so hasn't really responded. But probably a good idea for us both to mull it over.

He says he's not cut out for family life. The reality of having a family and all the shit with it. He doesn't see the good bits as outweighing the bad. I think he wants it all to be easy all the time and doesn't want to take the bad with the good. He doesn't/can't just get on with things like most. He agrees we don't seem to get on, we don't agree on fundamentals.

When I said I do recognise he's made an effort since our last lot of issues, he laughed and said he hasn't been more on board with the dcs when we were away because I asked him to. He did it because he wanted to do that particular activity with them whilst I was able to chat with my friends. That sums up my thoughts on the relationship perfectly. He will do what he wants for him, if he wants to do it then he will. Not for me or the dcs. There I was thinking he was trying to step us for my happiness to be thoughtful. That was an eye opener.

Apparently his dad (who is very much the same and divorced from his mum, probably for the same reasons, not abuse) said it's something I had to get through. Apparently that has stuck with him. What a horrible way to go through life! DH is a massive moaner and life's shit person at the smallest thing.

He says he's sorry about the words and it won't happen again. I have mentioned some of the things on this thread. Apparently he doesn't think he's abusive or controlling or not without realising. He stuck to the same line that I am hard to live with, a hard person to argue with, irrational, only see right/wrong and no grey area. The latter is probably true.

@2DogsOnMySofa

She loves her Daddy, and you love him too. But by staying you are teaching her that Daddies shout and verbally abuse Mummies so this is how relationships work. Ask yourself if you'd be happy to see her in a similar relationship when she's older?. It might seem awful at the moment to leave him , but what's worse, she maintains a relationship with her father but with you living apart of she ends up in an abusive relationship herself

This too.

*He says he's not cut out for family life.

He did it because he wanted to do that particular activity with them whilst I was able to chat with my friends. That sums up my thoughts on the relationship perfectly. He will do what he wants for him, if he wants to do it then he will. Not for me or the dcs.*

It'd a great pity he didn't discover this until after he got a partner and brought kids into the world with her.

He sounds like a deeply selfish, immature man child.

It's no doubt devastating but it's best you know what underpins his behaviour, it really sounds like you should get out.

Your home would be a quieter, happier, more stable, more positive place without him .. and he can do disney dad and be a man child bachelor in a flat like he clearly wants to (though no doubt he'll shit himself and want back when reality hits. Also he'll find any future girlfriends generally want commitment sooner or later; living together, kids if they haven't got any, so he'll just end up cycling through relationships or in the sane position abusing his partner and destabilising a home.

He stuck to the same line that I am hard to live with, a hard person to argue with, irrational, only see right/wrong and no grey area. The latter is probably true.

Bullshite.

I have the feeling any future partner will someone become the same.

He's turn anyone into a nagging mammy, because because a selfish, irresponsible child.

*I have the feeling any future partner will somehow become the same

Also notable how both sexes, when they have kids and get into family life, often find it more graft than they expected, more compromising, more self sacrifice, mote effort, almost no scope to be selfish ...... yet its so much more often the men who give themselves permission to opt out, to more or less put themselves first, while their female partners have to just shoulder it, step up, be unselfish, be responsible take on even more burden on their behalf etc.